To want a bit of flexability from ex regarding contact?

[Loopylouu]

Ds is 11 and goes to his fathers house EOW. His father lives a four hour drive away, and dh and I do all the traveling to facilitate contact, dropping ds on a Friday night and picking up on a Sunday afternoon. Pain in the arse, but I was the one who moved away - although when I moved, ex had a tenancy agreed on a flat in the town I was moving too (where we are both originally from) but then met a woman and decided to stay put at the last min.

Anyhow, I am currently very pregnant and the past few weeks dh has done the journeys alone as I really don't think I am up to an 8 hour round trip twice in a weekend as I've had a few problems recently. My consultant also said she'd really rather I was not too far from the hopital as ds arrived early and v fast labour ending in section, this baby is breech to complicate things further. Don't fancy a breech vbac on the hard shoulder!

Anyway, I have a date for my section, it's on a Friday that ds is due to go. So dh would have to pick him up from school and then head off on an 8 hour round trip. He might even miss the birth as I could still be waiting for my section at 2.15 which is when he'd have to leave to get to ds school in time to pick him up. He'd then be away all day on the Sunday.

I have asked ex today if ds could be here that weekend - to be honest, I'd like him to be the first to meet his new sister, and I know I will just want to see ds as soon as I can.

Also, as ds was early I am kind of expecting this baby to be early to. If ds is away, I have asked ex if he can bring ds home, I don't want dh to have to leave me while I am giving birth to go and get ds.

Any missed weekends, exh can have ds for two in a row afterwards, we are willing to be flexable.

Ex has said no to everything. The weekends have to stay as they are.

Ds is so terrified of upsetting his dad that he won't say anything. He gets imotionally blackmailed and gets told "if you don't want to see me, I'll never see you again" if he ever broaches changing a weekend so now he doesn't bother.

Exh told me to 'grow up' and that if I couldn't cope without dh there then he's worried how I will cope with a new baby and ds (ex h was at ds birth, but very begrudgingly as he was supposed to meet up wih a fire d for lunch, I was accused of going into labour early to ruin it!).

Fwiw, if it was the other way round I would bend over backwards to accommodate him being with his wife.

I don't want to run the risk of giving birth alone, dh would be devistasted to miss his daughters birth, I want ds to come to see me/her ASAP when she's born and I am worried about the saftey of ds driving with dh if he's worried/anxious etc.

Surely I am not being unreasonable?

Seriously see a solicitor. Get a loan if necessary. Take the fucker to court to formalise this and use his own paperwork to refuse at least half of the travelling. And definitely go through the csa equivalent for maintenance.

Formalising all of this will take away the stick he uses to beat you and despite probably being difficult initially will improve your quality of life no end eventually.

Cross posted with macdoodle. Yes, even better call his bluff and get him to take you to court. In the meantime tell him (in writing) that you will make your ds avaliable for contact on the agreed weekends but that for now he will need to do the travelling.

I think you should see the birth of your new baby as a timely opportunity to alter the arrangements. You should offer to do half the travelling, be it one leg each contact weekend, or both legs on the alternative weekends. Considering there is no contact order and he was supposed to be moving too, he has been lucky that you have facilitated all the travelling for 4 years. Tell him that the new baby and financial pressures mean you can no longer do it all and then let him take you to court.

I'm not actually worried about him taking me to court over dh taking and collecting ds alone.

Dh is ds stepfather, he is trusted, he is a responsible driver. Ds is in no danger what so ever. There is no reason for me to be there to if I can't be due to late pregnancy/having a new baby to look after.

Ex said that the baby wasn't an excuse, the she could stay at home with dh while I picked up ds and that the court would just tell me not to breastfeed so I could leave her I did laugh at him for saying that, I'd love to be a fly on he wall if he did seek legal advice over that one!

I will put together an email about when the baby is born saying that we cannot travel that weekend and give him he option of doing it himself or havin the following weekend instead.

At least that way I can show that I am offering compromise, not just refusing contact entirely.

If the baby shows up early then that's another worry, but hoe fully I can hang on until 39 weeks this time round.

I will also spend tomorrow looking into legal advice. I want everything to be above board now.

If you offer to do half the travelling offer to do the leg collecting ds, or alternate weekend only. Otherwise I wouldn't put it past him to not drop him back... Afterall he did this before

Cross posted. Good on you and good luck x

It sounds like you're spending too much time getting bogged down with things which are just not his business - to comment on or try to engage you in conversation over.

I went to just email communication with my XH for a while. It helps keep record.

What about mediation? Its quite good for thrashing things out and focusing on whats important. Offering mediation is typically seen as a first step prior to court too I believe.

Try and be realistic and look at his history to work out what he's likely to do.

He's unlikely to return him so don't give him the option not to.

The problem you have is you have facilitated all the travel previously but it's quite likely you could get that altered why don't you suggest that he does all collections and whilst you are unable to travel he does the returns but when you are able it changes to your ex collecting but you/your DH bringing DS home?

