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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be friends with these people again

125 replies

Slh122 · 22/02/2014 08:01

Sorry this is probably going to be long!
I fell pregnant in May, just as I finished my A-Levels. I was 18, now 19. I decided to continue with the pregnancy.
In July I went on a girls holiday with a group of my best mates that had been booked since the beginning of the year. I was 12 weeks pregnant, knackered and had horrendous morning sickness but I just wanted to go relax for a week. They all went clubbing, etc on a night. I was exhausted so went back to the hotel room after dinner most nights which wasn't a problem. I didn't expect anyone to go with me, I just went and read my books and slept which was fine by me and I really enjoyed it. Things started to change on the holiday though - people were hardly speaking to me when I made conversation with them and they were ignoring me and leaving me out of conversation on a night during meals. On a couple of mornings when I had particularly bad sickness, one of the girls had a go at me for waking her up by being sick Hmm
One afternoon I felt really light headed from being in the heat so went up to the room for a lie down. That night when they thought I was asleep I heard this girl saying to the others how pathetic I was being in regards to 'always being sick and needing to lie down' and that if I carried on being 'pathetic' she was going to hit me. No one stood up for me, I could hear them all agreeing saying how I needed to 'get a grip because I wasn't even that pregnant yet'.
In the airport on the way back home I asked if someone could help me lift my suitcase onto the conveyor belt and I was told to 'stop being pathetic' and I was 'pregnant not disabled'.
after the holiday me and DP moved about 40 minutes away because he got a much better paid job. I kept asking my friends if they'd like to meet up, etc, but no one ever replied. I texted them all on results day to see how people had done, again no one replied. At the end of the summer they all had a get together that I wasn't invited to and on this night I received a text from the 'ringleader' of the group (who had threatened to hit me on holiday, etc) saying that they'd all decided that they had nothing in common with me anymore so could no longer be friends with me. Fair enough, we were going different directions in our lives and I needed to concentrate on my pregnancy and couldn't be bothered with bitchy girls.
Everyone went off to uni, I was working full time and just got on with my life. I never heard from them again.
DS was born a month ago and after he was born all these girls got in touch. I'd long since deleted them off Facebook and they messaged me asking why I'd deleted them, they'd love to meet up and see the baby, if I needed anything I knew where they were. Hmm
None of them apologised, and I ignored them all.
Last week in the post I received an apology letter from one of the girls saying she was sorry and that she should have stuck up for me in the summer, and basically that they'd all decided that I was making the wrong decision by keeping my baby so they'd decided not to be friends with me anymore. However, she said she could now see how wrong that was and she hoped we could be friends again.
I really don't want to be friends with these people after the way I was treated, and I'm more than happy just to forget about it all and not speak to them. My life hasn't been ruined in any way, shape or form - I have a beautiful baby, my partner has a good job so the bills are always paid, there's always food on the table and we have money for nice treats, and I have a university place in September. However my mum says that as they took the time to write me messages after DS was born, I should forgive them. The rest of the girls keep messaging me on Facebook asking when they can meet DS. I have no interest in seeing any of them ever again. AIBU not to want to be friends with them and just to ignore them?

OP posts:
LettertoHermioneGranger · 22/02/2014 08:25

I'm very sorry you went through all that. Young women can be incredibly vicious, cliquey, and lacking in empathy sometimes.

I think you're better off without them and should stay well away from their drama - theyve moved on from your pregnancy, but they will find something else to gang up on you or another girl about, or someone else to ostracize. Sounds like now they all like the idea of a wee babe to coo over, I would think more than any desire to really offer any help. IME, girls like this don't really change.

That said, I would consider forgiving the one girl who did take the time to write you an apology letter, rather than a fb message. If you feel she's sincere, it may be worth continuing contact with this one girl - maybe not so far as friends, but willing to keep in touch. It is easy to be caught up in the bitchy group dynamic when the alternative is being excluded, it doesn't excuse it, but she may sincerely regret her behavior and understand how wrong it was.

