To feel insulted by this gift

[monkeynuts123]

6 months ago things were strained with my sister although we were on speaking terms. 5 months ago my dd had a big operation and I told my sister the date of it a month before. So my sister knew about the operation at the time but did not phone, txt or send a card to acknowledge it. This week she wants me to go to her house for a specified 2 hours to collect a present for DD that she forgot to give her for xmas. I said how come she didn't acknowledge dd's operation and she said it was my fault she didn't acknowledge it because I didn't remind her, I suggested that it was up to her to remember things that are important to her and she ignored me. She still didn't ask how my dd was or how the op went. I don't want to go to collect this 'gift', would you?

The operation one isn't a biggie for me some people do text etc, some don't and your relationship was strained at the time.

But come and collect a gift?! My Dad's sister did this every Christmas and Birthday. 'When are you coming to collect Mamababa's' present?' If you buy a gift it's your responsibility to deliver it to the recipient.

OK, so she forgot about the op.

Putting that aside, how did she forget to give a Christmas present??

When will she be coming to see you?

She can bring it then!

If not, tell her to post it.

I'm not sure why her forgetting to give a present should become your problem tbh.

YANBU. I wouldn't go, not a chance. I would expect my sister to ring me after I had an operation, let alone my child. I would do the same for her.
And a Christmas present two months late??

"too" late! Sorry re typo!

I'd certainly remember because I'd have put it on outlook. I'd also expect anyone who wants to give a gift to get it to us rather than expecting us to collect.

The OP says it was a big operation. I can't imagine not trying to find out how my nieces were if they had a big operation. Even if I didn't remember the actual date, I'm sure that at some point in the last FIVE MONTHS it might have occurred to me to ask (and she still hasn't asked). And my sister and I have gone through some strained times, but we'd set that aside to be genuinely interested in each others' children. YANBU. I think that's pretty callous and hurtful of your sister actually. And she's assigned you a two hour slot to go and pick a present up that she forgot to give for Christmas? Did she forget the date of Christmas as well? Why can't she put it in the post anyway?

Forgetting about the op is odd imo, I would never forget about a close member of family having an op. But my family is close, and I know many others, including yours aren't. Forgetting to give a child a Christmas present, and then asking for it to be collected a full two months after Christmas is even odder.

Operation aside, she is not allowed to order you to come and get a present. If you are giving someone a gift, you give it to them - she needs to post it or bring it round at at time that suits you.

If I were offended by someone forgetting something important to me, I would say (if I were close and there were no other problems) "did you forget that today is x?" and give them a chance to say "OH MY GOD, how did it go? I am so sorry"
If I were not close, I would wait for them to remember and feel worse when they didn't.
This sounds to me like you are just not close and maybe this is because she wants everything on her terms.

Ask her to bring the present and see what happens.

It's February, so your sister should post the present to her neice with a 'sorry it's late' card, imo, or not mention it. Would your sister normally remember things like this, OP. Do you think she could be a bit under the weather/anaemic or something. I know I've struggled for years to remember dates etc, and have had to concentrate on just my own DCs and our own appointments etc for many years. She might not be being unreasonable, she miht just need someone (like a sister) to give her a bit of a friendly nudge to get herself checked out, if this is out of character.

In her defence, if she hadn't heard either from the op or her parents about the operation then she probably assumed it hadn't gone ahead. Does she speak to your parents? Did they not mention it to her? If it all went well maybe she didn't feel the need to send a card as you are estranged.

I can guarantee I wouldn't have remembered an operation a month later unless I was reminded a few days in advance. Not sure about the Christmas present. If you want it and you want to see your sister then go and get it. Otherwise can't you invite your sister over to visit and get her to bring it? Although not sure whether you are ready to make-up yet.

