Inspired by the Dear Husband confession thread

[SunMakesMeHappy]

Dear DP

Im leaving you. I know you wont ever read this but your upstairs happily snoring away & im downstairs fuming, i need to get it off my chest.

Im sorry I let you & the doctors pressure me into having a medical abortion. I know our baby wasn't well & i know she would of never lived with both kidneys not working & her lungs not formed properly. Im fully aware she would of died anyway, but i cannot forgive you into what i feel was making me do it. You dont seem to feel guilty, i cry everyday because i know i technically killed our first child.

I know the 4 hours she lived were a joy, but it angers me aswell. I was told she wouldn't feel any pain, she must of bern in agony trying to breathe. And if she put up such a fight then what's to say she wouldn't of put upba fight at full term? Im so angry at you for pushing mw into doing it. Im more angry at myself for being that weak i made the wrong decision.

I feel as though you all tricked me if im being honest. Im sorry you've changed since our daughter died. You've gone from a happy outgoing man to a man who drinks too much and you've become violent.

I love you to bits but i despise for how things have become. I tell you ive forgiven you for beating me up when i was 6 weeks pregnant with our 2nd pregnancy. But when i had a miscarrige i blamed you in my head and i still do now. When we got pregnant for the 3rd time and then lost it your just not the same man.

Tonight we were discussing our daughters birthday and when i said i didnt understand somthing yiu started screaming at me, you were pissed and i was sober. You then got in my face and strangled me with my dressing gown, while you were strangling me i tried to fight you off and ended up scratching your neck. You pulled my hair and told me if i ever did that again you'd kill me. Then tried to cuddle me and told me to stop crying.

I asked you if you thought this was normal and you said im twisting things? I cant take this sort of life anymore. Im 5'4 and weigh 9st and your 6'4 and weigh 15 stone. We dont ever have "fights" we have you attacking me and me trying my hardest to defend myself without making you even more angry.

Its a shame this has come to this because we were so happy once wernt we? Its been 5 years now. Ive tried my hardest to give you a healthy baby, im sorry it hasn't happened.

But i know even with our daughter and the miscarriges that its not an excuse for the way your behaving. Ive bern there every step of the way, ive lived it babe they were my babies too. But i havnt attacked you i dont get blond drunk and start fights. And even though i blame you in my head ive never said it to you cause i dont want to hurt your feelings, isnt that bizarre? Im crying downstairs because you cant keep your hands to yourself again yet i dont want to hurt your feelings?

Im just not right am I. I dont believe im as selfish as you say i am, but im about to become very selfish.

Im leaving you soon, i have friends & family who love me. You've drove away everyone who cared about you and after strangling me tonight you've lost me.

i still love you but i need to look after myself and i deserve to not be assaulted in my own home

I wish things hadn't worked out like this, im sorry about our babies x

[Nocomet]

I don't know much about counselling, but I think it might help you to come to terms with that regret and not let it cloud your future.

You need to believe that you can be happy and that you deserve the love of a man that treats you with respect.

I'm afraid I'm not the person to help with the practical aspects of leaving, there are many wise women on here, who sadly are.

Good luck and keep safe.

[TerribleMother]

He can't have you charged for withdrawing money from a joint account when you have nothing to feed and clothe yourself with. It is your money too, regardless of who deposited it. Go to the police before you think he will. As others have said, it is very likely that if you don't leave now he will kill you. Your loving family and friends would've distraught. You have a headache because your brain has been temporarily starved of oxygen while he was asphyxiating you with your own clothes.

Sleep for a few hours, get up in the morning and act as normal as you can, and as soon as he leaves for work gather all your important documents, any small personal items, gadgets, some books etc, and a few changes of clothes and toiletries, sanitary products etc, then present yourself at your local police station, having withdrawn as much money as you feel you need to get you through to payday. Ask for their dv unit and tell them everything.

They will help you, I promise.

Before you go to bed, delete all your browsing history and log out of mumsnet. Please be very careful op. xx

[Sangelina]

You've had se very good advice here; please don't wait. You'd tell a friend to leave straightaway, I'm sure.

I've had miscarriage counselling and it was the best thing I ever did. Thee are free nationwide services available. If you search for miscarriage crisis counselling it'll come up. X

[Charlie97]

I have nothing more helpful to say, that has not already been said.

But keep strong and walk away and never ever look back.



xx

[CheerfulYank]

Oh honey, please get out. I am so sorry. So sorry for the loss of your babies and so sorry for the loss of the life you thought you'd have with this man.

I don't know what to say. I wish...wish I knew you in real life. Wish we were friends. I would help you.

[selsigfach]

Please leave, don't stay a minute longer than you have to. Saving up money doesn't matter but your life does. You can do this. Please do as terriblemother says.

[ChasedByBees]

Well done for knowing you have to leave OP. please do it quickly and as others have said, if the money is in a joint account, it's yours too and he can't have you done. You wouldn't need to take it if he hadn't done something which could have killed you.

I'm so sorry for your losses x

[TerribleMother]

I hope you are feeling refreshed to an extent this morning op. Eat what you can, and keep your fluids up. You need all your strength to see you through the decisions you need to make, and actions you decide to take. I'm overseas and I've thought about you all day. Please feel free to pm if you need any advice, or just don't want to post any more.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

You have a joint account? And do you know where your going?

Just take the money and run.

[Dillydollydaydream]

Good luck sun

[Groovee]

Pack your things and go. Get a new bank account and direct your wages there. Good luck. You deserve so much more than what he is doing. You have lost 3 babies too but you aren't behaving like he is.

