To want a bit of flexability from ex regarding contact?

[Loopylouu]

Ds is 11 and goes to his fathers house EOW. His father lives a four hour drive away, and dh and I do all the traveling to facilitate contact, dropping ds on a Friday night and picking up on a Sunday afternoon. Pain in the arse, but I was the one who moved away - although when I moved, ex had a tenancy agreed on a flat in the town I was moving too (where we are both originally from) but then met a woman and decided to stay put at the last min.

Anyhow, I am currently very pregnant and the past few weeks dh has done the journeys alone as I really don't think I am up to an 8 hour round trip twice in a weekend as I've had a few problems recently. My consultant also said she'd really rather I was not too far from the hopital as ds arrived early and v fast labour ending in section, this baby is breech to complicate things further. Don't fancy a breech vbac on the hard shoulder!

Anyway, I have a date for my section, it's on a Friday that ds is due to go. So dh would have to pick him up from school and then head off on an 8 hour round trip. He might even miss the birth as I could still be waiting for my section at 2.15 which is when he'd have to leave to get to ds school in time to pick him up. He'd then be away all day on the Sunday.

I have asked ex today if ds could be here that weekend - to be honest, I'd like him to be the first to meet his new sister, and I know I will just want to see ds as soon as I can.

Also, as ds was early I am kind of expecting this baby to be early to. If ds is away, I have asked ex if he can bring ds home, I don't want dh to have to leave me while I am giving birth to go and get ds.

Any missed weekends, exh can have ds for two in a row afterwards, we are willing to be flexable.

Ex has said no to everything. The weekends have to stay as they are.

Ds is so terrified of upsetting his dad that he won't say anything. He gets imotionally blackmailed and gets told "if you don't want to see me, I'll never see you again" if he ever broaches changing a weekend so now he doesn't bother.

Exh told me to 'grow up' and that if I couldn't cope without dh there then he's worried how I will cope with a new baby and ds (ex h was at ds birth, but very begrudgingly as he was supposed to meet up wih a fire d for lunch, I was accused of going into labour early to ruin it!).

Fwiw, if it was the other way round I would bend over backwards to accommodate him being with his wife.

I don't want to run the risk of giving birth alone, dh would be devistasted to miss his daughters birth, I want ds to come to see me/her ASAP when she's born and I am worried about the saftey of ds driving with dh if he's worried/anxious etc.

Surely I am not being unreasonable?

I think you can ask the cmo people to just do a calculation for you and then use a family based arrangement without collection service if that's what you want. They will then have the power to request pay slips and tax returns and proper documentation from him and give you both the calculation. You can ask them to collect or enforce if he doesn't pay up fully each month.

Try posting on the legal board here too. There are some very helpful lawyers who post back and might be able to advise.

Loupy, if he can't afford maintenance he won't be able to afford a solicitor for a court order either. My H paid over £3k for the fees for his. He's just blowing hot air. I agree with others, call his bluff. His demands have controlled too much of your family's time for too long. It will be so liberating for you to change your thought process. Instead of worrying about what he may do/say, start taking control and let him react for a change. Let him carry out his threat for solicitor / court order. He can only do it once and then it can't ever be used to hang over you again. I think it may be a positive thing as there will be some fairness built in over transport and flexibility the wording of ours allows for flexibility for special occasions etc. if you had a court order in place now, there is surely no way he would be able to challenge you seeking to vary contact for the birth as this is just such a special one-off occasion. Also I understand that a good solicitor would have to encourage him to seek mediation first as judges don't generally like it if the parties have not made an effort to negotiate things themselves first. If he refused he would look like the unreasonable party. Also definitely get onto the new CM people and get everything officially calculated. I can't see that you have anything to lose.

Thanks blues, I didn't realise I can do that.

I am fed up of him pleading poverty when he has a very good job with a six figure salary. He's moved in with a woman and her four children. We always had a private arrangement, but when they moved In together he recalculated the amount from the Csa website and was very gleeful that he'd now have to pay less for dh as he was now living with four other children.

I have never known exactly how much he earns, even when we were together her would tell me. I jus want to know if he is being fair or fleecing ds.

Surely if this ever came to court the fact that you put yourself out so excessively, IMO, to facilitate contact would be in your favour. I can't see any court finding your request unreasonable. Your DS should be part of the arrival of his little brother or sister and it is your child's needs which are paramount.

I must confess I thought that children had to be made available for contact but it was up to the non resident parent to pick them up and return them. Meeting midway would be more equitable.

So you don't receive any money from him and drive him 4hrs to drop him off? Really stop doing this, just because you moved away (to a place you thought ExDh was going to be?) you now do all the facilitating? Just STOP!

He is a controlling arsehole. Of course your partner should be with you, that is a complete no brainer, just say No, in fact, I would say you are unable to drop and collect for at least six months after the birth and that he is most welcome to either collect himself or see your son locally. he is right royally taking the piss out of you!
If he refuses to bring him back then call the police.

He's such a liar as well. He said he lost his job - turns out he was on garden leave and now has an even better job. The idiot was boasting about it when dh picked up ds - dh turned up to get ds and there were new people in the house - turned out he'd moved to a larger place down the road.

Surely the other four children's father(s) have to pay maintenance for them? How come if they are not his, he suddenly is able to claim he is picking up the tab for them, when he has presumably never been legally responsible for them? Yet he is for his DS, as he was married to you? All very odd.

northlight it was me that chose to move ds so far away. I've read many threads on here the other way round, it's the dad that moves away, he woman is told that he should do all the running then.

