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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?

116 replies

Imforeverwashingbottles · 18/02/2014 20:55

DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.

I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.

To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.

MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.

WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 19/02/2014 15:59

If you intend to have more children you shouldn't give away or lend out your baby things unless you want to. Just say no because it isn't what you want to do. I got lots of lovely baby stuff from somebody because her sister would certainly not be dressing her precious child in second hand clothes. So that's the other extreme.

SelectAUserName · 19/02/2014 16:04

To SIL: "Hi, just heard that MIL seems to think she has promised half of our baby stuff to you. Bizarre! Not sure where she got that idea from, she certainly didn't ask or discuss it with us. Thought I'd best mention the mix-up now, while you've still got plenty of time to source it elsewhere."

To MIL: "Just to let you know I've cleared up the misunderstanding with SIL about her getting some of our baby stuff, and she knows now that it's not happening."

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 19/02/2014 16:10

I don't think she should say its because she wants them for next child,they will be snatched from her on the promise they will be returned....

eggsandwich · 19/02/2014 16:42

My MIL said the same thing to my sil even before she was trying for a baby, sil said that she really liked a certain outfit my ds was wearing, MIL piped up that I'm sure she'll give it to you when you get pregnant. I was so pissed off I said to MIL after sil had gone, firstly If I have another son then I will want that outfit and secondly don't go offering my stuff to people.

SybilRamkin · 19/02/2014 17:18

What did your MIL say back, eggsandwich?

Davidhasselhoffstoecheese · 19/02/2014 17:38

Tell them you have lent everything to a distant cousin or close friend and you

anothernumberone · 19/02/2014 17:43

Tell MIL
'look I really uncomfortable discussing my sex life with you and I never foresaw the need arising but DH and I have been at it like rabbits, did you hear me mil like rabbits, to try to have number 2. Last time he was home we went at it so hard I thought he was trying to get the girl next door pregnant.

Sorry for putting you in the thick of our sex life mil but I guess that is what happens when your poke your nose into your son's sex life.'

See how that works.

exhaustedmummymoo · 19/02/2014 17:49

Don't do it. 1) you want another baby 2) you probably have an emotional attachment to the stuff. I think mil was wrong to make assumptions.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2014 17:50

" I won't mention it unless they do"
No, no, no, no! Not mentioning it will be taken as agreement, and MIL will continue on her unreasonable way!

"I will definitely use the excuse that DM wants the crib for a friend, the crib is the most sentimental item of the lot."
Again, no, no, no, no! That just opens the way to 'if your DM can have the crib, then SIL surely can have the rest'. You're handing her a Get Out Of Jail Free card if you take that tack.

It sounds as if it is very early in your SIL's pregnancy, presumably your MIL is very excited and so her mouth has run away with her. But it is not her stuff, so she doesn't get to decide it's fate.

I know you said you have trouble saying 'no' - how about a different tack? Tell MIL the truth - that you are upset that she has offered your things to SIL, without considering whether you still wanted them for further babies. That they have sentimental value. If the woman is worth a damn she will apologise and backtrack. If not, then you MUST say no to her. Or give up some talktime for your husband to say no.

If you let this slide, you'll be expected to provide SIL with everything outgrown, it will be never-ending.

Xenadog · 19/02/2014 17:53

We had this last week when DP's mother told me we were giving our outgrown baby clothes to her friend's daughter. Only wanted the neutral clothes as they don't know the gender yet. Was told that when DP's visited again the week after with the car they would take them then. This was after I had told her twice we were giving them to a charity. I was gob-smacked.

We just bundled the clothes and took them to the charity ignoring what his mother "told us" we were doing.

OP I suggest you tell MiL you are hanging onto the clothes full stop. If she asks why state that is what you want to do and leave it at that. No explanation needed. No need to speak to SiL about this as it's down to MiL. I suggest keep it low key and don't get into any discussion about this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/02/2014 17:53

And when I say 'outgrown', I want you to think of SIL hovering over your DC like a vulture waiting to pounce on anything she likes the look of Grin.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/02/2014 18:04

I wouldn't say a thing, despite lots of advice here to the contrary. MIL promised something that wasn't within her gift to give. Let her deal with SIL. If SIL asks you, tell her MIL must be confused. If MIL asks you, tell her no straight - they're on hold for baby number two. End of.

Osmiornica · 19/02/2014 18:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caketinrosie · 19/02/2014 18:21

Noooo! How terrible a quandary! I totally understand how you feel, my mil did the same to me over my ds1s first christening robe. I was horrified but was too chicken to refuse. Thankfully dsil had a boy and refused turned up her nose at it but she still kept it for years and then claimed to have lost it. By then I had grown a pair and insisted on clambering into the attic to find it. Grin
Just say no and make comments about how new mums love new stuff and I knew you would be horrified at the idea blah blah blah Wink

Beccadugs · 19/02/2014 18:30

I think you ought to tell them no now.

