MIL 60th birthday - AIBU or help me get some perspective

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I've posted about MIL before. Basically, I find her a very selfish person. That's fine - she's entitled to be so.

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD. my parents are the antithesis of PILs and give us a huge amount if practical and emotional support. They are "doers". So they'll just arrive with meals and pitch in with cleaning etc. MIL sends weird passive aggressive emails saying she wants to "help" more but won't actually do anything practical. And, when she's with the DCs, isn't very good at putting their needs above hers - eg she'll have DS shrieking with hunger in his high chair whilst she has her lunch first etc.

It's MIL's 60th birthday and she wanted to have an evening meal thing. Again, she's quite entitled to have that but we felt that wouldn't be possible fir us given the age of DS in particular. And we live over a hundred miles from the PILs so it would have been a long drive home later. Staying with them isn't practical. But the main issue is that 14 month old DS needs to be in bed.

Instead, we suggested going out for lunch with the PILs as MIL always saying she wants to see the DC etc.

So it was agreed that we would travel to the PILs and take them out fir lunch. They would then have their evening do that day. Fine. We would go up and down in the day (long round trip) to facilitate this. Plus I am exclusively expressing to feed DD due to latch probs. but that's ok - it's only one day and I bought an in car charger for the expressing machine so I could sit in the car and do that.

Last night, MIL phoned DH to say that, actually, she would prefer to have her hair done in the afternoon so we would need to cancel the lunch and she would like DH to come to the evening do. The DCs and I can stay at home - ie she's not bothered about seeing them

For the avoidance of doubt, I want to be very clear that I entirely respect MIL's right to have whatever kind of celebration she wants for her birthday.

What is getting in my nerves is her self-avowed wish to see more if the DCs. Despite making no effort to come and see them and then turning down the opportunity to do so to have her hair done.

I'd quite like to say something to MIL, should the opportunity present itself, but I won't. Because at the end if the day, she's the one who choses what kind of relationship she has with the DCs.

AIBU re this

Please tell me you are not seriously going to make a video for the event??

I would remind dh to tell MIL that you are far too exhausted and busy with a newborn that can't latch to bf to even contemplate thinking about it.

I think what upsets me the most is that when she cancelled lunch on the big day itself why on earth didn't she suggest the following day - the other family would have been around - you could have all gone for brunch or something!!!

I'm sorry but at the video homage! Is she arranging it herself?!

You have a serious opportunity there, you know? Come on, we can definitely think of something heartfelt but completely fucking sarcastic for you to say to your MIL.

The meal sounds a bit painful TBH what with the video. In your place I'd stay home OP. I wouldn't want to make that journey with a new baby.

Op, be very glad that your MIL has not booked a trip to Dubai for her 60th for you,DH and child. The only person she really wants on that trip being her son but can not say. A week before the said trip she brings her home made bread to give to your DC because you feeding him bread from the shop is bad parenting[she does not work so has time to bake bread and do other meaningless . You give your child some porridge, she is only little and you are just starting to wean her, you suggest that MIL sets the bread aside for later. She then attacks you and tells you you are manipulative, you made a pass at your DH's twin brother. She says a lot before your DH tells her to leave.
As a parting short she tells you you are no longer going to Dubai because it is her birthday and she only wants to celebrate it with the people she loves. Family, meaning DH,DBIL and DGC. She later slyly asked DH if DD could come with and DH's real response was not in this lifetime. I had to force him to go.

I feel for you OP but wrt to her seeing the GC, let her do the running. The more you will try to organise meetings, the more you will be pissed off when she does not show up. Leave it up to her and if she wants to see them it has to be her doing the organising. As for your DH, he can sleep on the couch for one night and he he wants to drive back home so be it. It will be a once off. I would be very glad to stay at home with the kids while DH is with his mum[and i do only dh takes dd to visit his mum and we are all happy with the arrangement].

If however she moans again about not seeing the kids then you need to have a word. I did and ended up missing a trip to Dubai but it was worth it. She does not bother me anymore but she demanded that we paid back the money she had boooked for me and i was not happy about that.

Sorrry for thread hijack..

Gobbolino, let it go. You are working yourself into a lather over something comparatively trivial, what your mother in law might say,and trying to make a big family issue out of it. You can have a lovely family party when your baby is christened; you and your children will be the centre of attention and you can be gracious to mother in law, and assume the moral high ground. Far more satisfying.

My parents can't baby sit as they are tied up that weekend plus live 200 miles away so can't just quickly pop round

Also I don't want to leave my 4 week old over night.