MostlyMama · 22/02/2014 08:26

WTF! Who threatens to hit a pregnant woman. YANBU and well shot. Don't give them the time of day. Concentrate on your lovely DS. Congrats x

Timetoask · 22/02/2014 08:26

In your position, I would "forgive" the girl that wrote the apology letter, people don't write letters these days! So in my opinion it shows that she sincerely feels sorry.

You may be a mature 19 year old, but in all honesty, most 18/19 are still young and immature, they have no idea how it feels to be pregnant, they are still teenagers!

intheround · 22/02/2014 08:28

You are viewing them as a group but they aren't . What they did was wrong but they are individuals and one has apologise. It can't have been easy for her to do that and i think you should accept her apology and at least meet up with her one time.

GossamerHailfilter · 22/02/2014 08:28

Have you posted this before?

justtoomessy · 22/02/2014 08:29

Congratulations on your baby DS. What a vile way to behave towards you! I expect they felt uncomfortable on holiday with the ringleader calling the shots but that really is no excuse. They are/were very young and probably felt you were snubbing them by going to bed every night....again thats due to immaturity and not understanding a damn thing about pregnancy!

I would write back to the one that wrote to you in the most pleasant way you can and state how horrible it was for you to be treated like that and also how bad that letter made you feel. I think they need to know that as even if it doesn't sink in now it will at some point.

I am glad you've made friends and really chuffed you have a place at uni. You will so many more friends there so I really wouldn't waste time on these ones. I'd forgive them their ignorance, stupidity and need to follow a nasty bitch though.

Good luck

Original poster
Slh122 · 22/02/2014 08:29

Yes Gossamer I posted on mumsnet the night I received the text from the girl saying they'd all decided they could no longer be friends with me as I was really upset and feeling very alone, and got some great advice from lots of lovely posters :)

OP posts:
ApocalypseThen · 22/02/2014 08:30

I think whatever you do nobody would accuse you if being unreasonable.

However, I do think they pregnant women have a bit of a problem in that, while stressing that we can do things, aren't invalids, can work, don't need complete rest (vital for our freedom), the false impression that pregnancy takes nothing out of is has been given. So they probably didn't realise just how hard it can be.

However, their treatment of you is inexcusable.

Personally, I think I'd be inclined to thaw a bit, keep it civil and never really put myself in a position like a holiday where you are all dependant on each other to an extent again.

BrokenToeOuch · 22/02/2014 08:34

Just get on with your life with your baby, I can't believe you wouldn't think this was reasonable after the way you have portrayed them behaving Confused
It just sounds like everybody involved is about 15. Move on.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 22/02/2014 08:36

OP I also remember you posting about the holiday at the time. I think I told you how I had had a similar experience.

I fell pregnant with my DD last year at 24. It was all planned and at first one of my 2 best friends who was 20 was very excited. However after about a month I realised she didn't text me as much, she was hanging out with different people to me and our other friend and it just got worse from there, to the point where she would blank me in the corridor at work (we worked together) and when my other friend texted her to ask what was wrong she completely denied any wrongdoing. We lived in the same town, if we bumped into each other she would cross the street. She would giggle and bitch about me with her new friends over lunch and eventually when she left work I didn't even say goodbye and took the expensive gift I had bought her back to the shop. It really affected me, she was my closest friend and for a while I felt like I had been through a breakup! I heard from someone else that they had asked her what happened between us and she had said what was the point of us being friends as I wasn't able to go out with her every weekend like we used to.

In the end I got over it, deleted her off Facebook and her number from my phone. After my DD was born she texted me saying "I see the baby has been born, congratulations, when can I come and see her?" She was still friends with DP on Facebook so could clearly see DD's name. I wanted to reply tearing strips off her but settled for not replying at all.

The only reason she, and your friends, have got in touch is because other people you know are involved in this and they want in on the excitement. Ignore them, you are doing great without them and you owe them nothing!

givemeaclue · 22/02/2014 08:40

Ignore. They are not your friends. Life is good for now, keep it that way. You will make new friends at uni and baby groups.

