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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit resentful about grandparents unwilling to have my DD for the weekend?

72 replies

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 11:11

I think the answer to this is probably yes! I booked to take my husband to Germany for his birthday a couple of months ago and it looks like the family member who was going to have our daughter might not be able to do it now. I called my in-laws to ask, if it came to it, would they be able to have her for the weekend. While my MIL didn't say no outright, it was pretty clear that she didn't want to.

To be absolutely fair to them, she hasn't stayed with them on her own before (she's 5) and they are in their late 60's in ok health. They see us on a regular basis and are generous grandparents in terms of presents, coming to shows etc. I do appreciate that as they've not had her on her own (she's pretty well behaved but can be a bit shy of the MIL) they may have concerns about entertaining her and how she would settle with them. On the flip side though, they had my stepdaughter to stay a lot when she was young and have had her to stay recently. Again -to be fair, she is now 19, had quite a lot to do with them when she was young and they were younger then too. But some bad part of my head is narked that they have always been so keen to have my stepdaughter but now won't have my daughter. Am I being mean and poor spirited?!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 14/02/2014 11:14

Can your step daughter have her? YANBU.

dexter73 · 14/02/2014 11:15

I can see why they aren't keen to have her stay, seeing as they never have before and you won't be able to come and get her if she is upset. I don't think you can really get cross that they had you sd to stay 19 years ago as they were much younger then.

DustyBaubles · 14/02/2014 11:20

I know it's hard not to compare the two relationships, but they are bound to be very different.

Have they never been keen to have your daughter to stay, or is this just the first time you've needed them to?

It would probably make them nervous having your child to stay over while you are out of the country if she is not a child who is used to being away from home. Perhaps they feel that you are only asking now because you are stuck, and not because your daughter wants to see them.

My children were shipped off to stay with the grandparents overnight from the time they were a few months old because it was important to us that they had a close relationship. They now see their grandparents place as an extension of their own home, and the grandparents are always trying to get one or the other to stay for weekends and holidays.

Mandy21 · 14/02/2014 11:21

Can you possibly share the care? A weekend (presumably Friday - Sunday so probably 2 nights and 2 full days) is quite alot if they've not had sole care of her before. Can another family member perhaps take her out in the day if you're worried out them "entertaining" her? Could your step daughter take her out for a while?

If not, do you have time between now and then for PIL to have a little bit of 1:1 time with DD so they're all used to it by the time you go.

yangsun · 14/02/2014 11:21

I think yababitu, it is up to them but I would have thought that as a one off and if they were not otherwise engaged they would have wanted to help out.

VeryBoringName · 14/02/2014 11:24

Bit of a difference between looking after a kid in your 40's and doing it in your 60's I'd imagine.

They probably find the thought intimidating, especially if they've not done it with your daughter before.

Can you give them a trial run first? Leave her with them for a day, then a day & night - that way they'll all get used to each other....

MomentForLife · 14/02/2014 11:29

I see where you're coming from BUT
My parents are mid fifties and my DD has worn them out before just on a day trip.

If I was them I'd see it as a one off, but everyone's different. Hope you sort something and have a good trip.

Chocotrekkie · 14/02/2014 11:34

If she is really shy with them, they have never had her alone before and you are out of the country so cant come back if she wont settle then I wouldnt be keen.

The fact they did it 15 years ago with a different child is irrelevant.

My mum has my sisters kids a lot (virtually daily) and they are absolutely fine with her and wouldn't think twice about staying with her however long.

She doesn't see mine very often (distance is too far for more than 4x per year) and as such mine wouldn't have been easy for her to have overnight age 5.

SirChenjin · 14/02/2014 11:36

It's a difficult one. On one hand, I'm completely with you - sadly our family are not really involved with our DCs, but they are scattered across the UK so we're not often togeter anyway. My DM died 2 years ago, and she was good at helping when she could, but even that was a trek for her. It is very frustrating and disappointing that the adults who are able to be involved choose not to be, for whatever reason.

Otoh - I can't imagine not wanting to help my DD out for a one-off, and would like to think that I would be happy to have my DGC. The only thing I can think of is that she's worried about how she and your DD would cope with you being out of the country for the weekend.

Original poster

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 11:37

They've not asked her to stay ever but to be fair, we've not asked them to either. It was quite clear that it was a no-go so I don't really feel that I can raise the subject again. I do agree that there is a lot of difference looking after a grandchild you're very involved with in your 50's compared to a grandchild you're less involved with in your late 60's - but they aren't infirm so I didn't think it out of order to ask. My step-daughter was the one who actually is supposed to be having her - my daughter has stayed with her and her mother a couple of times as she's been keen to have her. I did check and then double check that they definetly could do this particular weekend before booking flights/hotels etc s. I've texted her a couple of times this week to confirm details but had no response so am a bit concerned at this point - hence calling the in-laws to ask if push came to shove!

OP posts:

DanceParty · 14/02/2014 11:38

Bit of a difference between looking after a kid in your 40's and doing it in your 60's I'd imagine.

