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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just say No!

50 replies

Nobullyinghere · 17/02/2014 13:02

namechanged as this could out me.

will give back details so as not to drip feed.

I left my ex husband approx 5 yrs ago because he was bleeding me dry and the stress of his constant wants was making me ill.
I have a new partner now and we have 50/50 residency of the children i have with exh. He diesnt pay maintenance as we have them 50 50. he claims tax credit for dd and child benefit for dd. i am not entitled to tax credits or child benefit for ds.( due to earnings)

DS has come home from school with a letter about a rugby trip to South Africa costing at least £2300. This does not include insurance or meals or spending money. exh has told DS he can go if i pay half. ( should also point out i pay ds school fees) I am on a career break at present and so have no wage coming in although dp puts a generous allowance into my acc and pays all bills and clothing and food etc. I have 2 small children with dp and run my car and pay for fees etc and lessons and pocket money etc out of my allowance (house keeping) i cannot afford to commit to half this amount and im worried about ds going to South Africa..

exh has just phoned giving me dogs abuse because im saying i cant afford it. hes saying i should get DP to pay. I dont agree.

exh saying this is a chance of a lifetime and im ruining his rugby career etc etc etc.

i wint be bullied so im want to say NO. AIBU?

OP posts:

Morgause · 17/02/2014 13:04

YANBU. Your DP has no responsibilty to your Ex's son. If your ex wants him to go then he'll have to pay - you have no income.

CailinDana · 17/02/2014 13:06

Could your dp afford it?

SweetPenelope · 17/02/2014 13:07

You can't afford it, so it's perfectly reasonable to say "no". Your ex shouldn't have made a promise on your behalf.

Your son will be disappointed, but most children don't go on such expensive trips.

Original poster

Nobullyinghere · 17/02/2014 13:10

DP prob could afford it. yes. However my DS has a seriously bad attitude towards DP because Exh hates him and makes that obvious to the chikdren. (very complicated. exh uses a sympathy vote with the dc along the lines of poor me im all alone ur bitch mother has a new dp and kids and doesnt need us anymore!)

exh cant afford half either he is going to ask his mother and father (also divorced) to help him pay. Againim not happy about getting into debt or begging my parents to pay for a bloody school trip.

i spent 12 yrs married to this idiot while he bled me dry and got us into debt buying things he wanted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nobullyinghere · 17/02/2014 13:13

im so stressed about this its totally reminded me what it was like living with this idiot!!!!!

OP posts:

AlpacaLypse · 17/02/2014 13:13

He should never have discussed the finances of going on the trip with ds before talking to you. Toxic twat.

Littleen · 17/02/2014 13:14

yanbu, your ex is being unreasonable. I mean, a trip to South-Africa for £2300?! That's insane just on its own imo. I would presume most parents would be unable to afford it, so the fact your ex cannot understand this is odd. He can pay the full amount if necessary, and you could potentially pay insurance and meals etc if that would be an option.

AMumInScotland · 17/02/2014 13:15

YANBU. Most children can't afford to go on this kind of trip. It's not like you're denying him a pair of shoes or some other basic necessity of life.

If your son is old enough to even consider this kind of trip, then he's old enough to understand that money doesn't grow on trees.

Original poster

Nobullyinghere · 17/02/2014 13:15

DP has booked for us to take the smaller two on holiday in may and also booked a week in July for all 6 of us to go on holiday together so the older two dont miss out on school. im having this thrown in my face now. im worried ds is going to turn against me.

OP posts:

HighBrows · 17/02/2014 13:15

I'd say no from a financial and safety point of view.

You absolutely can say no.

You'd get a family holiday for that amount.

Original poster

Nobullyinghere · 17/02/2014 13:18

im glad im not BU. im going to ring exh tonight and say no!

OP posts:

Elderberri · 17/02/2014 13:24

YANBU....it's a lot of cash.

Original poster

Nobullyinghere · 17/02/2014 13:28

Fuckity Fuck!!! exh just phoned again going on about it being chance of a lifetime and i should let him go or it will affect his whole life. bla bla bla bla aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhh '!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

HighBrows · 17/02/2014 13:30

No you won't affect your sons life by saying no this time, in fact you ate teaching him an imimportant lesson no mon no fun.

You are not being unreasonable.

