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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Its not just me is it - he really is a thoughtless unsupportive arse and I need to rethink my relationship

52 replies

scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:01

I had a contraception failure and became pregnant recently. There are lots of reasons why I cannot have a baby so we went to a private clinic about a termination and I was booked in for the procedure next week. However the clinic were concerned about my low blood pressure and wanted to speak to my GP regarding this and it turns out a 24 hour ECG I had back in December showed abnormalities and for some reason my GP had failed to check the ECG tape so it was never picked up (another thread all in itself)

So I have a suspected heart problem (possibly atrial fibrillation) and need a heart scan before I can have my termination. I am terrified and am scared that if this drags on for too long I will reach the stage where a termination will become difficult / impossible.

My partner of 20 month plays amateur football and they go away a few times a year to play tournaments. He is due to go away in 2 weeks halfway across the country and he will be driving quite a few others as he has a people carrier, but it looks as though it is likely that if all is ok with my heart scan next week, the termination may have to happen the week he is away.

Some gems he has come out with this week have been

When asked I he will still be here for me during the termination he answered that he doesn't know. If he doesn't go they will be a man down. He then backtracked and said he will be there but sounds reluctant. I said if he was having an operation I would be there for him regardless to what I was doing. He said he would not expect me to an that HE doesn't need to me mollycoddled

When I was really upset verging on the hysterical because I am so scared there is something terribly wrong with me he told me that there are people out there who are terminally ill and he doesn't know why I am so worked up now when I have had heart palpitations on and off for 2 years (because no GP has ever told me before here is a problem. I have always been told its stress, don't worry etc) There is no point in worrying because I don't know what it is yet and that I will just make myself more ill (true)

After I had calmed down a bit and was sat a bit shuddery on the sofa feeling shaky and shuddery he picks his phone up, logs into Facebook and sits there posting on a friends status and giggling to himself about it. I felt that was insensitive but he just wanted to lighten the mood because it was getting too depressing. Well maybe for him it did but it did nothing for me .

So I feel totally alone as only 2 friends know the full story and I know that I may have to also end my relationship at some point as he is so unsupportive. But I love his kids so much and I just feel like the bottom of my world has dropped out in the space of a few days.

Thank you for reading, if you have got to the end of this you deserve a big medal!

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 21/02/2014 12:07

You really really need to leave this guy. He will end up hurting you over and over again because it's seems that this is who he is. You are going through such a difficult time and he's let you down don't stick around for more of these disappointments.

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 12:07

What would turn what you think is a strongly sympathy-worthy behaviour into something people wanted to avoid, and had no sympathy for?

Sounds like he either strongly disapproves and/or thinks you are being vulgar and melodramatic. Only you, knowing him, can judge which, and whether you feel it is OK, and what that means for your relationship.

sadbodyblue · 21/02/2014 12:07

oh poor you how dreadful.

ok you know he's an arse and you can't stay with him just because you like his children. you know that don't you?

concentrate on yourself now love.

can't see that any heart problem could negate a termination but you obviously need to chat to your consultant.

when is your heart scan? have you got an appointment with a gynaecologist?

Joysmum · 21/02/2014 12:08

What an insensitive twat.

I personally think the telling of a good relationship is not in how well things are going in the good times, but how together you are in the bad times.

Logg1e · 21/02/2014 12:08

I think you feel he's being an insensitive, self-centred twat. I think you're right.

A big life change like this is bound to take some coming to terms with, and it's bound to leave you reeling. But that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

ziggyf · 21/02/2014 12:08

Does he have any redeeming features? He doesn't sound very caring and supportive to me. I hope you get the all clear.

fluffyanimal · 21/02/2014 12:09

No it's not just you. In fact it's not you at all, it's him. It's a frightening time for you, have an unMumsnetty hug and some .

Original poster

scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:10

Thanks coffeetea - I told him I feel he has let me down and that he has hurt me. Those were my exact words. I feel like last week I was in a relatively happy relationship and my general health was good. Now I am probably going to have to end my relationship and say goodbye to the children I have become so close to and my health could be a risk too

Vulva - I don't understand your post. I find your choice of words a bit odd. I don't think you are being melodramatic or vulgar by being upset when you have found out that your health is potentially at risk

OP posts:

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 12:14

I don't think "shaky and shuddery" would strike a man as a sincere emotional behaviour unless you'd just seen someone die or something, to be honest, so if he is not feeling sympathetic to you, it will just seem repulsive.

I don't know, but it doesn't seem like this man cares about or even likes you very much at this point at all for whatever reason - I think you are probably right to be re-evaluating the relationship.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 21/02/2014 12:14

You deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to be there for you, who is there for you.

