To wonder if I'm looking at my bf through rosetinted glasses?

[feelingvunerable]

Ok there is a lot of background to this as I don't want to drip feed.

Please don't flame me as I have had an absolutely terrible year, am told I am constantly run down and this is affecting my health.
Was going to name change but haven't.

I am currently separated from h after being married 20 years plus together for longer. Have 3 dcs eldest 17.

h left and it has not been easy but now I am living life as a single person and moving forward in all aspects of my life.

Straight away I knew I wanted to be with someone for many reasons, not least to experience being loved and wanted by a man. sounds pathetic but my ex never put me first and it was heartbreaking having to live through that.

I have met someone and we really get on. we both felt an instant attraction and he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything.
So far so good.

My dd1 doesn't like him. She has had a terriblre time coming to terms with the breakdown of her parents marriage, even though she did ask me not to have her dad back, stating that he wasn't good enough for me (again she herself told him he didn't put me first).

The reasons she gives for not liking my boyfriend are as follows:

He is fat
He is ugly
He is arrogant
He has been married before
His daughter is expecting a baby( she is a similar age to dd1)

And he isn't good enough for me and
I am happiest when I'm with my bf, and not doing stuff with her, (her own words-not mine).

When we all go out together she likes it. Then afterwards tells me she hates him and that she much prefers the ow to my bf.
I don't recat to this as she is free to spend as much time with her dad and ow as she likes. The problem is that her dad doesn't see her much and my dd1 has cried repeatedly to me over this.

Anyway yesterday a new issue came up.

Both dds dance and spend a large amount of time at dance classes.
A lady who works at the dance studio (not a teacher) gave my dd1 a lift to a dance show and must have asked how I was and was I still with my bf. DD1 obviously told her she disliked him as the woman's response was that she found him fine but would never go out with anyone whom her dcs disliked. Convenient as her kids were tiny when she met her new partner. She then proceed to tell my dd1 (in confidence!) that a number of parents had complained that I had taken a "stranger" into the dance waiting room, who could have been a peadophile!!!

The waiting area is not the changing room and you cannot see the dance studios either. Most of the people in there are mums who have been married a long time, some dads go but they aren't in "the clique" so sit looking a bit awkward.

The woman whose kids dance there too, told my dd1 not to tell me as now that I am still with bf there isn't really a problem (obviously the mums no longer view him as a paedophile!).

My dd1 made the woman tell her more and it appears the mums who complained were concerened that my bf had been looking at some of the older girls and he had looked one of the mums up and down.

I am friends with a lot of the mums there including mums of the older girls and not one of them has said anything to me. Not one dance teacher has said anything and this woman hasn't either.
I am also friends with the woman who was alledgedly looked up and down, although it wasn't her who said anything, She has my phone number and if I've seen her she always asks how things are with me anf bf, telling me how her sister is in a similar position.

I felt physically sick after hearing this. My dd1 has now referred to my bf as a pervert and a paedophile.

I must add that I have been with my bf when ever we have collected the girls from dancing. The last time he came to a show, and wasn't in the least bit interested, he sat silently checking the rugby score whilst the competitors danced.

I haven't spoken to him about it as what the hell can I say.

I feel angry with the mums as it sin't right to talk about people this way without speaking to me if there is a real problem. Not one of them has said anything to me, infact they were all very friendly with me toi my face.

Sounds a bit ridiculous written down but I was sick with worry when dd1 told me wondering if there could be any truth it what has been suggested.

Sorry this is long.

OP - just learn from all this, minimise contact between your DCs and your man, establish some more quality time with your DD especially, and see how it goes from there. Youve made a mistake bringing him into family too early, but you can recover from that. I 'get' that most people see that as the worst thing - and, it is - but some of the responses are verging on the 'you dont deserve to have an adult romantic life unless your DD allows you too/you're a mother be a martyr to your kids that must and should be the sum total of your life'; thats just unrealistic. Your family has been shattered by your H - not you. So, make a huge effort to start again and get it right this time. If your man is for you then he will understand, and he will be there for you even if you can't see him as often for a bit.

