Inspired by the Dear Husband confession thread

[SunMakesMeHappy]

Dear DP

Im leaving you. I know you wont ever read this but your upstairs happily snoring away & im downstairs fuming, i need to get it off my chest.

Im sorry I let you & the doctors pressure me into having a medical abortion. I know our baby wasn't well & i know she would of never lived with both kidneys not working & her lungs not formed properly. Im fully aware she would of died anyway, but i cannot forgive you into what i feel was making me do it. You dont seem to feel guilty, i cry everyday because i know i technically killed our first child.

I know the 4 hours she lived were a joy, but it angers me aswell. I was told she wouldn't feel any pain, she must of bern in agony trying to breathe. And if she put up such a fight then what's to say she wouldn't of put upba fight at full term? Im so angry at you for pushing mw into doing it. Im more angry at myself for being that weak i made the wrong decision.

I feel as though you all tricked me if im being honest. Im sorry you've changed since our daughter died. You've gone from a happy outgoing man to a man who drinks too much and you've become violent.

I love you to bits but i despise for how things have become. I tell you ive forgiven you for beating me up when i was 6 weeks pregnant with our 2nd pregnancy. But when i had a miscarrige i blamed you in my head and i still do now. When we got pregnant for the 3rd time and then lost it your just not the same man.

Tonight we were discussing our daughters birthday and when i said i didnt understand somthing yiu started screaming at me, you were pissed and i was sober. You then got in my face and strangled me with my dressing gown, while you were strangling me i tried to fight you off and ended up scratching your neck. You pulled my hair and told me if i ever did that again you'd kill me. Then tried to cuddle me and told me to stop crying.

I asked you if you thought this was normal and you said im twisting things? I cant take this sort of life anymore. Im 5'4 and weigh 9st and your 6'4 and weigh 15 stone. We dont ever have "fights" we have you attacking me and me trying my hardest to defend myself without making you even more angry.

Its a shame this has come to this because we were so happy once wernt we? Its been 5 years now. Ive tried my hardest to give you a healthy baby, im sorry it hasn't happened.

But i know even with our daughter and the miscarriges that its not an excuse for the way your behaving. Ive bern there every step of the way, ive lived it babe they were my babies too. But i havnt attacked you i dont get blond drunk and start fights. And even though i blame you in my head ive never said it to you cause i dont want to hurt your feelings, isnt that bizarre? Im crying downstairs because you cant keep your hands to yourself again yet i dont want to hurt your feelings?

Im just not right am I. I dont believe im as selfish as you say i am, but im about to become very selfish.

Im leaving you soon, i have friends & family who love me. You've drove away everyone who cared about you and after strangling me tonight you've lost me.

i still love you but i need to look after myself and i deserve to not be assaulted in my own home

I wish things hadn't worked out like this, im sorry about our babies x

[MildDrPepperAddiction]

Your post just brought tears to my eyes. You have been though so much and your DP has treated you terribly.

Good luck with leaving and healing your hurt.

[Ivedunnit]

Please leave soon there is a better life out there for you and your daughter. What advice would you give your won daughter in the same situation ?

[Cravey]

Can I just add op. You are not selfish. Far from it in fact. He is the one who is selfish. This isn't about him dealing with the loss of your child darling.this is about him being a classic abuser. Who tells you that you are in the wrong. When in fact it is him. Don't worry about money. Get hold of what you can as fast as you can and then run. Run as far and as fast as you can. You deserve more than this. You really do. Tell your family the truth. All of it darling. They will help. They love you. No matter what he may have said.

[chocolatemademefat]

You love what you want him to be - not what he really is. You desderve much better. Leave. x

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Can I just jump in and say this,

A woman fleeing abuse is at the highest risk of serious injury or death at the point of leaving and within the first 6 months of doing so.

This means that leaving has to be done carefully with thought,proper planning and hopefully support.

It's rarely just a case of walking out the door and just going.

