I want to 'resign' my Godchildren

[thesaurusgirl]

Long and strange post coming up. Not something I can discuss with people in real life as I feel slightly ashamed.

I was confirmed at school. I love the ritual of worship and go to weddings, funerals and baptisms, but I haven't taken communion for nearly twenty years. I continually wish I still had my faith, but it seems to have petered out in adulthood. Now I would really describe myself as an agnostic.

Nonetheless, I am a good Godmother to five children. I make a fuss of the children when I see them, and sometimes take the older ones out to treats such as lunch or the ballet. I give generous presents at Christenings, generous presents for Christmas, and generous presents for birthdays.

In the last year, I split with my long-term partner, finally got a big promotion, and moved into my own place.

The parents of four of these children barely acknowledged these massive life events (all of which were incredibly stressful and upsetting at the time, although I'm now finally reaching the point where I can see they were all for the best). None of them have made plans to socialise with me at events that do not involve their children.

Their indifference has left me feeling hurt, sad, embarrassed and resentful. All bar one of the friendships have long been social rather than close, but now they just seem totally one-sided. I feel I've been manipulated into maintaining these empty friendships through the Godmother relationship, which is rather lucrative for them but gives me little pleasure.

Frankly, there are other children in my life that I like more, and whose parents have closer relationships with me. I'd now like to concentrate my time and energy (and spending!) on them, not on people too selfish to even bother texting me to ask how I am in tough times.

The birthdays of two of my Godchildren are coming up shortly and I'm sorely tempted to 'forget'. I do receive thank you cards, but not one child - or their parents - has ever remembered my own birthday. Petty I know, but it just emphasises the one-sided nature of the relationship. I want to quietly drop their parents, and the parents of the other two, from my social circle.

But part of me - schooled in the Church and still beset by religious guilt now and then - is agonising. It is wrong to punish the children because I'm upset with their parents, isn't it? I'm angry at the materialistic nature of this relationship, but perhaps I have encouraged this by being so generous?

Yet I'm finding it hard to accept the hypocrisy of maintaining meaningless friendships too.

Oh God what do I do?

I would find it very hard to care about other people that had treated me with such disregard. I would continue to send cards with perhaps a
Ten pound note inside but that would be the limit of my generosity. They have not been generous of spirit in support of you in these trying times you've experienced, I doubt they need yours now.

Well, I'm not at all religious. I have no god parents so might be wroing about this but I was always under the impression that being a godparent was about supporting and teaching the child throughout their life in a moral and religious way. I wasn't aware that presents were mentioned at any point in the vows.

If I'm right about this I don't see why you can't fulfill your godmother duties by sending a card occasionally and stop all this gift business.

If you're invited to a small child's birthday, you can't very well turn up without a present if you're his Godmother. Plus why do you think childless women and gay men always have great numbers of Godchildren? Because we're such great role models ?

I did spoil the first Godchild, I admit, in the excitement of her being the first child in our friendship circle, and I then felt I had to treat all of them equally, whether that was with time or money.

I will cut back on the gifts, I think, although then the guilt will no doubt be replaced by a different kind of guilt given I will still be involved with the first Godchild.

If they're all under 5 then just become forgetful!
I thought they were older early on in the thread and was going to suggest sending a card and a favourite book for birthdays/Christmas , really no need to spend much! For me it is about my Dds having a relationship with another adult I respect with similar values. It isn't about the religious aspect even though each Dd have one Catholic godparent as required, and actually needed at Holy Communions etc..

Sorry but I wouldn't expect my godchildren to remember my birthday or anything. These relationships are one sided by nature. You're the adult!

I'd be p'd off with the parents too so forget them completely but still send cards and pressies in the post. It's not the kids fault.

I'm too tired to read the entire thread but I would cut back to just sending cards. Pull back if the friendships no longer make you happy. Life's too short.

I am very close to my godmother, but then she is my Auntie. My brother never see's his and would want to. Ex wife of my Uncle.

Please don't drop them. I await a flaming but it was a promise before God which you clearly didn't undertake lightly. your importance to them will grow as they grow older. its not the material things that my kids love from their god parents. its someone to send postcards to on holiday, someone to e mail when they pass an exam or do something in their hobbies that gets them a prize. the eldest two keep in touch by fb now and its just someone else they feel they have in their corner. cutting down on the money/material presents I am all in favour of. but a little card from you when they start school or at Easter/Christmas does become special and they will appreciate it.

The whole point of being a Godparent is that you are there for the child, not the children's parents are there for you.

Those children may need you one day....but if you cut them off because their parents have been slack, that is really unfair.

Whether you have taken communion or not lately is nothing to do with your God children. That is your issue.

All that is needed is a card and a very small gift. If the parents don't like the small gifts, then it serves them right for choosing you for materialistic reasons.

Do your godchildren know when your birthday is? The only one of mine I have ever known is the one who is named after the saint's day he was born on. I always sent Christmas cards, postcards and thank you letters, though.

just send a card.. if the prezzie thing bothers you then stick a fiver in it. That's all you need to do.

I would ditch them totally aside from that. then as contact becomes more far apart then ditch the cards completely. Jobs a goodun.

When I was younger i wrote thank yous to my godmother but I diddn't know when her birthday is or really what she 'was' to me. Now I am married and have children and i have a wonderful rapport with her I write, e mail, send her small gifts at christmas and I am thankful that she has played a part in my life - I think she would have been there for me if I had needed her now she is older I hope I can be there for her.

