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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give away/lend my baby stuff?

116 replies

Imforeverwashingbottles · 18/02/2014 20:55

DH and I brought our baby things for DS1 with the intention of using them for more than one baby and with them being the things DS1 used they have great sentimental value. SIL has just announced that she is pregnant with dc1. Before I even knew she was pregnant MIL has said to her that I would give her my baby things that she has left to get, including my crib, changing table, unisex baby clothes that are all in really good condition. I don't think I am BU to not want to give them to her outright as we will hopefully need them again in the not to distant future.

I would lend them to her, however she has a history of borrowing things and never giving them back, I'm also worried that if she does give them back they wont come back in good condition as she doesn't look after her own things. MIL has said that she will arrange for my FIL to drive down in his pickup truck to collect the things (I haven't even said yes to her!) they live a few hours drive away and I am worried that they will get damaged during the journey.

To make matters worse, my DM brought us the crib, its a lovely gliding crib and she has said outright that she does not want the crib to go to SIL for the reasons above.

MIL is lovely and we usually get on really well, but I am pissed off that she has offered up OUR things. I have no idea how to tell her that I don't want to lend them to her and I don't want to cause a fallout but I also do not want to buy these things again. I also feel like such a bitch to deprive a new family of the things they need.

WIBU to just agree to give her the unisex clothes MIL brought us?

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 18/02/2014 21:47

'I'll see what I can look out for you but most of it we are stashing for the next little one'.

aderynlas · 18/02/2014 21:49

There are lovely baby things at reasonable prices at boot sales etc. Tell your dmil she can have fun looking round for bargains.

MuddlingMackem · 18/02/2014 21:53

YANBU.

And what MaryWestmacott said about maybe needing it before your SIL is finished with it. :)

Gladvent · 18/02/2014 21:54

Just say no!

You can't loan clothes to a baby. They may have explosive yellow staining poo that destroys them! Someone lent us some baby clothes, I didn't have the heart to say we didn't need them, and never used them. I cba to remember which sleep suit was which in those sleep deprived days. Just handed them back once baby had grown out of them and said thanks.

Chummiestwin · 18/02/2014 21:56

No no no, what a cheek. Mumsnet favourite 'no' is a complete sentence we are saving them fr our subsequent Chidren and want them in good condition.

gamerchick · 18/02/2014 21:59

tell her you're really sorry but you've disposed of them already/lent them to a pal or some other excuse.

Or just say not a chance.

or let your bloke deal with it and stick everything in the loft or at your mothers out of sight.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 22:01

I would be annoyed at this too.

Its a nice idea and yes - in principle its great to share within families...but sadly the reality doesn't hold out.

You hear so many stories on here where someone has lent someone something and then they have damaged/sold it and so on.

TBH you also hear about pregnant ladies wanting to buy their own stuff and not have stuff foisted on them...part of the pleasure is buying a few things!

Your sil may not actually want this stuff!
Gently point them in the direction of baby sales/car boots/freecyle and ebay.

Your mil probably doesn't realise you can get all this stuff super cheap now and even free!

gamerchick · 18/02/2014 22:01

and DON'T feel guilt.. the second hand baby market is heaving with stuff.. I mean seriously heaving. Let them sort themselves out.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 22:01

I think she has just gone into super panic/excited mode...be gentle...and gently let her down..

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 22:02

the second hand baby market is heaving with stuff.. I mean seriously heaving

Its heaving, and heaving with amazing quality stuff you can pick up for pennies too!

LittleBearPad · 18/02/2014 22:04

Definitely say no.

Fingers crossed SIL will want to choose her own stuff.

Cataline · 18/02/2014 22:06

Another voice saying YAsoNBU!! Don't make excuses or make things up. Just say no!

Original poster
Imforeverwashingbottles · 18/02/2014 22:11

Unfortunately SIL definitely wants the things, she has everything apart from the things MIL has offered up (can you believe she hasn't even had her dating scan yet!)

I just dont see how I can say no without causing an argument. SIL is not one to be reasoned with, for example had a tantrum when she found out I was pregnant because being the oldest she should have been first to have a baby so probably not a good idea to say we are having another baby soon, she will probably accuse us of stealing her thunder.

I will definitely use the excuse that DM wants the crib for a friend, the crib is the most sentimental item of the lot.

OP posts:
Pimpf · 18/02/2014 22:20

She can want as much as she bloody well likes.

Sod not wanting to cause an argument, is keeping the peace more important than your happiness. Sod that, get dh to tell her no, they're not available. You don't need to make up an excuse, just keep repeating no

bigwellylittlewelly · 18/02/2014 22:23

Just say no. Or say that your DH will speak to them. Ignore phone calls or emails or texts.

Please. Stand up for your yourself. My now estranged sister laid claim to all our baby items and I saw red, they are for my babies, however many I will have and while I will happily pass on things my children no longer need that is my decision and nobody else's.

Pistachiotruffle · 18/02/2014 22:25

YANBU. Do not lend them to her, if she's as entitled as it sounds then she will almost definitely not treat them with the care and respect that you would your own things, and you may never get them back.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/02/2014 22:30

'I will look some stuff up for you but most of it we are stashing for the next little one'.

Is perfect for your situation. Again.

knitterati · 18/02/2014 22:33

YANBU. I made the mistake of saying yes when asked to loan my medela breast pump to SIL. I've also loaned her all of DDs baby clothes, which she's passed on to her other SIL (someone I've never met or know the name of) because 'she didn't think I'd mind' Shock

Lesson learned. Never a lender or borrower be, as my Nan used to say.

Jolleigh · 18/02/2014 22:35

"I understand MIL said to get these from us but they weren't hers to offer and we're hoping to need them in the near future. Is there anything we can buy you new for the baby instead?"

And if she has a tantrum after that...

"Put your dummy back in you ungrateful mare." Grin

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 22:37

Op, in that case just say NO.

You will feel so much better to stand up for yourself, so what if she has a strop?

Why are her feelings more important than yours? you will be seething with no recourse after your house has been emptied!And then more potential for seething when the things get broken, trashed ,sold on or given away...

Just say you are really really sorry but you actually want to hang to what you have....for varisou reasons and will not be able to give it to them.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 18/02/2014 22:39

Why why why are people so afraid of other people having a strop,and yet its usually the other persons actions that are totally un reasonable and they have not worried about your feelings or your strop!

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 18/02/2014 22:43

"NO."
Tell her to check out the local fb selling pages. I have had no end of amazing stuff off of ours. 2 carrier bags of barely worn Next, Gap, French designer baby clothes for £15.
Just remember... "NO".

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 18/02/2014 22:49

Your mil was out of order to offer on your behalf..but who accepts when it wasn't even offered to you!?

Just ignore the SIL and say sorry but we're saving these for the next baby

LouiseAderyn · 18/02/2014 22:50

Sometimes you just have to let people have a strop and not bend over backwards in order to prevent their bad behaviour.

As for mil, I really do think you have to say to her that it's not on to offer someone else's property, even though she means well.

If you stand your ground these things are less likely to occur in the future because they will learn you are not a pushover.

Bankholidaybaby · 18/02/2014 22:50

It sounds like she's going to have tantrums about something or other whatever happens, so you may as well keep your stuff clean and shiny and let her get on with it. Maybe, just maybe, she'll grow up and get a sense of perspective once she has a child to put ahead of herself. If not, well, who cares? You're doing the right thing and her brother, your husband, supports you.