Leaving safely is more sensible than just leaving

[SunMakesMeHappy]

Thank you for all the replies x

I feel a few posters may have got confused. My daughter is not alive, I do not have any live children. If I did have children I would never let them grow up in a house like this. When i said we spoke about our daughters birthday, its her 1st birthday in two weeks and we were discussing somthing nice we could do for her birthday x

I cannot just leave - I have no where to go apart from a shelter i dont want to go to a shelter or anything. Id prefer to save up for a while but if im being brutally honest with myself i don't think I'll end up leaving. I dont know why i stay, im not happy. I just havnt got the energy for arguments & bad feeling. It lieterally drains my energy. Im weak i know, i just dont feel like ill be able to do it. And again if im being honest im desperate for a baby i keep promising myself when i fall pregant ill leave but then when i have fell pregnant ive lost them.

Everythings just one big mess & i just cant figure out where it all went wrong.

We spoke about it today, it doesn't feel like it was just last night it feels like it happened weeks ago. He hasn't apologised, hes said that I kicked him that's why he strangled me . I said I didnt kick him, I wasn't arguing about it I didnt have the energy and he went on to say he didnt mean to hurt me but if I hadn't of kicked him he wouldn't of done it.I left it at that & went & got in the shower.

I didnt kick him & we both know that. He was just trying to find an excuse to make it ok.

When i have the energy i will do it. I dont deserve to be unhappy.

Im ok thank you for asking x I don't have any marks im just achey. X

I know some of you are going to say im stupid for saying i cant leave yet ect, and yes, I am. But even the thought of going upstairs now and packing my bags is making me tired, i feel drained.

[SunMakesMeHappy]

If I take all of what little money we have he will hound me for it until I pay it back. I would rather have my own money straight up rather than have him hassle me if/when I do leave x

[SunMakesMeHappy]

I honestly never thought id be one of these woman you know. I used to be outgoing, loud & I went boxing 3 times a week. I could easily defend myself a few years back. You read stories dont you, well as you are doing now. I never thought id let it happen to me.

I come from a family of very strong woman aswell. Yet ive become weak and let someone treat me so badly. I know im not right at the minute, how can i be to just want to sleep it all away instead of running away. But again i just havnt got the energy.

[LettertoHermioneGranger]

Oh Sun. You're not weak. You're being abused, the difference is huge.

Leaving, and staying gone, is the hardest thing. It is. It is incredibly difficult. But you can do it. Recognizing you need to leave is half the battle. From the moment you step out the door, it will only go uphill, I promise you. Empty the bank accounts and see the police, contact Women's Aid. A shelter where you are alive and well is better than your current situation, and the police may help you stay in the house, with your abuser behind bars or banned from going near you.

You are strong, and you are brave. Posting here proves that. Wanting to leave proves that. Don't think, just walk upstairs, grab the documents and a change of clothes, put them in a bag, grab your purse, walk out the door. You will find the energy while you are in action. Just start, do it on autopilot.

Getting pregnant again by this man is not a solution, not one that ends with you having a happy baby in your arms and free of abuse. His violence will only escalate, and if you carry to term despite his assault, it will be even more difficult to be free of him.

[TerribleMother]

Sadly you are the only person who can make your decisions. What would you advise your daughter, if she had lived to adulthood and was going through what you are now? The sad thing is, that it's the situation you are in now which is draining and exhausting you so - but it's easy to see that from an outside point of view. Take care op.

[RealAleandOpenFires]

As an ordinary OH, my blood boils at the actions of called men & !.

As echoing other posters, empty the account. Put in to your own account c/o your parents address. Go to the Cops, Womens' Shelter and your Solicitor explain everything. Get everything on paper & photos of injuries if possible.

BTW...It the house yours, his or yours?

[RealAleandOpenFires]

Sorry that should be "BTW...It the house yours, his or joint"?

[scantilymad]

I've just read the whole thread. OP there is some excellent advice and nothing more I can add on a practical level.

But on an emotional one I know how you are feeling. And I know how it is to be so broken down you can't even contemplate leaving. Nothing anyone says on an online forum can give you the strength you are going to need to leave. But please, please do.

My heart is breaking for you. Please know what there are people who do think of you and who will support you.

[mumminio]

Leave and don't look back. You will be so much better off. For goodness sake don't have another baby with him...how would you feel if he beat up your child, or you in front of your child? He hasn't married you, you don't have children, you can leave. Go to a shelter, on the way go to the bank and withdraw some money. Don't tell him where you are. Start over. You can do it.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

It does not matter whose house it is, you are married.

