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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be friends with these people again

125 replies

Slh122 · 22/02/2014 08:01

Sorry this is probably going to be long!
I fell pregnant in May, just as I finished my A-Levels. I was 18, now 19. I decided to continue with the pregnancy.
In July I went on a girls holiday with a group of my best mates that had been booked since the beginning of the year. I was 12 weeks pregnant, knackered and had horrendous morning sickness but I just wanted to go relax for a week. They all went clubbing, etc on a night. I was exhausted so went back to the hotel room after dinner most nights which wasn't a problem. I didn't expect anyone to go with me, I just went and read my books and slept which was fine by me and I really enjoyed it. Things started to change on the holiday though - people were hardly speaking to me when I made conversation with them and they were ignoring me and leaving me out of conversation on a night during meals. On a couple of mornings when I had particularly bad sickness, one of the girls had a go at me for waking her up by being sick
One afternoon I felt really light headed from being in the heat so went up to the room for a lie down. That night when they thought I was asleep I heard this girl saying to the others how pathetic I was being in regards to 'always being sick and needing to lie down' and that if I carried on being 'pathetic' she was going to hit me. No one stood up for me, I could hear them all agreeing saying how I needed to 'get a grip because I wasn't even that pregnant yet'.
In the airport on the way back home I asked if someone could help me lift my suitcase onto the conveyor belt and I was told to 'stop being pathetic' and I was 'pregnant not disabled'.
after the holiday me and DP moved about 40 minutes away because he got a much better paid job. I kept asking my friends if they'd like to meet up, etc, but no one ever replied. I texted them all on results day to see how people had done, again no one replied. At the end of the summer they all had a get together that I wasn't invited to and on this night I received a text from the 'ringleader' of the group (who had threatened to hit me on holiday, etc) saying that they'd all decided that they had nothing in common with me anymore so could no longer be friends with me. Fair enough, we were going different directions in our lives and I needed to concentrate on my pregnancy and couldn't be bothered with bitchy girls.
Everyone went off to uni, I was working full time and just got on with my life. I never heard from them again.
DS was born a month ago and after he was born all these girls got in touch. I'd long since deleted them off Facebook and they messaged me asking why I'd deleted them, they'd love to meet up and see the baby, if I needed anything I knew where they were.
None of them apologised, and I ignored them all.
Last week in the post I received an apology letter from one of the girls saying she was sorry and that she should have stuck up for me in the summer, and basically that they'd all decided that I was making the wrong decision by keeping my baby so they'd decided not to be friends with me anymore. However, she said she could now see how wrong that was and she hoped we could be friends again.
I really don't want to be friends with these people after the way I was treated, and I'm more than happy just to forget about it all and not speak to them. My life hasn't been ruined in any way, shape or form - I have a beautiful baby, my partner has a good job so the bills are always paid, there's always food on the table and we have money for nice treats, and I have a university place in September. However my mum says that as they took the time to write me messages after DS was born, I should forgive them. The rest of the girls keep messaging me on Facebook asking when they can meet DS. I have no interest in seeing any of them ever again. AIBU not to want to be friends with them and just to ignore them?

OP posts:

redexpat · 22/02/2014 09:14

I would write back saying that you forgive her and bear her no ill but that you have moved on now and feel that you have reached a new stage of your life.

This works. She gets forgivness, you don't have to see her again. Win-win!

SwayingBranches · 22/02/2014 09:15

You can only forgive people who ask for it and accept they're wrong, just getting in touch means they want to feel better but not reflect on the fact they were in the wrong and take responsibility.

The one who did apologise you could forgive, but that puts you under no obligation to be friends.

SavoyCabbage · 22/02/2014 09:16

Yes, and you get an end. Or closure as they say on tv.

WeAreEternal · 22/02/2014 09:17

I would email the girls back on Facebook and say thank you for the well wishes but we just don't have anything in common anymore so I'm not interested in pursuing a friendship with you but I wish you well with your life.

