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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a surprise divorce party is bad taste?

31 replies

flixybelle · 16/02/2014 22:20

Background:
My MIL decided marriage was not for her(again) last year and ended her 5 year marriage. At the time she decided this my husband and I were going through a very tough time and we had also split for a while. Mainly because of my husbands attitude to marriage. Which he obviously learnt from both of his parents,who seem to think that a bump in the road equals walking away without so much as a conversation. My husband and myself went to counselling and are now v happy and realistic!

Anyways my MIL decree came through this week and basically my BIL(husband's brother) text me to invite us to a surprise divorce party for my her. I think that it's incredibly insensitive given that we have just come through such a bad time (which he was well aware off) and I also don't think that a divorce is something to celebrate, especially given the fact that there was bloody nothing wrong with their marriage. (yes I know this to be true, MIL said herself he was a great man a great friend but she didn't like being married.) I can understand going out for a drink or whatever when the decree came through but a SURPRISE party??

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/02/2014 22:27

It does seem a bit off, but they're not doing it to hurt you and it probably didn't even cross your BILs mind that you might think he's been insensitive, especially if he's got the same outlook on marriage.

It sounds like he thinks your MIL might appreciate the thought, I wouldn't think too much into it, just tell him thanks but no thanks and get on.

Glad you and your DH sorted things though, it's shit when things are spiraling.

Original poster
flixybelle · 16/02/2014 22:36

Thank you for the reply. I am not going and no intention of causing a drama. Just wondering if it just me who thinks its a weird thing to do. Taking our situation out of the equation I still think its really strange especially as a surprise.

OP posts:
VelmaD · 16/02/2014 22:40

I would have loved someone to have thrown me a divorce party! But I do understand some people just see divorce as bad - I had people block me and delete me and avoid me when I celebrated my divorce so am well aware my feelings on it are not the norm!

Innogen · 16/02/2014 22:47

Divorce cake has always been the tastiest! Grin

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2014 22:48

I've never come across it in RL, but you'd presume there was some misery involved in splitting up with someone, even if it's only on one side, (although I know sometimes both can be deliriously happy they don't have to put up with each other ever again), so it seems like a party would turning that unhappiness into entertainment.

And worse that it drags loads of other people into almost laughing at the other person.

How did your MILs DH take the break up? What does your DH make of it?

Original poster
flixybelle · 16/02/2014 23:05

I have no issue with my MIL or anyone else celebrating their divorce (though I cant understand why she would want to he never made her life difficult or anything either before or after the split.) Its the surprise party that has thrown me. Her ex husband is a great guy and was devastated when she ended it. My DH thinks its weird and doesn't want anything to do with it. (I said that if he wanted to go and support his mum that I was ok with that.)

OP posts:
Amy106 · 16/02/2014 23:12

Well, I have never heard of someone having a surprise divorce party, but I guess BIL must think it is a good idea. I am with you on this but at least dh is not wanting to go. You can just ignore it and it will soon be over.

MrsMagnificent · 16/02/2014 23:33

Ok it's maybe n bad taste in general but I don't see how it's insensitive to you and your husband.

I celebrated my divorce because I was bloody glad to finally be done. I think a lot of people celebrate that final piece of pape. By celebrate I'm not meaning big party but if that's what you want to do why not?

Topaz25 · 16/02/2014 23:47

I've heard of divorce parties but not a surprise party! I think it's a sensitive subject to surprise someone about! I wouldn't attend.

SeaSickSal · 17/02/2014 01:20

It's not in brilliant taste. But your attitude towards you MIL is appalling. You're so judgemental and you are really denigrating and patronising about her. Not to mention the fact you blame your marriage problems on her. She's got a divorce, no need for your sniffy attitude.

Kytti · 17/02/2014 01:26

Steady on, seasicksal a touch harsh, no?!

I think divorce parties are generally in bad taste, but each to their own. The end of a marriage is rarely something to celebrate.

btw - I said rarely, not always.

Bogeyface · 17/02/2014 01:30

You are taking it too personally. You split, you sorted it out, you are back together. Thats all that BIL knows. This party is a seperate issue.

As for the party, I dont think it is in very good taste but given his role model for marriage, it doesnt surprise me that he had done it and I am sure you r MIL will love it. She reminds me of a relative of mine, taste has never been a major issue for her either!

