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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be friends with these people again

125 replies

Slh122 · 22/02/2014 08:01

Sorry this is probably going to be long!
I fell pregnant in May, just as I finished my A-Levels. I was 18, now 19. I decided to continue with the pregnancy.
In July I went on a girls holiday with a group of my best mates that had been booked since the beginning of the year. I was 12 weeks pregnant, knackered and had horrendous morning sickness but I just wanted to go relax for a week. They all went clubbing, etc on a night. I was exhausted so went back to the hotel room after dinner most nights which wasn't a problem. I didn't expect anyone to go with me, I just went and read my books and slept which was fine by me and I really enjoyed it. Things started to change on the holiday though - people were hardly speaking to me when I made conversation with them and they were ignoring me and leaving me out of conversation on a night during meals. On a couple of mornings when I had particularly bad sickness, one of the girls had a go at me for waking her up by being sick
One afternoon I felt really light headed from being in the heat so went up to the room for a lie down. That night when they thought I was asleep I heard this girl saying to the others how pathetic I was being in regards to 'always being sick and needing to lie down' and that if I carried on being 'pathetic' she was going to hit me. No one stood up for me, I could hear them all agreeing saying how I needed to 'get a grip because I wasn't even that pregnant yet'.
In the airport on the way back home I asked if someone could help me lift my suitcase onto the conveyor belt and I was told to 'stop being pathetic' and I was 'pregnant not disabled'.
after the holiday me and DP moved about 40 minutes away because he got a much better paid job. I kept asking my friends if they'd like to meet up, etc, but no one ever replied. I texted them all on results day to see how people had done, again no one replied. At the end of the summer they all had a get together that I wasn't invited to and on this night I received a text from the 'ringleader' of the group (who had threatened to hit me on holiday, etc) saying that they'd all decided that they had nothing in common with me anymore so could no longer be friends with me. Fair enough, we were going different directions in our lives and I needed to concentrate on my pregnancy and couldn't be bothered with bitchy girls.
Everyone went off to uni, I was working full time and just got on with my life. I never heard from them again.
DS was born a month ago and after he was born all these girls got in touch. I'd long since deleted them off Facebook and they messaged me asking why I'd deleted them, they'd love to meet up and see the baby, if I needed anything I knew where they were.
None of them apologised, and I ignored them all.
Last week in the post I received an apology letter from one of the girls saying she was sorry and that she should have stuck up for me in the summer, and basically that they'd all decided that I was making the wrong decision by keeping my baby so they'd decided not to be friends with me anymore. However, she said she could now see how wrong that was and she hoped we could be friends again.
I really don't want to be friends with these people after the way I was treated, and I'm more than happy just to forget about it all and not speak to them. My life hasn't been ruined in any way, shape or form - I have a beautiful baby, my partner has a good job so the bills are always paid, there's always food on the table and we have money for nice treats, and I have a university place in September. However my mum says that as they took the time to write me messages after DS was born, I should forgive them. The rest of the girls keep messaging me on Facebook asking when they can meet DS. I have no interest in seeing any of them ever again. AIBU not to want to be friends with them and just to ignore them?

OP posts:

Supercosy · 22/02/2014 13:59

You sound brilliant by the way. Many congratulations on your DS and I'm so happy that things are looking good for your family. I think, in your shoes, I would drop most of them but respond to the girl who wrote you the letter if you like. Was she someone that you got along with very well before? Even with her though I would be sort of a bit cool. I'd respond to her letter thanking her for her apology and saying you'd be happy to meet up for a coffee or whatever if she's about but not plan anything specific.

My god, they are going to feel bad about their behaviour if they are pregnant in the future!

Fancynancypants1 · 22/02/2014 14:01

I think you should trust your own judgement on this one. You will make new friends at university. That, in itself, will be a challenge, managing uni, self- study, a baby, partner and housework to look after. I went back to college when my daughter turned two then went to uni. You really need to be determined to succeed as things such as mother-guilt, stress or others lack of support or demands can get in the way.

I think you are making the right choice to end the friendship completely with these girls. Their behaviour was harmful to you and judgemental. They probably want to meet up then continue their malicious gossip behibd your back. I'd not even acknowledge them and just block tgem on FB.

Go to uni, look after ur baby and partner and be the success story that these old friends know you are. Good luck OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/02/2014 14:02

Nasty cliky group op, we have decided we don't want to be your friend etc, are they not individuals . They don't sound very intelligent really.

sexypantsformum · 22/02/2014 14:24

Stear clear. They made their choice already. They dumped you at a very vulnerable time. That's not friendship.

spidey66 · 22/02/2014 14:26

I can understand why you're hurt, but it seems the one who wrote to you has grown up and matured enough to realise she was wrong and apologise. Would it be possible to get back in contact with her but not the others?