The girl that wrote the letter really deserves a bit more, she obviously cares enough to feel guilty about the way the treated you, so I would write her a nicer email just thanking her for her letter and explain that you hold no resentment but you have moved on and you don't think you would have anything in common anymore, wish her well and then say goodbye.

You absolutely do not need friends like that in your life, it sounds like they did you a huge favour!

Whatisaweekend · 22/02/2014 09:19

I would ignore the ones who are sending Facebook messages (I mean, how long does that take? 5 seconds? Not really much of an effort, is it?).

However, I think I would reply to the one who took the trouble to write as she did face up to her disgraceful behaviour, admit she was wrong and apologise. Another poster upthread did suggest that she was now finding that she was the group punch bag which I suspect might be right but at least she has made a proper effort.

I would thank her for her apology which you really appreciate as the whole group were such a bunch of spiteful bitches treated you badly and it really affected you for quite a while. Given their behaviour, you have no interest in being friends again but you bear them no ill will and wish them all the best for the future.

Congratulations on how life is panning out for you - it sounds like you have a lovely little family and good luck at uni!

Oldraver · 22/02/2014 09:20

I would say move on with your life...if they have shit on you once they will do it again. True friends will stay with you even when they dont agree or understand your life choices.

RandomMess · 22/02/2014 09:21

Completely up to you. Personally I would consider inviting the one who wrote to you, now I am much much older I know I have missed out not keeping in touch with my teenage hood friends. This one is clearly more mature than the rest.

Beyond that I'd get on with your life and concentrate on building new friendships where you live.

SarahBumBarer · 22/02/2014 09:26

I would not think you were at all unreasonable if you totally ignored them. However I had something similar when I was young - the circumstances were not quite so bad as yours as I was not in such a vulnerable position. When my friend got back in touch I ignored her. It has been many many years now and I can see now that she was dealing with some problems of her own at the time which caused her to act out and basically take it out on me. I used to see comments from her on FB some times through mutual friends and I think that actually we could have been friends again had I found just a little forgiveness - it would not have all come at once but maybe slow and steady and I wish I had. I don't think about it a lot but your story reminded me and if I could do it again, I would do it differently.

Foodylicious · 22/02/2014 09:28

I would send the one who wrote to you a letter/quick note thanking her for her apology and wishing her the best for the future.
I would not acknowledge the holiday or the other girls in the letter.
Block the others on fb so you don't have to give them another thought.

Good luck and congratulations on your little one :-)

WeGotAnnie · 22/02/2014 09:33

Congratulations. Dont respond, dont engage, Move on. You have a whole new life to look forward to, and in time will find other, kinder friends than this pack of snakes. Good luck x

honeybunny14 · 22/02/2014 09:33

Yanbu you are better off having nothing to do with them they sould horrible.

haveyourselfashandy · 22/02/2014 09:39

I would reply to that letter and calmly explain why you don't want to be friends again.That your life has moved on and you don't need all the negativity anymore.You were treated appallingly by these "friends",just be careful,even with the one who sent the letter.Don't get sucked into it again.

Joysmum · 22/02/2014 09:48

I'd only reply if it gives you some closure. If not, ignore and continue to enjoy your life in which they aren't relevant. Being bitter and holding on to hate and malice only hurts you, you won't be important enough to them for it to affect them in any way, shape or form.

sebsmummy1 · 22/02/2014 09:48

I have to say that no way in hell would I want to see these girls as a group again. However if there were one or two within the group that you feel you had a close friendship with then I think it might be nice to perhaps keep then as friends.

If however you think they operate as a clique and if you invited one over they would merely use her to get info on you and potentially start bitching about you again then leave well alone. Either write a polite message but perhaps the best thing is to ignore entirely.

Mia4 · 22/02/2014 09:57

I remember your post from before op and im really glad hoe much better things have become, to me that really says it all: you've moved on, put the past behind you where it belongs and leave them to it

I would ignore the fb messages, from all of them at the same time suggests a group decision and I expect a.lot of those girls are still sheep and would turn on you if the leader said so. You don't need thqt drama.