MusicalEndorphins · 17/02/2014 02:59

YaNbu. You say your MIL only has good things to say about FIL, so surely he doesn't deserve to have the family slap him in the face this way. If I were you, I'd have your FIL around for a wonderful dinner that night, or maybe even you and your husband can go away with FIL somewhere touristy that week-end.

If DH and I divorced and his family celebrated, I would be so hurt, words couldn't describe it.

MusicalEndorphins · 17/02/2014 03:02

ESPECIALLY if my own children, my own flesh and blood attended! Pouring salt in the wound.

TinyTwoTears · 17/02/2014 04:56

I think when op said "husband's brother" she means her own husband, so divorced mil's son. Not son of ex-husband.

Does sound a bit weird to be having a divorce party if there didn't seem to be much wrong with the marriage apart from boredom. It's only insensitive to the ex husband though. I don't think your problems should be influencing whether or not mil should have a party as they are now dealt with. The party sounds wrong in itself anyway.

wowfudge · 17/02/2014 05:12

I can see why you don't want to go - and as your DH doesn't want to either then it isn't a problem surely? I have had a divorce party myself and it was about the whole drawn out mess being over, not about poking fun at the ex.

Bedtime1 · 17/02/2014 07:10

A divorce party is weird. No matter what's gone on, it's sad when the marriage comes to an end. Even if one cheated, the hopes and dreams have gone , you need closure. A party well ... I wouldn't go either op.

Bedtime1 · 17/02/2014 07:12

I'd suspect you might be relieved if one had cheated or something but surely you'd tell your friend that or something not have a party.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/02/2014 07:14

I think it's crass but I don't think it's really relevant that you've had a difficult time. Clearly her not wanting to be married is a huge problem in their marriage.

merrymouse · 17/02/2014 07:27

I think it's a bit odd.

Why celebrate separating from somebody if the parting was amicable and the only reason for the divorce was you got bored/shouldn't have got married in the first place - it would also be odd to celebrate breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend where there were no hard feelings.

I can see why you are offended - it all seems to be a bit "phew, got rid of the old ball and chain!!!" and il judged.

I can see situations where a party would be appropriate (although I think in most situations you would be treading on thin ice to throw a surprise party). On the other hand, if the divorce was fairly easy and the only problem was the couple weren't well suited, it really isn't your BIL's place to start throwing parties.

However, it sounds as though your problem is that your BIL hasn't really thought things through and is insensitive about your MIL and ex step father IL, not your MIL or the (real or imagined) effect of her behaviour on your marriage.

Joysmum · 17/02/2014 08:30

Depends in the person and circumstanstances but it can be a celebration of the promise if things to come, rather than a look at things past.

MsVestibule · 17/02/2014 08:51

I think in these circumstances a divorce party is unnecessary, tasteless and possibly upsetting for her ex-husband (if he found out about it).

But it has nothing to do with the situation you and your DH have recently been in. Why are you making this All About You?

RedFocus · 17/02/2014 09:19

It's not about you it's about your MIL and what she would want! She wanted the divorce so a party to celebrate it might be right up her alley and surely her own son would know that.
It's not insensitive at all either because you are not freshly divorced and like you say you are not going anyway so who gives a crap.
MIL may take the fact that her son and DIL have shunned the party badly though and as a sign that you don't support her so be ready for some backlash from that.

Monetbyhimself · 17/02/2014 09:28

I think it's incredibly tasteless and I say that as someone goiing through a really acrimonious divorce at the minute.

I do think that when you've really fought for a marriage , sometimes against impossible odds, it's not something to celebrate when it ends in divorce and whilst outwardly I know I'll smile when it's all finally over, I certainly won't be partying.

I think divorce parties probably appeal to the shallow 'I got bored/ grass is greener/ he didn't fulfill MYneeds/ he looked at me strangely type of divorce. It's too easy for people to rip their childrens lives apart. I've seen it ongst my own friends and family.

pinkdelight · 17/02/2014 09:36

"If I were you, I'd have your FIL around for a wonderful dinner that night, or maybe even you and your husband can go away with FIL somewhere touristy that week-end. "

musical I didn't get the impression that OP and her partner were that close to FIL. Sounds like it's a later marriage (i.e. not DP's father) that didn't work out and FIL is still friends with MIL so knows what she's like. That was my sense of it anyway.

OP YANBU to think it's a bit weird, but it takes all sorts and in its weird way it is kind of nice for the son to be throwing a party for his mum. And it sounds like she might enjoy it!

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