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Original poster

To think that you should not bring a lunch box into a cafe

368 replies

Chocolateandcrisps · 15/02/2014 14:53

There is a lovely cafe in a church which we visit often. There is a little play area which my ds loves and reasonably priced lunches, cakes and a sandwich lunch deal for the kids.

Last week two people walked in with their kids, who were about 3 years old, ordered coffees for themselves and brought out a lunch box for the kids. They did not order cake, lunch etc for themselves - just coffee.

I have given my ds rice cakes, water from cup, snacks in cafes before but never taken out a lunch box.

Am I being unreasonable / judgy to think that you should not bring a lunch box into a cafe for your kids?

OP posts:
hazeyjane · 16/02/2014 12:51

Also, it may not be a human right, but it would be a bit shit if a disabled child was not able to sit and eat with their friends and family, because they weren't allowed to eat their own food.

If I asked and it was a problem, then that is fine, we would go somewhere else, but as I say, it has never been a problem.

Morgause · 16/02/2014 12:52

We get involved when we go into such places to buy a meal but can't find anywhere to sit because it's overrun with children with lunchboxes and parents who think it's fine to take up space.

Dietary needs aside, of course.

SirChenjin · 16/02/2014 12:55

Really? You're regularly going to places overrun with people eating their own food? You need to find somewhere else to go - there are plenty of places (apparently) that have signs up. Or you could complain to the manager that you can't find a seat and ask them to deal with it. Or you could just admit that it doesn't really happen more than once in a blue moon.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/02/2014 12:55

Most life threatening allergies are actual disabilities.

I think you will find that reasonable accommodations should legally be made to allow disabled people to use a service.

If dietary accommodations can't be made then its not unreasonable to allow a disabled member of a group to bring food they can eat with out risking death.

CouthyMow · 16/02/2014 12:59

None of our homes are large enough for more than one other to come round - we have other DC's too, that DO eat in the cafe. I won't change what I do on the basis of this thread, I WON'T be confined to my home because of Ds3's allergies - which ARE classed as severe enough to be disabling, he gets DLA in part because of his allergies, and reasonable adjustments should be made. End of. I won't get 'arsey', I just won't leave until I and the rest of my group have finished what we have paid for.

Annunziata · 16/02/2014 12:59

DH and I own a restaurant. No one has ever asked us (we do have gluten free pasta on the menu though).

Some mothers try and do it and then say that their child is fussy, we just bring them bread, vegetables, plain pasta, whatever they want.

I'd be fine with it, especially if people came back! I would like to give them a plate though, it's not nice to eat out of a lunchbox.

Morgause · 16/02/2014 13:00

Once in a blue moon is annoying enough, SirChenjin.

But it's happened more than a few times during school holidays. The owners sometimes have notices up, especially in holiday-type places, but they are ignored. Owners risk a load of abuse if they mention it.

Both my DCs had food allergies (peanut and some others) but I could always find something on the menu they could eat if it was meal time. If it was packed lunch picnic time I took one as well and we ate outdoors not in a café.

winterlace · 16/02/2014 13:01

Can we just assume for a moment that there are no special dietary requirements.

Is it rude then?

Morgause · 16/02/2014 13:03

Of course it is, Winter and a damned cheek.

CouthyMow · 16/02/2014 13:04

It's lovely that more and more cafés cater for gluten free diets. But not all diets are as easy to accommodate (and Gf isn't easy in the first place, at least not to start with).

Given the choice between a child with coeliac (which I have), and a child with multiple life threatening allergies (which I also have), I can reassure you that coeliac is a walk in the fucking park compared to Ds3's issues, and I never thought I'd find anything harder to deal with...

DS3's life is curtailed enough by his allergies, why should it be curtailed any further because some people can't see beyond the end of their judgemental noses to realise that there is a point. At which food allergies DO become disabling, and that adjustments should therefore be made for them. If those adjustments happen to be being allowed to bring your own food for that child into a place that absolutely CANNOT provide safe food for them, then so be it!

hazeyjane · 16/02/2014 13:06

Ds hasn't got allergies, he just has a restricted diet because of a combination of reflux,poor oro motor skills and sensory difficulties.

i think the point is, that you don't know the reason why a parent might bring out a lunchbox for the child, and that being the case, maybe hold back on judging.

Morgause · 16/02/2014 13:07

No one is saying otherwise, Couthy, if those are his needs then most places would be accommodating, as long as others in the party were buying café food and drink.

It's where there are no issues the problem comes - parents taking the piss.

winterlace · 16/02/2014 13:08

I agree Morgause which is why I think all this allergy stuff is a red herring. We don't know the children in the POP had allergies. Most people are able to choose something from a cafe menu. If you can't the obvious thing to do is not eat at the cafe. If social equitette demands your presence you have a drink and eat your food later. If a DC is with you who cannot wait you buy them a drink and politely ask if they can eat.

But if like most people your children will not drop down dead then you do not eat your own food in a cafe or restaurant!

winterlace · 16/02/2014 13:09

OP not POP - sorry!

Annunziata · 16/02/2014 13:09

Well, Couthy and Hazey and their DC are welcome with lunchboxes any time in our shop :)

CouthyMow · 16/02/2014 13:10

Morgause - wtf did you find on the menu in a cafe? DS3 can't eat any shop bought bread now. He can't eat anything cooked in the same oil as anything containing any of his allergens as his allergies are so severe - I even have to have separate pans and cooking utensils at home because the tiniest trace could kill him.