Dont end the relationship just because others, including the mums at the classes etc, are disapproving and being judgmental. You're not accountable to them, its none of their business. The only reason you should end it is if you feel uncomfortable about him being around your DCs for any reason at all and if thats the case, dont wait for it to be a red flag - intuitiona is enough. Apart from that..I hope you fix this and then just enjoy yourself. You have/are raising your children and put up with a shitty marriage for years. This could be a chance of happiness but you have to get the foundation right, and your DCs are included in that, at least for now until theyre grown up themselves. Good luck.

I agree with what others have said. You must put your children above a man you barely know.

You're making so many excuses as to why you need a boyfriend but it just sounds like desperation. You cannot say 'my daughter wanted me to have a boyfriend' etc etc. Your kids are kids. They probably wanted you to be happy but didn't realise it would mean a strange man coming to all their dance practices and monopolising their mother's time.

You also seem more concerned for your reputation than the potential danger your boyfriend poses. Worrying.

You've mentioned that your DP went to watch DD in a show and that he wasn't "the least bit interested" & checked sport on his phone. Why did you invite him to her show if he wasn't interested in watching? Dance is important to your DD yet you invited someone she hardly knows to watch her & then that person didn't even have the manners to pretend to be interested in the show. Bad manners & I'm surprised it didn't put you off him.

Also, why is he with you every time you pick your girls up from dance? Has he moved in with you? Even if he has, why does he need to come in the car with you every time, that sounds strange.

I seriously wouldn't bother trying to convert the cock before children brigade.

You have had some good advice though about seeing your chap without the children and you can talk to the other mum to gauge what your DD is feeling ATM.

If you only met up with him in November then that is a very short time for him to become involved in their every day lives. Your DD knows her dad is a waste of space but that doesnt mean that she will automatically love the next man in your life.

You were single parent for many years, but your DD wasnt the DD of a single parent. She had a mum and a dad that were together and although she acknowledges how bad things were, it doesnt mean that she will be ok with you replacing her dad (thats how she will see it).

You seem to be so desperate to not be on your own that you are not seeing what is right in front of you. Your DD is very unhappy, she needs you far more than you need a man in your life.

I know you dont want to hear it but you are being very selfish. Now is the time, more than ever before, to put your needs second to your kids needs. Talk to your BF, explain that you need time to help the family settle into the new "normal". Be there for your DD, give her the time and love she needs. Then in a year or so (possibly more), you may both be in a place where you can introduce this man into your family on a more permanent basis. But 4 months is waaaaay too soon for the happy family you are trying to create.

MorningTimes,

Dance is important to your DD yet you invited someone she hardly knows to watch her & then that person didn't even have the manners to pretend to be interested in the show.

No doubt if he had looked "interested" , that would be interpreted as clear evidence of "perving" .

The poor chap clearly cannot do anything right.

Give the OP a break.

Winkle - I wouldn't have interpreted interest as 'perving'

I also don't think being there for pick-ups sounds strange in a 'perv' kind of way, just wondering why he needs to be with the OP at all times?

again - it's not clear how long you were separated before getting together with this new chap - but I would also suspect that much of the 'conversation' might have have happened in DD1's head. If you have spent this long putting your kids first then so keep that as a priority - without sacrificing your own needs.

I have met someone and we really get on. we both felt an instant attraction - potential red flag.

he has said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. - After four months? Big red flag!

He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything. - In the given time frame, another red flag.

I'm sorry, my love, but I think your glasses are such a rosy hue that you can't see through them. Your synopsis of the relationship - not DD's opinion - very strongly suggests a dangerous man who's trying to lock you down fast. The standard advice is to cool it down, a lot, for a long time. He's pushing boundaries, and I suspect this is what DD1 senses when she uses words like 'arrogant'. As you've come hurtling out of an abusive relationship, you will be blind to the signs & symptoms, and you will have loose, weak boundaries.