Put yourself first, do you really want to be tied to him for the rest of your life?

[petalsandstars]

Please leave as soon as possible.

any money in a joint account legally belongs to every person named on that account - each person is entitled legally to take the money

he would have no legal comeback if you took all the money the same as you wouldn't if he did it as evidenced by the posters who have been left with nothing after their exs leave on the relationship board

[stephanielittl7]

and ((((hugs))))

[IneedAsockamnesty]

FYI

Taking yourself to a police station could result in you being able to stay in your home and long term having him pay for you to stay there.

The police can obtain a protection order on your behalf to keep him away from the house (these protection orders are short term to allow you time to get an occupation order/none molestation order if your wages are low enough a police reported recent is enough to obtain legal aid for DV reasons) they can also put bail conditions on him to not come to the house that will last until he goes to court.

Or it can make it much easier to get a refuge place.

However there are other ways to get a refuge place,any DV related adviser can obtain you a bed in a refuge as can presenting yourself to the homelessness team at your local authority's housing department. You don't even need an appointment you just turn up and they have a legal duty to find you somewhere.it is the law they have to help you. Walking into a social service office and asking for help would also make it happen.

A lot of women have something called a crisis plan, this often involves working out what rooms in the house are safest for you to be in if you know you are about to get attacked and cannot escape (avoiding kitchens bathrooms and other rooms with obvious weapons in easy grabbing reach) however yours is made more complicated as you have one who strangles (that's the most frequently used method of a dv murder) but it also involves secreting away essential items at a pace unlikely to draw attention and taking them to a safe place,this could be a friends or family members house and could include personal items, clothing,important documents,cash,stuff you would be heartbroken to lose.

If you do that then the day you actually decide to go then you know you can just walk out the door. I've even had clients who have been able to arrange a man with a van to turn up when the abuser is at work and have been able to take furniture and put it in storage until rehoused (the taking items in advance removes the need for time consuming packing its just load and go).

[falulahthecat]

So take your share - how can he 'get you done' when it's a joint bank account?
He cannot hurt/harm you as much as you think he can.
I would suggest asking a close/discreet friend and or family member if they would help you leave him - I would hazard a guess that they'd be only too fucking pleased to get you away from him.
Don't leave this too long.
There's a difference between loving someone and loving the person they 'could' be.

[littledrummergirl]

Dont save, dont wait. Leave now, today. Your life is more important than anything else. Go to the police and tell them everything. Empty your bank account, open your own and put the money in there. Dont transfer it, do 2 seperate transactions.
This may be the hardest thing you have ever had to do but you know that you must.
The longer you put it off the longer you are in danger. You deserve much much more for yourself than to live in fear.
Hugs

[isisisis]

Op, how are you this morning? I hope you managed to get some sleep. Please, please don't wait weeks. Yes, it would be useful to have your next wage but you will manage. A few skint weeks is better than the life you're currently living. Just go. Grab important documents and go.
Would work give you an advance on your wages? A friend take you in? Give you a loan? Please talk to someone in real life. They will believe you & help you. If you can't talk to a friend please contact a DV charity who will help.
What advice would you give if you were reading this thread? I bet it wouldn't be to wait a few weeks & I imagine you'd be a lot kinder to the poster than you're being to yourself. Go, go now.

[emptychair]

I echo everyone else. Please leave now. You are worth so much more. Xx

[rabbitlady]

dear sun, I'm so sorry.
you were in a terrible position. talking to a counsellor might help. just saying what you feel to another real person, and being accepted, is helpful.

when i had a near death experience, it showed me that everything is known, the reasons are understood, and the love is so great that there is complete acceptance with no need to ask for or to provide forgiveness. thinking about that and your situation made me think of my mum. she's close to death and i've just been told that she had two backstreet abortions before i was born. it was a bit of a shock and i wondered about my older siblings. but thinking of them, and of the love and acceptance, i think they'll be there, loving my mum. i hope i haven't upset you. i don't expect other people to believe what i believe.

you are right to get away. do it. you haven't deserved any of the additional suffering this man has put you through. there's good advice in the posts above.

good luck.

[divisionbyzero]

Strangling? Don't spend your time posting on here, get out.

It is absolutely necessary for both of you, honestly it sounds like something awful could be on the horizon that everyone regrets, if they are around to regret it.

I can't be emphatic enough about this: LEAVE. NOW. Take what you can and have him drop anything else (if he is willing) with a third party only. If he is not willing, write it off and be thankful you have your skin. Meet with him with third parties present only.

Hope you're OK, but address what you need to, right away.

[Allice]

Please leave, for your daughter if not for yourself, it could be her next.

[YouTheCat]

I think he has fed you a tonne of lies. Listen to Sockreturningpixie, please. She knows what she'd talking about.

Go to women's aid. They'll help you. Get out of there as soon as you can.

[DreamingofSummer]

Please do leave - and soon.

[SauvignonBlanche]

Please contact Women's Aid for practical help and advice.

[Cravey]

This is the saddest thing I have ever read. Darling you deserve love and care especially at this time in your life. He maybe doing things his own way, but hurting you should not be part of that. You deserve to be treated like gold. What you have been through is horrific. Yes he was there too but it's you who medically went through this. Please please please get put darling. Go wherever or to whomever you can and stay there. You have done the bravest thing ever by doing what you did for your baby. Now you need to be brave again. You do not deserve this. He should be wrapping you in cotton wool and looking after you. The level of voilence does not matter. The point is that the tiniest thing would be wrong.