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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is she bridezilla?

97 replies

horseycoursey · 16/02/2014 04:43

I'm not sure if aibu so here goes...

Dsis is getting married in August. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and ds to be a page boy, but then decided to get married in Gibraltar (we live in UK) as that's where she and her dh to be met a few years ago (they have no other connection to Gibraltar and one guest us coming from there, all other 25 guests are UK based.

Initially I said straight away that I wasn't sure if I could come, she knows my work may prohibit it and accepted that but was disappointed. This was several months ago and all her guests have booked flights and hotels now.

A week ago I got permission from work for the three days off to attend the wedding. I told dsis and we were both excited. Then I started looking to book the trip and found that the price for ds and I to fly out and stay in an average hotel was £600 (excluding meals, ground transport etc) I was shocked, I realise I was stupid not to have realised before I said we could come.

I've told dsis that I don't think I can come now, as I'm a single parent and travelling alone with ds would be more than I can manage. She accepted this but seemed disappointed and a bit pissed off. Then our parents got involved, telling me the cost and difficulty in travelling with a toddler was a sacrifice I should make for dsis and her wedding. I did point out that £600 is three weeks pay for me but they pointed out dsis earns less than me and our other dsis is travelling with her two young children and her dh and hasn't complained at all.

At the moment it's relatively amicable but if I don't go it's likely to cause a family rift. I feel really annoyed to be railroaded into a trip that's not toddler friendly at all (anti social flight times, location on a steep rock not ideal for young children) especially as I'll be paying £600+ for the privilege :-(

Aibu to not go? Dsis had accepted I wasn't going due to work when she booked her wedding.

OP posts:

WeAreDetective · 16/02/2014 11:10

I don't think this thread is saying YABU, especially about the money!!

Oriunda · 16/02/2014 11:19

Spain is a terrific place to holiday with a toddler. There are other ways to holiday other than Disneyland!

Treat this as your holiday. Get a cheap flight/package to Malaga or somewhere close, coach transfer/hire car etc to Gib. Stay one night for wedding (see if an extra bed/sofabed can go in your parents' room?) then head back to your hotel in Spain.

Assume the wedding/reception will be in a hotel or similar, not actually on a rock that toddler will just fall off!

Panzee · 16/02/2014 11:40

San Pedro would be a good place to go if you take up Oriunda's excellent suggestion.

Oldraver · 16/02/2014 11:46

The not suitable for a toddler thing I think you are being a drama llama over and pulling the 'poor single parent me' thing, and yes have dont it on my own before.

I think you have a fair point about having to spend money you dont have on someone elses dream.

Take out the toddler thing out of the equation and concentrate on whether you can afford it or not

ageofgrandillusion · 16/02/2014 11:50

Thinking about this, what i want to know is how monumentally selfish/thick/egotistical would somebody have to be to expect somebody to shell out a month's wage to watch your poxy wedding? Seriously. I really am struggling to get my head around that mindset.
Oriunda - whu should the OP have to base her own holiday - and her wage she prob only gets one a year - around some shitty wedding just because some dingbats decide to get married in fucking gibralter? It's ludicrous.

TickerSpecs · 16/02/2014 11:55

I think if you get married abroad then you have to accept and no be annoyed if people don't come.

We got married abroad as such, somewhere we live but most of the guests didn't. There was a couple of people we would have really liked there but they couldn't come for money/time off work reasons, we weren't annoyed at all. I think it's bad of your parents to make you feel guilty about it. If you can't go then you can't simple.

Oldraver · 16/02/2014 11:56

Oh and its Southern Spain..... It wouldn't cost much more to extend to a week and make it your holiday....perfectly suitable for a toddler if you stay over the border

FutTheShuckUp · 16/02/2014 12:00

If you have savings I think you are being a bit awkward tbh

Caitlin17 · 16/02/2014 12:09

Fut I think savings come in to it. Money is tight and savings will be needed for unforseen emergencies.

cardibach · 16/02/2014 12:24

I am a bit confused about why a holiday in Gibraltar/Southern Spain wouldn't be much fun for the DS, though. Presumably the wedding is one day, then you can do all the things that all the other holiday makers do on their, presumably fun, holidays.
THe money is a fair point, and I guess it depends how much is in the savings account. If the £600 would wipe it, then WBU to use it, if it is much, much more than that then it WBU not to use it. I also think that a week in Gibraltar/Southern Spain could be done for less than £600 - when is the wedding, OP? There are some great bargain hunters on MN who will sort you out!