I didn't expect a present for dd, not at all! I just would have thought she'd phone or txt to see how it went. Our relationship was strained at the time but on speaking terms so I felt it was like her saying she didn't care. Her adult son was diagnosed with a diabetes 3 years ago and I called him often and gave him a very generous present because I knew how upset he was, because I wanted to because I love him. My dd is a baby, I think it's mean to me as her mum. Also when I told her I was upset about that she just said I should have reminded them the days before, well I was a bit busy, you know preparing for the op with no family support and was getting more hurt as time ticked by knowing she wasn't going to call to say good luck or after even to see how it went. I think she has shown she doesn't care.

You did a thread about this the other day?

I am at people who wouldn't be able to remember a big operation a baby because they are told a month in advance. Do you have such a short memory?!?

OP I would have remembered. And if I had had some doubts abut the exact date, I would have rung, send a text and ask, even if it was slightly out of date iyswim but I would have wanted to know how my niece was.
If I actually had forgotten, the one thing I wouldn't have done is to deflect the responsibility onto someone else (but you should have rung to remind me' in the middle of getting ready for the op, anxiety an then a baby that was probably unwell for a while). I would have apologized and immediately asked how was the lo.
I can see how you thought she didn't care at all abut your dd.

OP YANBU if this was me I would be genuinely pissed off, I would never forget my niece or nephews birthday even more do if there were babies I would be right beside mum and dad giving the best support I could and I know vice versa my sister is on here and probably see this thread and agree with me aswell out of order

And no you shouldn't go pick up the present age could atleast have the decency to come see you and give her DN it especially since she's been through a traumatic time

I once forgot the date that I was having an operation to have an entire organ removed! And that had been causing me intense pain for years beforehand! I forgot to put it in my diary. It was only my mum ringing the day before to wish me luck that I remembered.

So yes, I could completely forget the date of someone else's operation.

Another one here living in a parallel universe, then, because I don't think YABU.

I don't think it's too much to expect a close family member to make a note of the date of a big operation & express a bit of concern. My FIL recently had a very routine operation: still sent a text checking all was well. I thought that was fairly normal?

Having said that, OP, if you actually used the words "How come you didn't acknowledge dd's op." to your sister, I think it was probably inevitable that you were going to get a defensive response. It does sound accusatory, to be honest.

It might have been better just to say: "By the way, dd is recovering well from her op." or something. That would have left the way much more open for your sister to express concern or even apologize for not having been in touch, without feeling that she was being taken to task for forgetting.

Leaving the op. aside, I don't get the point of buying someone a present & then demanding that they visit you at a specified time to pick it up. That just creates hassle for the recipient / their parents, which seems at odds with the purpose of a gift.

Would be bad enough if the gift was for a recent birthday, but as it's now 2 months since Christmas, I would probably just tell your sister that you're really busy & that she'll need to post the present or just to hang on to it until you next see each other.

Yanbu op, off course she should have remembered. But given that you say you have a strained relationship maybe not expect too much from her in future. Hope your dd is ok.

If you have a present for someone you need to get it to them - I find the post office quite helpful with this, if I don't feel like driving far. I often buy small/lightweight gifts in this situation.

It is not the responsibility of the receiver to get their gift!

Why on earth she has summoned you to collect it I can't imagine and I wouldn't dream of going.

I can accept she may have forgotten the operation although I would have done my best to remember a 'big' operation on my niece.

JackNoneReacher

It is not the responsibility of the receiver to get their gift!

Beautifully put. I agree 100%

Corus, personally I would rather run the risk of bothering someone than hurting them in that situation. You don't need to ask for a blow-by-blow account, just a brief message saying "I hope everything goes/went well today".

Aren't we all?!

Sounds like a stand off between the two of you.

She might be annoyed because she is guilty at forgetting the op, and is being snotty because she knows she is in the wrong.

Best thing is that you be the generous one and give nice reply ' no worries, will pick up next time I see you, thx in advance' and leave it at that.

She forgot. It's not the same as not caring. I can see both sides. You could have sent her a text a couple of days before saying your daughter is having her op this week, your so nervous ect. She should have remembered the date. Let it go. She brought a present so she does care.