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Original poster

Its not just me is it - he really is a thoughtless unsupportive arse and I need to rethink my relationship

52 replies

scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:01

I had a contraception failure and became pregnant recently. There are lots of reasons why I cannot have a baby so we went to a private clinic about a termination and I was booked in for the procedure next week. However the clinic were concerned about my low blood pressure and wanted to speak to my GP regarding this and it turns out a 24 hour ECG I had back in December showed abnormalities and for some reason my GP had failed to check the ECG tape so it was never picked up (another thread all in itself)

So I have a suspected heart problem (possibly atrial fibrillation) and need a heart scan before I can have my termination. I am terrified and am scared that if this drags on for too long I will reach the stage where a termination will become difficult / impossible.

My partner of 20 month plays amateur football and they go away a few times a year to play tournaments. He is due to go away in 2 weeks halfway across the country and he will be driving quite a few others as he has a people carrier, but it looks as though it is likely that if all is ok with my heart scan next week, the termination may have to happen the week he is away.

Some gems he has come out with this week have been

When asked I he will still be here for me during the termination he answered that he doesn't know. If he doesn't go they will be a man down. He then backtracked and said he will be there but sounds reluctant. I said if he was having an operation I would be there for him regardless to what I was doing. He said he would not expect me to an that HE doesn't need to me mollycoddled

When I was really upset verging on the hysterical because I am so scared there is something terribly wrong with me he told me that there are people out there who are terminally ill and he doesn't know why I am so worked up now when I have had heart palpitations on and off for 2 years (because no GP has ever told me before here is a problem. I have always been told its stress, don't worry etc) There is no point in worrying because I don't know what it is yet and that I will just make myself more ill (true)

After I had calmed down a bit and was sat a bit shuddery on the sofa feeling shaky and shuddery he picks his phone up, logs into Facebook and sits there posting on a friends status and giggling to himself about it. I felt that was insensitive but he just wanted to lighten the mood because it was getting too depressing. Well maybe for him it did but it did nothing for me .

So I feel totally alone as only 2 friends know the full story and I know that I may have to also end my relationship at some point as he is so unsupportive. But I love his kids so much and I just feel like the bottom of my world has dropped out in the space of a few days.

Thank you for reading, if you have got to the end of this you deserve a big medal!

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:35

Thanks Thurlow for the pm offer and everyone else too. I am having it done in his home town because if I have it done near me, the next appointment isn't for a few weeks and my GP has said this will bring me a bit too close to the deadline for the termination I want. Bit I never thought he would not be there. Though he is now, but probably under sufferance Sad

OP posts:
weirdthing · 21/02/2014 12:38

Private clinics are very twitchy about even the most minor health complaints so don't panic re your heart. A private clinic wouldn't let me have a termination as I am overweight (but just a size 16) and otherwise healthy. I had to go to the NHS and wait until 10 wks which was appalling stressful. Your partner sounds like a twat. I think some men just haven't a clue about these things - it's like because you don't look any different then they can just imagine that none of this is 'real' iyswim. Anyway, good luck with everything. You will feel a lot better about 2 weeks after it is done. (You might be v hormonal just after it - v weepy etc even though you totally wanted the procedure).

dreamingbohemian · 21/02/2014 12:39

OP, I don't mean to be harsh, but if the man's own mother and daughter don't speak highly of him, why are you with him???? He sounds awful. I'm not sure how you can say he's "reliable and trustworthy" clearly he can't be counted on. I'm sorry you are going through such a terrible time but really I think it's for the best that you get rid, you can definitely do so much better. Especially if you think you might actually want to have kids -- don't sacrifice that for some guy who doesn't deserve you.

hamptoncourt · 21/02/2014 12:39

OP he is NOT "reliable" as you claim him to be. Now, when you need him the most, he would rather be off playing footie with his chums.

His use of the word "mollycoddled" to describe his view of looking after his partner during a termination is very telling and would, to many women be a deal breaker.

