To want a bit of flexability from ex regarding contact?

[Loopylouu]

Ds is 11 and goes to his fathers house EOW. His father lives a four hour drive away, and dh and I do all the traveling to facilitate contact, dropping ds on a Friday night and picking up on a Sunday afternoon. Pain in the arse, but I was the one who moved away - although when I moved, ex had a tenancy agreed on a flat in the town I was moving too (where we are both originally from) but then met a woman and decided to stay put at the last min.

Anyhow, I am currently very pregnant and the past few weeks dh has done the journeys alone as I really don't think I am up to an 8 hour round trip twice in a weekend as I've had a few problems recently. My consultant also said she'd really rather I was not too far from the hopital as ds arrived early and v fast labour ending in section, this baby is breech to complicate things further. Don't fancy a breech vbac on the hard shoulder!

Anyway, I have a date for my section, it's on a Friday that ds is due to go. So dh would have to pick him up from school and then head off on an 8 hour round trip. He might even miss the birth as I could still be waiting for my section at 2.15 which is when he'd have to leave to get to ds school in time to pick him up. He'd then be away all day on the Sunday.

I have asked ex today if ds could be here that weekend - to be honest, I'd like him to be the first to meet his new sister, and I know I will just want to see ds as soon as I can.

Also, as ds was early I am kind of expecting this baby to be early to. If ds is away, I have asked ex if he can bring ds home, I don't want dh to have to leave me while I am giving birth to go and get ds.

Any missed weekends, exh can have ds for two in a row afterwards, we are willing to be flexable.

Ex has said no to everything. The weekends have to stay as they are.

Ds is so terrified of upsetting his dad that he won't say anything. He gets imotionally blackmailed and gets told "if you don't want to see me, I'll never see you again" if he ever broaches changing a weekend so now he doesn't bother.

Exh told me to 'grow up' and that if I couldn't cope without dh there then he's worried how I will cope with a new baby and ds (ex h was at ds birth, but very begrudgingly as he was supposed to meet up wih a fire d for lunch, I was accused of going into labour early to ruin it!).

Fwiw, if it was the other way round I would bend over backwards to accommodate him being with his wife.

I don't want to run the risk of giving birth alone, dh would be devistasted to miss his daughters birth, I want ds to come to see me/her ASAP when she's born and I am worried about the saftey of ds driving with dh if he's worried/anxious etc.

Surely I am not being unreasonable?

Why are you letting him control you 4 yrs after you've split. Sort maintenance through the Csa and see a solicitor about contact, take the power out of his hands.Stop trying to be nice, he us never ever going to be reasonable no matter what you do.

You are allowed some discretion in exceptional circumstances. This counts as exceptional circumstances.

Write a letter to your ExH, detailing what suggestions you have made, and that you recognise he has refused the attempts to maintain the contact for that weekend and explain that the visit won't be taking place, and why.

It seems that he just wants to try and put a spanner in the works, or control you.

Ds woouod have to be picked up on the Sunday. Which would mean dh leaving at 9am. I'd still bein hosptal after my section and tbh, I'd appreciate dh being around on the ward as much as possible, I had a horrific time on the postnatal ward after having ds.

I also want ds to be here when she is born, I don't a to him to feel pushed out in anyway.

This is all academic anyway- I am fully expecting her to come early like ds did. If ds is away and I go I to labour I do to want dh leaving me half way through to get him. But ex has said no, even in. That situation he won't bring ds home for once.

I think he needs to get off his arse and show his son how much he loves him by putting in the effort himself to fetch him.
I would tell him that if he wants to see him then he needs to collect him as you are unable to facilitate this for the foreseeable future.
I would also be prepared to call the police should he refuse to return him. They take this very seriously.
Good luck with the birth.

Take a leaf out of your EX's book and say NO Loopy

Keep your DS at home.

Macdoodle, when I said I wanted to go though the csa, he pointed out that it didn't exsist anymore and that he'd have to pay for the new system which would mean he couldn't pay as much maintainance.

But then, I don't actually know how much he earns and of course he's lying about his wage and telling me it's less - why would he be truthful?

Can anyone explain how it works? I can't afford to go to a solicitor.

It sounds like your ex takes the piss. Have you ever considered getting some form of contact agreement drawn up which wouldn't involved you doing all the driving and your ex pulling is weight a bit more?

It's all such a mess and he really is a lying bastard.

FFS

Tell him to piss off and then do what you should have done 4 years ago. Grow a backbone, get a solicitor and get proper maintenance and access arrangements.

Save his texts etc and use them as and when necessary.

Have your baby, as a family, fuck his teeny tempy tanty's.

Have a nice life.

It sounds as though theres little to loose by just saying he can't have DS that weekend.

Things sound pretty broken. No maintenance, he's bullying your DS, looking out for his own interests not your DS's, he's not sharing transport, he's making nasty snippy comments to bully you.

