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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit resentful about grandparents unwilling to have my DD for the weekend?

72 replies

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 11:11

I think the answer to this is probably yes! I booked to take my husband to Germany for his birthday a couple of months ago and it looks like the family member who was going to have our daughter might not be able to do it now. I called my in-laws to ask, if it came to it, would they be able to have her for the weekend. While my MIL didn't say no outright, it was pretty clear that she didn't want to.

To be absolutely fair to them, she hasn't stayed with them on her own before (she's 5) and they are in their late 60's in ok health. They see us on a regular basis and are generous grandparents in terms of presents, coming to shows etc. I do appreciate that as they've not had her on her own (she's pretty well behaved but can be a bit shy of the MIL) they may have concerns about entertaining her and how she would settle with them. On the flip side though, they had my stepdaughter to stay a lot when she was young and have had her to stay recently. Again -to be fair, she is now 19, had quite a lot to do with them when she was young and they were younger then too. But some bad part of my head is narked that they have always been so keen to have my stepdaughter but now won't have my daughter. Am I being mean and poor spirited?!

OP posts:

cjel · 14/02/2014 14:14

I posted this once but t disappeared. We had dgd living with us when she was small as dd was still at home and young. We had her all the time and when dd got married had her for the two weeks they were away. We were 40 and my ds was only 14 so we were still used to it. Now 14 years later, when poor ds asks I find it harder, I am now on my own and he has 3 (8,3 and 2) and I do find it daunting.
I see them a lot and have them in the day but the weekend would seem a lot to me.

I always love to hear what people without children think It must be wonderful to have such a life plan!!
My dgc don't feel as if they are being abandoned when they 'have' to stay with me they love it and they enjoy the fact that they have parents who are still allowed to be people as well!!!!
I too would love to tag PEGGY and see how it actually pans out!!

HappyMummyOfOne · 14/02/2014 14:19

Theres a large age gap inbetween your sd and dd so i doubt its favouritism. Perhaps they feel they have raised their own children and done their fair share with their eldest grandchild that they now just want ti sit back and enjoy being a grandparent rather than childcarer.

I'd help DS with childcare whilst he worked or for special nights out where possible but wouldnt be happy to do weekends or weeks so he could go off on holiday. As a parent you have responsibilities, holidays should be for all. Plenty of time before having children to do all the child unfriendly things you want to. I'll be in the minority i know but i just cant imagine giung abroad for fun and leaving DS at home.

There are grans at school that look simply shattered and have little free time to do what they want too. Some parents are very selfish.

cjel · 14/02/2014 14:23

MORTHA - Teachers do not' have to feed, bath, dress, carry, feed, bath put to bed for 48 hours in a row. I am 54 had my two dcs at 21 and 22 and have e5 dgc, am now really too tired to the point physical symptoms after having them for an overnight. I see most of mine daily and am still very involved but overnight is not the same. It also is not the same as becoming a teacher at 20 and STILL be doing it in your 60s it is more on par with suddenly having 20 years off and then be expected to do it , Like with people telling PEGGY to just wait and see, it really is true that the tiredness is different. I am fit and active but the weariness is something that is hard to explain, don't underestimate it.

MothratheMighty · 14/02/2014 14:27

I don't, I'm in my mid fifties and know that I'm not the dynamo I was in my 20s.
I just think that the gps are being asked to care for a shy child they have not had overnight yet, for 48 hours with the parents out of the country.
That would be far more worrying than having to deal with the needs of a single child for 48 hours, especially if they usually slept and had no additional needs.

Original poster

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 14:28

MothratheMightly - I prepped (checked that my Stepdaughter/her Mother who've previously had my daughter to stay a)wanted to have her and b) could do that weekend) TWICE!! before booking the concert tickets, flights and hotels. I'm not that much of an idiot! It's just now, not having heard back from the SD that I double checked with the MIL should it come to it whether they could have her. Whoever has suggested that I check with the SD's mother - good idea and yes, we're lucky in our SD's mother.

I agree that I am being a bit unreasonable - some time's you just need to hear it from somebody else not involved in your day to day life.

OP posts:

Bahhhhhumbug · 14/02/2014 14:29

I agree with the shattered downtrodden weary looking older grandmas(usually) we live on a school run and see many of them. I feel like going out and saying 'You have done all this once , you look exhausted , don't you think you deserve a life of your own ?'
But as said upthread I have older friends in their sixties who love having their DGCs and even take them on holiday etc.
I also agree I wouldn't plan to leave my child with grandparents of this age and go on regular holidays etc. But this is a one off situation and I would hate to think ten years from now (if hopefully I have kept my good health) that if my DD/DS were stuck from being let down at last minute that I wouldn't look after one DGC for a few days.

winklewoman · 14/02/2014 14:55

The notion that if you are in your late sixties and in good health you are incapable of looking after your DGCs for a couple of days is absurd. I am that age and more than happy to have ours to stay. We love it. You are NBU.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 15:01

winkle - The OP said okay health. That is not the same as good health.

