To feel insulted by this gift

[monkeynuts123]

6 months ago things were strained with my sister although we were on speaking terms. 5 months ago my dd had a big operation and I told my sister the date of it a month before. So my sister knew about the operation at the time but did not phone, txt or send a card to acknowledge it. This week she wants me to go to her house for a specified 2 hours to collect a present for DD that she forgot to give her for xmas. I said how come she didn't acknowledge dd's operation and she said it was my fault she didn't acknowledge it because I didn't remind her, I suggested that it was up to her to remember things that are important to her and she ignored me. She still didn't ask how my dd was or how the op went. I don't want to go to collect this 'gift', would you?

Some people's lives are beyond my understanding...

Me too. I love my nieces & nephews, and when one of them was in intensive care I was ringing every day, but really? Don't you have other more important things to think about?

Maybe some on this thread have baby nieces who go into hospitals for operations all the time, so they're a bit blase about the whole tiresome thing.

But for me, that's not a very common occurrence and, even as someone who never remembers birthdays and stuff, I might make a bit of an effort to remember it.

I agree Puppy. I think it's quite shocking not to make any effort to find out. I would feel that if my sister wasn't able to remember, then that was a sign of her not caring. And I'd find it quite hard to let go off and move on from tbh. If I'd done that then my niece would be getting a fantastic Christmas present from me on time that I would have delivered or posted.

You never know what's going on in other people's lives, there may be a lot of stress distracting her. She probably put it out of her head thinking that if anything goes wrong, she'll hear about it. No news is good news iyswim.

CorusKate - "unless we were very close" - this is the OP's sister in question.

If you haven't had the experience of parenting a child having an op, or having an op yourself you're not in the best position to question the normality of those people who have.

OP I'd bet my bottom dollar your DS feels guilty for forgetting. That's why she's being the way she is now - for her to now ask after your DD or apologise would stir up her guilty feelings and make her feel really bad, so she's avoiding the subject to protect herself.

But she's your DS so if you can find it in yourself to move on from this you'll probably be glad you did sooner or later.

Anyway, how is your DD?

It's an odd one OP but we have a close family member that has a real "thing" about other people being ill. I know this sounds weird but it's almost like he begrudges other people the attention they get when they are unwell! I thought it was only me that noticed it and then his DP told me that when she had had some worrying symptoms and then had to have an op and was still awaiting test results and he literally ignored the subject. When she asked him about it he was totally dismissive and said "you look fine to me"! Maybe your sister is a bit like that!

I think I might have forgotten the op. If it was only mentioned once, a month in advance, then I might well think it wasn't that big a deal and it would drop from my mind.

I'd be surprised if you're not in a tiny minority of people who feel like you.

I assumed you've never had an op yourself from "exactly what I wouldn't want to deal with..." If you'd had a relevant experience you'd have cited it as an example instead of explaining how you think you'd feel in that situation. Anyway, it doesn't take much to "deal with" a text saying you're thinking about someone or hoping the op went well.

I have a very reserved friend who was recently bereaved. She has since made several positive references to the flowers I sent her. I think you might be quite grateful for family members taking a kindly interest in your DD's op. A text or phone-call would be the normal response.

There have been studies which have shown that the prognosis for cancer patients who have good, close relationships is better than for those who don't.

Unfortunately death and illness brings out the worst in people. Some people step up and support you and some people you won't see for dust.

I would be leaving the present where it is and accepting the fact your sister isn't worth too much effort. YANBU.

I was the poster who appreciated the attention I got when I was ill, and was offended by my DB ignoring it; a very similar situation to the OP's. You who have no relevant experience are saying that the OP should not be offended because YOU wouldn't have been if you had been in her situation. I can't see how that's helpful.

You implied that OP's DS might feel that the OP would feel like you do too, even though other posters have said that your reaction in a situation like this is probably not a normal one and I've explained that taking a kindly interest is usually appreciated.

Lifesaving ops do not have a month's notice. Get over yourself, OP.

Untrue and unkind.

Laguardia have you ever heard of NHS waiting lists? Just because an op isn't an emergency, doesn't mean it isn't lifesaving. Also complex ops need planning and resources, that can easily take a month.

chocoluvva's right. Quite a few serious operations have a lot of notice. Sometimes you have to get fit to withstand them.

YAnBU on lots of points. I do wonder though, given she has specified a set two hours - is this a surprise gathering of some kind? Do you have a significant birthday looming? Just wondering if the present thing is an excuse to get you there at a set time.

Laguardia that's just not true. Do you honestly believe that or is it something to stir up the thread?

I can't quite work out why or how you'd even think that was 'a fact'