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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To siphon off DH's money?

79 replies

lettucelamp · 18/02/2014 18:43

DH gets paid cash and always has a lot of coins floating about (always pays with a note and just shoves change in his pocket). We've always had a small change jar, but I recently got one of those big money saving tins that you can't get into without a can opener. So I've started putting DH's £1's and £2's in there, along with some notes sometimes if I think he won't miss them with the intention of when it's full, it might pay for something nice for us; something to put towards a holiday maybe.

I haven't told DH I'm doing it, he knows I have the tin but thinks I just put the odd £1 in it, he hasn't noticed anything missing (he often gives me change for parking meter at work for example) and the reason I haven't told him is just because I want it to be a nice surprise for him. I'm not planning on running off with it.

Told my coworker yesterday though and she thinks it's stealing! That it's "his money" and I shouldn't take it.

So what do you think? AIBU? Should I tell him I'm doing it?

OP posts:

magimedi · 18/02/2014 23:01

I just find this thread really sad, that whatever your financial situation, couples can't sit down & make a plan together & one half has to resort to subterfuge.

Joysmum · 18/02/2014 23:01

I don't think it's stealing but I think it shows up financial disparity and an inability to be honest and work together which isn't what I'd want in my marriage.

If you both find that acceptable then fair play, but if not I think you need to work on fixing the problem rather than continuing to perpetuate it by not fixing the problem by reaching a consensus.

sooperdooper · 18/02/2014 23:07

I do this, DH leaves change all over the place and when I'm tidying up I'll chunk it in the coins jar, it'll be extra spends for our h

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 18/02/2014 23:08

Its not stealing.

Its pretty much "i tidied up your loose change and put it in this tin- looks like a few hundred in it, i thought we could use it for a nice treat"

Btw if anyone wants to find any loose change in my house, gather it up, count it and present it to me in a tin i wouldnt object

sooperdooper · 18/02/2014 23:10

Grr, phone!

Extra spends for our holiday, last lot bought our Christmas dinner! It's not stealing if it's going to be used for a joint purchase, DH does kind of know I do it anyway

SantanaLopez · 18/02/2014 23:10

DH and I have a coin jar too, but I dunno, I just wouldn't be comfortable with him not knowing.

Actually, I can't work out if your DH does know or not, but if I were you, I'd just say that you tidy away the loose change into the jar. You'll still get the surprise of counting it, but it's a bit more open.

elfycat · 18/02/2014 23:15

I take money out of my/our/his accounts and save it. DH can go into my purse and take £20 cash I prefer if he tells me so I don't look for the missing cash in a shop but I'm not too worried . We know each other's pin numbers (well I can remember his, but he needs to ask for mine each time). The person going to the cashpoint asks the other if they'd like some cash too.

Cash lying around goes in a piggy bank. We can both take from it anytime, the kids get to play maths with it and eventually we'll bank what's in there and put it wherever the person bothering about it wants it to go.

I get a tax rebate and put it towards his tax bill. We puts savings in my name as I'm not paying tax at the moment.

Isn't that how 'family money' works? We spend sensibly and trust the other to do the same. 'His' cash lying around is yours too and if you don't need to account for every penny in your relationship then you don't need to discuss this.

trufflehunterthebadger · 18/02/2014 23:22

You're taking money from him without telling him. That's stealing, even if you mean to do something nice for him

No it's not. Theft requires dishonesty and an intention to deprive the owner of their property permanently. Hardly the case here.

Stop throwing "you're stealing" around - it's not true, morally or technicallly

sykadelic15 · 19/02/2014 00:15

Whether it is stealing or not depends on how the other person feels about it actually. If the OP's husband doesn't have a problem with it, then no problem.

I WOULD tell him about it because that's the dynamic of my relationship. I asked my husband about it and as I suspected he would consider it underhanded and theft because he naturally assumed the money he leaves lying around in his own house (it's actually in a jar) is "safe". I have taken money on occasion when I needed quarters but always told him or asked first (depending on the situation).

~~ OP - If you don't think it would be a big deal to him just tell him that if you find any change lying around you're claiming it for this particular jar you've got sitting around because you're sick of it not having a home. You can use the money in the jar as change for parking or a milk run and periodically take out half and put it in the bank. Put it in an interest bearing account and watch it grow!

Joysmum · 19/02/2014 00:21

trufflehunterthebadger I agree. It's not theft because it's only dishonesty and not an intent to deprive permanently, just short/medium term.

Either way, speaks volumes about their respect for the partner and shows the current arrangement isn't working. Surely a good marriage is about teamwork and honesty, neither of which are apparent in this subterfuge.

trufflehunterthebadger · 19/02/2014 00:24

DH would be overjoyed if I did this. At the moment his loose change goes into TruffleHuntersFridayMondayCoffeeFund

Any loose change left lying around in this house is "Finders Keepers". you leave it, you lose it

trufflehunterthebadger · 19/02/2014 00:29

how is it dishonest ?

