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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my DM giving money to my DB

43 replies

lullabybaby01 · 20/02/2014 08:44

Ok I'll try to be as brief as possible.

My mum retired a couple of years ago. For the past year I have been supplementing her pension by giving her £150 a week. Why? Myself and my partner are comfortable (not loaded) and my business is going well. DM has always worked hard until she retired and I wanted life to be more comfortable than her having to get by on her pension alone. I am doing this to make her life easier basically, and have told her my reason. Recently (OK - forever) my DB announces he is struggling financially whilst he is setting up a business of his own. My mum has offered to lend him over £2k which is money she saved from what I have been giving her. I feel upset and annoyed about this but haven't said anything yet as she would be upset if she thinks I am! I was m

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

Original poster

lullabybaby01 · 20/02/2014 08:45

Sorry pressed to soon - I was more than happy fr her to be saving the money fr a rainy day / home improvements etc - I just wasn't expecting it to be going to someone else!

OP posts:

DarlingGrace · 20/02/2014 08:47

I understand why you are annoyed - but unless you gave her that money with strings or conditions, then it is her's to with as she wishes

tripecity · 20/02/2014 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/02/2014 08:50

Well iof it's a loan, hopefully it'll be paid back!

Perhaps give her less money if she doesn't need it & put some aside to help her in the future if you want to be in control?

serenshiningstar · 20/02/2014 08:52

You must be pretty comfortable if you can lose £600 a month!

PansOnFire · 20/02/2014 08:52

I understand why you'd feel annoyed at this, but she is acting with the same reasons as you. She wants to make sure her family are ok, and it's not 'somebody else' it's your DB and he's trying to make a go of things for himself. I wouldn't be mad if it was my brother unless there is some reason why you think he would just waste the money. My DM would give away everything she had to make us happy, she doesn't see the point in spending money on her self and we have to force her to. Don't be annoyed with her, she's trying to do a nice thing.

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2014 08:53

If it is clearly surplus to her requirements - and it is, as she saves it - I'd stop giving it to her now.

Yanbu to be annoyed.

FuckyNell · 20/02/2014 08:53

Why would she keep taking money off you when she's just stashing it? And then giving it to your brother?! Dear oh dear. I'd be very upset indeed.

Does your brother know it indirectly came from you?

YellowDinosaur · 20/02/2014 08:59

To whoever said unless it was given with strings then it's her mum's to do with what she likes.

Yes, that's true. But in the op position I'd be telling my mum that I gave her the money for her and that if she gave the money to db then I'd so giving it to her since she clearly doesn't need it.

Yes, she wants to help her son. But she wouldn't have been able to without the op. If be pretty pissed off in this situation too

Original poster

lullabybaby01 · 20/02/2014 09:02

Hmm ok so mixed responses here.

No my brother doesn't know it came indirectly from me.

I do want my brother to be successful in his own life and strange as it now sounds, if he had asked me for a loan and I was able to I would have given it to him.

And no we aren't loaded (although £600 a month is a lot to give away I guess) - we just work all the hours under the sun (my DP has his own business too) and so we don't actually spend anything ourselves apart from general living expenses.

OP posts:

petalsandstars · 20/02/2014 09:02

I would be annoyed too and perhaps consider saving the money myself in future so it's there if needed

PorkPieandPickle · 20/02/2014 09:02

Sorry, but I would just tell her I'm not giving her the money anymore as she clearly doesn't need it if she's giving it away!!

Original poster

lullabybaby01 · 20/02/2014 09:04

I do appreciate the different viewpoints as its so hard for me to know if IABU to be annoyed in this situation so thank you!

OP posts:

HarpyFishwifeTwat · 20/02/2014 09:04

YANBU at all. In fact I think you're being very calm and rational a about it all. In your circumstances I would stop giving your mum cash at all. Why not offer to buy specific things such as a new TV or a holiday instead - that way you can still help to make her retirement more comfortable.

diddl · 20/02/2014 09:05

And start saving some for yourself for when you do have time to spend it!

myron · 20/02/2014 09:07

Stop payments to your mum - she clearly doesn't need it if she is saving it! Instead, loan the amount to your brother, making clear that it's a loan - make it interest free to help him out. Talking as a family and making it open will breed less resentment. You don't want to get into the scenario of 'helping' your mum financially only for her to pass it straight onto your brother. Just cut out the middle man! Is there any reason why your brother cannot get a commercial loan?

LessMissAbs · 20/02/2014 09:08

YANBU. I don't see why people are saying it was given without strings for your mother to do with what she pleases. It was given to help your mother out, to supplement her pension and make life easier for her, and this was made known to her, not to be lent to your brother.

Two entirely different purposes. I think you should speak to the brother and make him pay it back. Its unethical of him to take money from a struggling pensioner. Do you think he has put her under pressure to give it to him?

He is an adult male. He can find other ways to grow his business.

Cringechilli · 20/02/2014 09:09

Yanbu. The money was clearly for your mum.

But I'd stop giving it. You need to save it for yourself. You say you are not loaded but if you save £600 a month for yourself, you will be loaded soon

MunchMunch · 20/02/2014 09:11

YANBU

I would also stop giving her money, why is she accepting it if she doesn't really need it?

PicaK · 20/02/2014 09:12

Ah, so neither you or your mum are good at spending it on yourselves, only giving it to those you love! She's probably saved it all in case she needs to lend it back to you.

If she's not needing the money to live now it might be better to sit down and discuss if she needs this. Would it be better to save it elsewhere and help her in the future. If the savings are in her name will it be a problem if she needs sheltered housing later on or inheritance tax etc. (No idea - but financial bods on the money section will have good advice)

Don't get cross with her - but do discuss. And give yourself some treats too.

WooWooOwl · 20/02/2014 09:12

YANBU.

Stop giving your mum money that she doesn't need, and if you want to help her take her clothes or food shopping sometimes instead.

StrawberryGashes · 20/02/2014 09:12

Yanbu at all, I agree with the others who suggest stopping the payments to your mum. Save up instead and then if she is ever stuck you can help her out.

sleepyhead · 20/02/2014 09:14

If I were your mum and my ds needed financial help, and I had the money then of course I would give it to him. And it would make me feel very happy.
Stop the money by all means, but YABU to think you can dictate how your mother finds her happiness with your gift. Maybe feeling like she can still help out her family makes her happier than a new suite or similar.

ProfPlumSpeaking · 20/02/2014 09:14

It is very natural to be upset, but U to be annoyed as you gave the money freely. It is simply a risk that you take with gifts, especially of money. My mother is the same, oddly, and "lent" money to my feckless brother when we had been giving her cash to help her out.

You have to remember when you give/lend money that it may not be spent as you anticipate. Lending/giving money does not give you control over other people's lives, and indeed you wouldn't expect it to. Just because you have been generous to your DM does not prohibit her from being allowed to help out another child of hers. But it does imply that she didn't need the money and I would stop if I were you, and simply buy her holidays/ a car/ a dishwasher as and when if you want to help her out.

Morgause · 20/02/2014 09:15

YANBU explain to your mum how you feel. And stop the payments, she obviously doesn't need them.

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