We were summoned to FIL 65th. We flew 400 miles with baby and 3 year old. Then told we were going for Michelin starred dinner to which children were not invited. Then told that we plus SIL were paying.
Flights plus meal cost us £600 that we couldn't afford & our children were not even welcome.
Cannot see why they didn't just arrange lunch out that children could come too. Is still annoying me 4 years on!

blessed. - we already had to go on a cruise for their 30th wedding anniversary. MIL wanted to go in April so we basically had to have our summer holiday in April.

We got no choice as to where we went/cost or timing - even though we had to pay. It cost £4k for both of us to accompany them plus around another 1k in drinks etc as obviously PILs felt it wasn't appropriate for them to pay for anything as it was a two week celebration of their luuuurrvve.

wand - I suspect DH has been summoned as he's expected to foot half the bill for the do with SIL.

This is as well as stumping up £250 so far for half the birthday present

scrambled - so far I've got "sorry we can't be with you on your special day MIL but I'm sure your hair looks fabulous!"

I need to be the bigger person here though for DH boooooo!

If my DH had a brother I would expect them to be related! I could share more stories but it just makes me cross. Luckily after they ruined our summer holiday we are no longer ever holidaying with them again!

Why the fuck would you agree to make video to be shown at her dinner when you arn't invited to. WHat planet are they on.

If you must could you get in a many digs as possible about not being invited and MIL having her done.

My poor parents even have a segment! They've done their recording - although they had to have eleventy billion takes as they kept laughing at the preposterous of it all

There comes a point where being the bigger person is over-rated and it is time to point out the fucking obvious.

For me that point would have come when asked to pay a £1k bar bill

The more you pretend there isn't a problem, the more you have to spend time with these wankers. I'd not bother with the video.

Your parents had to do a segment?

Well. That takes the whole fucking biscuit aisle.

My DH would have refused to go to a family event - including his mum's birthday party - if the kids & / or I had been actively excluded.

It would be different if it was just difficult or inconvenient for us all to go; but if he'd been the only one even to get an invitation, he'd have said no.

I can understand your MIL wanting to get her hair done on the party day, & not necessarily wanting to go out for lunch as well. I'd have suggested another day for lunch, I think.

But as for the evening do - her choice, completely, just in the same way that it's someone's choice to exclude children from a wedding, or whatever. I respect that. But if people don't take anyone else's circumstances into account when planning their special events - even those of close family - then the flip side is they shouldn't be offended if people decide not to attend.

I think you're being very tolerant, actually, in not minding that your DH is going. And the whole thing must be particularly irritating given the comments from your MIL about not seeing enough of her GC.

I think I'd leave it to your DH, in future, to arrange visits / contact between his parents & your family. If something doesn't suit her, she can complain to him. And I'd be telling her very firmly that I wouldn't be doing a video - no excuses, no reasons, just "no, I won't be able to do that".

They're awful. Grabby, selfish bastards.

Fgs, does why does your DH let his parents treat him like a piggy-bank? They'll be turning him upside down and shoving a ruler in his arse trying to get loose change out next.

Bloody hell, OP, just read the updates about the cruise. They're taking the piss. Time for some drawing of boundaries. Hope your DH is ready to deal with this, because they sound like the sort of people who, given an inch, take a mile.

How about:
"Hi MIL! Happy birthday! We're really sorry you didn't have time to see us in today, the kids missed you at lunch, have a great party!"
All said in a very upbeat tone with a big smile.

Passive aggressive yet polite, non?

Unfortunately, the PILs have no friends. Honestly - this is true. Bar MIL having one female friend.

So, ironically, family is allegedly everything to them.

That means people like my parents get roped into doing things like this or else there would be no one on the bloody video!

Hmm, can't imagine why they have a friends shortage...

When I read threads like this I am actually very relieved I am estranged from my parents...

Well, of course they have no friends.

I have a vision of your MIL being Dame Edna and her lone friend being Madge.

Well the video is a big suuurrrpppprrriiisseeeeee for MIL. I think SIL is arranging it. I'd love to say I'm not doing it but then I think that would cause problems for DH. Therefore I need to take tit's if I may call you that! advice and go for some passive aggressive schtick!

DH is a real not rock the boat type with them. We had another 'mare with them late last year. I posted on relationships re that and got some good advice to the effect that their behaviour is basically "normal" to DH. Although, I think he does see what a pair of knobbers they are.

lucky break op! You can be tucked up in bed. Don't chase them jist ignroe emails with barely more than hmm yes, that's nice. You don't need to waste your time