I want to 'resign' my Godchildren

[thesaurusgirl]

Long and strange post coming up. Not something I can discuss with people in real life as I feel slightly ashamed.

I was confirmed at school. I love the ritual of worship and go to weddings, funerals and baptisms, but I haven't taken communion for nearly twenty years. I continually wish I still had my faith, but it seems to have petered out in adulthood. Now I would really describe myself as an agnostic.

Nonetheless, I am a good Godmother to five children. I make a fuss of the children when I see them, and sometimes take the older ones out to treats such as lunch or the ballet. I give generous presents at Christenings, generous presents for Christmas, and generous presents for birthdays.

In the last year, I split with my long-term partner, finally got a big promotion, and moved into my own place.

The parents of four of these children barely acknowledged these massive life events (all of which were incredibly stressful and upsetting at the time, although I'm now finally reaching the point where I can see they were all for the best). None of them have made plans to socialise with me at events that do not involve their children.

Their indifference has left me feeling hurt, sad, embarrassed and resentful. All bar one of the friendships have long been social rather than close, but now they just seem totally one-sided. I feel I've been manipulated into maintaining these empty friendships through the Godmother relationship, which is rather lucrative for them but gives me little pleasure.

Frankly, there are other children in my life that I like more, and whose parents have closer relationships with me. I'd now like to concentrate my time and energy (and spending!) on them, not on people too selfish to even bother texting me to ask how I am in tough times.

The birthdays of two of my Godchildren are coming up shortly and I'm sorely tempted to 'forget'. I do receive thank you cards, but not one child - or their parents - has ever remembered my own birthday. Petty I know, but it just emphasises the one-sided nature of the relationship. I want to quietly drop their parents, and the parents of the other two, from my social circle.

But part of me - schooled in the Church and still beset by religious guilt now and then - is agonising. It is wrong to punish the children because I'm upset with their parents, isn't it? I'm angry at the materialistic nature of this relationship, but perhaps I have encouraged this by being so generous?

Yet I'm finding it hard to accept the hypocrisy of maintaining meaningless friendships too.

Oh God what do I do?

I forgot the embargo on money talk in AIBU .

I recognise it's a lot of money, but it's not really such a lot of money to me IYSWIM. We all live within our means, I can afford to be generous.

I felt I would have been a bad Godmother to treat them all differently.

Agree with a card and downsized gifts. Love the idea of buying a goat or meaningful book. Sponsor a child? 'Bible stories for young children' or similar.

When I asked my friend to be Godmother for my dd she initially declined saying she couldn't afford it! I stressed that this was not a requirement for a Godmother.

Oh Elsie that's awful, you must have felt so let down.

It always hurts not to have your care and kindness reciprocated, and here it's a double hurt because of the religious underpinning to the relationship, pushing all kinds of painful buttons.

I have a friend who I met at work. We were at one point extremely close. I left. I changed jobs. I've since had kids and she's GM to both dds and executor of our wills.

Thing is when we do talk it's as it was. However I'd be mortified if she felt at any point like giving up. I barely saw her recently. She's just had a baby too. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than have her more in our lives but she lives other side of London. Time and family get in te way of better intentions.

It's interesting to read your perspective. If your friendship had altered that much then maybe. Tbh there's issues in the friendship. And I'd be very hurt if it wasn't broached as a subject because our friendship once meant so much til life got in the way.

I think you are right, your generosity has been confused with being a godmother- if they genuinely want you to carry on, they have to appreciate you as well as accept what you are offering, which may not be money/gifts but a relationship.

I would downgrade your gifts considerably, because this is confusing the issue- and keep up a relationship of sorts with all of them, even if it just be a friendly card on birthdays- as they get older they may want to come and stay or have some other contact with you.

It is common for godparents to drift off though, my dd's godmother hasn't seen her since the christening! She is truly spectacularly rubbish, and I wouldn't recommend that way, but you seem trapped in this very bountiful role- I would scale back expectations now and also accept that it is very unlikely that you will be equally close to 5 children, also if you have your own it's unlikely you will have the time or the inclination to do so. That doesn't mean cut off all contact with the peripheral ones, just keep in touch in a smaller way so the relationship can be resurrected if necessary later down the line.

I have also found, though, that many friends have got absorbed in their own lives and either don't have the time or the energy with small children to care an enormous amount about others. I haven't dropped them, though, as these things ebb and flow over the years and I've kept up some good friendships that are ticking over rather than being very intense. I get you are hurt they didn't take notice of your big life changes, I've had similar situations with my friends in the last few years, but I wouldn't cut them out unless they were actively mean or disrespectful, as I love to still see them every now and again. And, I don't do any friends birthdays now, nor do my other friends remember mine. I wouldn't see this as an issue- not wanting to meet up with you on your own is more of an issue.

