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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that he should stick to our arangement ?!

16 replies

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 20:09

My stbEX & I separated last October, due to his shift work I have always been very flexible about when he takes the kids, it wasn't a clean break but I have tried to be fair in every aspect involving my 2DS.

The problem is he REFUSES to have them on a saturday night, if he is off on sunday, our arrangement is that if he is off on a single day, he picks up the kids the night before & if he is off two in a row he picks them up in the morning.

when I asked him his reasons he told me it was because 'I probably would go out with friends'- this was a very controlling and abusive relationship (not physically I hasten to add), but it now feels like he is pulling the strings from a distance.
I'm not a party animal but a saturday night every so often with my best friend in a nice bar isnt too much to ask, is it?
Aibu to think he cant just have one rule for one day of the week & a different rule for the rest?!

OP posts:

MerryInthechelseahotel · 22/02/2014 20:12

Do you have anyone else, family or friend, who can babysit for you then you can put two fingers up to him!

Fairylea · 22/02/2014 20:17

I would tell him (regardless of being true or not) that whatever night he has them next that you went out then... He does realise Saturday isn't the only day people can go out doesn't he? My ex used to do similar things to me. He is being an arse.

Original poster

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 20:17

my parents are fab, but I dont like asking as they have their own things going on, I got married and had kids young so they are only late 40's. I feel like they shouldnt have to pick up the pieces that he has dropped

OP posts:

Mitzi50 · 22/02/2014 20:18

YANBU He is being controlling - my ex never had the children at the weekend because he wanted to enjoy time with new partner. If he knew I was going out, he would agree to have children and then cancel at the last minute.

SoldAtAuction · 22/02/2014 20:18

This is what babysitters are for.
Fuck him, he isn't making choices for you any more, you decided what happens on your watch.

Finola1step · 22/02/2014 20:18

I would get someone to sit with the kids one Saturday night, even if it is just once. To show yourself that you choose if you go out, not him. He does not get to choose. Yes, he is making it awkward but, he does not get to make the choice over your Saturday night.

Stripyhoglets · 22/02/2014 20:20

Yes he is being a twat, but if you rely on him to be able to go out he will use it to control you further. Sort out an occasional babysitter and stuff him, live your life free of his control.

FryOneFatManic · 22/02/2014 20:26

killpeppa asking parents for some very occasional babysitting isn't expecting them to pick up his pieces.

And if you can get a babysitter who's been recommended by someone else, that would also be handy, although yes, you'd have to pay.

But for the odd night out, to prove it's not up to him to dictate your life, that would be good.

Original poster

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 20:28

How I married such a twat is beyond me...

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/02/2014 20:31

Do it then not only do you get to tell him you went out but also about the bloke who chatted you up!

I'm sure your parents would be happy to babysit on the occasional time?

Original poster

killpeppa · 22/02/2014 20:37

I would love to rub it in his face the occasions I do go out (parents have the boys) BUT...

I get far more satisfaction in saying I was 'just out' & not giving any details- makes him sweat & pisses him off.

I do have an evil streak deep down

OP posts:

JeanSeberg · 22/02/2014 20:39

Good work kill. [kill]

Goldmandra · 22/02/2014 20:41

Tell him that you're going out and the DCs will be away overnight at a friend's house so he'll have to miss his contact that week unless he'd like to have them overnight himself.

JeanSeberg · 22/02/2014 20:44

sorry!

macdoodle · 22/02/2014 21:24

My XH used to do this ALL the time, he would only agree to have the DC when he knew I was working. Eventually I stopped letting him have any control over me and developed a network of friends and a lovely reliable babysitter. Now I dont need him for anything, and have very little to do with him.
Sadly my DD's have wised up to him as well, so their relationship with him has suffered as well. He has lost out terribly, they want very little to do with him.
Dont ever ever rely on him for anything. Its a wonderful feeling.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 22/02/2014 22:08

YANBU he's being a controlling arse. But if he's anything like my ex, the more you argue the more he'll refuse. I posted a thread the last couple of days about my twat of an ex and the best advice I was give was 'don't give him anything to push against.'

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