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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bemused by the phrase 'young mothers'?

110 replies

ComposHat · 13/02/2014 22:45

It sounds rather archaic, but I've still heard it used on here from time to time. However never been sure if it refers to

A) Women who had children at an early age

Or

B) Women with very young children.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
NearTheWindmill · 15/02/2014 10:02

Sorry that was a bit off topic but also a bit off topic when I was in Sainsburys yesterday evening the fantastic manageress said, when I went to customer services/tobacco counter, to change two 50s for a £1 "is it just change you want young lady". I reckon she's mid 40s; I'm mid 50s. I didn't find it patronising - in fact it made my day.

MorrisZapp · 15/02/2014 10:02

I had DS at the age of 39, so I'm an older mother. Women who have kids in their teens or early twenties are younger mothers.

Can't see any problem with calling something what it actually is.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 10:28

It's because it usually isn't "calling something what it is", and people use "young" as a synonym for "inept" or, worse, "chav".

I knew I'd hit a new low when a woman in Aldi at the opposite checkout spent the whole time I was waiting to pay, staring at my bump, tutting and shaking her head. In fairness I look 16 rather than 19 but still - what is this magical age where you suddenly become capable of being a good parent, and what is it that "young mums" are lacking that makes us so incapable of being any good?

In fact my dissertation is about stigma and prejudice of being a young parent Grin

StealthPolarBear · 15/02/2014 10:42

Moomins I bet that's interesting!
Can I just say in slight defence of the stereotypes that I work with data in a health setting. In general, children of very young mums do worse than average And so do the mums themselves (pnd, poverty, smoking, don't finish education). This is u18, I doubt this extends much further. So measures ae put in place to reduce teenage pregnancy and to support teen parents. However everything I do on the topic has a big disclaimed that this is all data based and is not a rule to stereotype by!
Same as older mothers - stereotypically they breast feed and have c sections. Obv can't be applied to all.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 11:07

I just wanted to add to my previous post that I absolutely agree with measures to reduce the amount of teenage pregnancy; in my area the level of sex education is horrendous, and the rates of pregnancy in under 20s reflects that, and it's something I'm quite passionate about Grin

I just don't believe the way to achieve that is through piling every mum under 20 into the same category and writing them all off as useless, which is what a surprisingly large amount of people seem to do.

(This is not directly aimed at anyone on the thread - as I say it's my diss topic so I've been researching it a lot lately)

takingthathometomomma · 15/02/2014 11:15

I think what needs to be done is to address the social issues that cause these statistics. Young women, teens, have been giving birth since man begun. Why is it that it is such a social issue today? Statistics only show a snapshot of any issue.

I also tire of hearing "oh but so and so was over 18 so they don't really count." 18 is not a magical age when maturity suddenly sets in. A friend of mine had her child at 14, (yes, 14.) she breastfed, completed her GCSEs and A-levels at the normal age and is currently at university set for a 1st. Her son is well behaved, well looked after and very bright. I also have another friend who had her first at 20 and, quite simply, isn't coping very well. Their ages are irrelevant as they are different people in different circumstances.

Worriedthistimearound · 15/02/2014 11:50

Moomin, I wouldn't judge your ability to parent but I'd def in my head be thinking along the lines of 'oh my gosh, she must be mad to want to do that so young.' So I think it may be worth noting in your dissertation that not all judgements on younger mums are so black and white.

So I wouldn't assume bad mum or unable to cope mum or a disgrace in any way but my own experience of being unable to contemplate it until half way through my 30s would make me stop and think what your reasons may be. For me the idea of having a baby in my 20s with all my student debt and whilst trying to establish a career and save a deposit etc was horrifying. Likewise, I'm quite sure others are horrified seeing me have this baby mid 40s. It would be interesting to see where individual pre-conceptions come from.

MoominIsGoingToBeAMumEEEEK · 15/02/2014 11:57

Thanks Worried. I'm really hoping to show a balanced opinion. My classmates, who will be among those watching it, will be expecting a "Teenage pregnancy is wonderful and we are saints and above reproach" kind of thing, and the outside people I'll be inviting in will be expecting an "End teenage pregnancy, they are all scum" approach so I'm really hoping to go down the middle, really balanced and maybe surprise a few people Grin (it's a performance degree so we have to create and direct a performance piece as well as writing the dissertation)

I'm so interested in what makes us 'ready' to have a baby, and what shapes our judgements of whether others are ready :)

TwittyMcTwitterson · 15/02/2014 12:25

Is anyone ever 'ready'?

I was 24 and could almost be described as terrified my whole pregnancy. I felt I was far too young. Most of my friends were on at least their second child, some had 8yr olds.

