Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?

116 replies

Imforeverwashingbottles · 18/02/2014 20:55

DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.

I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.

To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.

MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.

WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?

OP posts:
WinterDrawsOff · 18/02/2014 22:53

I don't understand why you can't just say no. Let her have a strop. Why should you care?

Original poster
Imforeverwashingbottles · 18/02/2014 23:01

Yeah I really don't understand why it is so hard to say no, I'm one of those people that want's to please everyone but not at the expense of my children. I think a fallout is unavoidable if I want to keep all our things. At least if it does go tits up we live a long way away! Thanks everyone for comments, I won't mention it unless they do but I'll keep you updated

OP posts:
Inertia · 18/02/2014 23:10

Actually if you don't mention it they might well see that as having your agreement - much better to tell them now so that they have time to get organised with buying their own stuff.

SIL can throw as many tantrums as she likes - it's your baby stuff and you hope to use it again. What happens if SIL decides she would like a second baby so she will be keeping it all ?

expatinscotland · 18/02/2014 23:31

So fuck her tantrums and arguments! Grow a spine.

'My ma bought me that. I'm not lending it out.'

roadwalker · 18/02/2014 23:33

could you just text her
'there has been some mix up over the baby stuff, we don't want to lend it out. Sorry MIL thought it was ok.'

EverythingCounts · 18/02/2014 23:36

Agree with all the other posts about saying no, but I would consider getting your DH to step in - since he has said he too is adamantly against giving her the stuff - because it avoids you being the bad guy. It's his family and he can put them straight - even better, he can say that you and he are in total agreement so it won't be happening.

Bogeyface · 19/02/2014 00:16

When my aunt was having the first GC my grandma (dads mum) made a big deal out of buying the pram. When my Uncle was having the second GC (well, his wife!) they were given a pram by her mum so GM didnt need to get one, she bought them a pack of baby vests. When mum and dad were having me GM told anyone with ears how they would buy the pram, then told mum that as Aunt was not longer using hers, that mum could have it. Dad was a bit pissed off but it seemed a reasonable idea. Except that GM then told Mum and Dad how much Aunt wanted for it. Dad, being a drip, said ok. Mum was fuming, but it was too late. Then when I was 9 months old my Aunt demanded it back from the "loan" because she was expecting again. According to mum WWIII erupted when dad said fine, but can we have our money back please because we were told we were buying from you.

Some people are amazing!

"Oh sorry, I have promised it to someone else" is always a good one. They dont have to know that the "someone" is your next child!

YellowDinosaur · 19/02/2014 08:00

What roadwallker said. Except with 'our baby stuff' rather than 'the baby stuff'. To make it absolutely clear.

SarahAndFuck · 19/02/2014 08:16

I would speak to MIL as she's the one being very generous with your belongings.

Just tell her that you and DH have agreed you want to save your things for your next baby and won't be lending them to SIL.

Tell her that many of these things were gifts from other people for you and your baby and they might not like you lending them out, especially as at the time you said you would put them away for your next child too.

And if she makes a fuss, ask her how she would feel if you offered her bed, her clothes, her dining table and lots of other smaller items to someone else you know without asking her first and then presented it as a done deal she had no choice in.

Is it possible that your SIL wants those things just because they are your things? If she's the type to cause a fuss because she's the older sibling so you should have waited for her to have the first grandchild then she's the type to want your stuff just because it's your stuff.

Is it possible SIL has assumed you will lend her the things and your MIL has gone along with it because she's used to everyone giving SIL her own way.

girlywhirly · 19/02/2014 08:46

Do not be bullied into lending or giving away your baby things, especially as you know they will not be looked after or even returned at all. As it was MIL who raised this suggestion she should be told that you won't be lending or giving away any of them and DH repeat the same. And he can tell SIL, saying their DM had no right to just offer other peoples stuff without their permission, because SIL might have thought it was OK with you and DH. I think you need to tell them in case they just turn up with a van/truck!

Sometimes the damage to items can be thoughtlessly caused even if the borrowers normally looked after things, as in the case of a crib that I loaned to a cousin. They stored it in their damp garage along with the fabrics when their baby had outgrown it, and there were patches of black mould on them. Fabrics I had made myself for the custom made crib made by my Dad. They had looked after it fine with their elder child, but were living in a different house then and it was stored better when not in use.

Consider whether to move certain items to your Mums to be stored until you need them. However I would get a little bundle of bits and pieces together for SIL of things you know you won't miss and/or would rather replace when the time comes.

