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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think these parents have lost their minds and wonder If SS could be involved?

85 replies

MamaPain · 23/02/2014 10:13

DM Link

I will try to find another link but gist of the story is these parents are supporting their 16 year old daughter in her choice to move to Turkey to live with and marry a 21 year old Turkish barman who she started a relationship with on the family holiday.

To me it just seems a madness and I wonder if there's a case for involvement by outside agencies. I think they are not just allowing but helping their child to put herself in such a vulnerable situation.

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 23/02/2014 11:18

Not sure whether speaking the language is necessary to fall in love, he probably speaks a bit of English, my husband spoke some when I met him but was by no means fluent and there were lots of misunderstandings/confusion and time spent articulating and waving arms about early on. Love is a funny thing.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/02/2014 11:20

I can totally see why these parents are allowing this. Their daughter has 3 GCSEs. Is that even enough to get on a college course in the UK? She has been given the opportunity to marry someone who's family have enough land to build them a house. I can see why her parents are jumping at this opportunity.

Original poster
MamaPain · 23/02/2014 11:21

Georgesdino good for you, however, I don't find blind love at all impressive.

OP posts:
georgesdino · 23/02/2014 11:22

I agree tallesttower.

cory · 23/02/2014 11:22

georgesdino, there are good reasons why the daughter should not be tied in a marriage to a foreign national at such a young age

it doesn't matter whether she listens to her parents or not- she technically cannot get married unless they put their signature on the consent form

they are not obliged to do that

in exactly the same way as they don't have to give parental consent to a school trip they don't approve of or her joining the army or anything else that requires their permission- without that piece of handwriting it can't happen

she physically will not be able to get to Turkey unless either she or they pay for the flight

I am not even sure she can leave the country without their consent: my dd still gets stopped at passport control and she is 17

they are not obliged to provide her with any financial support if she moves from home and they can easily argue that they can't afford to run two homes

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 23/02/2014 11:24

TSSDNCOP

You are supposed to be in education / training until the end of the school year you turn 17 if you live in England.

So yes - she should be in college / school / doing an apprenticeship until July as she lives in Swindon.

(My very bright 16 yo nephew lives 2 miles over the Welsh border and has just dropped out. Sad )

georgesdino · 23/02/2014 11:27

I just think its very naive that she wouldnt find a way round it.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2014 11:31

I just think its very naive that she wouldnt find a way round it.

Only way round it would be for him to send her the money - assuming she has an account/that he could afford it/that he wanted to/that she could get hold of her passport.

Loads of ways to stop it if it's happening in another country as opposed to the next street.

I know it's good to keep communication going in this kind of circumstance, but there is no way in hell I would be condoning or facilitating it at all.

TSSDNCOP · 23/02/2014 11:32

Georgie no ones doubting the crazy intensity of young love, and there's posters here that are testimony that is does last.

But I'd bet my packet of ginger nuts this kid couldn't point to Turkey on a map.

And her parents aren't supporting, so much as facilitating the madness.

cory · 23/02/2014 11:37

That depends on what you mean by "it", georges.

If I were her parents, I would not be so worried about her actually sleeping with this bloke. She's already done that and I agree that she could find a way of doing it again.

I would be worried about her getting tied down in a situation with the legal ties of marriage, house provided by the IL's, IL's and extended family looming large in her life and having a stake in her life and any potential child.

And those are exactly the things they can avoid by refusing to put their signature on that document.

georgesdino · 23/02/2014 11:38

I just think that we managed to hide it until a couple of days before. We were going to say from the departure lounge. We were told you had to be 21 without parent consent in Caribbean but after lots.of letters the hotel changed policy. We just flew out the pair of us. I would of gone anywhere and there are places that allow it at 16. I just think if they were like me and dh then they will find a way round everything.

Original poster
MamaPain · 23/02/2014 11:39

I hope they're stupid enough to do a follow up story.