I agree with what Joysmum has said.

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 12:15

scared - I did not say you were, not at all. I was speculating as to what might explain his behaviour.

YouStayClassySanDiego · 21/02/2014 12:15

Vulva what on earth are you on about?

OP, he's not supporting you and is putting himself and his feelings above yours.

Rethink the relationship, when it comes to something as significant as a termination and your heart problem he's failed to step up to the mark.

Sorry

FelineLou · 21/02/2014 12:16

Atrial Fibrillation is an easily managed situation and they will just watch a bit more carefully for the termination. But you do need some support and this does not seem to be available from your big male child.
If this is how important he thinks joint concerns are now how about later when you do try to raise children.
Sport with lads trumps care of loved one? No way.

DarlingGrace · 21/02/2014 12:17

Do you want a termination?

GingerRodgers · 21/02/2014 12:17

Op you would actually be better off without him in this situation. You would still be dealing with these issues but you wouldn't have to put up with his lack of caring, sensitivity and compassion.
Get rid and take care of yourself.
You need someone who can support you through times like this. Not someone who is too selfish to see beyond their own needs.

fuzzywuzzy · 21/02/2014 12:18

He is a thoughtless unsupportive arse, he's showing you exactly what life with him will be like.

Rally round friends and family and get the the next few days out of the way surrounded with love and support.

then LTB have a long hard think about how you want your live your life and what kind of partner you want, the above or someone who is there for you.

Original poster

scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:18

I have my heart scan next Tuesday and a gynae appointment at a hospital on Wednesday so it is looking like any procedure may happen the week he is away. And its in his home town where I know no-one so I won't have anyone else to go with me if he won't come.

I just feel devastated as I always knew that he could be a bit thoughtless but this is beyond the pale for me. He does have some redeeming features, he is tactile, has fully include me in his life, is reliable, and trustworthy. But now I don't think that is enough anymore

OP posts:

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 12:18

You - I am using my understanding of martian to try and fathom giggling whilst someone is crying, and going on facebook, for the OP.

The general thrust being the same as your comment really, I think this behaviour says no sympathy, no like and it's time to rethink based on that

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 12:21

I suggest you leave this person as he is a man-child and is making it quite clear he doesn't believe you are genuinely ill and most certainly won't be there for you should you be very ill.

I hope that things work out for you with regards to your heart and the termination.

Original poster

scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:21

Some of you have said exactly what one of my 2 friends who do know have already said - Dealing with this and him is harder than on my own. I feel like I don't know what is for the best right now.

I do want this termination unfortunately. He is unsupportive, I don't have much in the way of family, my job is unstable at the moment and I just don't feel I would be able to cope right now

OP posts:

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 12:25

If he feels that you do really want the termination, that might explain it without meaning it is finito time.

It may be something you can talk through, if that is the case - he may be devastated or angry in a way he feels he can't possibly talk to you about (because of your illness or being an emotionally retarded man).

dreamingbohemian · 21/02/2014 12:27

I'm so sorry OP. I totally agree with Joysmum it's when things are tough that you see people's true worth. There is nothing more soul-destroying that being in pain and the person who's supposed to love you the most is not there for you. Don't make this your life.

For the termination, depending on what procedure you're having done and whether your heart condition is a concern, you may indeed need somebody with you for a bit afterwards. Could one of your friends help you out -- at least check in on you in the evening? Why do you have to have it done in his hometown?

ImperialBlether · 21/02/2014 12:29

I'd take advantage of his being away to collect all his stuff and leave it in bags for him to take away when he gets back. He can sleep in his people carrier if he's stuck.

Thurlow · 21/02/2014 12:30

He sounds like an absolute arse, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

For me the simple decider would be that you were both involved in getting pregnant, and so you both need to be involved in the termination. When I had one it was a joint decision and we both went to the appointments and dealt with it together. To me, what you've said reads as the thinks you are pregnant and you should deal with it. Which is just awful. That would be an absolute deal breaker.

Good luck with the tests, and with the termination. (Please do PM me if you want to talk to someone who has been there).

Original poster

scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:32

When I found about the pregnancy I asked him time and time again what he wants. He said he doesn't mind and would support me either way. He said he would never tell me to have a termination but that after having 3 kids of his own already he never thought he would have anymore. His mum told me a while ago that his ex used to say she felt that she was doing it all on her own when it came to the kids because he was always out either working (fair enough) or out with his friends until 5am. His daughter who is 17 told me last week (with no input from me) that she wonders why I am with her dad. He is too miserable for me and I could do better. He is not the right man to have children with and I know this but I have always secretly thought that if it were someone else who were a bit more supportive I might be more likely to go through with it.

OP posts:

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