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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go on a date with a man i dont fancy?

103 replies

Needsmorecake · 21/02/2014 09:40

I have a very specific ' type' I dont tend to fancy ( lookswise) many men. This may or may not be a contributing factor in my being single for an awfully long time.

Ive got talking to someone online, i like his personality, we have mutual friends, i do not fancy him at all from his pics. I know he has a good job/ is very financially stable.

Im thinking he might fall into the category of when someones personality makes them attractive. Im sure i fall into this category too :)

AIBU to meet him for a coffee date, knowing im not going to fancy him?

OP posts:
Melonbreath · 21/02/2014 10:26

After a string of my types who turned into twats I went for someone not my type.
been married 8 years now.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 21/02/2014 10:27

' men of significance' not all dates, not all men ive met :)

we arent mates, i dont see how a coffee with someone from a dating site, who you havent met, can be as mates ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
Needsmorecake · 21/02/2014 10:29

anyway, im pleased that not one poster thinks its a bad thing to do. I sort of feel like its forgoing my feminist principals or something.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 21/02/2014 10:29

You're going for coffee, that doesn't mean you're commuting to fancying him, not minding his bad habits, getting on with his mum etc. there's no commitment, just see where it takes you.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/02/2014 10:29

I have a friend who is very specific about the type of bloke she wants to meet. And she wonders why she's still single.

I have another friend who also wanted a certain 'type'. She ended up marrying someone who couldn't have been any more different.

MichonnesSamuraiSword · 21/02/2014 10:32

I basically date the same man over and over again - and none of them have worked out.

For this reason alone, you need to try a different 'type'.

I met my DP online. I didn't think he was my type, but he seemed very nice so I thought I'd try a date. After one date, I still wasn't sure, because there were some things about him that really weren't my 'type'. But I agreed to a second date just to be sure. On that second date, he showed me a completely different side to himself which is totally my type. We are very, very happy together and have been for the last 4 years.

Give him a whirl OP - the worst that can happen is you have one date and decide he's not for you.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 21/02/2014 10:36

I have dated lots of other types, just the ones who turned out to be of anything significant..... all looked the same.

its not like ive not tried. I have, more times that i should have liked.

OP posts:
tattychicken · 21/02/2014 10:39

I didn't fancy DH when I met him. But he made me laugh and laugh til my sides hurt. And I noticed how his eyes crinkled when he laughed, and how blue they were. And how loyal and kind he was to his family and his mates but how he wouldn't let anyone mess him about. How broad his back was. How fierce he was on the rugby pitch and how gentle he was with animals. And then I did fancy him. And still do nearly twenty years later.

Give it a go, what's the worst that can happen?

justiceofthePeas · 21/02/2014 10:42

I too say give it a whirl. your type clearly hasn't been working out for you and looks are a very superficial and insubstantial thing.

I find i tend to be immediately attracted to men who look like my last ex. but when i get to like someone my type changes. Sometimes it is a mannerism or an accidental touch of the hand or them making me laugh.

Keep an open mind.

And anyway coffee is only coffee..anyone who goes OD knows the spark may not be there.

GW297 · 21/02/2014 10:44

Go on one date. If after that you don't fancy him and don't see it going anywhere be honest and tell him. One date is ok, any more is not being fair.

Mia4 · 21/02/2014 11:04

I had a type too. For years I rotated between single and my 'type' all of which ended with me being single for long periods of time. I stepped way out of my type and comfort zone with dp and after years together I can look back and see that my type actually help me back.

I would stick to and seek out my type because deep down.I knew it wouldn't work out with them and that was safer then stepping away from it. It was pretty self destructive. Im not saying you are the same op but talking to friends who also stuck to a type- usually a certain look and crappy personality trait- they've admitted the same.

It's been good for all of us to step away from our types and try something new. Some have led to partners, others to not being stuck in a single-not-willing- to-bother-trying rut. I think if you've been single and just holding out for your type then try something new, afterall where has your type got you?

mrsjay · 21/02/2014 11:11

we arent mates, i dont see how a coffee with someone from a dating site, who you havent met, can be as mates ;)

I read it as you had mutual friend so is he from a dating site then i am confused it is easily done

VulvaBeaker · 21/02/2014 11:13

See how it goes, what harm can it do?

I think a lot of us don't settle down with what we thought was our type.

Original poster
Needsmorecake · 21/02/2014 11:16

we do have a couple of mutual friends, so from that side we will probably get on, ish.

And again, i have dated lots of men who arent my type. Ive dated more men that arent my type than those that are. However, all the significant ones look, visually, very much the same and yes, do have similar personality traits.

My marriage was to someone who wasnt my type at all.

So, ive stepped out of my comfort zone lots of times.

Its not that im not willing, i just know that its most likely it wont go anywhere and i feel like im going because he ' seems ok and does ok for himself' Im a bit of a feminist, i struggle with dating someone because of that, as a concept.

OP posts:
ReadyToPopAndFresh · 21/02/2014 11:17

You're going out on a date, not arranging a marriage. put your beer goggles on enjoy the evening see how you feel.

colleysmill · 21/02/2014 11:17

Some of the best relationships grow out of friendship and its only coffee!

I'd go and see what happens.

ExcuseTypos · 21/02/2014 11:26

Stop analysing it so muchSmile

Just go and see what happens.

And don't forget- you might not be his type, he might just be "seeing what happens" too. I don't think you need ot fancy someone to meet them for a coffee.

Littleen · 21/02/2014 11:27

I've fallen in love with a man I thought was very unattractive from his pictures! It took quite a few weeks before I started physically fancying him for some reason, though personality wise etc it was fireworks!

So yeah - go ahead, you've got nothing to lose :) If you keep seeing him and still don't fancy him, you might have a new friend if nothing else.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/02/2014 14:17

You can think someone is good looking but you can't actually fancy someone until you get to know them. Don't dismiss him you may get to know him and he will start to be more and more attractive to because you like him as a person.

mrsjay · 21/02/2014 14:22

excusetypos said stop analysing it so much DO THAT and go for a bloody coffee you are making it worse than it actually is go have fun chat a bit go home and it it doesnt work then it doesnt work

Monetbyhimself · 21/02/2014 14:22

Same as Littleen. The man who currently makes my knees tremble AND my stomach growl is somebody that I wouldn't have given a second glance to in a pub Grin

issey6cats · 21/02/2014 14:26

what harm can it do if you meet and dont like him you have wasted a whole hour out of your life, online dating i have always gone for good looking blokes but this time the guy who contacted me was definitely not what i call good looking, but i met him for a coffee and he has a lot of qualities that i like and six weeks later still seeing him and getting to like him more each time i see him, in fact we are off to see brian may tonight ( me big queen fan)

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 21/02/2014 14:30

I really really want to know your "type" now...!

SaucyJack · 21/02/2014 14:33

Actually, I think it depends on what you mean by not "your type". My DP wasn't my type- but he's still a ruddy good example of his "type" (if that makes sense) and I certainly fancy him.

If it's just a polite way of saying that he's.... well.... ugly, then don't waste your time or his.

Joysmum · 21/02/2014 14:52

My DH and I were best mates for years before he chanced it and made a move. It was only then I saw his shagging potential! Up until then he was my best mate.

So for me, I'd say friendship was more important and fancying somebody comes later.

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