CSIJanner · 19/02/2014 08:58

YANBU

My DH always says to me to nt to lend anything that I am unwilling to lose. I've lost books, my wedding necklace, baby clothes, baking sets etc. if you don't want to lose them or see them be damage, you'll need to say no.

Now you just need to find a way to say no without the nuclear fall out...

Pimpf · 19/02/2014 14:50

I wouldn't leave it if I were you, I'd sort it out now, that way there can be no doubt and trying to guilt you into it when the baby arrives, you will be able to say, "I told you months ago we aren't lending our babies things"

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 19/02/2014 14:52

I'd just be pregnant when she has hers so you have an excuse not to share ;)

eightandthreequarters · 19/02/2014 15:02

You need to learn to say 'no' at some point in your life, and now's a good time to practice. Text them 'no' if you don't feel you can say it. The first one may be the hardest. Then just keep repeating it. It gets easier and easier.

Once you get the hang of 'no', it's really fun! And saves you all sorts of hassle and doormat-regrets.

Oh, and do it now. They all think it's a done deal as you're someone who can't say 'no' and the sense of entitlement will only increase with the months ahead.

Practice in the mirror, on the phone to DH, practice right here with us... 'No!' Polite but firm.

fancyanotherfez · 19/02/2014 15:19

What sort of fallout will it cause in 2 years when, as seems likely, your precious stuff comes back ruined or sold and you have to buy more stuff for your DC2? You will be mightily pissed off with your SIL and your MIL and be kicking yourself that you didn't say no in the first place. Let your SIL have a tantrum. It sounds like you don't like her much anyway. It will all blow over soon enough and if it doesn't then it's her loss not yours

MintyChops · 19/02/2014 15:20

I would definitely not just leave it or they will assume you are ok about it. Something along the lines of what Ribena or Jolleigh suggested should do it. Also if you are uncomfortable with saying something, do focus on the fact that they are YOUR things and therefore YOUR feelings are more important.

BTW your MIL is very, very cheeky and totally out of order.

MintyChops · 19/02/2014 15:33

Ooh! I also like ReadytoPop's solution!!!

DwellsUndertheSink · 19/02/2014 15:39

depending on how old your DS is.....send your SIL a text saying that you cannot lend your stuff as you have been trying for No 2 for x months, so hopefully you will be needing it yourself soon, and "wont it be lovely to have cousins close in age - fingers crossed for a positive soon".

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/02/2014 15:42

Hi SIL, I understand MIL has offered to loan you our baby things. She was mistaken in doing so and hadn't discussed it with us. Those things are not available for you to borrow. If you don't mind second hand things ebay/fb/NCT has loads if bargains. OP

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 19/02/2014 15:46

I would mention it op, she thinks she is getting a huge bundle of stuff off you, rightly or wrongly and to not say anything then dump them, isnt fair.

jamtoast12 · 19/02/2014 15:50

Yes you do need to say something or it will be assumed its ok. I'd not lend her as I found our stuff only lasted really for 2 kids so you'll end up losing out and having to re buy if she damages them. Plus it means you can't realistically have another for a couple of years!

jamtoast12 · 19/02/2014 15:51

I have to say I'm surprised either think its ok.....most people only lend or pass down stuff once their family is complete!

DakotaFanny · 19/02/2014 15:52

How does your MIL know you won't need these things again in the next couple of years? You could easily choose to have another child before they have finished using them. Bonkers!

Just say a polite, but firm, no. You have not finished with them.

monikar · 19/02/2014 15:52

YANBU

I speak from first-hand experience. My MIL used to like to buy DD clothes when she was a baby/toddler and as she was my last, to begin with, I gladly gave MIL a few bits which had no sentimental value to me (vests etc) so she could pass them onto her sister's grand-daughter. I didn't think much of it at the time until MIL bought my DD a lovely little pink anorak when she was about 2yo. We were chatting one day and MIL said 'I said to my sister that she can have DD's anorak when she's outgrown it', and without thinking I snapped back 'I didn't realise it was on loan!'. She looked startled but it took her aback - your MIL needs to realise that these items are yours to do with as you see fit.

Good luck.

Sangelina · 19/02/2014 15:57

I agree that it's better to address it now, if you say nothing they'll assume you're lending the stuff. I'd just say yo her that your MIL was mistaken and that you never said you were lending your stuff. Simple.