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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DS's GF needs to sort out her priorities?

81 replies

Bogeyface · 15/02/2014 23:15

He has (he found out today) an infection in his testicle as a result of a UTI. He is now on Anti B;s and doc says he should be fine as he did the right thing of going straight away that he felt sore and found a small swelling.

Turns out that his GF (and unofficial fiancee, dont ask, he isnt allowed to announce it yet, a whole other thread Hmm) is a bit pissed off that it spoiled Valentines Day.

He feels bad that he ruined VD when imo he didnt! And she was going on about how much money she had spent on him (crass imo) without realising that caring about him when he is in pain and not well is a far better indicator of love than a padded card and a gift.

And you may have noticed that he didnt find out until TODAY that he had this, so the only reason it "ruined" VD was because he was feeling sore so presumably didnt want to have sex (he didnt tell me that, I am guessing).

He just talked to me about it and looked quite sad because he thought he had fucked up.

AIBU to think she needs to realise what is actually important? FTR, she was ill with Noro on his birthday, he didnt care about anything other than her being ill. She insisted he stayed here so didnt get ill too, but he was texting and ringing her all the time and worried all day about her. At no point did he say anything about his birthday (and their special planned meal out) being ruined, he was just worried about her.

OP posts:
Mumraathenoisylion · 16/02/2014 08:27

I think you sound lovely and so does your ds.

But.......

There are always two sides to a story and you have to bear in mind that you are only hearing his. I'm not suggesting you question her at all but as said earlier it may be std related....imagine being the gf that found out you had been given an std on valentines day!

With regards to the engagement - most girls have an idea of exactly what they want when they get married, maybe your son knew but disregarded which ring she wanted. She probably wants everything to be perfect before announcing it to the world, many many many people go a bit crazy when planning weddings. Just take a breath, remember it's their decision and see what you can do to help?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 08:43

Most people don't go crazy when they are getting married.

I would be gutted if ds ended up with someone like this - while smiling and nodding all the while.

Jinty64 · 16/02/2014 08:45

I dont think that she is not good enough for him in fact he asked me about a year in what I thought of her and I said "I think she is brilliant, dont fuck it up!"

Be very careful that he is not trying progress the relationship because he thinks it is what you want. He may feel that to finish itch her would be "fucking up" in your eyes.

Supercosy · 16/02/2014 08:51

Hi Op, I understand your concerns. Two things that I find very hard understand and tolerate are spoilt, princessy women and people who are incapable of being sympathetic when their dp is ill. I would feel similarly concerned if I were you.

Quinteszilla · 16/02/2014 09:04

Can you ask him how he sees his long term happiness with this woman? Ask him if he has sensed a change in her behaviour lately?

ENormaSnob · 16/02/2014 09:14

God, lets hope he doesnt end up marrying the silly cow.

Quinteszilla · 16/02/2014 09:22

Do you think perhaps now is a good opportunity to have a serious conversation with him about her attitude?

cozietoesie · 16/02/2014 09:52

Out of interest, how quickly did she recover from the Noro after his birthday?

Preciousbane · 16/02/2014 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Electryone · 16/02/2014 10:06

Fiscal your post is short - exactly how is OP "too involved"? I agree with the posters who say some responses would be very different if this was a DD not a DS. Gender equality indeed eh, Mum would be caring about a DD but is too involved because its a DS!!

LessMissAbs · 16/02/2014 10:15

Yes, too involved helicopter parent. Let him live his own life.

frogslegs35 · 16/02/2014 10:42

I think you sound like a lovely Mum.
Yes, you've got to be careful how you broach this but try and mention her parents relationship, what he thinks about it etc.. If that hint fails to come across then take the bull by the horns and mention you've noticed some kind of change in her.

I'd be horrified if any of my ds's had gf's like this.

Mumraathenoisylion · 16/02/2014 10:50

seriously....no one think we are only being told one side to this story and possibly so is the op? many are so quick to judge and label someone as 'princessy' who you don't know at all...you're not even taking it from a first hand source you're taking it from probably the most biased source there is (understandably) no mother is going to badmouth their own child or assume they are in the wrong.

