to think that DS's GF needs to sort out her priorities?

[Bogeyface]

He has (he found out today) an infection in his testicle as a result of a UTI. He is now on Anti B;s and doc says he should be fine as he did the right thing of going straight away that he felt sore and found a small swelling.

Turns out that his GF (and unofficial fiancee, dont ask, he isnt allowed to announce it yet, a whole other thread ) is a bit pissed off that it spoiled Valentines Day.

He feels bad that he ruined VD when imo he didnt! And she was going on about how much money she had spent on him (crass imo) without realising that caring about him when he is in pain and not well is a far better indicator of love than a padded card and a gift.

And you may have noticed that he didnt find out until TODAY that he had this, so the only reason it "ruined" VD was because he was feeling sore so presumably didnt want to have sex (he didnt tell me that, I am guessing).

He just talked to me about it and looked quite sad because he thought he had fucked up.

AIBU to think she needs to realise what is actually important? FTR, she was ill with Noro on his birthday, he didnt care about anything other than her being ill. She insisted he stayed here so didnt get ill too, but he was texting and ringing her all the time and worried all day about her. At no point did he say anything about his birthday (and their special planned meal out) being ruined, he was just worried about her.

Youve assumed that this is all because they didny have sex on valentines day but really you have no idea whatsoever whats gone on.

hi op, I have sons in low 20s. I agree she sounds a spoilt madam and yes I would be cross on my sons behalf.

I would sit him down and tell him my worries. then leave it. you have your say and then it's up to him.

why would it be odd for a son to chat about health issues to his mum? mine do to me and their dad as do our dds.

one thing op It's taken me years to realise that in most cases the roles people fall into, i.e the more dominant partner v the passive one is usually the tole each are comfortable in.

my dad is to me very controlling to my mum but I am sure she sees it as loving and taking care of her.

hope your ds gets well soon.

Whatever the reason....poor diddums, fancy having her precious valentines day ruined!

I've really taken a dislike to her, haven't I?! Sorry Bogeyface, that's probably not helping.

she is more frightened of losing him than he is of her, and he could create a more equal relationship for both of them. As it is, he will always be wrong and she will always be unhappy, as it is for her parents. It shouldnt be like that for either of them.

You're not an interfering mother, Even his friends have said he has changed.

Uh oh but you can't spell it out any clearer than this can you, he will feel conflicted. Hope he sees the light.

Next time he confides something like this to you I'd have a chat about your concerns about the relationship - that you see her mother bossing the father around and you don't like the signs that it could start happening to him with his fiance. Tell him it's none of your business but that's how you see it going and he needs to go in to that with his eyes wide open because to you it doesn't bode well for a good, solid, equal long-term relationship. It's his life and his choice but if he stays does he really want to be the one always appeasing her, constantly trying to make her happy. Is she worth that? Also for your part tell him it's going to be hard to see her making him unhappy and therefore you'll be unhappy. What a horrible situation seeing someone treating your DS like this and seeing the signs on the horizon and not being able to do anything about it. That's why, to avoid you becoming the MIL from hell, I'd try and sway him away from her now or at least get him to open his eyes to what his life is going to be like. Horrible for you as you'll spend the next 30 years buttoning your lip when he pops in to offload. He sounds too sweet and unable to stand up for this. You're involved because he's told you what it like and I don't think it unreasonable to have an open chat with him about it as he sounds unable to stick up for himself, doesn't matter how old you are but some people can't.

Bogeyface, it sounds a very lop-sided relationship. Does your son have self-esteem problems? Does he think that she's a 'catch' and that he's 'punching above his weight'? He's in danger of becoming a doormat if he's not careful and his girlfriend will lose all respect for him.

I don't think you're interfering or helicoptering I'd be concerned too. I'd also perhaps wonder if I'd heard the full version of events or a tailored one. People always present things from their own viewpoint and that's why unless you've seen and heard it for yourself you'll get a skewed vision.

I think I'd be speaking to my son (if he were in this position) to ask him if he's happy with things the way they are. Difficult, I know, because he'll possibly be cagey about his relationship but I'd ask anyway and find a way to say (non-judgementally) that he has the right to expectations of behaviour in a relationship and that he shouldn't settle for any behaviour that makes him unhappy.

I also wouldn't swear to it that your son has forgotten your jokey 'Don't fuck it up' comment, Bogeyface. He might not remember what you asked him to do yesterday but he will almost certainly have remembered your comment.