... to think such knowledge is horrible (OW-themed)

[NeverTangleWithaTengu]

Two female friends of old, let's call them Dorian and Tracey. They are also close friends with each other.

Tracey is married, Dorian is single.
Dorian had a year-long affair with Tracey's husband. She told only me (AFAIK). Obviously, I always tried my best to encourage and support her to end it, and I asked her again and again whether she felt she/he should come clean with Tracey to give her an informed choice. Anyway, fast forward a year it is finally over (really, I think), and Tracey still knows nothing. I have been convinced by Dorian that it's really not in Tracey's best interests to know it happened.

I continue to feel horrible for Tracey, and to debate how right it can be for me to know this when she doesn't. But basically I think it is best not to interfere.

But my reasons for this post are basically selfish, because I myself feel I have lost two good friends through this. To my shame, my friendship with Tracey has become ever more distant, because I am a terrible liar/hider of things, so avoid seeing her. My friendship with Dorian (who I was closer to) has also suffered enormously; whilst I've tried my best to be non-judgmental and supportive, I can't seem to get away from thinking about what she did, with so little regard for Tracey.
I have to accept that these friendships can't be the same again, don't I?

Thank you woo and always for being sympathetic. I feel pretty horrible about this and it's kind of you to be nice to me about it when I probably should have acted differently.

fideline, yes that's why I chose the names. But no, this is (unfortunately) not just mucking around.

I have known people (how do I attract them?!) who are fantacists and liars.

Did you tell anyone? Did you have any conversations with Tracy's dh? Did Tracy suspect anything?

Was there carefully placed 'evidence' of the affair, did you overhear phone calls, see texts from his 'other mobile', did Dorian beg you dramatically to say nothing, did she 'need' you when it wasn't convenient for you, are there things in her life she's not happy about lately, is she jealous of your friendship with Tracy?

I'm not doubting you. I don't mean to interrogate you. But there are trolls on the internet and in RL too, and Dorian raises my eyebrows. I don't suspect you, I'm not troll hunting! But her MO sounds familiar to me. If she's had an affair or not, she's shown herself to be disloyal and deceitful.

Sorry.

OTOH if she's for real, she's a bitch, avoid her at all costs. Rebuild your friendship with Tracy. I'm sorry you're in such a horrible position. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, go easy on yourself.

Oh i see, sorry, thought this was some undercover telly addict thread.

Of course Dorian doesn't want Tracey to know but not for Tracey's sake, for Dorian's!!

Do the right thing. Tell Tracey and accept that you may lose her as a friend but she might see how things were for you and accept you were in an impossible position. If you stay quiet you will definitely lose her as a friendship can't remain when one part is distancing themselves.

Thank you to everyone who's given advice - really appreciate it.

I don't know which to follow, though! I would tell Tracey and risk losing the friendship if I was really convinced it was right to do so.

You could tell Tracy's dh to come clean. She can either shoot him (if he deserves it) or he can approach Dorian. With some nice people in white coats.

The thing is, if you dont tell Tracey and she finds out the truth always comes out she will definitely want nothing to do with you.

Moon, I have to be honest I never really considered that it could be untrue. I'm pretty sure it is... but I suppose if she were actually lying I wouldn't know!

you're in a shitty situation, OP, and I feel sorry for you. I have been caught in the middle with friends many times (not quite like this, though). I think if it were me I would accept the fact that both friendships were probably history, and tell Tracy.

I repeat what I said earlier....if the tables were turned, what would YOU want a friend to do/say to YOU in those circs?

tell you, and risk all the pain and heartache that brings, be there to help you pick up the pieces?

Or turn a blind eye and pretend its nothing to do with them and hope you never find out?

Thank you Norwegian and Persimmon (and others - sorry if missed) for your understanding. It's very kind.

I think I'd approach the husband and let him know I'm aware of what a scumbag he is, and either he tells his wife or you will.

Foxes and Phantom (and others), I just don't know if it's right to say now, I really don't. But you're also right that I personally think I'd want to know.

OP

this comes from a person whos 'friend' did have an affair with my (stbex) husband- my friends knew & I hated them all for not telling me-no one wanted to 'interfere'. I dropped them all as they didnt have my back when I needed them the most.

Probably doesnt help alot but just coming from this side of the fence.

if you can't be friends with Tracey and you have lost respect for Dorian then tell Tracey - say you realise that she may not want to be friends with you due to it but you felt she should know . If you have no proof maybe weedle something out of Dorian via email (so bring it up in a email conversation so she at least acknowledges the affair) that you can show Tracey and then accept that both friendships are down the pan but you have done the right thing - what they do from there is up to them and eyes are open. I think this because you feel that Dorian is befriending Tracey to keep close to the husband.

Hmm, I don't know the husband very well, but perhaps the approach the husband route is the way to go...

You're going to lose tracy's friendship anyway when it all comes out in the wash, and it will.It's just a matter of time. t

kill, I'm so sorry to hear you went through that.

And thank you for your post.

Does it really always come out? Because if it does, then certainly I should say, I suppose. If it can just "disappear" and their marriage carry on as before (good, in her view), then it changes things...

Why would you not tell her? She is meant to be your friend and you know something that is hurting her.

Yes, I would minimise your knowledge to Tracy - say you have had your suspicions but would never have wanted to break up a marriage without evidence. Make sure she knows what an awful position you have been put in.

You haven't been Tracy's friend for a while. Don't worry about losing the friendship: you are acquaintances by proximity.

Toffee, the thing is that at the moment it is (apparently) not hurting her, and she has what she considers a great marriage and great life....

You don't think that's even worse? That she will think she has so called friends (you) who are almost laughing at her believing she is a fool while all of this is going on.