If the parents can't be bothered with you incredible life changing events then don't bother with theirs. Unfortunately for you god children their parents sound very self absorbed.

Just to give a different perspective my sister agonised over the fact that she didn't invite her god parents to her wedding as they had lost touch with her over the years due to parents losing touch and moving away but she would have loved to have them there.

Also if they are under 5 can you expect the children to remember your birthdays. IIRC the vows are to bring the children up in the faith and support the parents? A long time since I went to a christening

I think it might be nice to continue giving some presents in the years between about 5 and 12 when they will be most appreciated by the children.
I only have one godchild and apart from giving her a nice christening present have been pretty useless I was young though and too busy in my late teens/early twenties to look after a godchild properly!

I'd definitely stop the gifts. I'd maybe send cards. Splitting up with a long term dp is a massive life event and one that friends would not ignore. I'd be hurt by that. I don't think the promotion and the moving are necessarily something that friends have to mark though it they tend to be interested as these are the things that matter to the person getting promoted or moving. If they didn't offer any support when you needed it I'd not bother trying to please them.

Of course I don't expect the children to remember my birthday. I did admit it was a petty point, included only because it really illustrates the one-sided nature of the friendships.

The Godchildren's parents never forget to text and remind me about their children's upcoming birthdays; has it really never occurred to them that I might have birthdays too? Incidentally, I do text on the parents' birthdays. Google Calendar makes it easy enough , why is it beyond them?

As it happens, I don't think it's asking too much to want to receive perhaps a hand-drawn picture from a Godchild on my birthday, particularly when their parents know they each receive cards, treats and presents worth at least £200 a year from me, and that all five are mentioned in my will.

Re: the promotion. The approval process lasted a year and was incredibly gruelling. Combined with the chaos of my personal and home life it honestly nearly killed me. I got through it with the help of my siblings and friends. Again, is it really asking too much for someone who asks you to take religious vows on behalf of their child to give enough of a shite to text and ask how you are feeling?

Last night I was feeling so sad and guilt ridden; today I'm just angry. I'm being taken for a fool by eight grabby fecks and I'm tired of it.

Oh, and once again, I've had a big fat from God in the way of guidance .

I thought the role of the god parent was about caring for the children's spiritual needs? I think its a role whose true function has all but died away.

No need for angst, I would just send cards this year and let the contact gradually peter out.

Much of the angst is religious in nature - and as all the lapsed Christians know, there's no angst like it . Am I the sinner here? Should I turn the other cheek? Suffer the little children. Etc.

.

I don't mean this harshly but it was silly and short-sighted of you to take on that many godchildren. If any of my friends asked me to be godparent to their child I would be flattered but say no- ?it is a big commitment and I have enough going on in my own life. That said you have made a promise to those children so it's not fair to punish them for their parents' thoughtlessness. It seems to me that by bestowing upon you the great honour of being gm to their kids your "friends" think they have done you a great favour and don't really view you as a friend.
200 on a present for an under 5 is nuts.

Also I would have a bit of patience in case they're a bit overwhelmed as personally I have young children and feel in a tunnel of coping rather than managing to do much more or reach out to friends. I have explained this and they have been extremely understanding. Similarly when any of my friends aren't in touch with me (4 of those whose children are my godchildren) it doesn't affect how much I love them as I know they have their hands very full and we're still as close and excited to catch up when we can.

I know ignoring your big life changes isn't excusable but I can relate to not being there for friends in the way I was before children as some find it easy and others (I have tiredness issues) get overwhelmed and could this ever be at the back of it?

No, not £200 on a present - throughout the year. Though of course it's daft. A ticket to the ballet at Christmas costs £40 each but TBH it was worth it to see the joy on their faces. Lunch costs £20 even for a child. It's London living, I'm not actually that extravagant as a proportion of my income.

It isn't the money as such that bothers me - I can afford the five Godchildren no problem. It's just that all the effort is being taken for granted, as you say, by people who seem to think they're doing me a favour.

Pancakes That is a good perspective, thank you. I do have other friends with broods of children who maintain friendships, which is part of the reason I want to concentrate on them and their children in future.

I have three godparents. My mums brother, dad's sister and mums friend. Mums brother has always been very good to me and is involved in my life still, dad's sister was involved when I was little but lost interest as I got older though I do still see her occasionally, and mums friend has disappeared off the face of the earth, I've not see her in years.

I would step back and focus on the children who appreciate what you do for them.

Spending 200 a year on each godchild??? I don't even spend that much per year on my own child! And why on earth would you have told the parents the godchildren are in the will?? I think you have yourself to blame by attracting money-grabbing parents by showing such largesse to your first godchild.

Do as everyone suggests and cut down spending to just sending a card for birthday and christmas. To avoid resentment you'll need to do that to your fifth godchild too.

I moved away from all this a long time ago. I was a dutiful godmother and never forgot birthdays, special occasions and was always generous. In return, the mother ignored the death of my mother, my daughter's early pregnancy and the fact I was left bringing up my grandson. Once when I sent an expensive gift and had no response, I rang to see if she had received it. Her mother actually blamed her then five year old daughter saying how rude she was not writing me a thank you note!

My own daughter pointed out that although it was not about material things, both my girls had never even been bought a packet of sweets by my goddaughter's mum on the numerous occasions she turned up at my house and I fed her whole family.

Just move on and don't feel guilty. You have done your best.