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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu or is she bridezilla?

97 replies

horseycoursey · 16/02/2014 04:43

I'm not sure if aibu so here goes...

Dsis is getting married in August. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and ds to be a page boy, but then decided to get married in Gibraltar (we live in UK) as that's where she and her dh to be met a few years ago (they have no other connection to Gibraltar and one guest us coming from there, all other 25 guests are UK based.

Initially I said straight away that I wasn't sure if I could come, she knows my work may prohibit it and accepted that but was disappointed. This was several months ago and all her guests have booked flights and hotels now.

A week ago I got permission from work for the three days off to attend the wedding. I told dsis and we were both excited. Then I started looking to book the trip and found that the price for ds and I to fly out and stay in an average hotel was £600 (excluding meals, ground transport etc) I was shocked, I realise I was stupid not to have realised before I said we could come.

I've told dsis that I don't think I can come now, as I'm a single parent and travelling alone with ds would be more than I can manage. She accepted this but seemed disappointed and a bit pissed off. Then our parents got involved, telling me the cost and difficulty in travelling with a toddler was a sacrifice I should make for dsis and her wedding. I did point out that £600 is three weeks pay for me but they pointed out dsis earns less than me and our other dsis is travelling with her two young children and her dh and hasn't complained at all.

At the moment it's relatively amicable but if I don't go it's likely to cause a family rift. I feel really annoyed to be railroaded into a trip that's not toddler friendly at all (anti social flight times, location on a steep rock not ideal for young children) especially as I'll be paying £600+ for the privilege :-(

Aibu to not go? Dsis had accepted I wasn't going due to work when she booked her wedding.

OP posts:

dizzy101 · 16/02/2014 09:48

Could you fly to Malaga,car hire is cheap here, or bus direct from airport to la linea(5 mins walk from Gibraltar) it costs approx 10 euros. The main part of Gib is actually flat and you don't need walk up steep hills(unless you choose to) and it's very child friendly.I work there!

thegreatgatsby101 · 16/02/2014 09:52

No you are not being unreasonable.

I can't stand all this 'I'm the bride, I'll do what I want regardless of who I upset' nonsense.

£600 is an obscene amount of money for a lot of people and if it was THAT important for your sister to have you at her wedding, this is something she should have considered.

I feel that her only grievance can be that you've been very back and fourth with whether you could go and maybe slightly naive with the costings when you agreed. In that respect i can see that she might be slightly peeved, but she has no reason to be angry or annoyed at you for not shelling out the £600.

middleagedspread · 16/02/2014 09:53

YANBU. If it's important for your parents that you attend they should offer to pay. They must be aware of her financial situation and the awkward situation she's in.

thegreatgatsby101 · 16/02/2014 09:53

Oh, but I do think your comment about it being a rock are really odd!

jennifleurs · 16/02/2014 09:54

I had a similar situation last year with my then best friend. She was having 3 separate ceremonies because of the religious nature of her wedding and I couldn't afford to go to any of them. Am a LP and at the time was unemployed, all dates in different cities which would mean rail travel and hotel for myself and DS.

There were also specific restrictions on what I was 'allowed' to wear, again due to religious customs. In the end I said look, I can't afford it im sorry but I'm not going to go without gas & electricity so I can afford to go to your wedding.

I didn't go and she hasn't spoken to me since.

I loathe this about bridezillas - 'I'm getting married and I want everyone to know how important it is'.

I don't care :)

Quinteszilla · 16/02/2014 09:55

I am not saying she SHOULD go, only that it is a sad state of affairs if op cannot save 600 in 6 months. Her family should be more sympathetic.

ENormaSnob · 16/02/2014 09:57

Yanbu

If it's so important you are there, they can stump up the cash.

Fannydabbydozey · 16/02/2014 09:57

My sister wasn't at my wedding and it didn't ruin my day or cause a rift. She couldn't get time off work. She almost could then at the last minute couldn't. I gave it very little thought tbh. If you really can't afford it then she and your parents should understand. What they shouldn't be doing is pressurising you to spend money you don't have. That is just downright mean. Yes it's her wedding, but ffs it is just a wedding. You get married and have a party. People shouldn't have to choose between feeding kids and going to someone's special day.

And quint - have you tried to save money on such a low wage? It's nigh impossible.

Supercosy · 16/02/2014 10:00

I feel really bad for you. Of course it's disappointing for your sister but fgs it's alot of money for most people. It would be alot for me and I'm not a single mum. I just can't get my head around your parents guilt tripping you but not offering any help. It is a shame for your sister but when you decide to get married abroad thems the breaks.

pictish · 16/02/2014 10:02

£600 would be an obscene amount of money for us to spend on attending a wedding, family or not. And remember...that's not the sum total of it...there is still food, spending money, and transport to take into consideration. You can realistically add another couple of hundred on for that.

That would cover our entire holiday budget for the summer....in fact it would be more!
We usually do two seperate weeks of camping in the UK.

Would we sacrifice our two weeks of family holiday for three days in Gibralter for someone else's wedding? NO! Of course not! Not even for a sibling. It's too much to ask or expect. It would be a regrettable, but nevertheless very firm NO.