I agree with Imperial in that you are probably better off letting him go on his jolly, rather than have him reluctantly huffing and puffing whilst he "mollycoddles" you during this awful time. Pack his stuff up and tell him to take a hike.

dreamingbohemian · 21/02/2014 12:42

sorry x-post

I know you'll want support but honestly do not bring him if he's not 100 percent going to be positive and supportive, it will make it soooo much worse.

I would keep calling and begging for an earlier appointment where you live so you are not dependent on him. People change their minds at the last minute all the time, there may be cancellations.

YouTheCat · 21/02/2014 12:43

He's a twat.

His kids might want to keep in contact with you anyway, if they are old enough to make that choice. But you need rid of this arse.

Anniegoestotown · 21/02/2014 12:49

Can I ask why you don't want this baby but might want one with someone different?

Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:50

Yes, I agree. He was reliable up until this point. I now realise he isn't emotionally reliable at all

I have my own house but have spent a lot of time at his (in fact we live there a lot of the time) because it made sense at the time. But in hindsight it made sense more for him as our houses are about 25 miles apart. I have probably put myself in a situation that I would advise other people against by spending most of my time with his friends and family. Although I do see my friends still, I don't have much of a family and have really loved being part of a family for the first time ever. And now I know I need to leave all that behind and will end up (at least at first) feeling very lonely again for a bit.

I have been very stupid

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 12:51

Annie - because I don't feel I have enough support and I can't do this on my own. I really can't. I don't feel strong enough emotionally and now nor do I feel strong enough physically either. And my job isn't secure enough so I may not be able to provide properly either

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 21/02/2014 12:55

Oh no, don't call yourself stupid. You had faith and hope in a situation and a person that turned out wrong. It would only be stupid to stay now that you realise he can't be counted on.

You will be lonely for a bit but eventually you will reconnect with friends, make new ones, eventually meet someone else. And maybe you can even make your own family someday, with someone else.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are going through a lot, be kind to yourself. Let your friends help you. Talk to us. It will be hard but it will be okay in the end.

dreamingbohemian · 21/02/2014 12:58

btw I think you're being very sensible about the termination -- if you're not in a good position, you're just not. And really, you don't want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life anyway. He will just let you and your child down over and over and over.

Purplepoodle · 21/02/2014 13:05

Firstly ditch the man, he sounds emotionally retarded.

As for the baby it's your choice. From personal experience I would base your choice on wether you want a baby not the circumstances you find yourself in. You could meet someone, it could be perfect, you could try and conceived a much planned for baby then your husband could pack his bag just before you give birth or a few weeks after as they couldn't cope and their wives have changed. This happened to friends of mine. They struggled but survived.

Anniegoestotown · 21/02/2014 13:09

Sorry Scaredandangry it is just that when I see posts like yours it brings back memories of a df who had a termination at 19, in the middle of her university degree and from a one night stand. She thought she had plenty of time to meet Mr Right and get her career under way and her life sorted. At 49 she died of liver failiure. She never did find Mr Right and her career went to pot because of her drinking. Her one deepest regret was that termination. Her life might not have been how she had planned but to this day I believe if she had not had that termination she would have been with us today.

NigellasDealer · 21/02/2014 13:10

he sounds like a total cunt, you are worth more than this
Flowers

Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 13:11

Thanks everyone. It is the right thing for me now. I do have a DS age 14 already who I have shared custody of with ex dp and I know from when he was a baby, how hard it was. And ex dp was brilliant at sharing the night feeds etc and I still found it hard. I definitely couldn't do it on my own.
And thanks Dreaming too because that is it in a nutshell. I took a leap of faith and it backfired. I put all my eggs in almost one basket which in hindsight I should not have done

I am going to get my health stuff sorted first and then sort the relationship out after. This whole episode has been a real eye opener and I just feel sad that at 37 I need to start all over again. I always thought I would be happy and settled at this age and now everything is up in the air again.

