AIBU to be pissed off with this letter from the school re: DS(6) absence?

[DancingLola]

My grandmother (so DS's great-grandmother) passed away at the end of January, and her funeral was arranged for Tuesday this week. I told DS's teacher last week that he would be off school to attend it, and wrote a quick letter to the HT saying the same.

Today he handed me a letter when I picked him up from the HT that stated they received my request for permission for him to be absent, that they were keen to optimise his leaning opportunities and that there are 190 days allocated for school holidays & family activities and they urge families to arrange everything within those days to avoid the possibility of a fine. However, on this occasion they can authorise 1 days absence to attend the funeral and offer their sincere condolences at our loss.

This has really pissed me off, as I didn't actually ask for permission in the first place! I told them he would be absent, and in all honestly I didn't care whether it was marked as authorised or not. I know that rules have changed and it's rare to authorise a day blah blah blah, but this was for a funeral - hardly a fun day out! IMO all they needed to say was we received your letter, and can confirm that we will mark him as authorised absent for the day. I didn't need irrelevant facts about 190 days of the year for holidays and family activities - a funeral doesn't come under either of those. I'm guessing it's a general template that they work from, but even so, it just seems insensitive to me.

I can't tell if I'm BU about this, Tuesday was an exceptionally hard day (not least arriving at the cemetery to find the grave hadn't been dug) and my moods have been up & down so I don't want to create a mountain out of a molehill, but part of me does want to complain. This is the first day he's ever had off school since starting in Reception, so it's not like I make a habit of taking him out.

So, AIBU?

Dear HT,

I was appalled to receive your letter dated . I enclose a copy of it as I can only hope you didn't read it before signing.

I can tell it is written to a template. However, while I can see that urging parents to take days off in the 190 days available to them would be appropriate for a holiday, I hope I don't need to point out how crass it is to suggest family deaths should be carried out at the convenience of the school.

I strongly urge you to change your template in the case of absences for funerals. Perhaps you could confine yourself to authorising the absence and expressing your condolences.

Yours

DancingLola

I got a similar letter when I took DS out for the day for a funeral. It's just a standard letter. Schools are under enormous pressure from OFSTED not to authorise any absence under any circumstances. That letter is covering their backs. At least you got condolences - my letter wasn't even as tailored as that!

It may be that the Head knows nothing about the letter, more likely someone in the office sent it out,not paying particular attention to what was in it.

I would be politely bringing it to his attention as, if it has his signature on it, he may wish to change future letters to avoid causing distress.

My condolences on your loss.

YANBU.

It is a rubbish template. I agree you should make a measured complaint aimed at trying to avoid causing other families similar distress. Perhaps wait a day or two or until after the funeral when you can compose it while not still in shock.

I took DS (then 5) out of school for a week when my brother died abroad last year. Later that term DS was quite ill for a week. We didn't receive any letters like yours at the time - indeed, instead the school's apparently nice SEAL instructor/bereavement counsellor kindly said she'd "take care of everything" and I thought that was that.

Then, come the end of term, I received a horrid template letter like yours, burbling about how such lost days of school will add up to result in my son's future career being blighted, and threatening us with a visit from the education welfare officer "if the situation doesn't improve", while "acknowledging that we did give a reason at the time". It was personally signed by both the HT and SEAL instructor. I cried all day. Over-reaction I know, but I kept thinking "yeah, right, next term I'll bother to make sure that no other family members die and my son doesn't end up in hospital again".

I didn't complain at the time as I was so OTT upset, but am drafting a letter to send the next time we receive one of our school's regular "How are we doing? If we send this out we'll get OFSTED brownie points" questionnaires.

I would go ape shit at this letter. Totally inappropriate. What are they thinking of. Please complain to everyone you can think of. I'd be tempted to write to bastard Grove and tell him the crap letters bereaved people are receiving, thanks to his stupid guidelines.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I wonder how many families would use 'family funeral' as a get out clause if they thought it would automatically be accepted.

Dear school thanks for the heads up on holidays and such I will pass this onto to all the elderly relatives in my family who may be about to conk it....I am sure they will do their best to pass on and have funerals on school designated holidays.

root2 - so what should the alternative to not automatically accepting a family funeral be? Requiring proof? So a copy of the death certificate/bill from the funeral directors/representative of the school attending the service to verify we are actually there?! Yes there will always be people who lie about why their children aren't at school, but that isn't what this thread is about.

FossilMum that is awful, and is precisely why I want to complain. You shouldn't have been sent that after such a difficult time, particularly following assurances that all would be dealt with by the SEAL instructor, and I'm not surprised you were so upset. I'm sorry for your loss.

I wouldn't respond to it, I really wouldn't.

It's crass, insensitive, unthinking and stupid to send out that particular template in these particular circumstances. But I don't think there's anything to gain by kicking off about it. They're authorising it, so you won't have to hear anything further about it. YANBU but let it go. Why stress yourself further?