I can't agree that this is a sign of a bad marriage, I think some people on here are frothing unnecessarily over something completely harmless. The OP has already clearly stated that this is common practice in their household, that her DH does not mind and that she plans to do something good for the family ith it.

I am left with the conclusion that some people just argue for the sake of it.

Carry on OP, only you know how your DH would react. Mine would be ecstatic if he discovered that the loose change was going on a festive splurge rather than milk and coffees out.

BrandyAlexander · 19/02/2014 00:31

We have separate and joint accounts but it's all family money irrespective of whose name/pockets it's in. I certainly wouldn't see it as stealing.

VeryStressedMum · 19/02/2014 00:32

It's not stealing, you haven't taken it and stashed it in your knicker drawer for yourself. You're saving money for the family. I would love to be able to save spare cash but we don't have any...and fwiw if I were to find a few pounds lying around (rarely happens) I would probably pick it up and spend it on milk or something similar. I don't think of that as stealing he's my husband. The same way dh would pick up coins I wouldn't accuse him of stealing them.
I have also gone into his wallet and taken a tenner to pay for something, the only thing dh asks is that I tell him if I have taken something so he doesn't get caught short in a shop.

SayraT · 19/02/2014 08:02

I always do this. My OH and I have been together quite a while but don't live together (jobs far apart). I am doing a PhD and don't have much money. He has more money than me and often leaves coins about the place when he is here, I use them to buy my lunch and pay for badminton. I suspect he knows that I take it and leaves them on purpose.

If I had enough money to leave lying about and OH took it I wouldn't care, its not stealing if you share everything anyway!

I also keep money I find in trouser pockets etc, I look on it as a bonus for being the one who does the washing...when he starts doing the washing he can keep any money he finds in my pockets

MorrisZapp · 19/02/2014 08:11

We have separate finances and our own money despite living together and having DS. It suits us well. But even in a very 'what's mine is yours' set up, helping yourself from another persons pocket or wallet because its all shared just seems odd to me, an invasion of privacy.

I mean why stop at money, what about possessions? Do you own anything yourself or is it all jointly owned with your partner? Can he just help himself to your stuff as well as your loose change?

I'm a private person and I need my own space and boundaries.

littleredsquirrel · 19/02/2014 08:18

All depends on whether your finances are separate IMO. I don't understand at all those who are married with DCs but have separate finances. In our family all belongs to everyone (even though I earn half as much agin as DH). But I do appreciate that some people do keep things separate.

The biggest row DH and I ever had was when I discovered he had a couple of thousand pounds in an account I didn't know about. He was fairly recently divorced (although many years separated and we lived together) and so I should maybe have been a bit more understanding but even so. Its a no go area in our relationship. We work as a team.

I would have thought however that if your DH is possessive enough to want to have his own money then you shouldn't take it. If its shared family money then squirrel away!

ComposHat · 19/02/2014 08:26

Controlling behaviour. I wouldn't like it done to me. The un spoken message is 'I don't trust you to manage the money you've earned or have a say in how it is spent . '

I'll ignore the tax dodging issue. If this cash in hand money isn't declared for tax purposes you are both no better than thieves.

fieldfare · 19/02/2014 08:26

Wouldn't bother dh or I at all. He'd be over the moon that I'd squirreled enough away, similarly me with him.

We recently had to replace a car because of a serious (only the car, not to dh thankfully) accident. Dh had been saving his commission (unbeknownst to me) and so we were able to buy a new car a few days later instead of having to wait for the insurance payout.

When it's all a joint pot, and you both have each other's best interests at heart then I really don't see a problem as long as no one is feeling deprived or struggling.

GossamerHailfilter · 19/02/2014 08:43

YANBU.

I do it too - have a tin and everything.

Its our Center Parcs tin!

MaidOfStars · 19/02/2014 09:12

Op is just keeping change you find while tidying up.. prying open someone's money box when they have put the money away and have already given it a home is another thing altogether

And notes she judges he won't miss!

So why is taking money from a moneybox more serious?

Reminder · 19/02/2014 09:15

I'm going to be really boring and sensible now.

I think the whole thing is fine and suspect the DH will be pleased, but please don't use a tin, especially as you will be adding notes and expect it contain a substantial amount before it's full. Would you leave a roll of £10 notes laying around your house? Also, this is a classic example of look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves (which works!) so why not look after a few more pennies and get a (tiny) bit of interest in a savings account?

Finally I did actually LOL at someone spending money on a tin in order to save money

BuggarMeGently · 19/02/2014 09:18

I do this-it's how I save for Christmas. I do it with odd pounds in the bank accounts, too, and dump them into an ISA

VeryStressedMum · 19/02/2014 09:34

MorrisZapp, what stuff? Like my make up or clothes? If he took some of my stuff I still wouldn't say he's stealing them though if it's something I used then I'd tell him to go buy his own.
If he took my jewellery and sold it and pocketed the cash that's totally different and quite frankly you've got huge problems in your relationship.

Wantsunshine · 19/02/2014 09:39

Can't see an issue with it. Would love it if DH did this and then we had a lump sum to spend. Sounds like so e people are very uptight with their partners and money.

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