I've yet to find a cafe that can cater for that...

And are you honestly telling me that you would NEVER meet with friends in a cafe? NEVER? You would make your preschooler eat lunch outside in the pissing rain rather than go to a cafe, buy yourself something, and give them their lunchbox of safe food? Really?

If you found yourself in the situation where NOTHING on the menu was safe for your DC's, you would limit everyone's life THAT much, because it's 'rude'? (Which it isn't, they are still getting the custom of 5 adults and at least 2/3 other DC's, sometimes 12 other DC's, as well as those that have their lunch boxes...it's not an insignificant amount of custom...)

It's unavoidable being out over mealtimes sometimes, shopping HAS to be done, bills HAVE to be paid.

Morgause · 16/02/2014 13:14

Couthy, I could always find something DSs could eat. My DSs obviously weren't as allergic as your DS3. And no one in their right mind would mind such an allergic child as your DS3 eating his own food.

It's the parents who don't want to pay café prices I have a problem with. It's rude to take food for a child with no food issues just because you don't want to pay.

Annunziata · 16/02/2014 13:16

It's where there are no issues the problem comes - parents taking the piss.

Anyone running a shop deals with people taking the piss all the time. If you get cross at one precious mother with a lunchbox, your business will not survive the thefts and the arguers etc!

I just swoop in (well, I'm off with baby just now), ask what the child would prefer, if that's plain pasta, vegetables, whatever, and get it brought over as soon as possible.

CouthyMow · 16/02/2014 13:16

I had DS2 still on puréed food at 3yo due to ASD + hypermobility issues. His purées were made up at home in conjunction with a dietician, no Ella's pouches etc allowed.

Would it have been rude for me to feed him THAT? (He now eats properly at 10, although fussy with textures, I CAN buy something in a cafe for him)

I can't understand why people can't see that there MIGHT be a myriad of reasons WHY someone might have to bring their own food for a DC.

Would anybody complain if a tube-fed DC was fed in a cafe?

Most cafés in my town refuse us with our lunchboxes, so have lost our trade, as we don't darken their doorstep even when the DC's AREN'T with us, why would we? If they can't accept our DC's, then there is no need for them to get any of our money!

The one cafe that doesn't have an issue with the lunchboxes is also the one that caters for coeliacs, and they get a SHITLOAD of our money!

CouthyMow · 16/02/2014 13:19

Why is it always the case that those that aren't taking the piss have to suffer because of those that DO?

I wouldn't take a lunchbox into a cafe for my DC's because I didn't WANT to or couldn't afford to pay for anything for them - I just wouldn't go to a cafe.

However, because other people DO do that, my need to take a lunchbox on medical grounds is often refused because people don't believe I'm NOT taking the piss, even when presented with DS3's medical reports from his allergist!

ziggiestardust · 16/02/2014 13:24

I would definitely bring a lunch myself for my DC if they had allergies, I don't think it's fair that their lives be curtailed more than than would be already.

Trouble is, in the group of ladies I know; only one child (and there's about 10 mums, 15-18ish kids) has an actual allergy with food. It's a nut allergy, and it's quite bad I think. His mum brings him a sandwich if we meet up in town, and then buys him crisps and a drink from the outlet. I can appreciate that not all allergy sufferers can do this. There are 2 or 3 mums though, who bring their children full packed lunches; sandwich, fruit, crisps, drink and then just order themselves a coffee. I think that's cheeky. Especially since I know these kids aren't what I would call fussy eaters; when they have tea at mine, they eat it all up. There are no financial issues, as these same mums are eating out with their husbands and going out on a Friday night absolutely fine.

I think (allergy reasons barred here!) it is mean to the child actually. If you eat in a cafe and give your child a packed lunch, you are saying to that child they are less important than you. If you have financial woes, eating out in a cafe probably isn't too of your agenda anyway, so I think that's invalid. Besides, what are these parent planning on doing once their kids hit 13, 14? Still take a packed lunch? Please. You are a family, all in it together. If you can't afford to all eat out, you don't eat out at all. One in, all in.

ziggiestardust · 16/02/2014 13:25

top of your agenda! Apologies I only just saw that error.

CouthyMow · 16/02/2014 13:27

I'd agree with that, ziggie. I wouldn't take my 10yo to a cafe and eat a slice of cake in front of him whilst pulling out a lunchbox. However, even when DS3 IS 10, I'll have to bring his own, home baked cake with me for him not to feel left out. I can't even buy him a cake from the free from section in the shops, as they are all produced on machinery used to process nuts...

Bloody stupid if you ask me, no idea how they can call it a 'Free From' range if it's not free of nut traces...Confused

ziggiestardust · 16/02/2014 13:28

couthy I'm aghast people don't believe you when shown medical reports. Not that you should need to! My friend who's DS has a nut allergy has been asked whether it is allergies preventing from eating, and whether the kitchen could provide for him if he was just a fussy eater and she just said 'no, he's got xyz wrong and so I provide this for him' and they've always been fine. I think you'd have to be a pretty sick person to PRETEND your kids had allergies so as to not pay for food!

ziggiestardust · 16/02/2014 13:29

couthy I mean that is severe isn't it? Gosh, how hard for him Sad I'm sorry he's been dealt that hand.

Like I say, none of what I've said applies to children with allergies. My heart goes out to them.