MIL 60th birthday - AIBU or help me get some perspective

[Gobbolinothewitchscat]

I've posted about MIL before. Basically, I find her a very selfish person. That's fine - she's entitled to be so.

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD. my parents are the antithesis of PILs and give us a huge amount if practical and emotional support. They are "doers". So they'll just arrive with meals and pitch in with cleaning etc. MIL sends weird passive aggressive emails saying she wants to "help" more but won't actually do anything practical. And, when she's with the DCs, isn't very good at putting their needs above hers - eg she'll have DS shrieking with hunger in his high chair whilst she has her lunch first etc.

It's MIL's 60th birthday and she wanted to have an evening meal thing. Again, she's quite entitled to have that but we felt that wouldn't be possible fir us given the age of DS in particular. And we live over a hundred miles from the PILs so it would have been a long drive home later. Staying with them isn't practical. But the main issue is that 14 month old DS needs to be in bed.

Instead, we suggested going out for lunch with the PILs as MIL always saying she wants to see the DC etc.

So it was agreed that we would travel to the PILs and take them out fir lunch. They would then have their evening do that day. Fine. We would go up and down in the day (long round trip) to facilitate this. Plus I am exclusively expressing to feed DD due to latch probs. but that's ok - it's only one day and I bought an in car charger for the expressing machine so I could sit in the car and do that.

Last night, MIL phoned DH to say that, actually, she would prefer to have her hair done in the afternoon so we would need to cancel the lunch and she would like DH to come to the evening do. The DCs and I can stay at home - ie she's not bothered about seeing them

For the avoidance of doubt, I want to be very clear that I entirely respect MIL's right to have whatever kind of celebration she wants for her birthday.

What is getting in my nerves is her self-avowed wish to see more if the DCs. Despite making no effort to come and see them and then turning down the opportunity to do so to have her hair done.

I'd quite like to say something to MIL, should the opportunity present itself, but I won't. Because at the end if the day, she's the one who choses what kind of relationship she has with the DCs.

AIBU re this

yep lucky escape. smile and tell dh to enjoy and stay the night.

my mil was bloody ace so I was lucky.

also have to add in fairness it's quite normal for her to want her hair done on her big birthday and not to want to eat 2 big meals in one day.

out to lunch and dinner would make me feel sick.

however she should have said all this upfront. hope she has a good meal and your dh enjoys it and you can keep cozy and snug with dcs at home.

best outcome really.

I can't believe some of these replies.
I don't think it's unreasonable at all for her to want to get her hair done before her special party.
It isn't her saying she doesn't want you and the dc there, it is you saying that it's too late for them!!

Well, good for you that you're getting some sleep anyway.

Have to say I was impressed by the in-car charger for expressing even if you won't be using it this time! I am very familiar with in-car expressing but I could never get on with using an electric pump, only the hand one. I kept myself well covered but I can only imagine how weird I must have looked to passers-by. My pump also developed a very annoying squeak over time which added nicely to the general ambience of expressing whilst on holiday, at a social event, in a public loo, in fact, every-bloody-where.

Some more of these and these anyway cos I swear no-one realises how soul destroying it can be unless they've been through it. You can be sure you MIL won't.

I must be missing something. If I was having a dinner for my birthday I would want to look nice, quite possibly having my hair done and I would not want to eat a big lunch as well. Obviously I would be disappointed if some family couldn't make it but I don't think it is unreasonable for the day to revolve around the person having a big birthday.

If you're going out for lunch, you don't have to eat so much that you can't manage dinner!

And perhaps she could have thought about having her hair done in the morning so that she could have seen all of her GC on her bday!

diddl a woman is entitled to a life after GC, based on this particular complaint the OP is BVU. She doesn't have to go to an evening do if she doesn't want to but it's totally unfair to call the MIL out over it. The lunch alternative wouldn't work for me but I'd have said so straight out and offered to come up and take them out for lunch another time.

I'm not saying she can't have a life, just that there could be a compromise if wanted.

Am I missing something here?

All I can see is a woman planning her 60th birthday who isn't defined by her role as a grandmother.

I see her wanting everyone together with her as the star attraction - as well she should, it's her 60th!

So, she's having her hair done midday (not early morning, so it falls flat after lunch with family), then she's hoping everyone will come and have a knees up in the evening. And that she'll look fabulous.

Ok, her reticence to visit the OP needs addressing, but I reckon her 60th birthday isn't the platform for this.

Sorry OP, to me (flameproof hardhat on), you sound like you think your DC are the most important people in this equation, i.e. the 60th birthday. Therefore, I say, YABU.

I think the point is, that the grandmother is making a huge fuss about wanting to see more of her grandchildren and then makes no actual effort to see them and then turning down opportunities to see them when they arise

My MiL is like this, will tell all and sundry how much she misses her GCs and how she'd love to see more of them, and then when we do travel 200+ miles to see family for a few days, she prioritises stuff like visiting a garden centre.

Aargh, posted too soon.

It is entirely MiL's prerogative if she wants to visit a garden centre, or in this case, have her hair done, but give over with the grandmother of the year stuff and stop hassling me about seeing more of the kids

If she absolutely had to get her hair done that afternoon then fair enough , but perhaps she could have said so and then suggested another day for the OP's family to visit for the birthday lunch?

You've made the effort to take the children to see her for her special birthday, and actually she doesn't want any of you there. I wouldn't be going out of my way to make future arrangements.

As I said at the beginning of the thread i totally respect MIl's right to chose WHATEVER she wants to to do on her brithday

However, what I do not want to hear in the future is that she has been "prevented" from seeing her grandchildren. We offered lunch. If that had been a problem, we would have been happy to pop in for a cup of tea. The point is that we were willing to try and do what we could to see MIL on the day whilst fitting in around her. However, we've been relegated below a hair appointment. Which, for someone who apparently wa to to see more of her grandchildren, is puzzling and a bit hurtful for DH.