BlueStones · 16/02/2014 10:07

Quint, I could not save £600 in six months, and I work full time and I'm not even a parent. Renting in some cities sucks the money out of your account. It's common, sadly.

OP, I would not go. As a PP said, you can take her and her husband for dinner later instead. A marriage is worth celebrating, but it doesn't HAVE to be celebrated with a wedding. Unless she is deeply religious, a wedding is just a party.

RafflesWay · 16/02/2014 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpottyDottie · 16/02/2014 10:20

YANBU. Your mind changing hasn't helped, which has contributed to your DSis being annoyed but those who book a wedding abroad have to expect that some guests just won't be able to go. I am astounded that rather tha try to help you, your DP are siding with your DSis. Yes it may be her special day, but you can't go because you can't afford it. Don't any of your family understand that?

specialsubject · 16/02/2014 10:31

OP can't afford to go to this party. End of.

if parents are that bothered, let them pay for it.

Cringechilli · 16/02/2014 10:40

If your parents are sticking their oar in and getting uppity about it, then ask them to give you the £600 so you can go.

saintlyjimjams · 16/02/2014 10:41

I think lots of people would struggle to save up £600 these days quint.

Yanbu OP - but don't be embarrassed to be clear to your family that you cannot afford it. It sounds like your parents have no idea how tight things are for you. If they're that desperate for you to be there they should pay.

Dubjackeen · 16/02/2014 10:41

It's the chance anyone takes, I guess, when marrying abroad, that people may not be able to attend. In fairness, your sister doesn't seem to be the one putting the pressure on you. It looks to me that it is your parents who are the ones stirring things up. Are they prepared to help, or just shout from the sidelines? The fact that your sister earns less, is neither here nor there, is it the sister who is getting married that they are talking about?
If so, that is no argument, as it is her choice to marry abroad.
It's a lot of money, and I am guessing the price will continue to rise for flights, in particular, as the date gets closer.
Just be completely honest, and continue to say you simply cannot afford it.

Panzee · 16/02/2014 10:43

I also came on to see if you could fly to Malaga and bus it. It's a really easy journey and there are lots of cheaper flights to there.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 16/02/2014 10:44

NOthing wrong with destination weddings.

If you accept that not everyone can afford to go or get child care or time off. Or want to waste their holiday on your wedding.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 16/02/2014 10:45

I'd also if I had a sibling in your situation and wanted you to be there put that in to the budget of my wedding. Same goes for your parents if they want you there, they can pay for it

Caitlin17 · 16/02/2014 10:46

Talking about saving up for 6 months is pointless as the tickets need to be booked and paid for now.

Twatty's posts are ridiculous but most of you appreciate that.

OP hasn't been messing sister around as she has only just got confirmation she can get time off.

The respective incomes of the 3 sisters are irrelevant. The other sister travelling has a husband and it's the bride's choice.

The people at fault here by a very long way are OP's parents.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 16/02/2014 10:49

I think you are yabu because you should have researched everything before you said anything.

Op made a mistake. She thought she could go, took the time off. Showed willing underestimated the cost of the holiday. An adult can realise another adult made a mistake and accept that.

LiegeAndLief · 16/02/2014 10:49

It is absolutely fine to not go someone's wedding abroad because you can't afford it, even if they are your sister. However, I would stick with that as the reason, because assuming that the whole of Gibralter is terribly unsuitable for children and not wanting to travel on your own with a toddler are not brilliant reasons, especially when you have said that you would go. You may not have looked into the cost when you agreed to go but you must have known t would be on Gibralter and you would have to travel alone with your child!

Original poster

horseycoursey · 16/02/2014 10:53

Thanks for all your comments. I appreciate that IABU for saying I could go and then changing my mind the following week, I'm kicking myself for that and feel really bad about it. I think I'll have to go as I'll feel guiltyothotherwise, and I will get a lot of comments and pressure from family between now and then.

The £200 a week I earn is after childcare costs, that's why it's so low, exh doesn't contribute much. I wouldn't ask my parents for the airfare as they are pensioners, besides the rest of my family know I have savings (which were intended for ds, rainy day fund etc).

It is true I'd have been happier to go if it had been more child friendly (Disneyland haha), then it would have been like a holiday for ds, whereas now this will be our holiday for this year, which isn't much fun for ds.

Anyway, thanks again for the comments and I accept IABU, I should have kept quiet about work and I'll get booking the tickets.

OP posts:

DebbieOfMaddox · 16/02/2014 10:58

The "not toddler friendly" and "I can't travel alone with DS" excuses are silly. But the £600 = three week's wages point is perfectly reasonable.

Could what's bothering your family be that you keep coming up with different "reasons" you can't go "I might not get time off work", "I can't do a shortfall flight on my own with one child", "The flights are at an inconvenient time", "The venue isn't very toddler-friendly" so that it sounds as though you just don't WANT to go. Then when you point out the actually very reasonable issue that it's going to cost too much money it just sounds like another in the long line of excuses and they don't stop to consider that, actually, this time you're right and it IS more money than you can sensibly afford.

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