My mum was pregnant at 19. She was never terrified and actually looked forward to it, though she did get a hell of a lot of stigma from her mum (obv my gran) who talked to her about young Unmarried mothers, I'd be a bastard etc etc. the same gran was very excited by my pregnancy assuming, as she likes my DP and never did my dad, that it was planned and only briefly mentioned marriage was the right path to go down.

Stereotypes and judgements are a tricky road because often they don't even make sense Wink

StealthPolarBear · 15/02/2014 12:30

Moomins I recently looked at the infant feeding survey results. It showed teen mothers more likely to smoke which isn't a surprise. I wondered whether it links to the general feeling of "it won't happen to me" that teens tend to have - the risky/ exploratory behaviours. However lots of younger mums tried to quit when pg iirc.
Anyway in true stereotypical form as a 34 year old mum of primary aged children im off to the national trust place near us :o where my children will moan about being cold and also ask for ice cream spend an educational afternoon identifying leaves and running in the fields

bragmatic · 15/02/2014 12:37

It's all relative I guess. I consider anyone under 27 a young mum. I consider a teenager a teen mum. I consider anyone over 35 an older mum. It is what it is.

mrsjay · 15/02/2014 12:41

when does a mum stop being a young mother i am 42 and my dd is in her 20s so am i still a young mum crosses fingers

lotsofcheese · 15/02/2014 12:49

Altogetherwondeful: "mothers who actually have the energy to run around after their kids" and "career options once their kids are grown" WTF?!

As an older mum (41) with a 5-year old & 10 month old, I can assure you I have the energy & resources to provide adequately for my children.

As for career progression, been there, done that - a long time ago! Got to the top in my late twenties/early thirties & have been able to negotiate part-time hours recently to suit due to my senior position at work. In my twenties I travelled the world, built a successful career & invested in property.

It doesn't matter if you're old or young. Bashing others mums for their age is just facile & pathetic.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 15/02/2014 14:01

I didn't take her post that way lots of cheese, think you've misunderstood

Worriedthistimearound · 15/02/2014 14:04

Yes, personally, in my 20s, I wanted to use all that energy travelling the world, building a career and having great, uncomplicated sex!
I'll be mid 50s when this final baby leaves primary school but have no desire to obsessively pursue my career in the way I did 20yrs ago so each to their own I say.

I would imagine if you've missed out on it all by having your kids young then your desire to do it in your 40s will be far stronger than women who've done it the other way around.

TheXxed · 15/02/2014 14:04

Neither did I Evees

Worriedthistimearound · 15/02/2014 14:06

My shrugs was to demonstrate that whilst I was absolutely sure in my 20s that my way was the only way, these days I'm far more pragmatic and genuinely think each to their own.

SummersDumbAsPie · 15/02/2014 14:44

I think it came across that way too. I don't know why people feel the need to make comments like that about older mothers. There's no need for negativity either way.

TheXxed · 15/02/2014 16:18

Lotsofcheese she was clearly joking I think you made a choice to be offended.

Your post could easily come across as sneering and patronising.

I'll direct you to a post made earlier in the thread.

I find it strange how women in their 20s are infatilised when it comes to things like this.

I do think there is a real expectation/belief that women in their 20s are still 'girls', they must be thin and pretty and sexually available, they must squeal over shoes, and live for the weekend and Have Fun. It's not really about 'working on your career', not everyone has a 'career' and even those who do will get shafted when they have babies in their 30s

The fact that you find the need to come on this thread and post the comment you did says far more about you than the topic at hand.

lotsofcheese · 15/02/2014 19:35

TheXxed - I'll reiterate what I posted previously: it really doesn't matter to me whether anyone is an old/young/whatever mother & it's not something I really would see fit to comment on.

Who cares? I don't. We all just make the most of our choices & circumstances. I don't judge older/younger mothers & don't expect to be judged either.

TheXxed · 16/02/2014 09:32

If that were the case why did you respn

TheXxed · 16/02/2014 09:33
TheXxed · 16/02/2014 09:34
  • If that were the case why did you respond to a light hearted post with such a snidey comment.

I don't believe you.

lotsofcheese · 16/02/2014 10:35

I was merely responding to (and disagreeing with) Altogetherwonderful's assertion that older mothers lack the energy to run around after their children & resent younger women's career path.

That has not even the case with me. I'm pretty happy with my life and choices. And I'm sure others of all ages/stages are too.

MrsCosmopilite · 16/02/2014 10:39

To me it suggests women who had children whilst quite young. Just reminded me that my dear late mum used to go to a 'young wives club' at the local church. No idea what the criteria was for that...