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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit resentful about grandparents unwilling to have my DD for the weekend?

72 replies

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 11:11

I think the answer to this is probably yes! I booked to take my husband to Germany for his birthday a couple of months ago and it looks like the family member who was going to have our daughter might not be able to do it now. I called my in-laws to ask, if it came to it, would they be able to have her for the weekend. While my MIL didn't say no outright, it was pretty clear that she didn't want to.

To be absolutely fair to them, she hasn't stayed with them on her own before (she's 5) and they are in their late 60's in ok health. They see us on a regular basis and are generous grandparents in terms of presents, coming to shows etc. I do appreciate that as they've not had her on her own (she's pretty well behaved but can be a bit shy of the MIL) they may have concerns about entertaining her and how she would settle with them. On the flip side though, they had my stepdaughter to stay a lot when she was young and have had her to stay recently. Again -to be fair, she is now 19, had quite a lot to do with them when she was young and they were younger then too. But some bad part of my head is narked that they have always been so keen to have my stepdaughter but now won't have my daughter. Am I being mean and poor spirited?!

OP posts:

newgirl · 14/02/2014 13:28

i think it is a real shame your family won't help you with this - mine don't either.

I plan to help my dds as much as possible if they have kids as I know I didn't get it!

I think in a society when divorce is now so high then it would help enormously if parents who are able to could help with childcare now and then

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 14/02/2014 13:34

hahahahahahahhahahahaha HA at peggyundercrackers I too was such a fab mother with ALL SORTS of high minded ideals before I had my own. Teee heeeeee.

MothratheMighty · 14/02/2014 13:36

It's the lack of preparation that has let you down, they don't know her well enough to feel they would be able to manage her and ensure she was happy for a weekend without you able to collect her.
DustyBaubles, my siblings and i have all done the same with our children and the grandparents, and now mine are adult, they have a close and loving relationship with them.
Your in-laws sound great, OP. Honest and supportive, and prepared to say when something is outside their comfort zone. A good foundation for a relationship.

sugar4eva · 14/02/2014 13:38

Op could they look after her in your home the gp may be more confident then plus she wd have all her stuff to play with ? You certainly are allowed grown up time : our gp never volunteered to have dc and we did not have couple time for 9 years . Have good time x

flowery · 14/02/2014 13:38

Having someone else's child to stay for the weekend is a big ask, and I don't think you can be narked that they are reluctant OP.

I also think it's the type of thing that needs to be offered really, rather than requested. I would have got your DH to just mention in passing to them that the babysitting may have fallen through. If your PIL were up for a weekend of childcare, they would have offered at that point.

None of our DC's grandparents have ever offered to have them so much as overnight let alone for the weekend. It's a shame and I'd love to be able to go away with DH, but I would never directly ask as I wouldn't want them to feel they had to say yes.

Shakey1500 · 14/02/2014 13:42

Blimey peggy that's a bit harsh!

You'd love us, we "abandoned" our 2 year old for a week whilst we went for jollies in Rhodes. Had an absolute blast, as did DS at his Nanna and Grandad's. DS is now 6 and has also recently stayed at my sisters for the weekend whilst DH and I had further jollies in Amsterdam

It does all parties a world of good in my opinion.

OP I hope you get something sorted

specialsubject · 14/02/2014 13:46

doesn't sound like discrimination between the two girls, but more the passage of time. They no longer feel young enough or fit enough to do it and sensibly don't want to take the chance. 15 years is a very long time.

doesn't matter what other 60 year olds do.

sorry. Your problem, I'm afraid.

hootloop · 14/02/2014 13:47

Peggy I see where you are coming from but you shouldn't judge other people I'm afraid, some people need a break fron their children I have never felt that need myself but I acknowledge it is real. and I am a parent who has a seven year old and four year old and always take them with us, if something is not suitable for children we don't do it.
It's not an unusual thing but it does appear so on mumsnet sometimes.

OP I think your PIL have every right to say no for whatever reason they have but YANBU to think it would be nice if they did yhe same for your child as they did for your stepdaughter.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 13:51

My parents are in their late 60's and are worn out after a day looking after grandchildren. Although they love their grandchildren are are active and involved grandparents, I think they would be reluctant to look after them for a weekend.

Most older people I know, say they didn't understand when they were younger, how much more tired you get as you age, even if your health is fine. Of course there are exceptions, but I have heard so many people say this, that I think it must be true.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 14/02/2014 13:51

So wish there was some way I could tag Peggy in order to follow her amazing parenting skills if and when she does have little ones. Be a right laugh.

Blu · 14/02/2014 13:52

So actually, it may still be OK for your DSD to have her?

Fingers crossed!

MothratheMighty · 14/02/2014 13:58

'Peggy I see where you are coming from but you shouldn't judge other people I'm afraid'

No, let her. Then when she eventually has children it will be so much more fun for everyone else.
Like when a relative said 'We try and channel his negative energy into more positive thought patterns' about her PFB toddler when I had used the n_ word that was absent from her lexicon.
He's 12 now, with siblings. How we have chortled along her journey. Not her mind, she re-writes as she goes.

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 14:01

Just as an aside I think it wonderful that you have a good enough relationship between yourselves and you DHs ex that your DD stays sometimes at her house with her half sister. In many stepfamilies that would be unthinkable.
I agree that 60's in good nick are easily capable of looking after one DGD for two days.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 14:03

bahhhh - Are you in your late 60's?

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 14:03

Mothra

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 14:04

Late 50's Grennie

Pigletin · 14/02/2014 14:04

Oh Peggy - the most perfect parents are always those that don't have children.

Comment of the day

Sorry, not very helpful to the OP!

drnoitall · 14/02/2014 14:04

Peggy what a stupid thing to say, so obvious you are a mum of none. Out of interest what drew you to "mums" net?

Yab panicky I think, and perhaps irrational at the reality of possibly having no child care in place.

I actually don't think yabu. So long as they have their health and no other plans with some preparation this could be a lovely "holiday" for dd and gp.

I have no family or friends to ask do this kind of favour so that may sway opinion. But I do not think 60 is actually that old.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 14:05

Bahhh - Then I would suggest respectfully that you have no idea how tired people in okay health in their late 60's may get.

Pigsmummy · 14/02/2014 14:05

I would just take her with you. Your original plan failed and now it's not fair on your DD your parents to leave her with them if she hasn't stayed before.

Yanbu in your original plan but YABU to want to leave her leave her in an unfamiliar situation.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 14:06

Late 60's, 68/69 is not very old. It is old enough to have an impact on the tiredness levels of mnay people in this age group. Although I know there are exceptions.

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 14:09

I have a few friends in their sixties as my DH is older than me and I can think of a few (of the 'in good nick' variety) who regularly look after their DGCs and have them stay over etc. and who really really enjoy it. These days especially many people are very very active and still very energetic in their sixties and beyond.

notso · 14/02/2014 14:13

peggyundercrackers I suggest you wait and see how you feel when you have children. I had many strong beliefs before I had DC and some of them dramatically changed once I had them.
When my children are all grown up and have left home, DH and I will be left no longer being Mum and Dad. I feel it is just as important to maintain a relationship as a couple as it is to enjoy one as a family.
If you Mum doesn't mind looking after them then why should you mind on her behalf?

MothratheMighty · 14/02/2014 14:14

Most current primary teachers will be managing 30+ children when they are in their late 60s. I still think it's about the lack of prep.

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 14:14

So they would get tired ........and ? There are two of them and this is not some horrible chore they are being asked to do as they apparently are very fond of their DGD by sound of it. It would surely be of the 'happy tired' variety.

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