... to think such knowledge is horrible (OW-themed)

[NeverTangleWithaTengu]

Two female friends of old, let's call them Dorian and Tracey. They are also close friends with each other.

Tracey is married, Dorian is single.
Dorian had a year-long affair with Tracey's husband. She told only me (AFAIK). Obviously, I always tried my best to encourage and support her to end it, and I asked her again and again whether she felt she/he should come clean with Tracey to give her an informed choice. Anyway, fast forward a year it is finally over (really, I think), and Tracey still knows nothing. I have been convinced by Dorian that it's really not in Tracey's best interests to know it happened.

I continue to feel horrible for Tracey, and to debate how right it can be for me to know this when she doesn't. But basically I think it is best not to interfere.

But my reasons for this post are basically selfish, because I myself feel I have lost two good friends through this. To my shame, my friendship with Tracey has become ever more distant, because I am a terrible liar/hider of things, so avoid seeing her. My friendship with Dorian (who I was closer to) has also suffered enormously; whilst I've tried my best to be non-judgmental and supportive, I can't seem to get away from thinking about what she did, with so little regard for Tracey.
I have to accept that these friendships can't be the same again, don't I?

I would have to tell Tracy,

I would perhaps bend the truth a little bit on how long you've known, ok its lying but you've been in a shit and unenviable situation,

I agree with an above poster that is she can do it to tracey , she can do it to you.

Good luck xx

Sorry to double post, I would approach the husband first.

You need to tell her. Its not fair to live a lie. (im just basing this on what id want of/c, some women are happy not knowing). It is tricky, but id worry about the husband continuously doing it and perhaps even leaving tracey after some time. I think its better to know now then live a lie. You have to think about whats best for her right now. But i cant imagine you will stay friends for very long when she realises that you didnt tell her sooner...

I'm not sure it's actually right to tell Tracey now. I think the time for that was a year ago.

Yes she deserves the right to be informed, and respected and make her own call. But equally perhaps it would spread misery in telling her, real misery for everyone - and what does that achieve in the long run? well, misery actually. If you're gauging your actions on their own merit now, I think it's hard to weigh this one. Is she happy in her relationship otherwise? any problems historically? if not then telling her may be the best thing for her but if not perhaps , and I know everyone will think I am terrible, but perhaps she would rather not know and it really can all repair itself without irreparable life destruction

You needed to tell her a year ago IMO. You've been put I n a bad situation but from day one you have (even if you don't think so) taken Dorians side. To have not told Tracy straight away you have massively betrayed her as a friend.

To say you didn't want to interfere is a cop out, you don't interfere with colleagues or strangers but not your friends. Sadly I think you've left it completely too late and I'd try to walk away from the friendship as you are betraying her as much as Tracey is. Sorry if it sounds harsh but I would be just as hurt by you, knowing you've ignored the issue for so long :(

The Sexual Health risk alone would be enough for me, you need too, it's not about want.

i can see the posters points who are saying ,this should have been done a year ago no point now.
Yes it should have done a year ago, but if he's capable of shagging her 'mate' its quite likely he's not that picky when it comes to infidelity and is sleeping with other women, that he after a successful shitting on own doorstep affair going completely under the radar, that he is now more confident other ones won't be discovered.
I think in telling her you might be saving her from catching something nasty, if not now than later.

I agree that the husband should tell her, if you have anyway of contacting him then maybe you should. You don't need to tell him you have known so long, no one will know you haven't just found out. He may just keep doing this over and over again with other women.

However if you don't feel you can do it that way then maybe you need to just walk away from the friendship. I personally would not consider someone a friend if they kept something like that from me. Its odd as I have always felt that in that situation I would be the most angry at DH for the affair, next angry with the friend who kept it from me and the least angry with an OW if I didn't know them, however if OW was my friend then it would be different of course but I reckon I would be equally as angry with a friend who kept it from me as a friend who had an affair with DH, it is both betrayal.

I don't think you sound like an awful person and I don't believe you did it to cover your own back either.

Her health and life should come before anything else. The posters who have said this are 100% right. What he is doing could kill her.

Thank you all for your posts.

I am absolutely in agreement that it's not up to me to make decisions about other people's lives. This is partly why I don't know if I should say anything, and have never known during this past year.

It's easy to think now that I should have told a year ago, and I have had many a sleepless night over this (I'm not saying poor me - obviously all sympathy should go to Tracey - but I'm saying that I've not just continued blindly through this). But a year ago, when I was first told anything was happening, Dorian was always on the verge of ending it, was totally distraught, lonely, guilty, unsupported. It was not (of course) presented as a one year affair at that point. Yes, Dorian's done some terrible things. But is she herself terrible, and unworthy of support? I honestly don't know whether it is always better to say anything about these things. Plenty of people who know more than me about it seem to think otherwise. Dorian - who is closer to Tracey than I am (yes, I know...) - has always presented it to me in a way that makes me think it would be much more damaging for Tracey to be told. I know she has an obvious potential agenda, but it's hard to argue against when she knows Tracey - and the relationship - better than I do.

At this stage, if I was confident it was best, I would tell Tracey. To be honest, I really want to, to ease my own conscience. I've lost her anyway, really.

To all of you lovely people who have not judged, many thanks

I think you made the wrong call a year ago, sorry. I agree with jam toast.

I don't know why you are so fond of Dorian...look even at the position she chose to put you in. Dorian is clearly bad news and I wouldnt see her again. It sound like Tracey is not a close friend of yours so much, so maybe winding down that relationship isn't noticeable.

Don't mean to sound harsh.