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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DS's GF needs to sort out her priorities?

81 replies

Bogeyface · 15/02/2014 23:15

He has (he found out today) an infection in his testicle as a result of a UTI. He is now on Anti B;s and doc says he should be fine as he did the right thing of going straight away that he felt sore and found a small swelling.

Turns out that his GF (and unofficial fiancee, dont ask, he isnt allowed to announce it yet, a whole other thread Hmm) is a bit pissed off that it spoiled Valentines Day.

He feels bad that he ruined VD when imo he didnt! And she was going on about how much money she had spent on him (crass imo) without realising that caring about him when he is in pain and not well is a far better indicator of love than a padded card and a gift.

And you may have noticed that he didnt find out until TODAY that he had this, so the only reason it "ruined" VD was because he was feeling sore so presumably didnt want to have sex (he didnt tell me that, I am guessing).

He just talked to me about it and looked quite sad because he thought he had fucked up.

AIBU to think she needs to realise what is actually important? FTR, she was ill with Noro on his birthday, he didnt care about anything other than her being ill. She insisted he stayed here so didnt get ill too, but he was texting and ringing her all the time and worried all day about her. At no point did he say anything about his birthday (and their special planned meal out) being ruined, he was just worried about her.

OP posts:
TheScience · 16/02/2014 00:33

I think it's more the strong opinions you have about his relationship/girlfriend rather than knowing about his testicle specifically.

Sounds like the makings of a classic DIL/MIL thread in a couple of years - she's not good enough for him, you interfere too much, he's always running to his mother.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 00:41

Letsface No, I am opinionated (oh really?! I hear you cry!), but I am not the sole trouser wearer, I get one leg and H gets the other. It was like that with DS's "dad" (his step dad but his father in all but sperm), we did our arguing early on and came to an understanding that while there were times that something was important enough to one of us that the other conceded, 99% of the time we met in the middle. My parents on the other hand did have the "she wears the trousers, he is henpecked" marriage, which is why I have gone out of my way to make sure I dont, I saw what it did to my father and to me and DSis.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 00:44

I dont interfere!

All I know is what he tells me, I never ever ask. I dont think that she is not good enough for him in fact he asked me about a year in what I thought of her and I said "I think she is brilliant, dont fuck it up!"

My concern is that there has been a definite change in him since the proposal. It makes me uncomfortable. And I have to say, if he was a DD and I was posting this about a boyfriend, I do think that the reaction would be very different :(

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/02/2014 00:50

I'm waiting for the poster to come along saying you're too disinterested in him because you never ask about what he's up to now Grin

It hasn't made any difference to what I've said that he's a bloke.

Do you think it has strayed into abusive?

Or is it just a type of relationship you didn't want your DS to have to learn to deal with?

RhondaJean · 16/02/2014 00:52

Thing is its perfectly possible to have a strong concern about your child and to come on here to express it but to handle it appropriately in real life isn't it?

I'd be worried about a child, male or female, of any age, being made to feel they'd fucked up by being ill. Imagine it in relationships like this:

I have a horrible uti which has moved to my womb and is making me really ill. I've been given antibiotics for it but I can't even walk properly. My DP is not happy, it was valentines day and I wasn't up for doing anything, I couldn't even have sex when he wanted because it was too painful. I'm really sad, how can't make it up to him?

What would that op be told? And if strangers on the Internet would think like that, why the hell wouldn't a close family member worry?

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 16/02/2014 00:55

I sympathise.

As parents, don't we just want them to be adored by their partners and to adore their partners right back? My mum used to say you worry about your kids from the time they first open their eyes till the time you last shut yours.

Thanks
Original poster
Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 00:56

Agent I dont think it has gone into abusive no, but I think that it has the potential too.

Her parents relationship isnt good for the dad imo. They came to DS's 21st and .... I cant describe the atmosphere but it was odd. Her dad spent the entire evening checking her mum was ok, did she want another drink, did she want to dance, should he get them some food? And she was berating him for not getting her another drink when she wanted one, I was sat at the table when he asked if she wanted a drink as her was nearly empty and she said no (with an eye roll) as she had one, but then drained it and said pointedly how long did she had to wait for another drink?! It was on the tip of my tongue to say that the bar was over there, she could buy her own, but I didnt! I smelled gas.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 16/02/2014 00:57

I thought the gf maybe thought he was going off her because he wasn't up for it, it was before he'd been to the drs so he didn't say anything was specifically wrong with him.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 00:58

My mum used to say you worry about your kids from the time they first open their eyes till the time you last shut yours.

Your mum had it bang on :)

Thank you.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 16/02/2014 00:58

So that's what the GF thinks is normal. Oh dear Sad.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 16/02/2014 01:01

Yep, do you see my worry?

Everything was great, then he proposed and suddenly he was in the wrong and she was in charge. Why wouldnt she think that is normal, it is in their family.

OP posts:
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 16/02/2014 01:04

I think I'd try not to interfere but if he did say stuff, I'd ask quite open questions to enable him to clarify his own thoughts. So when he told you about her attitude when he had a medical issue, I might have asked - so how did you feel when she said that? Or - what did you think about the way she behaved?

Hopefully, asking him in a non-judgy way will help him to get his thoughts in order.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 16/02/2014 01:05

And I do see your worry. I would be worried too. Gender doesn't come into it IMO.