If you do not wish to leave yourself you can obtain breathing space by making him leave, even if you only did so short term to give you time to think and practise being without him

[Walkacrossthesand]

Not sure OP is married - she says I thought I was going to marry this man and have children with him which can be read both ways. Stay safe, sun, you've had such a terrible time.

[londonrach]

Sending you strength op xxx

[SunMakesMeHappy]

Hello, thanks for the replies x

We're not married & we only rent. The tenancy is in both of our names. I understand what posters are saying but I honestly cannot empty the bank & leave. He will find me & he will want the money back.

Ive phoned the police on him before now & the policeman who arrested him is his dads best friend. I had marks on me but the police said they had to drop the charges because there wasn't enough evidence that he'd attacked me. I thought footprints on my ribs would of bern valid evidence but he said to police I attacked him so it was also a counter claim.

So really, if I ring the police again not much will happen. The policeman who arrested my partner is very good friends with my partners dad.I probably wouldn't get the same policeman again but I havnt got much faith in help at the moment. Saying that though a police woman rang me after the police man and said I could get a restraining order against my partner if I wanted. So maybe they would help

I can hear the inconsistancy in what im saying, I just cannot think straight at the minute.

When I feel strong enough I will do it.

I know its not logical for me to want another child with a man who hurts me. Before our daughter died we were so happy, honestly we had such a nice relationship. We were so excited to be parents, we'd been trying for two years so we were delighted when we fell pregnant. I somtimes feel if I hadn't of had a medial abortion & our daughter was here healthy then life wouldn't be like this.

I could not in any way make my dp do anything. I definetly could not make him leave his own house. I couldn't do it by reasoning & I definetly could not do it by force.

I havnt got a soliciter & I wouldn't have a clue how to go about getting onel, or what to say? Im 21 and apart from emotional upset i havnt had much expierience in anything else so a soliciter, womans aid, a womans shelter all feels a bit bewildering..
Just the thought of going into an office & expplaing to someone what's happened id making me feel sick.

I cannot and will not go to my family nor will i tell them "the truth" My mother is an enabler, shes told my partner " well SunMakes has always had a temper on her"... "I know she won't be innocent in all of this"

That was when he attacked me when I was pregnant. Since then i havnt seen much of her & i dont plan to. She didnt know about the pregnancy but i dont think that matters much.

Again though, im not stupid i know why my mum says in not so many words that its ok. She battered my dad grwoing up, it wasn't everyday, every 6 months or so. But how can she tell my partner she disagrees with his behaviour when she did the exact sane thing?

[KateMoose]

Could you go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau? They would be able to signpost you to the right organisations and give you advice on solicitors. So sorry for what you have been through. You are only 21, don't set your life this early on to be with this man. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER. It's obvious he is struggling to cope too, but being violent is not the answer and it is not your responsibility to make him better. He's burnt his bridges. Make yourself better. And yes, counselling for you is a great idea. X

[LayMeDown]

You say in your OP that you have friends and family who love you. Reach out to them. Ring Women's Aid. Go to a shelter he can't find you there. Take the money just before you leave or don't take it if you really cant. But go now. Seriously OP he will kill you if this keeps up.
DO NOT GET PREGNANT. DO NOT INFLICT THIS MAN ON YOUR KIDS AS A FATHER.
Ring Women's Aid. This is urgent.

[petalsandstars]

Please ring womens aid and get out. You are so young, you don't need to be there for another minute.

And ask for the domestic violence unit from the police. Don't accept anything less.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Would talking to your own Dr be a route you could go down to offload or seek support?

[rabbitlady]

please don't wait. go asap. cab, police, local council will all know of help for victims of domestic violence. leave your mum behind, too. you deserve a better life.

[Cravey]

Call women's aid op. They can and will help. You don't have to leave straightaway and they will help point you in the right direction. Don't just leave it as it is. Things can change. But you have to make the first steps.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

But things were not ok before your daughter died. You said he beat you up when you were pregnant for the second time?
That doesn't sound ok.
You are young, you have a future. Very soon after you have left this man you will feel your strenghth coming back.
Or you could stay, and get beaten up more, or even killed.
Make a real plan, set the ball rolling, tell him nothing. Stay safe.