Sorry for you loss.

I'd be cross too. I get the issue but agree that bereavement is different. There are better ways of managing this. I would reply and explain why this is inappropriate and insensitive.

I do think schools have a responsibility to role model appropriate communication and behaviour for their pupils. I expect 6 year olds to be being taught how to be kind to one another when they are hurting or upset. This letter fails to do so.

Compassion and good manners cost nothing, yet make such a difference to everyone's quality of life. Both parents and school staff have a part to play in teaching children this.

"For want of a nail the shoe was lost........."

That lazy jobsworth approach to communication will be repeated ad infinitum unless it is nipped in the bud.

To not complain about a letter like that is to blindly accept a cultural degradation that I find unacceptable. Once we lose basic compassion for others that us Brits are so famous for we've lost something totally irreplaceable.

We can hardly complain about the growing gang and other anti-social teen subcultures when the teens themselves have been partially raised in such callous environments as that school letter suggests. The lack of apparent empathy amongst some teen offenders should be of great concern to us all. Yet we need to be prepared to look in the mirror to find where the seeds of that empathy void may have been sown.

Longtall's letter is perfect.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I thought there were 190 school days and 176 non-school days.

It is a bad template if it is a default and I don't think it would be disproportionate to feed back on that basis.

OP, I would be fuming!

I wonder if your DC are at the same school as mine (same borough).

Brilliant post bochead. I couldn't agree more or have put it nearly as eloquently.

I have actually sent dd1's school a reply along the lines of "thank you so much for retrospectively granting authorized absence so dd1 could attend her grandma's funeral. I will certainly be informing our older relatives of your point about term time absences being disruptive and ask them if they could confine their dying to fit in with Berlin school holidays. I'm sure they will make every effort to do so.
The class teacher had the grace to apologise but I don't think the school has changed their standard letter since.

So sorry for your loss.

I'd go for sarcasm - how very rude and insensitive of them.

I remember being on a 3 week training course at work and being told, when I needed a day off for my 95 year old grandfather's funeral, that they'd expected people to be 'more committted' to the course. I don't think I've ever been more insulted. Amongst other things, it's one of the reasons I haven't gone back post-maternity leave.

How dare someone else try and dictate when and how you and your family grieve? Idiots.

Longtalljosie has it spot on...almost. I'd also be suggesting more effective training if this was sent in error and not a standard letter issued in bereavement cases.

The awful thing is if the letter is only worthy of being binned or ignored then it was never worth of being sent In thr first place to a person they know is vulnerable and doesn't need this stupidity in there life

You could definitely flog that letter to the Tabloids.
I wouldn't have the energy to be cross. Hope it's a dim memory soon.

YANBU and so sorry about your grandmother, OP.

However, please can people calm down and stop whipping an already emotional poster into an angry frenzy?!

Yes the letter was crass.

NO it is not indicative of the 'cultural degradation' of society and a new 'callous' Britain!

NO she shouldn't take it beyond the head and cc her MP!

We all know why the letter was sent - because schools are under so much pressure from education department over this issue. Let's have a bit of 'compassion' for the teachers and HTs who are on their knees.

Sorry about your gandmother

As previous posters have said, I would complain to the school purely to stop that same letter being sent to a parent who has lost a partner or a child. Not that I'm trying to create a hierarchy of grief but, you know... No need to go overboard but it does need to be flagged up so it's changed.

My mum died a few weeks ago.

I emailed school to tell them that DD would be absent for 3 days to attend the funeral.

The head replied that they understood that it was important for mini downtown to be with the family at this time, that the absence was authorised and offered their condolences. That's it.

It is possible for schools/heads to authorise these things in a compassionate way without banging on about rules and holidays. I was very grateful to them for making it a non issue.

I find this whole school absence thing in the UK astonishing. I'm in france and I asked ds' teacher if he could miss the last two days of term so I could get back to England in time for a friend's party that was very important to me. His teacher's response was, "of course. Social learning is almost more important than academic learning at his age (7) so enjoy it. Do the 2 days give you enough time as he can have up to 4 days before you need to explain why he's off."

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles Sat 15-Feb-14 08:34:38
We all know why the letter was sent - because schools are under so much pressure from education department over this issue. Let's have a bit of 'compassion' for the teachers and HTs who are on their knees.

I do have compassion for teachers, etc, but that is no excuse whatever for the sloppy admin that resulted in the letter received by the OP.

It is very, very easy and takes seconds to create a template to cover bereavement sensitively.

Especially since the letter received by the OP was clearly altered to mention the grandmother's funeral. In the time taken to alter the letter, reference to the 190 days, etc could easily have been taken out.

In my previous role of office manager (okay, not a school but still admin) I had created several templates for letters to cover different situations. It's easy to do and shows basic respect to the recipients.

OP I would, in your situation, definitely complain to the school, and copy in the Chair of Governors if no apology was given.