AMumInScotland · 17/02/2014 13:37

Is rugby the shining light that makes your son's heart beat from one moment to the next? Is he likely to be going into a career in it, or soon be representing the county at U18 or whatever? Is it the only thing in his existence which makes life worth living?

If so, I'd try to consider what options might be available.

Anything less, tough shit. Life is full of 'opportunities' which we don't get because they cost money we just don't have available. Giving in to outrageous demands from your DH isn't going to improve your son's life. Even giving in to demands from DS himself isn't actually going to help him - just make him more entitled than it sounds like he already is.

It won't 'affect his whole life' to be denied one (expensive) thing.

CailinDana · 17/02/2014 13:43

Why would your ds turn against you?

RunRabbit · 17/02/2014 13:46

Your family environment sounds unhealthy and TBH it sounds like you're bringing the stress onto yourself. You know he's a twat so why are you engaging with him?

'exh has just phoned giving me dogs abuse'
Why did you allow this to happen? Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like that?

He needs to know how you expect to be treated and wont tolerate anything less than that.

And if he still tries to verbally abuse you again, put the phone down.

If phonecalls with him are too difficult. Tell him you'll only communicate with him through email.

You have a child together, that means you have to communicate. It does not mean you have to take the shit he dishes out.

DarlingGrace · 17/02/2014 13:47

Is this a two week rugby tour? I rather liked the look of it, DS school sent details of a similar trip through. Shark fishing, safari, ostrich riding, Sun City, no idea when they were playing rugby. He didn't go as rugby isn't his thing. It did look a fantastic trip. Not as good as the Fiji and NZ rugby trip or the St Lucia cricket tour, both 5K

maddy68 · 17/02/2014 13:47

It's perfectly reasonable for your ex to say he will pay 1/2. I think you should try to stump up the 1/2 personally but if you can't then say he can't go.
If I could afford it I would pay for my step son as he is my partners child and therefore my family. I don't understand the distinction personally.

Nataleejah · 17/02/2014 13:50

Maybe you're sending him to a school which is a bit beyond what you can afford?

youarewinning · 17/02/2014 13:52

Yanbu - you can't afford it. That's all there is to it. I think you need to remind your EH that DP money is paying for your DS to attend this school which sounds like it offers great opportunities already if they are organising trips like this. Say you can't afford the trip as well.

If fact I'm sure if you mentioned putting DS in a non fee paying school to afford trips your XH might change his view slightly.

Does DS school do monthly payment scheme for trips? That's how I've afforded DS residential (which is just under 300 and includes meals!)

Thumbwitch · 17/02/2014 13:55

I'm a bit torn with this because it probably would be the trip of a lifetime, certainly for now, and if all his friends and rugby team are going except for him then it would be a shame for him to miss out if it were at all possible for him to go.

But. Your ex can't afford the money and has form for running up debts to satisfy his whims; and now he wants you to do the same, so that puts a different spin on things, doesn't it.

If you are paying all your DS's school fees (did I get that right from your info?) then it would be acceptable to tell his father that, since he doesn't contribute to the fees, he can stump up for the extra-curriculars such as this trip - thereby laying the responsibility (and the guilt) back entirely on his shoulders.

Because the other problem is staring you in the face - if you don't do it, the emotional blackmail fall out is going to be huge. :( Your ex is going to use it to encourage your DS to hate your DP even more, however illogically; and to polish up his own image as being the "one who would have let you go if only your mother and her bloke had come up with the readies".

How long do you have to make the decision? Is your DS open to reason at all? Does he really, through to his bones, want to do this trip more than anything else in the whole world?

whomadeyougod · 17/02/2014 13:58

how old is your ds ?, sorry if you have already said , that is the trouble sending kids to private schools , most who go there can afford the holidays , trips and extra activities , the ones who cant probably feel left out , but if you cant afford it he cant go im sure he will get over it .

lljkk · 17/02/2014 14:00

If you can afford then I think you should, but it's a lousy set of choices. I would go into personal savings if I had to to make it happen.

Hissy · 17/02/2014 14:03

I agree with RunRabbit don't allow him to give you so much as a second of verbal. hang up every time.

when he can be civil, he will be heard. he doesn't however get to dictate your family finances.

I think the trip is a non-starter in any case, if it's that much of a struggle for you both, then it just doesn't happen.

You need to explain to DS that sadly some parents use things like this to score points and that it's just sad that he's being put in the middle like this.

He has to understand that while you'd all love to be able to say yes to everything, that sometimes it's a no.

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