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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be bemused by the phrase 'young mothers'?

110 replies

ComposHat · 13/02/2014 22:45

It sounds rather archaic, but I've still heard it used on here from time to time. However never been sure if it refers to

A) Women who had children at an early age

Or

B) Women with very young children.

Can anyone help?

OP posts:
maillotjaune · 14/02/2014 08:24

Grin at 1980 being recent (we were still our husband's property as far as the tax man was concerned, twas a world away).

Young mother is not used as a straightforward description ime, but a veiled criticism.

altogetherwonderful · 14/02/2014 08:24

Mothers who actually have the energy to run around after their kids, while still maintaining a youthful glow & career options once their kids are grown.

Makes older mothers seeeeeeeeetheGrin

TheXxed · 14/02/2014 08:29

Sl1h22 my midwife loved me, at 23 I was one on her youngest patients. I had an easy labour was discharged quickly.

One the community midwives who came to visit said she prefers visiting younger mothers because we just get on with it.

And most of the women who BF at baby clinic are young, BME or both. Experiences differ drastically depending on where you live.

impty · 14/02/2014 08:32

It was A, and could be very patronising when my dc's were very young. Although, now they are teens I get less bother, just get complemented on how well I'm looking (yes, because I'm 10 years younger than you!).

I now notice that the people who do use the term in a derogatory way are Mum's who have an issue with their age, and worry about being an older Mum.

It's the same when certain people in my life harp on about how dd1 wasn't planned, and their dc were, therefore they are much better parents I just smile and remind them that it's all worked out fabulously.

KarmaVersusGeorgeOsbourne · 14/02/2014 09:24

It's patronising. Can you imagine using 'old mother' in the same way? Horrible. A mother is a mother, we don't need the little dig at age.

I was married in my early/mid 20s. I had finished university, had been with DH some time, loved on my own from the age of 19. I was shocked at some of the reactions, really shocked. The number of people who made comments about my age, tying myself down, how sad it was Confused

Yes I was younger than average, but I was not some sort of child bride- I was/am a fairly independent, confident, adult woman.

I find it strange how women in their 20s are infatilised when it comes to things like this.

I do think there is a real expectation/belief that women in their 20s are still 'girls', they must be thin and pretty and sexually available, they must squeal over shoes, and live for the weekend and Have Fun. It's not really about 'working on your career', not everyone has a 'career' and even those who do will get shafted when they have babies in their 30s.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

mrssnodge · 14/02/2014 10:58

You cant win- I had mine young- dd1 at 18, dd2 at 21 and ds at 25, now at 46, they are 28, 25 and 21, but looking at back at baby photos I looked old, and think( probably deluded) that I look betterr now! Wasnt judged cos I looked older, now Im a proud gran of two, and told I dont look old enough- its great !!!!

MeinHerzBrennt · 14/02/2014 11:08

My local children's centre runs a "Young Parents" group, for anyone up to the age of 22, pregnant or with children. Given that I am 23 in a few weeks and will be too old to attend, does that now make me an "old parent"?

deepestpurple · 14/02/2014 11:17

A GP referred to me as a "young mum" last week, I was flattered. I'm 33.

It hadn't occurred to me that it was a derogatory comment. In fact I don't think it was.

Maybe it depends how its said and the circumstances.

Don't be too quick to take offence!

takingthathometomomma · 14/02/2014 13:55

Weegiemum that's the kind of group that really, really irritates me. I had DD and 17 while doing my a-levels, got good grades and went on to university just the same as all of my friends. A lot of other "young mums" I know done the same too (and I'm not just talking one or two). Why can it not be a group to support any mums in literacy and numeracy? Why the assumption that young mums simply must need that support?

takingthathometomomma · 14/02/2014 13:56

(By the way that's not an attack on you weegiemum, more on the group itself)

brettgirl2 · 14/02/2014 14:11

I dunno I think it is often used for any mum with young children. tbh by definition most women with young kids are v young aren't they (well if young is under about 40!). I guess I am 36 so have no issue with being described as a young mother Grin

NearTheWindmill · 14/02/2014 14:16

I was referred to as a geriatric primagravida with my first. Young mother is far more flattering imo.

getdownshep · 14/02/2014 14:50

I was a young mum, dd1 at 22, married with a mortgage.
I was also a trained nursery nurse who was asked to help a few of the 'older' mums put a nappy on the right way round and how to hold the baby in the correct way as a couple had no idea.
I may have been judged by them but I knew stuff they didn't.