Always go forward, never backwards...

brettgirl2 · 22/02/2014 08:40

I think that's it op you're never going to be best friends with them again anyway. You do move on, most friends aren't forever.

jonicomelately · 22/02/2014 08:41

I'm going to disagree with practically everybody and say give them a second chance. You are all teenagers and hey, teenagers fall out, especially on holiday. I know many a group of mates who've come back from holiday having fallen out. I'd certainly give the letter writer a second chance, it takes a lot of courage and maturity to say that you were in the wrong. I think it's cruel to chuck the letter in the bin and tell her to fuck off as others have said after she's reached out to you in this way. By all means be very guarded and certainly dismiss them for good if they are awful towards you again, but give them a chance. They'll be having their own children one day and you could be the person they turn to for help.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 08:43

I remember your holiday thread sorry it went so badly for you these girls are not your friends anymore move on dont pander to them it is all about what they think they dont care they treated you badly they have changed their minds about you so you are expected to just fall into place i would tell them to do one,

congrats on your baby boy Smile

claraschu · 22/02/2014 08:44

I would talk to the one girl who wrote to you, (if you ever previously thought she was a good person). It takes an effort to be honest about what happened, to make a sincere apology, and actually to post a letter. She is probably feeling terrible about her behaviour, and I would want to tell her I forgive her and appreciate her effort.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 08:45

MY dd is just a wee bit older than you and she is friends with one or 2 people from school now people move on grow up have different friends

SavoyCabbage · 22/02/2014 08:46

I would write back saying that you forgive her and bear her no ill but that you have moved on now and feel that you have reached a new stage of your life.

Then don't gave any more contact. You just don't need people like that in your life.

WeAreDetective · 22/02/2014 08:49

I remember your story too. And I also believe in forgiveness, as a previous poster said.

That's not the same as inviting them all back in for friendship at all, but about you putting this to rest in your head so that the bitterness does not stay with you.

I think the advice to send a more detailed response to the one who wrote to you is good. It doesn't have to bitter or accusatory. She knows what she did wrong and that's all that matters. But I would forgive her but explain that there is no possibility of friendship or meeting up.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 08:51

I would write back saying that you forgive her and bear her no ill but that you have moved on now and feel that you have reached a new stage of your life.

the adult thing would be to do ( i would still be tempted just to ignore them)

Jackthebodiless · 22/02/2014 08:54

OP, don't give them another thought. A couple of people I know got pregnant very young and were loved and cared for by their lovely friends - age is no excuse.

Bornin1984 · 22/02/2014 08:55

I have a feeling that what happened was them following "pressure" from the ring leader she sounds like a bully n the other girls wanted to keep the peace!!!

You are happy with your life, if you choose to replyt o email thanking her for email/ apology and welcome her if she decides to visit, but leave it open and let her make next move

Congrats on ds xThanks

impatienttobemummy · 22/02/2014 08:57

YANBU!! I had some 'friends' like this, they know what they did was wrong and by you forgiving them THEY will then feel better. It isn't about you, it's selfish reasons for them! I've been an 18 year old girl and I'd never have treated a friend like this. I appreciate they won't have a clue what you have been through to bring a child into this world and you can't blame them for that but that doesn't stop them from ring nice people which they are not.
They have created a vacancy in your life for real genuine friends save the space for them x

impatienttobemummy · 22/02/2014 08:59

What MrsJay said. Say that. That's what I replied when I was sent a similar email x

Hoopalong · 22/02/2014 09:04

Ditto what mercibucket said. When my friend had a baby and was nearly late for meetup (when her baby was about a week old) I thought nothing of it. Five years later and I'm trying to get baby and me ready to go out . . . I gave up when it got to three hours later and I still wasn't ready. You have no clue when you are young so as mercibucket said and in time you will feel so much better for it and at least half of them will feel even worse for how badly they treated you as they mature - shows they are maturing now. Must say to be so young when you had your first and have it so together is great.

CalamityKate · 22/02/2014 09:08

Impatienttobemummy - I agree. They want to salve their consciences. No doubt if you allow them to see your DS they'll be congratulating themselves and each other about how lovely they are.

Don't give them the satisfaction. Tell them to fuck off. What they did went past thoughtless teenage stuff into "genuinely nasty person bitchiness" and I'd be telling them all that.