Long and strange post coming up. Not something I can discuss with people in real life as I feel slightly ashamed.
I was confirmed at school. I love the ritual of worship and go to weddings, funerals and baptisms, but I haven't taken communion for nearly twenty years. I continually wish I still had my faith, but it seems to have petered out in adulthood. Now I would really describe myself as an agnostic.
Nonetheless, I am a good Godmother to five children. I make a fuss of the children when I see them, and sometimes take the older ones out to treats such as lunch or the ballet. I give generous presents at Christenings, generous presents for Christmas, and generous presents for birthdays.
In the last year, I split with my long-term partner, finally got a big promotion, and moved into my own place.
The parents of four of these children barely acknowledged these massive life events (all of which were incredibly stressful and upsetting at the time, although I'm now finally reaching the point where I can see they were all for the best). None of them have made plans to socialise with me at events that do not involve their children.
Their indifference has left me feeling hurt, sad, embarrassed and resentful. All bar one of the friendships have long been social rather than close, but now they just seem totally one-sided. I feel I've been manipulated into maintaining these empty friendships through the Godmother relationship, which is rather lucrative for them but gives me little pleasure.
Frankly, there are other children in my life that I like more, and whose parents have closer relationships with me. I'd now like to concentrate my time and energy (and spending!) on them, not on people too selfish to even bother texting me to ask how I am in tough times.
The birthdays of two of my Godchildren are coming up shortly and I'm sorely tempted to 'forget'. I do receive thank you cards, but not one child - or their parents - has ever remembered my own birthday. Petty I know, but it just emphasises the one-sided nature of the relationship. I want to quietly drop their parents, and the parents of the other two, from my social circle.
But part of me - schooled in the Church and still beset by religious guilt now and then - is agonising. It is wrong to punish the children because I'm upset with their parents, isn't it? I'm angry at the materialistic nature of this relationship, but perhaps I have encouraged this by being so generous?
Yet I'm finding it hard to accept the hypocrisy of maintaining meaningless friendships too.
Oh God what do I do?