How much would this kind of thing earn them, not much surely.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 23/02/2014 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaPain · 23/02/2014 11:45

But George as you can see from my thread title it's not actually the girls behaviour I'm most concerned by. It's her parents. I'm saying I am horrified by their behaviour.

I don't know if you have DC but regardless you know there are lots of thing your DC will want to do an often manage to do without parental approval. That doesn't mean parents should just say fuck, knock yourself and crack on.

Also the idea that it's a good idea because she's only got 3 GCSEs and his family hVe land is presumably a joke.

OP posts:
cory · 23/02/2014 11:47

Besides, I think there are two important jobs you have to do as a parent:

you parent by actual prevention

and you parent by what you stand for

If my 13yo came to me and said I want to start smoking, I could of course say to myself, oh there is no way I can stop this, he can always get hold of money and get some from an older mate, so I might as well buy him some cigarettes myself.

Or I could say to him: look, I think this is a bad idea for x and y reason, I know I cannot lock you up until you are grown-up to stop you, but I don't want you ever to think afterwards that I sanctioned this. If you do it anyway behind my back, then it is your decision and I want you to know that.

This shows him a) that I really am serious about wanting to shield him from harm b) that I really am serious about this being harmful c) that I have respect for my own integrity and that noone (not even my beloved child) has the right to force me to do something I think is wrong.

I hope I would be able to do this in such a way as to make him feel I was still listening and still caring about his pov.

georgesdino · 23/02/2014 11:47

Yeah Ive got soon to be 3. I wouldnt go to the papers and would hope it wouldnt be someone foriegn and they go abroad, but if its someone from uk I will support all my children getting married young if they are sure.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/02/2014 11:57

No, it wasn't a joke, I'm not sure why you think that OP. I'm not saying I agree with the parents, I'm saying in their minds they probably see this opportunity for their daughter as a massive step up from the kind of life she can expect in the UK, as a poorly educated person with a lifetime of low paid jobs ahead of her.

georgesdino · 23/02/2014 12:00

I would be much more disapointed if my dc had a teen pregnancy as I would think I had failed them. I dont feel that way about them getting married if I was sure I had brought them up to be responsible.

TSSDNCOP · 23/02/2014 12:02

As opposed to being a poorly educated person in a country where you don't speak the language, with no job yourself, not yet married to a man who is a barman and yet to do National Service.

Lightbulb moment number 2 Hmm

Original poster
MamaPain · 23/02/2014 12:10

NoArmani, have you been to Turkey and if you have, to Marmaris?

A better life, I think the only thing that would be better in my eyes is the weather, although with her pale skin I'd not even see that as a benefit.

Maybe if she learned Turkish she could access employment. Turkish is notoriously hard to learn and this girl doesn't seem the studious type. I suppose she could work in the tourist areas but yes, yes, YES to everything TSSDNCOP said.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaPain · 23/02/2014 12:15

I would LOVE to see this as an mn thread:

AIBU to fly my 16 year old daughter to Turkey so she can have sex with a guy she barely knows and is 5 years her senior?

AIBU to help my 16 year old daughter give up all education and move abroad to be with a family I barely know?

AIBU to allow my 16 year old, naive, daughter to marry someone she barely knows, and who speaks a different language and lives abroad?

AIBU to do all of the above and sell this to the DM?

OP posts:
Caitlin17 · 23/02/2014 12:20

You can leave home, get a full passport and get married all without parents' consent in Scotland.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/02/2014 12:21

I have been to Turkey but not to Marmaris. All I'm saying is that I can see why 2 not very bright parents are encouraging their not very bright daughter to take this opportunity. I would have thought once married that she won't need to work outside of the home as they will have a home they own outright.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 23/02/2014 12:22

I bet they aren't encouraging her and the whole thing is just trumped up tosh tbh.

The Mirror link doesn't convince me otherwise either.

TSSDNCOP · 23/02/2014 12:26

NoArmani 1950 just called and said could it have your comment back.

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