WaitWhatOh · 16/02/2014 01:06

I have a son a similar age, sometimes he talks and is open, sometimes not so much. So I think you're just fine with your relationship there. and I feel for you with not warming too, or rather seeing issues with, his Gf relationship.... You are bang on, it sounds very off kilter. :( the only issue is of course, you can't say that really. You can openly say it, but it could backfire and you'd be the bad guy who didn't like his girlfriend.

AgentZigzag · 16/02/2014 01:07

The way my mum treated my dad was abusive in a similar way you describe her parents to be, it was awful to witness.

But I'm naturally not like that, I haven't even done it on purpose to make sure I'm not manipulative, I just don't get anything from the power trip/playing games that she obviously does.

So just because the mum's like that it doesn't mean her DD is going the same way. What you've described sounds normal argy bargy to me, them finding their feet and negotiating their relationship.

Nobody would have relationships if they packed it in just because it had the potential to become abusive.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 16/02/2014 01:08

I'd also pick my moment to ask him what he thought about her parents and their relationship. But my eldest DS would rumble me quickly as we often talk about families and relationships generally.

AmazingJumper · 16/02/2014 01:11

She sounds a nightmare, but there's nothing you can do. Look on the bright side, doesn't sound like she really wants to marry him Grin.

ClairesTravellingCircus · 16/02/2014 06:49

Op I get why you're worried and I think Letsfacethemusic gave you excellent advice.

I also think that it's great that your son can be so open with you, I can only hope my kids will be the same when they grow up.

Best of luck

OhMerGerd · 16/02/2014 07:36

OP you're fine with your relationship with your DS .. It's great that you talk so open together... There are so many parents on MN who would give their right arm to have the relationship you do... so carry right on being involved in his life. Sometimes I think people expect only mothers and daughters to be close and that mothers and sons being close is interfering( especially when it comes to a MIL type situation like this) and I only have daughters, but I have a DP and can tell you that his mothers death when he was 23 ... Well... Put it this way ... They were close like you are and he wishes he could talk to her and share his thoughts/ feelings etc everyday. Of course we talk but a man needs that unconditional love relationship with his mum too .. Someone to champion him and his well being and yes to balance the influence of his significant other. Even if it is me .. :)

Anyway ... You're on here (MN) being worried. Which is as it should be. You're not telling him to dump her, or that she's an ungrateful baggage who should be ditched ASAP and given a dressing down to boot. Which would be worrying. But tbh would be what I was feeling if this was my DS.

Yes she needs to grow up, he needs to man up, and you need to keep making the tea, cake and being his listening ear. As he talks it out with you he is sorting it out in his head. Better out than in ... as they say. He'll work out what's best for him and knowing his lovely, dependable mum is there for him will help him make the difficult decisions if need be and bouy him through the difficult times if they come.

Rant here and nod and smile sympathetically in RL.
You're doing good.

Mugglewhump · 16/02/2014 07:43

Just a thought. I think your son should get tested for chlamydia if he hasn't been tested already. It is a common cause of epididymo-orchitis (if that is what he has got).

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/02/2014 07:55

You sound like a lovely mum.

Hopefully it will be a very long engagement. Perhaps when it's official, you could suggest some pre-marriage counselling? Maybe dominant/hen pecked is ok if everyone's happy with it.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 16/02/2014 08:03

I agree with Bonsoir (that's a first!!) - of course it's ok to talk to adult children about boundaries and dynamics within relationships. Obvs you'd hope these discussions would come up when they are much younger too.

You sound like a great mum and of course we all want the best possible lives and relationships for our kids! Better a mother who cares and is there to share things with than a detached one.

BUT do make sure you stay the right side of the line - DON'T get involved or offer unsolicited advice. Hard as it is he needs to live his own life and make his own mistakes!

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 16/02/2014 08:08

You are too involved, 3 in the relationship ?

LouiseAderyn · 16/02/2014 08:09

I think your relationship with your ds sounds lovely - exactly as it should be imo.

No matter how old my dc get, I will always be their mum and will always want to know if they have problems.

I would also talk to him about the gf parents. Sometimes even the obvious isn't obvious until it is pointed out and your ds is living too close to the situation to see objectively that maybe his gf is copying the pattern of her parent's relationship.

I would go so far as to tell him that if he didn't want that to end up as his 'norm' then he has to change the pattern now.

I wouldn't hold this against the gf (just yet), if she is just reproducing what she knows but you want to encourage your son to copy the more healthy relationship you and his dad have. So anyway, I would talk to him about all of it.

It might also be that in saying to him she is perfect and not to fuck it up, he has absorbed that as disagreement between them meaning she is right and he is wrong!

My dh's parents had a dreadful relationship and it has taken ( is taking) me years to iron out all the associated crap that comes with
it. The sooner he starts, the better. The worst thing would be to say nothing and just let him put up with it.

He might not have even noticed his behaviour changing because it is hard to be objective about ones own relationship, but if it was my child, I would definitely talk to them about this.

If it makes me a mil from hell then so be itGrin

JohnFarleysRuskin · 16/02/2014 08:12

Blimey I would be concerned too. She sounds grim.

Surprised you are getting flack for caring about your son and his relationship but ho hum.