60s isn't in your dotage, you know. People in their 60s can still do things

No difference in my mind...........but then I still THINK I am in my 40s!

peggyundercrackers · 14/02/2014 11:54

yabu - why didnt you take your child away with you? why would you think its OK to leave her with someone else while you are out the country?

my brother & his DP leaves their kids with my DM and it pisses me off - both me and my DH always thought it was off when they done it and were off out, we have both always said if we had kids we wouldnt be dumping them off on people while we go out on jollys all the time and have believed if your a family then you go as a family if thats what it takes but if you cant all go as a family then no one goes - dont have kids if your not prepared to look after them and want to dump them on other people - our views may seem a little harsh but its just something we believe in.

WooWooOwl · 14/02/2014 11:55

It's unfair for you to be resentful of them when you say that they are loving and involved grandparents.

People can be excellent grandparents without doing overnight care of their grandchildren, and I don't think you can compare how they looked after a grandchild fifteen odd years ago with how they look after grandchildren now.

It doesn't mean they love your dd less than they love your DSD, it just means that their lives are in a different place now.

Original poster

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 12:04

Peggyundercrackers - your brother may go off on jollies all the time but we don't thank you very much! This is the first time ever we're going out of the country for the weekend - it's for my husbands birthday and we're going to see a band he loves in concert, hence not taking my daughter. She has been to stay overnight with her half sister 3 times in her life as her half sister has been very very keen to have her as she doesn't get to see her as much as she wants to. Other than one sleepover, she's not stayed with anyone else. We're not as you have implied in the habit of dumping her!! :-(

OP posts:

clairemum22 · 14/02/2014 12:09

Really peggyundercrackers you should never go out without your children?

jacks365 · 14/02/2014 12:11

I have dc with a 14 year age gap and my parents are the same age as you in laws and I can see a big difference with the patience they had for my older dc and the youngest. I wouldn't ask my parents to babysit the youngest for a weekend because I honestly don't think they would cope very well though they are very involved grandparents and my dd adores them.

WaitMonkey · 14/02/2014 12:12

YABU. They where a lot younger when your dsd was a child. An entire weekend is a long time to look after a 5 year old. Even if they are in good health, you can't really complain if they don't want to mind your child.

BackforGood · 14/02/2014 12:32

Really peggyundercrackers ?

You think that once you have a child, you can never, ever have any time together just as a couple ? What an odd way to lead your life.
OP had already made arrangements before booking the trip, she's just now a bit concerned about there being a possibility that they might fall through.

I can understand that people heading towards 70 might not want a 5 yr old to stay for the weekend if they've not had her before and she is shy around them though, Grandparents or not. What about your friends who have children? They will have much more empathy, and will find it much easier to look after a little one as will have all the toys and stuff to hand. I'd do it to help out a friend if they'd been let down.

LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 14/02/2014 12:49

Peggy - you are being ridiculous!

dustarr73 · 14/02/2014 12:49

peggyundercrackers wait till you have kids,i bet you be saying a different thing then

Weegiemum · 14/02/2014 12:50

peggyundercrackers from your post it seems that you don't have children yet.

We have 3 - now 10,12,14 and we've left them for weekends while we had time as a couple - gone to Barcelona and Paris, also visited my dh's ailing grandmother who died shortly afterwards. Mainly a couple of days away locally, or even at home!

We do most things with our children (just back from a fantastic 5 days as a family in London!) but there are some times you need time as a couple, and we are lucky to have my parents and dh's mother to help out. I stayed with my grandparents as a child. It was great!! I don't feel guilty about needing some adult, couple time!

MimiSunshine · 14/02/2014 12:56

Could you call DSD's mother and ask if everything is ok with DSD as you haven't had a reply and are worried. Assuming shes being an unreliable teen rather than ill ask if they are still ok for this weekend (it sounded like DSD still lives with her)

MrsPnut · 14/02/2014 12:58

Oh Peggy - the most perfect parents are always those that don't have children. :o

OP, I can understand why you feel irritated. Hopefully things will work themselves out with your SD.
My MIL is much older due to a big age gap between my OH and his siblings so whilst his sister had free childcare whilst she worked, DD2 is too much for her to cope with on her own. She still loves spending time with her but she's in her late 70's and DD2 is 8.

expatinscotland · 14/02/2014 13:19

I'd definitely have left our 3 with grandparents for a getaway had that been possible - my parents are abroad and DH's, though younger than mine, have always had poor health.

We managed some evenings on our own when my folks were here. DD1 would always cry, despite her age, and then forget about us after the door was closed and her grandparents were at her beck and call!

We stayed with ,y mum's parents as kids. We had a blast.

LoonvanBoon · 14/02/2014 13:27

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, for the reasons you have given yourself. They are loving grandparents in other ways; they've never had your daughter to stay on her own before & she's a bit shy with them; & nobody really has a right to expect babysitting / childcare from grandparents.

You can't help how you feel, though, so don't beat yourself up about being mean-spirited! You're obviously not that, or an unreasonable person, as you showed in your OP that you do in fact understand where your PIL are coming from.

Is there anyone else who could have your DD for the w/end? Hope you still manage to get your break.

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