VenusDeWillendorf · 14/02/2014 15:09

I find play dates exhausting! Especially if I don't know the kids well, and amn't sure how well they behave (have had a few jumping on furniture, and needing toileting help... Have had some real WTF moments)

Sorry, OP but you need to accept that they have their reasons for saying no, and they are well withing their rights to refuse.

You need to find someone else to look after your dd.

VenusDeWillendorf · 14/02/2014 15:09

within

randomAXEofkindness · 14/02/2014 15:11

As a parent you have responsibilities, holidays should be for all. Plenty of time before having children to do all the child unfriendly things you want to. I'll be in the minority i know but i just cant imagine giung abroad for fun and leaving DS at home.

You might not be able to, but I can! This thread has set off a lovely little fantasy in my head of sitting (the whole time - not having to get up 6 times for extra juice that was spilled partially on my dinner/the green stripy straw/a spoon to pick the bits of mushroom out/to wipe ds2's bum) at a table on the beach, feet in the sand, eating lovely food, drinking alcohol (!!), talking (without being interrupted!!!) to dh (the guy who's patiently slept on the couch for most of the last 5 years so that our 3 kids could take his place in the bed) with my boobs permanently in my bra. One day [wistful smiley face]

As a parent you have the responsibility of making sure that your dc's are properly cared for. The op's dd is 5 - past the age of separation anxiety. If somebody suitable who loved and cared about her and was willing and able to look after her for 2 days, did so, it certainly wouldn't mean the op had failed in her responsibilities as a parent.

Oooh I could just see myself dancing the night away (and dh looking awkward ), going back the hotel for - uninterrupted! - fantastic sex...

I hope everything works out op. I'm rooting for you .

Original poster

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 15:15

Grennie, they are pretty active and walk a lot (they have a small rather mad dog) but the MIL has high blood pressure which she has tablets for. Hence the OK - no problems getting about at all but could probably do with loosing a bit of weight (but then, me too!).

OP posts:

gilliangoof · 14/02/2014 15:17

My children have never spent the night away from home, apart from my DS when I was giving birth to my DD. As they aren't used to this I'd be quite reluctant to leave one of them for a weekend. Could you maybe try one night first & see how that goes before leaving her for a whole weekend.

Original poster

SJaneS · 14/02/2014 15:17

and Rando,AXE - sounds bloody good to me too!x

OP posts:

lanbro · 14/02/2014 15:17

My 70 yo mil has my almost 2yo twice a week. She has bad asthma and chest problems yet they spend all day walking round the village, going for a teacake, playing in the park etc. She won't hear of dropping a day and reckons she would be dead if it wasn't for our dd! The cousins are much older so it's been a long while since she had little ones but says she's got a new lease of life! She's already asking when dd2 can go as well even though she's only 5 mo!

My parents are 60 & 67 and regularly have dd1 overnight. I very rarely ask, they want to have her. Dd2 will be going later on in the year so we can go to a wedding.

All the gps are fabulous and they want to spend as much time with dds as possible, I have never abandoned my children, they are lucky enough to be very lived and very wanted by everyone, in fact there are more toys at mils than ours!

lanbro · 14/02/2014 15:18

Doh, very loved!

MothratheMighty · 14/02/2014 15:19

'MothratheMightly - I prepped (checked that my Stepdaughter/her Mother who've previously had my daughter to stay a)wanted to have her and b) could do that weekend) TWICE!! before booking the concert tickets, flights and hotels. I'm not that much of an idiot!'

That wasn't what I meant, and I certainly don't think you are an idiot by any means. I meant that if your DD had stayed with her gps overnight several times, and then for a weekend several times before them being faced with the idea of having her for 48 hours with you not instantly available.

Crinkle77 · 14/02/2014 15:27

Actually I think they are being a bit mean. OP had made alternative arrangements but she has been let down and is asking them for a favour as a last resort. If they can't go then they will lose a lot of money which would be such a waste.

winklewoman · 14/02/2014 16:08

Grennie, I would have high blood pressure, like SJane's MIL, if I did not take the tablets, but as I do, and they work, I would say my health is good, not OK. I would certainy not consider it an excuse for refusing to have the DGCs to stay.

Grennie · 14/02/2014 16:12

winkle - at that point the OP had simply said her MIL had ok health. She hadn't said what the issue was. There are plenty of illnesses that leave you with ok health, but do make you tired more easily.

pinkyredrose · 14/02/2014 16:36

I wss on your side OP until your comment about your MILs weight.

It's 'losing' btw not 'loosing'.

olgaga · 14/02/2014 17:00

You've said your DD is "a bit shy" of your MIL so on that basis alone I wouldn't go out of the country leaving her with them for a whole weekend.

Perhaps they have your DD's interests at heart and that's why they don't think it's appropriate.

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