Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is she bridezilla?

97 replies

horseycoursey · 16/02/2014 04:43

I'm not sure if aibu so here goes...

Dsis is getting married in August. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and ds to be a page boy, but then decided to get married in Gibraltar (we live in UK) as that's where she and her dh to be met a few years ago (they have no other connection to Gibraltar and one guest us coming from there, all other 25 guests are UK based.

Initially I said straight away that I wasn't sure if I could come, she knows my work may prohibit it and accepted that but was disappointed. This was several months ago and all her guests have booked flights and hotels now.

A week ago I got permission from work for the three days off to attend the wedding. I told dsis and we were both excited. Then I started looking to book the trip and found that the price for ds and I to fly out and stay in an average hotel was £600 (excluding meals, ground transport etc) I was shocked, I realise I was stupid not to have realised before I said we could come.

I've told dsis that I don't think I can come now, as I'm a single parent and travelling alone with ds would be more than I can manage. She accepted this but seemed disappointed and a bit pissed off. Then our parents got involved, telling me the cost and difficulty in travelling with a toddler was a sacrifice I should make for dsis and her wedding. I did point out that £600 is three weeks pay for me but they pointed out dsis earns less than me and our other dsis is travelling with her two young children and her dh and hasn't complained at all.

At the moment it's relatively amicable but if I don't go it's likely to cause a family rift. I feel really annoyed to be railroaded into a trip that's not toddler friendly at all (anti social flight times, location on a steep rock not ideal for young children) especially as I'll be paying £600+ for the privilege :-(

Aibu to not go? Dsis had accepted I wasn't going due to work when she booked her wedding.

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/02/2014 08:31

Do you have to take DS?

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 16/02/2014 08:33

Twatty - that's what I mean about 'bridezilla enablers' with that attitude!

I'm glad you love your sister dearly, that's lovely. But this whole 'wherever the wedding is, no matter what expense, family must sell their bodies/houses/children to get the cash together and go' is ridiculous.

I say the bride should think about it exactly the other way round - 'I would do anything to have my dear sister there so I will change my plans and have a lovely UK wedding - then go abroad for a fab honeymoon.'

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 16/02/2014 08:35

(Because I don't think I could really enjoy my wedding knowing my sister is worried sick over spending £1k+ to attend it - she's a single mother on a small wage)

BlackDaisies · 16/02/2014 08:43

Yanbu, that's a crazy amount of money to be spending, and as it's before food/ outfits/ presents etc expect to at least double it. Just go on repeat " I simply can't afford it. I should have researched it and told you that right from the beginning, but I was really shocked to find out the cost. I'd love to take you out for a meal when you get home........ "etc etc. I would have no qualms about saying I didn't have the money. As other people have said, booking a wedding abroad will inevitably mean people can't come. And your other sister might well be stressed out with the cost and taking on a debt she can't afford either. Stick to your guns, remain calm and polite and don't get drawn into an argument.

BorcestshireBlue · 16/02/2014 08:44

If you can't afford it don't go - your family shouldn't expect you too. The next nearest airport is Malaga which is 2 hours or so away (I know as I have twice been diverted there when the weather has been too bad to land / take off in Gibraltar).

I do think you are being a bit precious about travel with a toddler though - it isn't that hard if you prepare well.

Atbeckandcall · 16/02/2014 08:47

I have to say, people who have their weddings abroad can come across a little selfish. It's alright for the happy couple, works out much cheaper. They only pay for themselves and honeymoon is absorbed into it. Never mind attendees and how they get themselves there. Anyway............the can come/can't come thing is probably the irritant here. Your sis is allowed to feel disappointed, but you're a human a we make mistakes.
I suggest you be very upfront about it all, and maybe say something like 'I'm sorry I've been rather non-committal, I really didn't think my work would allow me to come so I didn't look into the cost of things. However they realised how important it is to me so I've looked at the coatings of things and I really can't see how I can afford it. However I'd really love to plan your hen do and help organise a party for your return (if that's what they are doing). I'm truly gutted.'

theborrower · 16/02/2014 08:49

YABU.

There have been so many similar threads recently, it's a bit depressing how common this is.

If you plan to get married abroad, expect that not many people can go, including family. It's selfish to expect others to fork out a fortune or get into debt etc.