Have a chat with your dance school friend. Tell her one or two things about him make you a little uneasy, and seek her honest opinion.

Do the Freedom Programme.

Yes, enjoy your relationship, don't pay any attention to the people who think that you should never have a life outside of being a mother, you are very lucky to have found someone you like.

There is some good advice on this page from people supporting you in your choices, good luck!

MorningT, you may not have interpreted 'interest' as perving, but there are others on here who could well have done.
He probably 'wants to be with her at all times' because he likes the OP and enjoys her company.

There's some good advice here OP, if you're still reading.

Yes, your DC might be teenagers but in some ways that makes them even more vulnerable to a new relationship. They've grown up with their parents together and married - it's a lot harder for them to accept a new man in the picture than it is for a toddler whose parents split up when they were tiny.

Four months is WAY too soon for your DD to be spending time at his house and for him to be staying over with you. Way too soon. I appreciate you want to have a "life" and a love life, and that's fine, but you don't need to bring your DC into it. Arrange a babysitter and go out without them. You cannot expect them to just welcome this random man into their everyday lives so soon after their parents marriage fell apart - it's not fair.

And after four months, really, you barely know him. You need to spend time getting to know him, away from your DC. I didn't spend quality time with my SDD's until DP and I had been together nearly a year, and they're only tiny and don't remember their parents even being together. They're lovely kids and we get on well now, but at four months, it's far, far too soon. Slow down a little!

I may have missed your response to apologies if this is the case OP but how long were you and your ex h properly apart before you started seeing your boyfriend? If it wasnt long then of course your DD (how old is she?)is going to find it difficult.

If you started seeing him in NovemberNovember then I think he's been introduced into their lives very quickly before she's had the chance to get used to the situation. My friend has been seeing someone for 9 months and absolutely refuses to introduce him to her children until she is completely positive that he will be a permanent fixture in all their lives.

You don't appear to be concerned about your dc, just about how your boyfriend appears to other mothers. Yabvu and a bit sad tbh to appear unable to cope without a man, any man? , beside you. I think you should step back and try and ddetermine what your priorities should be and are, and try and figure out why you appear afraid to be withought a 'boyfriend'. I realise youre clearly unhappy, but you should put your children and dedeveloping some confidence,self esteem etc first.

Garlic, why are those red flags?
DH and I were love-at-second-date, we had a conversation after 6 weeks about what we wanted from life so as not to repeat mistakes we'd made in previous relationships, during which we told each other deeply personal things, and then we moved in together 6 months later.
I can think of 3 other friends who had similar timescales with their partners who are now happily married
In fact, I can't think of any of my happily-married friends who don't say they knew within a short time of meeting their DP that they were The One

Spare did you and all of your friends already have children when you met your partners?

I don't think many people on this thread have an issue with the OP having a partner. The issue is that she has rushed from a "bad" relationship into something new because she needs to be with someone. What about what her children need? It seems to be all about her.

Can someone please point out where op states her dd1 is 17. I wonder whether conclusions have been jumped to. The op mentions she's hormonal which to me implies a slightly younger child, I wonder if the ds is 17 and the dd's say 15 and 13 or even younger. Sometimes our children get a feel for things but can't put it into words simply because they don't have the life experience we do as adults but it doesn't mean they aren't valid. Look at his dc have they been brought up to have the same view on life, expectations etc as yours have, that is more telling than you think. How involved with his dc is he, how supportive and encouraging these things will give you an idea of what he's like long term its very early days and he could be putting on an act still.

Jacks - In her first post the OP says "Have 3 dcs eldest 17." The bf's own dd is the same age and pregnant, so presumably the OP's dd1 is the 17yr-old.

"He is a very honest person, telling me personal things straight away, not concealing anything."

I'm curious about how you know he's not concealing things from you?

Thats what I mean Coppertop but it isn't actually stated so we are presuming. It's not unheard of for 14yo to be pregnant and would make the disapproval more understandable and also the later comment about being hormonal. I have 16 and 18 year old dd's and they're far more grown up than the ops dd1 comes across as.