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 13:12

Sad Annie, your poor friend. That is so terribly sad.

OP posts:
serenshiningstar · 21/02/2014 13:19

Annie, that's one experience and there were thirty years between the termination and your friends death. It's very rare indeed there is one definitive moment like that in somebody's life: usually it's a culmination of events.

The OP has decided on a termination. She didn't ask for opinions on it.

dreamingbohemian · 21/02/2014 13:25

37 is still young though. I think I just started getting my act together around then! you have lots of time still. I know it must be so frustrating though.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 13:29

" Dealing with this and him is harder than on my own. I feel like I don't know what is for the best right now."

You are contradicting yourself here. You say the situation is made harder by being with him yet you don't know what to do. You do know what you should do, question is whether you will do it.

CailinDana · 21/02/2014 13:31

Would you consider counselling? It would help with your anxiety about your health and give you strength and resolve to move on from this relationship. Fdon't forget you do have a family, with your son. It's small but no less important. A man isn't essential for a family.
Fwiw, my dad was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation two years ago and is on meds but is absolutely fine and he's nearly 70.

MaryWestmacott · 21/02/2014 13:31

OP - you have made your decision and it does sound like the right one given your current situation.

Re your 'D'P - I personally would tell him to go on his jolly, because he won't be able to do emotional support, he might physically be there, he might make you a few cups of tea, but he's not going to be a shoulder to cry on. However, because he is physically there, your other friends won't be. The friends that you have told, could you call them now, ask if they would please please be the ones to come with you, or perhaps take it in turns over the 24 hours around it that you can't be left alone (if you have a GA you need to have someone else physically there) then send him off on his footie tour. A good friend would be there for you if they could, it's worth asking.

Then you can cry and wail on them without worrying about trying to put a brave face on, or having your emotions treated like a bit of a joke or problem.

After you've got that over and done with, I think you have to accept your relationship is over and done with too. Your DSD at 17 is old enough to know if she wants to stay in touch with you she can.

37 is not too old to rebuild your life. But it is far too old to waste another minute on the wrong man.

Garnett · 21/02/2014 13:39

I hope everything turns out well.

How long is he away from home on the football tournament?

Also, you mentioned that " I was really upset verging on the hysterical because I am so scared there is something terribly wrong with me" and then, "After I had calmed down a bit and was sat a bit shuddery on the sofa". Presumably this was all in discussions with him about this? How long did it go on for and did he offer any kind of consolation whatsoever?

Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 13:44

I do know I need to do it. There have been a few niggles before the pregnancy that made me question if he was the right one. Thank god I never gave my house up properly as I rent and he owns his, but I still have somewhere I can go back to. Its just that with the health stuff and the termination, I don't know if I can also handle ending a relationship at the same time.

I do agree that I would rather have someone there with me who wants to be and who is genuinely supportive rather than there under sufferance. But out of the 2 friends who know, one I work with in a very small team so she would not be allowed annual leave at the same time, and the other lives 200 hundred miles away on her own with a toddler who has been poorly pretty much non stop for months with chest infections, chicken pox and teething. I don't think either of them could do it so I am well and truly stuck. I don't want to tell anyone else, the less people who know about the termination the better for me I think

OP posts:
Original poster
scaredandangry · 21/02/2014 13:47

Garnett - with travelling days he will be away for 6 days. We were sat down probably for about an hour, he was stroking my arm with his hand and that is what he keeps harping back to. "I was there for you, I was stroking your arm and listening" But the things he was saying about people being terminally ill and why was I so upset now, I didn't feel were helpful. I feel he was physically there and not emotionally there. But he says I am being ridiculous.

OP posts:
Garnett · 21/02/2014 19:53

If you'd said he was going away for 1 or 2 days, or that you'd talked for hours when he got out the phone, then I'd have thought maybe you were being a bit over-sensitive. As it is, from what you've said, it sounds like he's being a dick.