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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to tgo out with my mum

81 replies

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 13:15

Its half term. Dd wants to do beach walk with our dogs. My mother called wanting me to go with her to pet shop. Its a long walk but dd doesn't want to traipse around shops while my mother whines about her bad back. Sinuses etc. I want the time with dd. I have offereg for my dp to collect the dog food. She was fine when she called eralier but because dd didnt want to do that all of a sudden she is breathless and telling me how she has to go to bank shops etc and take her dog out because id left it too late. I normally take her dog out at lunch time so its not late. I feel like shit but just cant face it.

OP posts:

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 18/02/2014 13:17

Ignore your mum, spend time with your DD.

Does your mum have MH issues? Because your post makes it sound as if she has. The world won't collapse because you said no to your mum.

SoldAtAuction · 18/02/2014 13:24

Darling, I don't say this lightly, but isn't it about time to put your mum onto an ice floe?!

Honestly, I have read so many of your posts, stop feeling guilty!!! You do so much for her, and put up with her rudeness and childish behavior.

WitchWay · 18/02/2014 13:25

Sounds as if she's being very manipulative.

Hissy · 18/02/2014 13:29

Hold on, this is the 'Mum' that pisses off just about every single poor unfortunate bugger that comes anywhere near her, right? the one that has you running to and fro to her pharmacy cos she runs out of her meds and then hurls a hissy fit?

If so, Move home, change your number and change your name.

if not, forgive me mixing things up, but no, you don't need to drag your DD anywhere.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/02/2014 13:57

Stop answering the phone for a start.

Original poster

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 16:51

Hissy, you aren't mistaking me no :(

Well, i went for a lovely walk with my DD to the beach and my own dogs I did feel guilty and rang and offered to take her dog out - funnily enough when she answered the phone she was fine again I wouldn't mind but i went out and got her dog food yesterday, but the dog doesn't like it was starving apparently!

I don't know what to think anymore - have had a nightmare over the past few weeks, including a hospital admission where she was just vile to the staff I was mortified. I tried to get a MH assesment because i felt she wasn't looking after herself when she was sick, refused a doctors appointment one day, ambulance ride the next but my mum saw me talking to the doctors and managed to persuade them that she was fine and the dr pretty much had a go at me for interfering

I have spoken to her Dr and she said she was going to seek the advice of a psychiatrist,which i know she has done as she called me yesterday but I missed the call. Have booked appointment for thursday to discuss it.

The thing is, this is not new behaviour, she did this to my poor dad his whole life, he literally was not allowed to sit down :( She treated him like shit on her shoe, although when he became sick with dementia you could not have faulted how she cared for him - but of course she caused loads of trouble in the hospitals/care home. So i don't know if its a MH thing of a person who is so used to the world literally revolving around her throwing her toys if something doesn't go quite her way so now i am questioning whether or not i am doing the right thing getting the medics involved as 90% of the time she is perfectly capable of looking after herself, but when she gets sick she refuses to co-operate with the doctors. I have run myself ragged over the past few weeks and not one time has she said thankyou - she rang me and offered to buy me a new lap-top (which is her way of thanking me i suppose) but i refused as i don't want to feel beholden. I would rather she just said thankyou, accepted that i can't always drop everything and that she would speak to me in a manner that didn't suggest she thought i was the shit on her shoe.

Sorry, mega-rant

OP posts:

LouiseSmith · 18/02/2014 17:21

LEM - are we related? This sounds like my grandmother.

I feel your pain

Original poster

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 17:24

don't know Louise, unless of course that is your mother;s name! ;)

OP posts:

BabyMummy29 · 18/02/2014 17:26

Sounds like my mother. I had the day off work yesterday, so she informed me she'd made a Drs appointment for 9am so that I could take her as I'd be free.

No lie-in for me then - how dare I have a day off and actually want to spend it being lazy.

After being kept waiting in surgery for an hour, we had to fetch prescription then traipse round Tesco etc - I finally got home just before 12.

Hissy · 18/02/2014 18:01

So STOP!
Stop doing stuff you don't want to do.

Put your children/husbands/garden gnomes first and just be!

It really is that simple. It really is.

Get the Toxic Parents book and stop allowing the guilt they make you feel ruining your lives.

Talk to your partners and follw their leads.