I think it depends on how you view the role of Godmother.

I'm not sure it is absolutely clearly defined. However, I see it having some kind of connection with being a mother in, the sense that it is unconditional. As mothers, we don't stop loving or interacting with our children because they are selfish. Most children are selfish some of the time.
It is annoying and inconsiderate of the parents not to be in touch with you. It probably says something about how they view the role of Godmother. Personally, I do see it as a spiritual thing. I have God children and see my job as to be to pray for them and importantly to build relationships with them. This becomes easier as they get older. With one of our Godsons, my husband emails him fairly regularly about a shared hobby they have. We rarely see the parents, partly due to distance. My husband is building a genuine friendship with his Godson. He does send presents related to the hobby, but it is not so much about this. As time moves on, I feel their relationship will grow.
I have adult friends who still have close relationships with Godparents. They see them as trusted friends and advisors, not sources of gifts.
Being a parent of any sort is not really about you and what you give being reciprocated, although it is lovely when it is.
Would it work to cut down on gifts and wait until they are a bit older and try to find ways to build the relationship. I appreciate this is difficult if the parents don't value the Godparent role. Would it help to have a conversation with the parents about how they see it.....or even about the hurt you feel about their treatment of you, which seems to be the big issue for you, rather than the Godparent role itself.

Could you put the money you would spend on presents into an account, technically for them but that you can access/legally still your money, and if you are still part of their lives at 18/21 whenever, you can give it to them? If not, treat yourself/donate to charity/whatever.

That may absolve your guilt for not sending anything and hopefully the parents may start to step up on the friendship front in time.

Some good kind advice here, thank you. Balm for a troubled soul.

Religion complicating everything as usual.

As someone said upthread, the parents have been very self-absorbed and that is very hard to forgive when you yourself have made time for their children (and them) in difficult times.

They are poor friendships and I'm not obligated to maintain them.

So that's that. Token presents and no more treats for the Godchildren, and maybe let the friendships with the parents die a natural death unless they take active steps to save it.

Thanks everyone .

Meant to say, also still send cards so you are still keeping in contact with your godchildren and giving them an opening to keep in contact with you when they are older?

Yes, I will continue to send cards Mrs Bear.

And say ineffectual prayers on their behalf so that God might teach them things their parents haven't!

A final thought. I have a single friend who has lots of Godchildren. She says she has spent the last 15 years of her life buying weddi g gifts, new baby gifts, christening gifts and gifts for Godchildren. Because she is single, she has never received any of these kind of gifts and so the gift buying does seem very one way. I know she feels that most of these recipients don't remember her birthday or acknowledge the big moments in her life, like work promotions, because they are so wrapped up in the way their lives are progressing.
It is selfish. Mums on here need to recognise not everyone is a parent and remember to value and acknowledge our single and childless friends. The single and childless also need to try to not take it so personally I think....because it rarely is personal. Doesn't stop it being hurtful though.

If you see being a Godmother as just an extension of frriendship (and many do these days) then if the friendship has had it's day, due to your life and theirs not being compatible anymore, then move on. If you see the Godmother role as more than just a friendship issue, keep plodding on and see it as a form of unconditional love.

Since when is it a right of children to get a gift from every adult they come into contact with?

Boohoo if the kids get upset that their godmother hasn't got them a gift - their parents shouldn't be letting them expect that. I don't think that the godparents thing was intended as a way of getting extra gifts

I'd cut down. Send a card. If the parents ask why, tell them the truth - as they can barely manage to contact you throughout the year you didn't think they were bothered.

I do agree. GM honoured the friendship we had. That does not mean it can stay the same intensity. I certainly wouldn't expect money to be spent. I'd rather dds had cards and time when able.

I think these relationships evolve over time.

I mentioned my husbands Godson earlier. My husband has little contact with the parents now, because they are very busy and tbh can't really be bothered to make much effort with us. However, my husband has a relationship with the boy and that is a source of pleasure for them both. When the boy was very young, there was no real relationship and tbh my husband rarely remembered his birthday etc.
Do you want to have a lo g term relationship with these children? That is the key question I think. If so, forget the presents, but what about more frequent postcards and little contacts, which are age appropriate. Agree that the relationship with some is likely to be closer than others. At this stage, you can't know which may flourish.