I find it interesting wink that you say that you see MIl wanting everyone together. I think you just share the same school of thought as MIL which is that her son and daughter are her family. Me and her grandchildren most definitely are not. Therefore, we're not included in the everyone bracket - this has made that quite clear

Further info tonight is that the rest of the family are staying at the small hotel where the meal is. However, they've booked all the rooms out and there is no room for DH

Presumably, MIL knew for quite a while that she wanted to get her hair done - before she accepted and cancelled our lunch invitation. So it would have been polite and kind to at least do that in advance so that DH could have got a room.

Instead, as the place is in the middle of nowhere, he will need to drive back home.

I'm actually sickened by her

Ok, Gobbolino so why not either go with your DC and DH, or if (understandably), you can't, view is as one of those parties that you will just have to miss.

Imagine if it was your 30th/40th, for example and you were having a lunchtime party, not an evening party, so your DC could be there, you'd have to presume some other guests might not be able to make it for whatever reason (working/travel/ CBA etc)

I know you say your MIL is lax when it comes to visiting you, but, I say again, her 60th is a big event, this is not the time to make the point that her GC are the main event. Better to draw attention to it with the regular, day to day GM stuff.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, I know it must rankle.

wink - have you read my previous posts? DC and I are not invited to the evening do. Therefore, it would be very rude if we turned up

I don't understand the point that you are making in your second paragraph

The whole evening do etc is irrelevant. I have no problem, as I have said through out the thread, with whatbMIL has organised. Although I am pretty sickened with them not bothering about accomodation for DH

My point is that I do not want to hear another word from MIL about her being prevented from seeing her grandchildren when she prioritises a hair apoointment above seeing them.

I see so many threads that seem to unfairly criticise MILs that i was poised for a YAbu tbh.
But YANBU.
And I think it's mean of her to exclude her SIL and GCs from her birthday do. But phew!

Does that baby have a tongue tie?

Sorry, I must have missed the fact you were blatantly uninvited. Apologies for this. How did she tell you? (keep missing pages)

I still think a 60th party, with someone who loves the limelight, is not the time to try and make MIL see sense.

Send her a hairbrush and a can of Ellnett for her birthday.

My in-laws are the same. Like to come and look at the grandkids, but not proactive and basically stand there with 2 arms the one length.

Your OP reminded me of a painful memory:

For a milestone bday of a member of DH's family (being vague here) we all went to one of the fanciest restaurants in our country. It's a small country, and this is a fancy fancy place.

DS (my PFB and their PFB grandchild) was 6 weeks old and fully breastfed. In-laws didn't want me to feed in public so made me sit in the corridor outside the dining area. Like a fucking stupid fool I did it - sat for ages feeding, crying, and missed my main course. Finally he finished and I sat eating my dinner while they were on their dessert and coffee. Really wished I'd have told them to piss off when they told me to leave. What was the point in even inviting us!!!??? Urgh!

sorry for hijack, will go off an seethe elsewhere

wink re the Elnett. DH was told on the phone when our lunch date was cancelled! To be fair, I think it's just the DCs whose are not fucking invited but obviously I have to look after them. Apparently FIL had suggested I sat in the hotel room with them. But now we can't get a hotel room anyway.

amanda - I'm coming back to my other thread to update! Yes, I think she does. I can't remember who posted but I think the issue is that she can't lift her tongue up

I'm seeing the midwife tomorrow so asking for a referral

sweet - it is quite horrid. If we went, I was wondering if I coukd use the disabled loo but the pump isn't very good battery operated. So it had to be in car charger and tits out in the car park. I'm sadly excited as just ordered myself two new bottle recepticle things.

Gobbo I remember having to BF in car at service/petrol stations, SOOOO miserable. My IL's too suggested I could sit in a hotel room with ds...why bother going!! DH offered to tag team it but why would I would to spend time with them?! dh totally understood.

Oh my lord don't get me started on my IL's!!

How nice that they made sure travelling dh had a room....er yeah maybe not.

Is dh going?

You have every sympathy but I bet she does tell everyone that she missed having the gcs with her without detailing why. My stbxMIL (hurrah) had ds to stay for a week and after the arrangements had been made booked to go away for a couple of days for a concert. She then gaily left ds with FIL whilst she buggered off. Then complains to me and anyone who will listen that she didn't get to spend enough time with ds . If anyone has the audacity to query why she went to the concert she either ignores the question or claims that she is entitled to "me time".

Her choice entirely but really off to suggest that the situation is not of her making and not to correct anyone who assumes otherwise.

Stop trying to please everyone. She is a pia so I would just send lots of photos of DCs by email and make comments such as 'won't it be lovely when DCs are older and we can pop up to see you more often' etc etc .

Then when it is all easier you can see if you feel the need to visit then.

I think you are worried your DCs will be left out of the 'beloved Grandchildren image' she puts out but personally I would stick with your own parents and fit in with DMIL as and when in the future, she is all talk and not worth the worry.

Apparently DCs and I are to make a video to be played at the event - along with others - paying homage to MIL

Would it be very bad if we all sat there with rollers in?!

I have said to DH that I will do it to prow as feel too cross tonight and my smiling looks like fang bearing

Any idea of what I should say? Obviously, I have plenty of things I would like to say!

Aaarrgghh - just reading the thread and all these hideous PILs!

Has anyone actually ever told their MIL exactly what they think of them? . In a way I'd love to. But then I think that MIL plays herself so offside that actually I can just leave her to it. I do feel sorry for DH thiugh

Why can't your mother babysit & you both go?