BIL promised us loads of stuff. When I spoke to SIL she didn't want to get rid of it. Fair enough, but I was pretty glad I knew weeks ago, not when I had no time to find my own stuff!!

ZenNudist · 19/02/2014 18:54

Second what everyone else says about being firm & saying no now.

If it's any incentive I've just had ds2 and it's been great to have all of ds1's things. It's mAde the crushingly large investment in ds1's stuff feel much more bearable & worth it.

One of the few things I had to buy was new summer maternity gear as I'd 'lent' it to a friend. I also had to buy a baby bath as same friend saw fit to pass the bath I lent her onto other people. Only lend what you're prepared to lose. You're going to feel v.bitter buying this stuff a second time.

Also if SIL lives a long way away good luck getting any of it back when you need it. By then she may well have lent it to another friend or be using it again herself!! If she's a brat she will have no qualms about not returning your things.

MaryWestmacott · 20/02/2014 13:04

I agree with the others, you should say something now, otherwise what will happen is when it gets closer to her due date and when they then ask for them and you say no, the story within the family will be that you let them down, not that you never said you'd lend it in the first place. The fall out from that will be much larger than saying no now.

Do not put it off, putting off this sort of conversation makes it worse when you do have it.

The fact that SIL is likely to be a bit of a drama llama if you might 'upstage' her by having another baby, then you could use that, say something to her like "I really didn't want to tell MIL that we're trying for another baby because I thought she'd get all excited and it might overshadow your baby, and it really wouldn't be fair for us to do anything that might look like we're trying to upstage you, so you see we don't want to lend out our baby things because we don't know when we'll need them back. I think it's best we keep this between us and just tell your mum you don't want to borrow them, I really want to keep all the family focus on your little baby, so exciting that DC1 will have a cousin!!"

SilverOldie · 20/02/2014 13:39

What about putting all the items away and telling MIL/SIL that you have already loaned them to a friend?

That way it won't start a big row and your things are safely tucked away for your next baby.

IDontDoIroning · 22/02/2014 06:29

It's really up to you.
You have to weigh up
A- the upset to sil now by saying "no I'm keeping all my baby things"
Or
B your upset when you need your things back and they are either ruined, broken, sold or sil hasn't finished with them so you have to buy new

Which is more important to you your feelings or sils?

thegreatgatsby101 · 22/02/2014 07:12

I don't really get it.
Within our family we pass things along/around to each other. If things get stained or ruined, well that's how it goes.

It's wrong for your MIL to assume, but I think passing things along is a lovely thing to do for a child that will be your niece or nephew.

I think it's a bit daft to be sentimental over a few vests and sleep suits tbh.

brettgirl2 · 22/02/2014 07:29

OP you need to understand what is going on here. mil is treating you all like children. sil is obviously used to this as she clearly behaves like a child. I call it being 'organised' and it drives me mad. If mil is nice she will understand. If not you have underestimated her niceness.

You say no, WE want to keep them. End of. I wouldn't say about another baby because it is none of their business.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 22/02/2014 07:33

Say no. We were told we were nuts to keep after dd1 (now 3). But dd2 came along quite quick and the stuff was all washable/cleanable and what wasn't we then sorted and gave what didn't work to charity.

I was very connected to some stuff too. I'm not this time. No1 is quite different to no2 time. Both lovely just very different experiences.

Good luck, say no!

MaryWestmacott · 22/02/2014 07:36

Thegreatgadsby, I don't understand your view, so the one with the first dc pays for everything, then everyone else gets to use and ruin it, so when they have their next dcs the first couple who bought everything has to buy it all again? The issue isn't over a fiver pack of vests, but crib and all the baby equipment, and she's not finished her family, and SIL has a habit of destroying lent items, in the ops case I wouldn't lend things because I know I'd need to replace them all when dc2 came along. Rather different to handing over stuff you won't use again.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 22/02/2014 07:38

The greatgatsby, it isn't daft it's how she feels. A lot of people do feel this way about very small things.

Op you could get them made into a blanket? I meant to. Still in a box. Time has meant I'm less attached and my box has gone down 3 sizes to just the very key things now.

I also don't have room now she's bigger either. There's tons of other stuff to keep!

IDontDoIroning · 22/02/2014 09:07

Thegrestgatsby she's not talking about a few vests it's all her stuff including some really nice and expensive items (wonder why mil/sil want them hmmm)
Any anyway just because YOU didn't mind doing it (although I do wonder if you were no 1 in the chain or further down ) doesn't mean SHE shouldn't mind doing it.