LemonDrizzleCake11 · 14/02/2014 15:18

With DC1 I clearly looked young as the NCT teacher invited me to the 'young mums' (under 23) local group, promising free breast pumps and other goodies... sadly since I was well past that age I had to decline.

This time round, a mere 2 yrs later, there is no danger in me being mistaken for a young mum as I now look so hagged!

CHJR · 14/02/2014 16:19

People often do use "young mothers" to mean "new mothers" though. It always ticks me off as I was an old new mother but that didn't make me less a mother!

WWOOWW · 14/02/2014 17:02

I had my first DC aged 16. I have never felt patronised in any shape or form.

I am currently writing my dissertation on Teen Pregnancy and have been working hard to put a positive slant into my work. Unfortunately (a lot) of research shows that Teen pregnancy does have a negative impact on the teens and the child's life chances... more MH, less likely to be working, less likely to finish education and more chance for the child to become a young mother/father themselves.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 14/02/2014 18:51

It's A and usually used as judgement of some kind.

I don't get what it is about the age of 25 that you are suddenly deemed capable of having a child? My OH and I decided to try for a baby at 24. I made an appointment to get the contraceptive implant removed and received a letter from the doctors explaining that as I was under 25 the appointment had been ban yedcancelled until I had spoken to the GP about my reasons for wanting it removed.

I also had the breastfeeding comment "oh well done you I thought you wouldnt want to at your age".

Really gets on my nerves.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 14/02/2014 18:55

Been cancelled. They didn't ban yed me from the surgery, whatever that means Confused

NotSoChicAfterAll · 14/02/2014 20:00

The term young mothers irritates me.
I live in an affluent area, where the average for your first child is mid thirties.
I'm 22 & had DD 5 & half months ago, I've found it hard to make friends as IMO they look down on me as in young. I think they're also shocked to see I'm still Ebf her

ScentedScandal · 14/02/2014 20:08

Hmm I hadn't thought of it before (or used the phrase btw) but yes it sounds patronising. If age were a factor I'd be an 'old mother' I suppose and I wouldn't like to be described in that waySad. It's wrong to define someone by their age for no reason. I will pipe up if I hear it used.

StealthPolarBear · 14/02/2014 20:11

ooh Koala you young mothers!!
I sometimes think the worst thing about being a mother under the age of...well I suppse it depends where you live, round here probably 20, is constantly having to be on your guard. I was a respectable 26 when I had my DC (pretty much grandparent age), married, full time job. I feel comfortable that if my children have a mucky face (all the time), wild hair (ditto) or are misbehaving (hopefully less often) then people will assue I am a fundamentally OK parent who is having a bad day or letting her children get filthy before bathtime. If I were ten years younger, I don't think I'd be quite as comfortable. I imagine I would always assume I'd be judged, and often, I would.

takingthathometomomma · 15/02/2014 08:14

Stealth spot on! It's like the eyes of the world are watching you when you're a young mum.

Mimishimi · 15/02/2014 08:28

It doesn't really stop when you get older either. I'm now 37 (38 this year) and my daughter just turned 13 a couple of months ago. She's now the same height as me and when we go out together we get so many smirks. This doesn't happen when I take my seven year old out. I've been told I look like I'm in my early thirties so they are probably passing judgement based on their erroneous assumption I had her in my teens.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 15/02/2014 09:08

Notsochic do we live in the same town? I have the exact same problem. One of them even told me how great she thought it was that we had decided to go ahead with having an unplanned baby so young!

NearTheWindmill · 15/02/2014 09:59

I don't think it's just about young mothers though. I remember having a miscarriage at 36 (already had ds and had miscarried late before him) and the lady who did the scan said ................."oh,are you upset because you wanted it". I sometimes think the entire health service conspires against a planned and wanted baby whatever the ages and circumstances of the parents. It felt to me on too many occasions that it would have been easier to get an abortion than caring care. When I lost the first baby I went to the GP afterwards to talk about risks for the next and all I got was ........"and did you want it". This was years ago (ds is 19 now) and she didn't breathe a word about folic acid which had just come in or the groundbreaking project at Kings (measuring the nuchal fold to estimat the the probability of Downs) which was within my area.

Sometimes I just think that whatever one does where children are concerned some people and especially the child related health services go out of their way to patronise and put you down.