Electryone · 16/02/2014 10:54

Helicopter parent haha, now Ive heard it all, just because OP is concerned about her son...I would be to if it was me. All she's done is gave a conversation with him and be concerned.

BruthasTortoise · 16/02/2014 10:57

Honestly if he was a DD and not a DS we would be telling you to tell her to run for the hills if her DP was pissed off because he didn't get sex on Valentines because she was ill. Typical mumsnet.

SnakeyMcBadass · 16/02/2014 11:12

Christ, I hope I have such a good relationship with my adult sons. You are far from over involved Hmm I'd be concerned, too. But there really isn't much you can do except be there to listen and gently enquire about his general happiness. I wouldn't be pushing him towards her, though. They don't sound like a great fit.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 16/02/2014 11:16

Mid twenties?! Shock

Just hope and pray they don't get married. Can't end well.

ButICantaloupe · 16/02/2014 11:22

bogeyface

I think it is brilliant that you have such an open relationship with your son. As a PP has said some parents would give their right arm to know wats going on in their children's heads. I am mid twenties as is my husband and I know he wouldn't dream of discussing this kind of thing with his mum. I know she craves a closer relationship with him.

FWIW, his GF/Fiancée sounds very controlling and immature and your DS sounds lovely.

Ignore some of the posters telling you that you are too involved. In a relationship where there is potentially control issues, you can't ever be too close, IMO.

I hope your DS is feeling better soon, Flowers

ButICantaloupe · 16/02/2014 11:23

*whats

hairylittlegoblin · 16/02/2014 11:37

If this were a DD who told her mum she has a UTI and her BF was annoyed they couldn't have sex on VD this whole thread would be awash with Women's Aid links. And quite rightly. Why is it different for a DS?

Surely he's no less vulnerable to a bad relationship. Or are we expecting men to be fully self sufficient and women to still need looking after in their 20s?

Sounds as if the OP is handling it well. But I am surprised this is a couple in their 20s, it reads like a couple of teenagers. Are there any marriage preparation classes they can attend? Might help to bring some of the issues out.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 12:38

To clarify a few things.

He has been tested for and STI but he says there is now need, I didnt ask why he said that but I can guess! So I doubt it will be that, the doc is sure it is a UTI, again didnt ask but I am assuming the doc will have.

I dont helicopter, I am not over involved and I do not ask about his relationship, he comes to me. If he wants to talk I listen, but I dont give opinions.

When I said "Dont fuck it up" it was jokey. Hard to explain but not pressurising at all, just a joke and that was nearly 2 years ago now so he has probably forgotten (he has forgotten something I asked him yesterday about his work shifts, he isnt exactly memory man :o)

She was over the Noro the next day or the day after I think, why?

OP posts:
SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 16/02/2014 12:43

Is she really a bit pissed off though? At him, that is?

DH was massively pissed off when last year I tripped over, badly sprained my ankle and was unable to go on an activity he'd planned for us.

But so was I.

We were both pissed off, me with myself for being so fucking stupid (literally tripped over my own feet) and him with the general situation. He was pissed off in a 'Oh Fuck! That is sods law! Gutted' way. Not a 'You stupid fucking bitch, you've ruined it' way.

There's a huge difference IMO.

Damnautocorrect · 16/02/2014 13:07

Oh gosh no yanbu she sounds hard work. Understandably if she'd planned a lot then of course she'd be understandably disappointed but not to behave like that.

The wedding should be interesting ay!!

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2014 13:14

I genuinely can't see what the OP's said that makes the gf sound hard work or a nightmare, there's a lot about her parents, but not that much about her.

DPs do go along with their DPs for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with abuse or it making the other person being very unhappy, and I can't see anything wrong with doing things you're not keen on because you know it'll make your DP happy. If you deferred to them every single time it'd be odd, but just generally it's not.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 13:21

Oof, even apart from the 'your testicles spoilt my valentines day,' this paragraph made me squirm.

They are engaged, he proposed, she said yes. But until he can afford the ring she wants she refuses to accept that they are engaged. She has expensive taste so it will take at least 6 months for him to save up. She hit the roof when she found out he had told me, his dad and my parents despite the fact that she has told her whole family.

She does sound like ...like..trouble to me. I can't stand this kind of person.

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