It is irrelevant who decides to move away IMO.
The fact of the matter is where everyone ends up living.

boffin it's crazy, isn't it?

But yes, legally he can pay less for his own child now that he lives with other children. I couldn't quite believe it myself.

I should get leh advice I guess as he suddenly broke the private arrangement to recalcate by the csa rules, but not actually by going through them.

I agree with others that you should write to him, Loopylouu, so I'm really just posting to emphasis that.

Can I ask that, when you do write, you do not apologise in any way, shape or form. Do not include the phrase 'I'm sorry' in your letter (or any other phrase that could be read as an apology). Something like

"Dear ExController,
further to our recent conversation(s) I am writing to confirm that as I am due to have an elective CS on Friday 'date' neither DH or I will be available to drive DS for a contact weekend at your home, starting on that day.
Possible alternative arrangements are that
either the contact weekend remains unchanged, facilitated by you collecting our DS from 'hometown' on Friday 'date' and returning him on Sunday 'date';
or the contact weekend is postponed to the following weekend, to be facilitated by my DH and I, my post-operative health permitting;
or the contact weekend on Friday 'date' is cancelled by mutual agreement, the next facilitated contact weekend being two weeks later on Friday 'date', my post-operative health permitting.
I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience, with regards to your preferred choice of alternative arrangement.
with regards
Loopylouu"

If he answers, choosing a viable alternative, well and good. If he doesn't then you simply send him another letter saying
"as you have been unable to accept or offer a reasonable alternative to the necessary change in contact arrangements on the day of my elective CS, Friday 'date', I am left with no alternative but to cancel that contact weekend and to confirm that contact will be resumed two weeks later, on Friday 'date', my post-operative health permitting."

In your position, I would also either do all communications with him in writing or, at least, confirm verbal communications in writing, from here on in.

At eleven, there will soon be all sorts of changes in you DS's lifestyle that he will need both parents to facilitate through flexibility, but if you cannot (reasonably) stand your ground with his father, how on earth do you expect your DS to?

Good luck with your CS.

No contact then for that weekend and tge foreseeable future. If he wanted to see ds he would do the driving and pull his weight.

So those kids get two lots of money spent on them when your DS only gets one?

I'm not a lawyer either but I think you should formalise everything through the courts. Take advice. I find it hard to believe hat you would be any worse off and would expect you to be better off in terms of time and peace of mind as well as financially.

Others might know better but I think any parent is expected to be proactive rather than passive when it comes to contact.

I agree the best thing I ever did was formalise everything with my nasty XH. Now actually yes it was much more stressful in the SHORT term, because he was so used to me pussy footing around trying to keep him happy. But in the long run it is a million times better, and actually we get on fractionally better because he has no power.

generally the parent that moves away does have to facilitate the contact so OP is right they normally do the driving but even if there was a court order I think this weekend would be seen as exceptional in that OP is having surgery and will not be able to drive for a few weeks; it is not her DH that needs to arrange contact so her ex is BU, and he should either fetch his son or miss the weekend

after CS OP is unlikely to be able to drive for at least 3 weeks maybe 6

Shame there isn't an alternative to mediation and court in the form of a MN Jury,

legally all you have to do is make son available for contact I would do what my sister dose she has ds bags packed and rings the ex with the time to pick ds up then it's up to ex weather he arrives or not it's not up to my sister to ferry ds about to exs contact and if he don't like the four hour travel he should move closer

And please tell me you won't be taking the baby on four hour trips every weekend

boffin yes.

Although he says that the children's father pays no maintanance, but tbh, that's not my ds problem, is it? And I don't believe a word he says anymore anyway, he's tripped himself up too many times.

He says my dh is paying for ds. Well, yes, we are a family and dh would never begrudge ds anything, but his dad should pay towards him too.

But although the op moved she could argue that she did so knowing her ex had agreed a tenancy in the same place. It was then he who changed things. Do you have that is writing anywhere op?

Oh and the CSA (or whatever) will start the payment date from when you start your claim. My XH delayed and avoided them for so long that he is now paying arrears (3years worth) till my DD1 is 16 (she's 12 now). I was hoping for a lump sum but actually the extra £80 odd a month is great. On top of the usual payments. And he is self employed, works away, cash payments etc funnily enough his GF gets a new car every time he comes home. I am sure he is earning far more than he "declares", but you know what I dont care, its the principle of him being forced to take responsibility for his children, and the £360 a month doesnt hurt either.

tramp it would be 8 hours for the baby - 4 there and four back, then again to pick him up on the Sunday.

Dh has said no way to that, he'll be going on his own there is no way the baby will be doing 16 hours in the car every other weekend.

When ex threw a wobbly about not wanting to hand over ds to dh he said he'd take me to court.

I doubt any judge would Order me to take a baby in a car for that long, or leave her at home with dh when I went alone (I plan to breastfeed ffs), so I did tell him good luck with that.

yellow yes I do. Not about the tenancy, but his plans to move.

He is such a control freak that he did the divorce papers himself. In black and white he states that he will also be moving to X area, that he will have ds every other weekend and on and ad hoc basis in the week when he's not working etc. He wrote that all himself.

Then met a woman and changed his mind. Then backtracked and said it was because he couldn't rent out his house anyway. Then he promy moved in with her and guess what? Rented his house out. He's full of shit.

Tell him to take you to court, he wont will he. He'll lose anyway. Call his bluff! He's a big fat bully.