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AIBU?

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Original poster

... to think such knowledge is horrible (OW-themed)

86 replies

NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 20:44

Two female friends of old, let's call them Dorian and Tracey. They are also close friends with each other.

Tracey is married, Dorian is single.
Dorian had a year-long affair with Tracey's husband. She told only me (AFAIK). Obviously, I always tried my best to encourage and support her to end it, and I asked her again and again whether she felt she/he should come clean with Tracey to give her an informed choice. Anyway, fast forward a year it is finally over (really, I think), and Tracey still knows nothing. I have been convinced by Dorian that it's really not in Tracey's best interests to know it happened.

I continue to feel horrible for Tracey, and to debate how right it can be for me to know this when she doesn't. But basically I think it is best not to interfere.

But my reasons for this post are basically selfish, because I myself feel I have lost two good friends through this. To my shame, my friendship with Tracey has become ever more distant, because I am a terrible liar/hider of things, so avoid seeing her. My friendship with Dorian (who I was closer to) has also suffered enormously; whilst I've tried my best to be non-judgmental and supportive, I can't seem to get away from thinking about what she did, with so little regard for Tracey.
I have to accept that these friendships can't be the same again, don't I?

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 22/02/2014 21:33

Of course it is hurting her! He is fucking another woman when he should be at home. Her friend is treating her like she is someone she despises.

Are you the OW?

Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:34

No, I am most definitely not, Toffee! God, what a horrible thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:34

Teeb, maybe. Although I am certainly not laughing at her. Blimey.

OP posts:
HettiePetal · 22/02/2014 21:36

If I were Tracey I would want to know. Absolutely.

But be aware that you'll have to explain why you didn't tell her for a year and there's a big chance that you'll lose her as a friend.

I really don't mean that as a snark to you, promise.....I can see what a difficult position you were and are in.

But, bottom line, I think Tracey deserves to know she's married to a cheating shithead.

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 21:38

OP although you are not, I agree with TEEB,it was the first thing I said when I found out other knew & I didnt. To think that they watched me have my 'happy marriage' when infact they were very knowledgeable in the fact it was a pile of bull.

CSIJanner · 22/02/2014 21:39

The problem OP is what she considers a great marriage and great life are a sham if Dorian isn't a fantasist. I do think you need to talk to Tracey - she's probably wondering why you've distanced yourself already. You might lose one friendship or both - what you really need to ask is who is te better person and more deserving of your support?

It's a shit position to be placed in

BabstheChicken · 22/02/2014 21:42

The thing is OP, she doesn't have 'a great marriage and a great life', does she? Because it's all a false illusion, an illusion you are indirectly contributing to. I don't doubt that you're in a difficult position, but a lot of your posts seem to be concerned with covering your own arse, rather than any genuine desire to help Tracey ie: does the truth always come out? Because if it does that changes things

Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:43

kill, thank you again for your posts. I hope you don't mind my asking this, but are you glad you found out in your case? And is there any particular way you would have preferred this to have happened? Like, who you would have liked to be told by? Please don't answer if you don't want to.

Hettie, thanks for the advice and for not judging.

This is complicated by a conversation I had years ago with Tracey, in which she said she wouldn't want to know if her husband had an affair Confused. But she was 19 at the time...

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:46

Thanks CSI.

Babs, I am sad about the friendships, that is true. But the bit you quote is not about covering my own arse. I mean that if Tracey is going to have to suffer from this at some point anyway, then I might as well tell her now.

OP posts:
killpeppa · 22/02/2014 21:48

Never- your welcome. The OW told me, anyone but her. 2 months it had been going on, her ex knew, our friends knew, but for her to come into my house & sit down with a cuppa & tell me was rock bottom.

Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:49

In retrospect, my loyalties should probably have shifted entirely to Tracey on day 1.
But it was Dorian on the phone in distress, Dorian who said she wanted to end it but didn't have the strength because she didn't have anywhere to turn to for support apart from him (so I thought, perhaps naively, "well, I can provide the support for her to end it, then this also will help Tracey". Sounds stupid written down, I know).

OP posts:
BabstheChicken · 22/02/2014 21:49

I can see where you're coming from OP. But I think you are trying to draw a line between Tracey having a 'good life' (not knowing) and a 'bad life' (knowing about the affair). Whilst I think this is something many people try to do in your position, personally I couldn't because you know that in reality, her life is not good regardless of whether or not she knows about the affair.

Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:52

kill, that sounds truly awful. I'm sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:54

Yes, Babs, I can see that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:56

I see posts so often where people advocate not opening a can of worms by telling when something's finished, and where people say that affairs can actually make a person realise how good their marriage is, etc..
Perhaps I use these as excuses not to get involved, I don't know.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverTangleWithaTengu · 22/02/2014 21:57

Anyway, thank you all for taking the time to reply about this. Thanks

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 22/02/2014 21:57

I have been struggling to grasp how Tracey didnt know her DH was having an affair. I dont mean to sound harsh but how on God's earth could she possibly not pick up a single vibe from him over a year? I know these things happen but if she supposedly had a good marriage, when did he get the opportunity to DTD and get back in time for dinner. Or was he making lots of dodgy excuses Hmm

Nevertangle i definitely wouldnt be harsh on yourself, but I would be brave and arrange to meet Tracey on neutral territory and give her the basics of how you know. If you are sincere and honest about feeling caught in the middle, at the very least she will accept your explanation and not be too upset with you.

daisychain01 · 22/02/2014 21:59

Just read your latest post, and it sounded even shittier for you than I thought Flowers

KinderBoris · 22/02/2014 22:00

Ok...

Horrible position for you and for Tracey but whatever has happened, it is over. If you think they have ended things permanently and drawn a line under it then I think you should do the same. Perhaps they have both realised they were making a mistake and will start to rebuild their own relationships. Make it clear to them that if they start if up again, you will have to tell but in your position now I would let sleeping dogs lie. Do you think Tracey would leave if she found out?

BabstheChicken · 22/02/2014 22:00

Well as you can see that, I'm trying to understand what circumstances are needed for you to decide telling Tracey is the right thing to do. Tracey being deceived? Tracey finding out about the affair, and consequently your unwillingness to tell her yourself?

In your position, I think everyone would like a 'perfect' time to arise to reveal this knowledge in a way that would not make their friend think they were deceitful (rightly or wrongly). As that's unlikely to happen, I think maybe you need to decide what your motivations for telling Tracey are, and only you can decide that, not a bunch of strangers on the internet. And I think understanding your motivations would help you decide whether to tell Tracey, how to tell her, and how you'd feel about/deal with any ensuing fallout.

littlemisssarcastic · 22/02/2014 22:04

This is why, in situations where people are behaving in ways that if uncovered would cause immense pain those who are privy to that information cannot sit on the fence by keeping quiet. It's just not possible imo.

By keeping quiet to protect your friend who has been having the affair, you have put your married friends interests at the bottom of the pile.
You have protected your friend who has been shitty at the expense of your friendship with them both and probably Tracey's marriage too.
To do that, it must have seemed hugely important to you to protect your friend. Hmm

RonaldMcDonald · 22/02/2014 22:14

my v close friend had an affair with her friend's husband for about a year around 10 yrs ago
it was very hot and heavy and utterly dreadful for everyone around and about who were casualties by knowledge

the wife has never found out and she and her h still seem v happy

the idea that people always find out isn't always true

WhizzFucker · 22/02/2014 22:19

If you don't say anything and drift away from both of them, then what?

You've said they are both friends and D isn't over T's husband - can you imagine D and T's friendship carrying on, getting closer even in a totally poisonous way for T? D spending lots of time at T's house, staying involved in their lives, knowing looks or drunken lapses with her husband even years down the line.

Do the right thing by your real friend and tell her the truth. She may forgive you at some point once the fallout is over but even if she doesn't you will have done the right thing by her.

Maybe you could write her a letter so when she is calmer / getting over it she'll be able to think about your reasons. It sounds to me like you weren't being a coward or selfish or laughing at her this last year - you did what you thought was best and now that you've realised you were wrong you are going to do your best to make up for it.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/02/2014 08:19

To add to what Babs has sensibly said it isn't up to you to decide her life and by keeping this from her you are deciding if her life should be good or bad in your opinion. Unintentionally no doubt.

DoJo · 23/02/2014 09:28

The thing it, you know about this affair because it was with a friend of yours. What's to say that he hasn't done this before or will do this again with someone who won't confide in you? This all means that he is getting his end away with at least one other person, which puts his wife's sexual health at risk.
I ALWAYS say this in cases of affairs and infidelity - whatever the moral arguments for telling/not telling someone, the fact that someone could be exposed to the risk of everything from discomfort to infertility and even death by having unprotected sex with someone who is sleeping with someone else overrides everything else for me. I would tell, I would do it without any qualms and I would feel perfectly happy with my decision to do so for this reason alone.

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