Preciousbane · 16/02/2014 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lljkk · 16/02/2014 12:32

If you do go, make it clear that your presence is the present. No way should you cough up extra for a gift as well.

gilliangoof · 16/02/2014 12:41

Yanb. I would not go. £600 is a lot of money and if you are a single parent there are a lot better ways that money could be spent. If people want people to celebrate their weddings with them they should have them in convenient locations. I was concerned about the 40 minute drive to ours.

pigletmania · 16/02/2014 12:41

Yanbu, why don't your parents put their hand in tge it pocket if tgey are tat desperate for you to go! Yes couples can have their wedding anywhere they want and all that, but have to be prepared that some might not be able to go.

FlockOfTwats · 16/02/2014 12:58

I wouldn't be going but i think shes upset at being told one thing one week and another the next.

If you choose to get married abroad you sacrifice a large portion of your guests. Thats a given. It sounds like she understands that.

FutTheShuckUp · 16/02/2014 13:02

It just seems to me, and prob to your family you just don't want to go. First work, then it being unsuitable for a toddler (?) then finances. And while it is a lot of money I don't think you can plead poverty if you are open about the fact you have savings (which may or may not be relevant depending on whether you are talking hundreds or thousands). It just seems rather wishy washy considering this is a very close family members wedding

chocolatemademefat · 16/02/2014 13:22

It sounds like the main reason you dont know if you should attend is financial. You are a single parent earning around two hundred pounds a week - of course you cant afford to spend 3 weeks wages on a wedding. People seem to think money can be produced as if by magic but sadly it can't. Anyone who doesnt have much money will see where you are coming from - your son is number one in your life. Tell your sister you'll host a girly night in for her after the event and you can see the video and hear all about it.
Forget about loans for flights - they have to be paid back so you'll be out of pocket long after the confetti has settled.
I wish you luck with your family.

verdiletta · 16/02/2014 13:26

Everyone seems to be saying flying etc with a toddler is no big shakes and that it's a crap excuse. Well for what it's worth I would be dreading that kind of journey on my own with a toddler- kids are all different, and only you know how your own ds is likely to cope with long airport waits, sitting in a seat for hours, different food etc . This kind of trip with my DD when she was a toddler would have been hell.
Oh, and YANBU if you don't go - I would prioritise my sister being there over the location, which she hasn't done. And I'd thought that £600 (just for starters) is actually a lot of money for most people, it certainly is to me. Good advice here about how you could do it more cheaply though.

Birdsgottafly · 16/02/2014 13:35

If it was my GC that would be missing out on a family wedding of his Aunt, then tbh, I would fund it for him.

That is if you are the sort of family if you went into hospital, they would be caring for your DS, rather than him go to Foster Care, for example.

That's what families that work properly do for each other, they make sacrifices.

I couldn't imagine one if my DD's not attending the Wedding if the other ones, unless it meant them becoming homeless and then the rest of the family would step in anyway.

This is a major family event, which in some families, means something, that is subjective.

I (or anyone I'm related to) certainly wouldn't have to ask a bunch of strangers, to whom if my DC grew up without close relations, it wouldn't matter to.

OP, only you know how your family works and what the dynamics are like.

LoopyDoopyDoo · 16/02/2014 13:47

Could you get more time off and turn it into a proper holiday?

BlueStones · 16/02/2014 14:42

I have just remembered that a former colleague of mine Skyped her Los Angeles-based wedding to family who could not attend. Is that an option?

SpottyDottie · 16/02/2014 14:45

I think many posters don't think you are being unreasonable but rather that your family are, if they are exerting pressure on you. Can you sit down with them all and discuss it??

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