Have you thought about some form of mediation over access, transport and maintenance with the threat of going the legal route if he doesn't play ball?

What an absolute arse. If he is refusing to bring DS back to you then say no to contact that weekend. If he fails to return DS in retaliation again at some point then tell him it will be supervised contact from that point until he undertakes not to do something like that again. There is no court order and he is being very unreasonable.
Take him to the new child maintenance people - (I can't remember their name) and yes, you'd both have to pay a bit to use their collection service but at least he wouldn't be able to threaten you like this.

He's not being as horrid as some can be, this is normal-ish behaviour for XPs who lean towards the selfish/entitled end of things, which may be why you are not together any longer, and yet he will feel completely justified. You will never be able to change that.

My XP slashed maintenance for DD when I got married, DH effectively had to pick up the bill for her as I was a postgraduate student, and XP then immediately installed a hand built kitchen in his minor stately home while we were all squashed up in a tiny flat that I paid the mortgage on myself out of my meagre income. I did see a solicitor, but it became very apparent that the law is on the side of the wealthy male when people are not married, and consequently it all rather grated, but in the end he is the lonely bastard with the health problems from sitting around too much, and I have three more kids and a lot more friends, not to mention a more cheerful and comfortable (if less grand) house of my own.

He did have me driving around a lot when it was his turn to have DD, and came up with all sorts of crap about not wanting to run a car as his excuse for treating me - and other people - as a chauffeur when it suited him. Great ways around all that are to develop an unreliable car, frequent convenient headaches, and just to say very nicely that you are just not up to it, but if he wants to pop across and pick DS up he is more than welcome to.

But ultimately I think your XP does rather sound like he has had his cake and is eating it. He did his own divorce, you have to do all the running with regard to DS, yet he probably tells himself what a great dad he is. I think the only way forward is to gently dig your heels in on the things you feel are unreasonable, so you have a more balanced arrangement.

Get thee to a solicitor, and you contact CSA ( or whatever they have changed it too now)

He's deliberately doing this to spoil your time with your family.

Also suggest some counselling for you son. His father is really doing a number on him.

Loopy, they all say that about maintenance.
They are also all scared to death of having their finances investigated, I tell you.

www.cmoptions.org/en/other-arrangements/statutory-service.asp

There you are - that's the CSA replacement. Give them a call and they'll sort out that aspect for you.

The only reason I'd never gone to a solicitor is that I've never been able to afford to. There were no assess in the marriage. There was a house, but he had remortgaged it and had so many debts against it as he was a big gambler. It was so far into negative equity it wasn't funny, so there would have been no proceeds to pay legal fees from. I just wanted to get away from him in the end.

Ok, I will get onto them. The only reason I didn't is his big sob sorry about how he'd be ae to pay hardly anything because of thier fees. But he's not paying now anyway, so I've got nothing to lose.

Plus, I know he's lying about how much he earns and I know he gets a huge yearly bonus.

Loopy, you have more cards in your hand than you realise if he is a gambler, and also if he chose not to live near his son because he found another woman.

There's not a lot he can really do without going to court if you decide it is better for DS to see his father locally indefinitely. If he is that much in debt, he won't be able to afford to contest that.

I do think it's worth paying for an hour's legal advice though, or going to a free legal surgery or whatever they call them. You don't have to commit to spending megabucks.

Caveat, I am not a solicitor, in case that sounded like professional legal advice. I do think spending £100-£150 for one hour's advice might be a good investment though.

Well I have a csa ordered payment and neither of us pay them anything. You can apply online, it was a lengthy painful process but if you keep hounding them you can get there, and my ex is so unreasonable it means he has no power at all.
Lots of family solicitors will do a free initial hour and at least you will have some idea of where you stand.
Please stop letting him bully you and ds.

I think actually they'd calculate what he'd have to pay and then they'd add a bit more that he'd have to pay to cover their fees. But he shouldn't have stopped the money because you weren't jumping to his beck and call.

If we stick to a private maintaince arrangemt, does anyone know if there is anyway that I can get him to prove how much he actually earns? Because at the moment, I just have to take his word for it.

If you save yourself 16 hours worth of petrol (probably 3 tanks) on the weekend you are due to give birth surely that would be enough for one appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand?

If there is no access agreement I'm in the 'fuck him' camp. He has been behaving like a controlling cunt for too long and it's not in your ds interest to spend so long in the car every other weekend. And for what is worth I'm usually massively on favour of supporting a relationship with both parents.

I'd take a loan out to get the legal side of things sorted, in all honesty. I can't believe for a minute anyone would reasonably expect you to do all the travelling so you'd make the money back in this saving pretty quickly. And you'd also be more protected to go to the police and insist your ex return your son if he started being an arse about bringing him back too, if everything was formalised.

Your ex is the worst kind of cunt, who is using your son to control you and not thinking for a second what is in your son's interest. Time to put your foot down and say 'no more'

Disclaimer, I'm not a lawyer either