EirikurNoromaour · 16/02/2014 08:58

Have you thought about staying in a hotel over the border? Gibraltar is tiny and you can walk across to Spain and find accommodation far cheaper.

Pumpkinpositive · 16/02/2014 09:00

location on a steep rock not ideal for young children

I LMAO at this. Grin If you gave anything like this as a reason for not going I'm not surprised your family are Hmm. How do you think the Gibraltarians cope??

Also, why is it such a hardship to fly alone with your son? Does he has special needs?

Wrt the money, YANBU. But I get the impression the cost is not the primary motivator for your non attendence.

allisgood1 · 16/02/2014 09:01

She is bu but if I were you I would go.

BorcestshireBlue · 16/02/2014 09:07

I had missed the "located on a steep rock bit" - you don't actually have to climb it!

Nerfmother · 16/02/2014 09:19

How come work have only just said you can go if this was planned months ago? Did you ask back then, because it might have been cheaper?

theborrower · 16/02/2014 09:22

Sorry, that should have been YANBU!! Sorry

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary · 16/02/2014 09:24

Have you looked at reducing cost by flying to Malaga and staying in la linea. I used to live in gib and the only time I fly from gib airport was when someone else was paying.

Peekingduck · 16/02/2014 09:28

Twatty, did you really have to come on to add to the guilt trip? Op can't afford it. It would be bloody stupid to get into debt.

Mia4 · 16/02/2014 09:30

I think the word bridezilla is bandied around too much, your dsis is not unreasonable to be disappointed you can't come. She is definitely not unreasonable to.be.more so or a bit pmissed. Yabu there op, you told her you.could definitely come without checking then got her pleased qnd excited and likely looking at things for you both to wear and then you say 'oh shit sorry I didn't bother to check before and it's too expensive.

If you'd said it was too expensive first off and she created a fuss yes she would be bridezilla but you cannot use bridezilla as a get out clause when you messed her around. If theres any zillas then it's you and your parents. They are unreasonable to guilt you like this, put you anger where it belongs on them for.interfering and yourself for being responsible for disappointing your sis by not checking this out in advance- you made it appear like price was no issue, that the issue you was resolved and you wanted to come. Most people would feel miffed at that.

ageofgrandillusion · 16/02/2014 09:32

I wouldnt go, way tooo expensive. What planet do people live on when it comes to these bloody ridiculous wedding demands? Your sis sounds like a tit, ditto your folks. If they want to fall out over it let them, silly twats.

Cheerymum · 16/02/2014 09:33

Any chance you can fly to Malaga and drive from there? Lots of cheap flights, and car hire out of season is cheap (think 50 Euros). It's not too far (less than 2 hours). Just a thought.

Quinteszilla · 16/02/2014 09:35

Sad That you cant save up £600 in 6 months.

EirikurNoromaour · 16/02/2014 09:36

Quint, if she earns £200 a week and is a single parent it's hardly surprising. And costs will only go up the closer it gets.it was probably closer to £300 6 months ago, £600 if booked now and will be more if she waits til the last minute.

Preciousbane · 16/02/2014 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish · 16/02/2014 09:43

Overall I'm of the opinion that weddings abroad can do one.
If you choose to get married in some far flung location that's your problem.
If having everyone there for your big day is important to you, then have it somewhere accessible and affordable for them to attend.

It is supremely arrogant to expect to snaffle huge chunks of other people's budgets to pander to your wedding whims imo.

"But it's my wedding!"

So fucking what? I can't afford it!!

Mia4 · 16/02/2014 09:44

Thinking about it more your parents should pay if they are trying to guilt you, why don't you say that to them and make it clear that dsis while disappointed has not been guilting so why is it their place too. It's dsis wedding not theirs, she's not guilting so they should take lead from her.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 16/02/2014 09:47

I'm shocked that £200 a week is even a legal wage.

YANBU if you can't afford it but YABU for not checking first

dizzy101 · 16/02/2014 09:47

Could you fly to Malaga,car hire is cheap here, or bus direct from airport to la linea(5 mins walk from Gibraltar) it costs approx 10 euros. The main part of Gib is actually flat and you don't need walk up steep hills(unless you choose to) and it's very child friendly.I work there!