Short term if he refuses to return him tell the school in advance so you limit the chance of you being fined and make sure they have ex's details so he can be fined and make sure ex is aware that if DS is not returned he will be liable for a fine from the LA

I think for this weekend if ex won't be flexible, sod him. A new baby is a big deal for everyone including DS. I wouldn't want DS feeling pushed out at not being involved with the new arrival.

When it comes to CSA, apply now. As you've said you're currently getting nothing so have nothing to lose even with the new fees. The children he lives with are taken into account, which sounds odd but is fair when you think that their mum will be losing out on tax credits, child benefit etc with him living there.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/260890/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance.pdf

I can't stand dads who don't pay! That teminds me to ring the CSA, I've had nothing since July.... Grrr

We've already been though the nonsense with fines.

Exh lives in a very rural location. Last year when it was snowing badly his area was due to be very badly affected that weekend. Again, I tried to compromise, saying that if his village was snowed in, we wouldnt be able to get ds, so did he want him for the following two weekends when hopefully the weather would be better.....

Anyway, he refused. We couldn't get ds on the Sunday. Couldn't even get close as the whole area was badly affected. It was the Friday before we could get him home so he missed five days of school. I went to see the head who said ds edciatoon came first and that I should have thought about the weather in advance - I DID!!

So it was me that got it in the neck, ex spoke to school and said that ds was ready to be collected, it wasn't his fault if we couldn't get there.

He sounds like an arse, but at the same time you need to stop letting him call all the shots. When the weather was that bad, you should have just refused to take him. So what if he wouldn't agree to change weekends? Why does he get the final say?

Because he's a bully.

He holds me to ransom over ds, says he will go to court for full custody as he has more than me, high wage, nice house (we rent an ok ave but it's too small).

He emotionally blackmails ds by saying he won't love him anymore if he doesn't go.

It's very hard to live with, especially as I took his emotional abuse for 12 years, from a teen until I was 30.

I find it hard to be strong. Dh doesn't, he'd happily tell him to fuck off, but I am still scared of what he'll do. I wanted to leave whe ds was a baby but I did t due to his threats, he wore me down.

Your fear is controlling you.

The stuff your ex thinks matters to a court does not matter at all.

Yes, but given the choice, ds would be with him. That is what scares me. If it car to custody, all ex would have to do is a slight guilt trip o ds and he would say he wanted to live with him.

Not because he's the better parent, but because ds id terrified of disappointing him. Ds knows his father doesn't love him unconditionally, but only for achievements and behaving the right way around his family etc. I have never, ever said anything to support that, poor ds has worked it out for himself. Not hard when his father constantly tells him how wonderful his 'new family' are and how they are important to him and ds just has to fit in and shut up.

ds knows I love him whatever and that I always will, what ever happens, whatever he does in life. We've talked about all this, he knows I would love him still if he chose his father over me, but he knows that if he chose me over his father that would be it - he'd never see him again. It's all so sad.

The way he treats ds is appalling, he puts his new girlfriend (or wife, ds keeps saying he's heard they got married, but that his dad just tells him to shut up if he asks) and her children before ds all the time, emotionally, time wise, money wise, everything. But ds just wants his dad to love him.

Anyway, email sent.

I have said that it is not possible for us to travel that weekend. Dh cannot come on his own as it is unreasonable for him to miss the birth of his child and he is my support during birth. Also I would like ds to be here as I want him to be involved with his new sibling from the beginning.

I have given him more than fair options of making up for the weekend, or for him to do the travel if he still wants ds that weekend anyway.

So we'll see what happens.

ahhhh well done for sending it, but you have still put wayyyyyy too much stuff in it, too many excuses/apologies/reasons, you DO NOT have to discuss this with him any more. I think you need some counselling, he still has far too much control over you. IME men like these very rarely actually go to court for custody, they dont actually want the effort or the child, but they know that is your biggest fear. You have to stand up to him, you are doing your DS no favours whatsoever showing him that this behaviour is acceptable.

YANBU at all - refusing to bring your DS back! Bloody hell, that is off the scale awful. I remember the post you made about the bad weather too. Glad to see you have asserted yourself - I know it's tough.

It does seem that your ex is still using access as a means of control and abuse - sadly, this isn't unusual.

Please don't spend your life fearful that you have to pander to an abusive man because you're fearful of what he might do. People like this can't be reasoned with and the more you do the appeasing thing the worse they get.

Maybe it would be best to get things on a legal footing?

Oh and good luck for the impending birth too :)

"IME men like these very rarely actually go to court for custody, they dont actually want the effort or the child, but they know that is your biggest fear."

This is spot on.

Imagine for a moment that you do go to court. Something to think about - how do you think they would view a man who refuses to return his child and keeps him off school for 5 days for his own convenience?

YADNBU. Your XH sounds dreadful. Good luck with the birth and the legal route. A young baby shouldn't be travelling that sort if distance for at least a year on a regular basis, so you have to sort this out now. What if your baby is like all of mine and screams constantly in a car until over one?! 45 mins was the absolute maximum we could do for years! Your new and and your DS come first and XH's convenience a distant priority. He should be doing ALL the driving for the next year if you ask me. And the first time DS is not returned, phone police/ see solicitor and all further access is cancelled until court order.