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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel insulted by this gift

72 replies

monkeynuts123 · 21/02/2014 13:02

6 months ago things were strained with my sister although we were on speaking terms. 5 months ago my dd had a big operation and I told my sister the date of it a month before. So my sister knew about the operation at the time but did not phone, txt or send a card to acknowledge it. This week she wants me to go to her house for a specified 2 hours to collect a present for DD that she forgot to give her for xmas. I said how come she didn't acknowledge dd's operation and she said it was my fault she didn't acknowledge it because I didn't remind her, I suggested that it was up to her to remember things that are important to her and she ignored me. She still didn't ask how my dd was or how the op went. I don't want to go to collect this 'gift', would you?

OP posts:

phantomnamechanger · 21/02/2014 13:06

you're being daft IMO - she is kind enough to be offering your DD a gift and you are being snooty about it? did you update her of DDs progress? is everyone supposed to put her op in big letters in their diaries? you don't sound particularly close, so why would she be so tuned in to your lives? she has other priorities.

Floggingmolly · 21/02/2014 13:10

You told her a month before the operation? And expected her not only to remember but send a card to acknowledge it?
Some people's lives are beyond my understanding...

hamptoncourt · 21/02/2014 13:11

If one of my nieces or nephews was having "A Big Operation" I wouldn't just forget it so no, YANBU.

Why is it that you have been summonsed to her house to collect a present for DD though? Can she not bring it to yours as she wants to give it? And how come she only just remembered it now?

It all sounds very manipulative to me. I would tell her thanks, can she post it, drop it off herself, or you will let her know next time you are in her area.

nennypops · 21/02/2014 13:23

Must admit if I was told my niece was going to have an operation in a month's time I'm unlikely to remember it unless it is a major operation carrying big risks. And I suppose your dsis is entitled to think that if the operation had gone anything but well you would have let her know, therefore there's not much point asking about it five months later?

redexpat · 21/02/2014 13:23

You say your relationship is strained. This sounds as if she is making an (albeit very clumsy) effort to reach out. Do you want your relationship with her to improve? If yes, then engage. If not, back off.

Some people don't know how ot respond to others' illesses.

DarlingGrace · 21/02/2014 13:25

Sometimes on this forum, I know I live in a parallel universe.

Supercosy · 21/02/2014 13:25

I don't think YABU. I don't necessarily think your sister is either. It is conceivable that your sister genuinely did forget your Dd's op (but if it was a big op I would be hurt too) but I agree it is upsetting that, when reminded about it she didn't say "oh my goodness, I'm sorry I didn't call, how is she?" It's nice that she's bought her a present though....I probably would give her the benefit of the doubt with it but I am used to my brothers who are famously useless at remembering things but not actually unkind people. They are lovely really, they are just forgetful and have busy lives. Only you know if your sister is like that or is a bit mean and thoughtless.

pictish · 21/02/2014 13:29

I've never sent a card to anyone having an operation. Adult, child or in between. I have never even marked the date.

I think that is quite normal...but am I in fact, some sort of frightful bastard?

Are you supposed to acknowledge other people's operations? Please help!

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves · 21/02/2014 13:29

OP says it was a big operation. Surely the least the little girl's aunt could have done was to send a get well card or (even less effort) texted/called to check all was well afterwards. My brother and I don't live in each other's pockets but if one of his children had a big operation I would certainly be thinking about it around the time and following up to check everything was OK. So I think you're being perfectly reasonable, OP. Your sister is trying it on. If she wants to hand over a gift now, she can post it or deliver it another time when she's in your area. Or leave it with another family member for you to collect.

DarlingGrace · 21/02/2014 13:33

I don't do cards, birthday, christmas or otherwise. It's a whole new world out there.

pictish · 21/02/2014 13:34

I mean don't get me wrong...if I know it's happening, I would make a quick phone call to say hello and pass on my regards and love, but....

I think it depends what the operation was I suppose.

MostWicked · 21/02/2014 13:34

I'm living in the same parallel universe as DarlingGrace

No wonder there's a strained relationship. Go and get the present. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have bought it.

ArsePaste · 21/02/2014 13:38

Depends on the operation, tbh. If a nephew or neice of mine had a long-term, critical illness, and was having a life-saving operation, I'd probably remember.

But for something like grommets, or a tonsilectomy, or other "routine" things, I probably wouldn't. Especially, if it was a month beforehand.

perplexedpirate · 21/02/2014 13:38

No way would I go and get the present.
She can't be arsed bringing it to you, she couldn't be arsed to remember it at Christmas, she wasn't arsed about her niece's op.
Tell her to stick it.
Urgh!

pictish · 21/02/2014 13:39

Must admit if I was told my niece was going to have an operation in a month's time I'm unlikely to remember it unless it is a major operation carrying big risks.