WitchWay · 18/02/2014 18:08

BabyMummy I don't ever tell my mum if I have a sneaky day off as she'll be on the phone most of the day pestering.

rabbitlady · 18/02/2014 18:39

see, we have these babies, and they grow up, and they're the people we like best in the world and the ones we want to see and be with.
mine had to send me home today.
ok, ok, i won't go tomorrow. i'm busy in the morning, anyway.

TruJay · 18/02/2014 19:16

God i feel for u, my grandma is just the same, a lovely woman i love dearly who can be a very nasty, bitter, vile person!!

My mum has been her carer since she was 12 and as we got older, I am one of 3 siblings, we all got roped into the care too which was massively increased after the death of my grandad. By the age of 14 i was having major breakdowns after being kept on the phone for hours on end "where are you now? What are you doing? Oh you're in a shop, what music is playing? What do they sell there? Where is your mum? What is she doing? What this, what that? It is like mental cruelty.
As a family we were at her beck and call day in day out for years constantly under appreciated and played off against each other. I could fill an entire thread with things she has done.

In my experience u just have to cut off, my grandma no longer has my phone number and i only call her every so often of my own accord. She can still be extremely nasty to me yet now i can just shrug it off and end the call, i am no longer under her control.

you have to realise that in their opinion you and yours are not important and nothing u do will ever be good enough and never appreciated.

i don't know if your situation is as extreme as our families but u really have sympathy if so

Hissy · 18/02/2014 19:37

Rabbit? What's your point?

Do you manipulate and emotionally blackmail your dc? Do you fake all kinds of drama for attention?

Try and break up your dc relationship? Steal their children from them?

That's the kind of mother that's being discussed here, if that's you, pack it in. Go get some therapy and stop destroying people's lives.

If you haven't got any experience of any of this, step aside and give thanks to god for that, because coming on here with passive aggressive posts is a waste of everyone's time.

BabyMummy29 · 18/02/2014 19:51

Unfortunately Witchway as I'm a teacher, my mum can easily find out when I'm going to be off so I have to invent imaginary things to do otherwise she'd expect me to be available all the time

Original poster

LEMmingaround · 18/02/2014 20:18

Rabbit. I get your point. I hate to think my dd's would one day feel this way about me. Dont get me wrong. I love my mum, very much, if I didn't I doubt I'd be bothered.

OP posts:

Hissy · 19/02/2014 06:42

The difference being LEM that you actually care what your dds feel. Your mum doesn't care what you feel, only what she feels.

PLEASE get some distance? Please carry on saying no (when you want to) and stop allowing her to call the shots in your life.

Your relationship is at stake here, eventually she'll try to break it to get you all to herself. Don't kid yourself.

rabbitlady · 19/02/2014 07:56

hissy - behave! 'passive aggressive posts'? i suspect I'm not the one in need of therapy here.
its natural for your mothers to want to be with you. you are the most impactful people in their lives. sometimes we, as mothers, get a bit much.
some mothers are dreadful. i have one. but they aren't all like that.
as for 'step aside', this is a public forum, not your private conversation, and anyone can post. live with it.

diddl · 19/02/2014 08:10

Does she not take her dog out?

Could it not have gone to the beach with yours?

Original poster

LEMmingaround · 19/02/2014 09:34

rabbit, i don't really understand the point of your post, what are you trying to say to me?

diddl - generally i take her dog out as she has a bad back, i was perfectly happy to tke him out yesterday before i took mine out - we were going on a long walk on the beach and i can't cope with three dogs and my DD, also he doesn't like to walk far and will just turn on his heels and go home when he has had enough and at 60kg, its an argument i don't always win! She was just being stubborn as she wanted me to take him out right there and then rather than wait half an hour for me to give DD her lunch.

OP posts:

diddl · 19/02/2014 09:46

Was just worried about the dog!

Would it be better off with someone who can look after it?

So it's a means of you having to go round everyday to walk the dog?

What if you stop?

Original poster

LEMmingaround · 19/02/2014 09:49

i wont though, i love the dog

OP posts:

diddl · 19/02/2014 09:50

That's the catch!

YouTheCat · 19/02/2014 09:52

Lem, I want you to get a mirror, put a photo of your mum on it, and practise saying 'no' over and over.

It's great that you help your mum so much but she is making you ill. I know you don't want to go no contact because you are a lovely person and would worry. But the only person who can change the dynamics of this relationship is you. Your mum is not going to change.

Original poster

LEMmingaround · 19/02/2014 09:57

I don't really do tht much for her though Youthecat, its the bare minimum really and i am questioning whether i am just being selfish by not wanting to do more.

OP posts:

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