Original poster

Slh122 · 22/02/2014 14:38

Yes the one who wrote me the letter was my so-called 'best friend'. We'd been friends since we were 3 and met at playgroup.
I've sent her an email to say that I appreciate the letter and that I was very hurt by what went on in the summer, however I didn't want to bear grudges. I've also mentioned that if she wants to meet up, she's perfectly welcome to come to where I live.
As for the rest of them, I really have no interest in speaking to them as I think a lot of posters are spot on now I come to think of it - they want to be 'in' on a special time in someone else's life, and cuddles with a newborn, and after that they'll probably go away and gossip about me some more. Not happening.

OP posts:

scarletforya · 22/02/2014 15:33

Good decision Op.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/02/2014 16:24

That's good op, I think tge others want a good old gossip, and will be really fake round you, and gossip behind your back

NadiaWadia · 22/02/2014 16:33

I think you did the right thing OP. Apart from maybe the one who wrote the letter (and I'd keep that low key and be wary) I agree you shouldn't bother with the others again.

I don't agree with those saying you should forgive them because they were only 18 and immature. My DD is a similar age to you and has lots of friends who are all lovely they would NEVER have done anything like that at 18, or even at 16. Your ex-friends were showing you who they really were and they are obviously not worth bothering with.

You were unfortunate with your 'friends' last year - try to forget about them. But now you are in the great position of being able to make some genuine new friends either through uni or through your baby DS. You are so lucky! I wish you lots of happiness in the future.

maddening · 22/02/2014 16:39

Well they sound like a bunch of spineless childish pricks - you are well rid!

bodybooboo · 22/02/2014 16:52

you sound fantastic. they sound vile, move on and ignore them.

none if my kids would have behaved like that at 8/18 or any age. they should be ashamed of themselves while your mum should be very very proud of you.

WeAreDetective · 22/02/2014 19:24

That sounds like a good decision.

brettgirl2 · 22/02/2014 19:31

Yes quite put the ball (and journey, therefore effort) into her court, move on from the others.

The very fact they have not twigged why you deleted them from Facebook

RandomMess · 22/02/2014 19:31

Does sound like a good decision to me

Strawberryfieldsforever1 · 22/02/2014 19:36

You really do deserve much better friends, don't give them another thought. In years to come as these girls grow up and have babies of their own they will cringe at the way they treated you. Maybe some of them will learn from this.

stayanotherday · 22/02/2014 19:40

You sound far more mature and lovely op. You've handled this well.

Biscuitsneeded · 22/02/2014 20:00

Is it possible the letter-writer doesn't even mean she actually wants to rekindle the friendship, or come and see the baby? She might just be feeling really awful about how she behaved and be seeking some sort of absolution. OP I think you've done the right thing - not because you owe anyone or you should anything, but because people make mistakes and this ex-friend has been big enough to admit it. You don't have to be friends with her - in reality your lives are going very different ways anyway - but it doesn't hurt to acknowledge her apology, tell her how hurt you were, but allow her to know that you're OK and happy. For both of your sakes.

Hogwash · 22/02/2014 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShabbyChic8 · 22/02/2014 20:35

How awful for you. Their behaviour was incredibly immature and judgemental. In my opinion you can do without people like that in your life. However, if you feel you would like to see them and pursue friendships then you should but make sure you explain how you were made to feel and keep things on your terms. You may feel like you would be happy never to lay eyes on them again and that's ok too.

Chottie · 22/02/2014 20:38

I would not contact them either. Leave them behind and get on with enjoying your life and your new baby. Congratulations :)

TinyTwoTears · 22/02/2014 20:54

It sounds like you have outgrown your friends. They behaved very immaturely and obviously have no concept of what it's like to be pregnant.
I remember once thinking to myself that my friend was pregnant not ill. Oh my goodness, that certainly came back to haunt me! However at the time I didn't cut her off or gang up on her.
That kind of behaviour belongs in the playground (and even in the playground it's rubbish) and you are well shot if them.

expatinscotland · 22/02/2014 20:55

Cut them loose. Enjoy your wonderful new life.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 22/02/2014 21:01

congratulations on your baby and no, I would definitely not bother with arseholes like these. That 'ganging up' sounds really immature even for an 18-year-old.

morethanpotatoprints · 22/02/2014 21:12

OP, my dd has a best friend from nursery they are 10. Neither of them would do anything to upset the other, let alone hurt them.
It is a shame your best friend turned out like this, you have done the right thing in just ignoring the others. Maybe your friend will move mountains to make it up to you.
Anyway, whatever happens you deserve better. Your mum should be very proud of you, and of course congratulations mummy x

Lambzig · 22/02/2014 21:25

Sih, for the second time tonight I find myself posting that I wish I had had an atom of the OP's common sense at their age.

I think you have handled this perfectly, ignoring most and putting the ball firmly back in the court of your ex-best friend. Congrats on your DS and your university place.

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