See...I agree with that ^^.

lljkk · 21/02/2014 13:42

mm... but dates of operations get changed, for all kinds of reasons. Or maybe she didn't realise it was a very big deal op. I think you're making a fuss over almost nothing. If it's not convenient to get the prezzie then maybe don't bother.

DrewsWife · 21/02/2014 13:42

I am the mum of a sick kid. 27 operations she has had in 10 years. Never once did she get a card or did I expect a call. Real life means what is big to us is not to others. Yes it was scary for you and DD but unless it was donor organ or cancer op they are never acknowledge operations. It's not a birthday.

If she has a present she can bring it to her niece surely. I see both sides being unreasonable here.

But if you drag your heels on them you will only get covered in mud... Suck it up. Smile and move on. Trust me life is more than being offended.

BackforGood · 21/02/2014 13:44

Not sure why you are expected to go and collect this present, rather than your sister bringing it to you next time she sees you, but, that aside, I'm with most people on this thread - wouldn't necessarily have in mind the date of an operation I was told a month in advance. I love my nieces and nephews dearly, but everyone has busy lives and it's difficult enough keeping track of my own family's diary, without getting on to extended family.
I would have contacted her t the time.... "dd's operation went well today" or something in a text or FB message or - dare I suggest - even a phone call. No point in sitting stewing on the fact she didn't remember all this time later.

chocoluvva · 21/02/2014 13:45

Aww. It must be horrible if your child needs to have an operation. I have a friend who's a GP. She described how she was tearful as she watched her 12YO being taken into theatre for a minor op. I think it would be surprising if you weren't at the very least relieved when your DC has had their op and made a successful recovery. They're your most precious thing.

My DB didn't send a card or phone when I had an op (in my forties) and I was quite offended. In his case he probably felt really awkward about knowing what to say - he has social anxiety - but I don't care he should have been nice.

I was really grateful for all the cards and little gifts I got and the phone was constantly ringing for a couple of days with people asking if it had gone okay. When my friend's DS had his op I went round with comics and sweets, texted on the day of the op to say I was thinking about them etc.

OP your DS is being thoughtless and uncaring.... but she's your family and she's your DD's auntie. Great advice from AllMimsy IMO.

ksrwr · 21/02/2014 13:46

i agree with perplexedpirate!

Marylou2 · 21/02/2014 13:48

Some harsh responses OP. She is your sister and DD is her niece. Yes she should have remembered and showed support to you both.Also it's the end of February so far to late for Christmas gifts.Let her keep it or bring it to your home. Hope your DD is feeling better soon.

Mollydoggerson · 21/02/2014 13:49

hmmm people are different. Perhaps she didn't consider the operation to be life threatening or as serious as you did.

I think it is a little OTT of her to expect you to travel to her house to get the gift. If she forgot to give the gift then she should go out of her way to drop it over.

But you know, we can't make a battle out of everything.

Bluethirsty · 21/02/2014 13:52

I'm bemused by most of the responses to this. I'm obviously living in the other universe.

Yanbu. If my dn was having a big operation which I was told about a month before, I would you use that magical thing, a calendar to make sure I didn't forget it. Most phones have them and it would take 2 seconds to set up.

Even if I didn't send a card (which I would), I would phone or a least text to see how it had gone.

We all have busy lives but these things take seconds. Where's the empathy?

As for the present I'm not sure, I guess if you want to maintain any sort of a relationship then you should go but your ds doesn't seem too bothered does she.

wiltingfast · 21/02/2014 13:53

Hmm, I can totally see where you're coming from. The lack of enquiry or thought for my dd would upset and anger me too. People are hilarious, birthdays are more important than an operation? Where you might actually die ? All operations carry considerable risk. If it was my family and one of my dc was having an op I'd expect phone calls and enquiries after them and to support me. Not because of etiquette fgs but springing from a natural well of love, affection and interest.

Not sure I'd bother going to collect the gift either.

If she's that keen to give your dd a gift, surely she'd come and give it to her herself? Some people think they can fix everything with money. A present that she can't be bothered to come and give to your dd herself is bordering on meaningless in my view.

YANBU but it is all a bit depressing for everyone.

Thurlow · 21/02/2014 13:57

Well, it's not hard to make a two second note on a calendar and then send a text asking if X is ok after their op, is it?

Overall I think you are being ABU, OP, and I would go and collect the present.

But in the wider scheme of things... I'm useless, I forget most birthdays, I didn't get around to sending Christmas card to anyone this year, but I'd make a note if a friend or family member said they were having an op one day. How sad that people think that's hard. I would find it nice if a friend asked me how something like that went if me or DD had an operation, hence why I would send them a message in return.

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