OP, it seems to me that you need to establish some clear boundaries between your home life with your dc and your love life. If your bf is as good as you say he will respect that and take a step back.

Your dd seems way too involved with the whole dating process TBH, urging you to date, dictating where to meet etc. and this had lead to blurring of boundaries now that you have met someone you really like. 4 months and he is far too involved in family life. It takes months to get to know someone properly, 6 months minimum, so your dc are going to find the lack of a 'transition period' stressful. It's too much too soon. If your eldest dd is 17 she could babysit while you go on dates. Have your love life and your home life but separate them for a while, and merge them slowlgy and gently so that everyone has time to adjust.

Also, dc are supposed to be put first. We consciously choose to have children, they don't ask to be born and they shouldn't have to feel grateful for being looked after. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work but it's not your dc's job to put up with a total stranger in their family because you feel that life owes you something.

Goodness, what a nasty direction this took.

OP, in between the vitriol there's been some good advice on here, though I wouldn't blame you for missing it.

FWIW, it does sound like your daughter is struggling. It also sounds like she is being a bit of a cow. I think you need to tackle both those things - sit her down and have a firm talk about what is and isn't acceptable for her to say to you, but also - pull back from all the "big happy family" stuff, like someone else said. I think it probably is too soon for her and that's what she's trying to tell you. Just date this guy more on your own. I KNOW that's difficult to arrange, I do hear that. But it's not impossible. There must be a friend, relative, neighbour who could babysit once a month... and if not, pay someone.

If this guy is who you think he is, and if he really does feel this way about you, he will want to be involved in making this work long term.

I don't think he's a paedophile or a pervert based on what you've said.

Good luck. I hope you can find a way to make everyone happy, including yourself.

Well said, PopiusT.

The fact that he has told you he wants to spend the rest of his life with you when you've only been together a few months rings huge alarm bells for me.

That combined with the fact he has made these other women feel uncomfortable would be a red flag for me. I worry he is someone who has sensed your vulnerability and is capitalising on it.

It sounds like this other Mum might have been trying in a very clumsy way to try and warn you off. If a lot of other people are getting the sense there is something not right about him there may well be something there.

sparechange re the red flags garlic spoke of. OP has come out of a l-t abusive relationship and for many women they have not got their twat radar running properly after such a relationship. And some of them are sucked into another such relationship - early disclosure and declarations of love from the new man can be a warning sign of a potential abuser pressing buttons for someone who longs for a proper loving relationship but hasn't had one.

OP - my marriage ended a little over a year ago.

I know all experiences are personal but I am surprised at the speed at which you have headed into another relationship. Admittedly my marriage was abusive, exhausting and head fuckingly messed up but even now I feel incredibly wary about heading into another relationship.

Do you not feel like you need some time for yourself? To understand who you are these days and what shape you want your life to take now? I was 21 when I met my exH and am 35 now and it's taken me over a year (and counting) to feel like me again.

Aside from that I agree with everyone else who has said it's way too soon for your kids. 'Yes buts... ' aside (and there are always ways not to involve children) that's done now but if I was in your position I'd certainly be dialling back the amount of time you mix boyfriend and kids together. Don't you want proper adult time to find out enough about each other.

I don't want be alarmist either but your posts do contain a lot of red flags for potentially abusive relationships. Moving quickly, never felt like this before, you in a fairly vulnerable position, lots of time demands at expense of other people.

Can you take some time out? A day on your own and consider whether your priorities are right or if you are feeling excited by a rush of blood to the head or elsewhere that positive attention brings most of us. I confess I used to be incredibly susceptible to positive attention because I feel so little worthy of it. Now I know that and I work hard not to overreact to it.

I don't like to be overly critical but I do think you should be prioritising and be more accepting of your children's feelings. If this guy is a prince then presumably he will find this easy to accept. If he doesn't then maybe he isn't such a catch.