I would respond to the letter and out what others have said: thank you for apologising, I wish you well etc and I would.mention how let down you felt by them and your upset hearing that they wanted to hurt you qnd your baby.

Your mum is being far too much of a mug if she wants friendship for you though. Forgiveness yes if you want to hut friendship...? Your a strong confident woman, friendship with people.like this and so much sour history had the.big potential to drag you down and try to make you a doormat.

What does your dp think? If I was in his shoes I'd be fuming at them or want them far away.

HandMini · 22/02/2014 10:04

Definitely leave them behind you. Write a letter if you want to, but the message should be "thanks but no thanks and best wishes for your life". For someone only 19 years old, you sound very mature, sensible and grounded and as if you've handled a difficult situation well, and with dignity. I'd be proud of yourself if I were you.

LilyBlossom14 · 22/02/2014 10:04

I think the girl who wrote is genuinely sorry, as for the others not sure. I would wait a few days and sleep on it, and then see how you feel. You are not likely to be close friends with any of them any more. I would prob block the not nice ones so they can't even message you on FB.

BlackDaisies · 22/02/2014 10:08

I agree with the general consensus not to invite these girls back into your life. Block the fb friends, or send a polite group message to say thanks for the good wishes but that after everything that happened you don't feel able to be friends again. Write to the one who sent you a letter saying thanks for the apology, but that it took you a long time to get over the hurt they caused. Now your life has moved on you don't wish to go back, but that you wish her well in her life.
I can't help feeling that people who can be so cruel would never lose that side of them underneath which would make me want to forget any thoughts of a friendship. You never know how they might react if you were ever in a difficult position again.

xtremeraverbaby · 22/02/2014 10:10

fuck them seriously keep those immature brats away from your bsby. it doesnt even soumd like they're bothered about you all they want is to see a cute baby...dont be used

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/02/2014 10:10

I think I'd write back to the apologiser, but not necessarily see her. As for the others, I'd be inclined to return the "we have nothing in common" text message.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 22/02/2014 10:29

'You owe it to the one who wrote to you to...'

'Perhaps they deserve a second chance...'

'You should...

I often see it bemoaned on here that one of the ways on which women get to be their own worst enemies is to go through life feeling some vague sense of guilt and indebtedness to other people. That they should do this or that for them, should forgive, should put their own feelings aside.

It's deeply ingrained sexism. Never simply please yourselves, ladies- always check that there's not someone else you could defer to instead.

Here's a brilliant example of it. I absolutely salute you, OP, on not feeling like this. This group of people treated you badly. Do they sound as if they'd be worth the effort of rekindling friendship? Bring joy to your life? No. Have you moved on? Yes. Are you currently happy? Yes. So, the best outcome for YOU would be to say thanks but no thanks. Smile, be polite and shrug your shoulders and say, sorry- I don't want to go backwards just in order for you guys to have things the way you want. I intend to have things in my life the way I want.

But here you have a significant proportion of (presumably mainly) women and your own mother working their hardest to get you to, for some unknown reason put yourself out to make the outcome of this situation suit the bullies better than it suits you. 'Weeeeell you should get in touch at least with this one...'

No you shouldn't. Because you don't want to. Your instinct here is a GREAT one, OP. 'No, that isn't what I want - it's what they want me to do, but I'm putting MYSELF first.'

If more women had the foresight and courage of their convictions to calmly go along with that, there'd be fewer threads on here written by guilty, harassed, doormatted, used and abused women having shitty shitty lives.

You've got the right idea OP.

Sprink · 22/02/2014 10:49

but then what would you do with your Saturday mornings, Bruno?

YellowDinosaur · 22/02/2014 10:57

Hear hear Bruno

This op, with bells on.

HandMini · 22/02/2014 11:04

. So true, a good perspective.

AlpacaLypse · 22/02/2014 11:04

Another vote for replying to the letter. Having said, I remember one of us in our friendship group at that age had a baby, and although no-one was vile to her in the way you had to endure on that holiday, we found that our interests and priorities and hers were now so completely different that the friendship fizzled away.

Also everyone tends to make new friends when they move on from sixth form to university anyway.

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