AIBU to be pissed off with this letter from the school re: DS(6) absence?

[DancingLola]

My grandmother (so DS's great-grandmother) passed away at the end of January, and her funeral was arranged for Tuesday this week. I told DS's teacher last week that he would be off school to attend it, and wrote a quick letter to the HT saying the same.

Today he handed me a letter when I picked him up from the HT that stated they received my request for permission for him to be absent, that they were keen to optimise his leaning opportunities and that there are 190 days allocated for school holidays & family activities and they urge families to arrange everything within those days to avoid the possibility of a fine. However, on this occasion they can authorise 1 days absence to attend the funeral and offer their sincere condolences at our loss.

This has really pissed me off, as I didn't actually ask for permission in the first place! I told them he would be absent, and in all honestly I didn't care whether it was marked as authorised or not. I know that rules have changed and it's rare to authorise a day blah blah blah, but this was for a funeral - hardly a fun day out! IMO all they needed to say was we received your letter, and can confirm that we will mark him as authorised absent for the day. I didn't need irrelevant facts about 190 days of the year for holidays and family activities - a funeral doesn't come under either of those. I'm guessing it's a general template that they work from, but even so, it just seems insensitive to me.

I can't tell if I'm BU about this, Tuesday was an exceptionally hard day (not least arriving at the cemetery to find the grave hadn't been dug) and my moods have been up & down so I don't want to create a mountain out of a molehill, but part of me does want to complain. This is the first day he's ever had off school since starting in Reception, so it's not like I make a habit of taking him out.

So, AIBU?

[mummymeister]

IsitwrongtofancyHarryStyles are you a teacher then or is your partner? I know lots of teachers. they aren't on their knees. This thread isn't about how teaching is the toughest job in the world so we should cut them some slack. its about someone sending out an insensitive template letter rather than taking 2 mins to make sure it has a bit of empathy. The OP will complain to whoever she thinks it is appropriate to do. My point is that if we, any of us, let this sort of thing pass then it just becomes the norm to send out thoughtless, upsetting letters. behaviours only change when they are pointed out to people. By making a complaint the OP is in fact doing something really positive for everyone else at the school that might suffer a bereavement so out of this crap something good might come.

[DancingLola]

Ititwrong thanks, but I don't think I'm in an angry frenzy. I'm pissed off yes, and I want to make it clear to the HT that they need to review the letters that are sent when bereavement is involved, but I'm not chasing down my MP or the papers over it (I'm reserving that energy for if the funeral directors don't come back with a sufficient apology/refund following the appalling situation we ended up in on the day)

I've never had much contact with the HT other than the odd hello in the playground in the mornings, but I get the impression that they seem to be quite reasonable, so I expect they will probably apologise & follow up with the relevant staff. It's just a shame that I have to do it in the first place!

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

Euphemia I daresay your schools aren't publicly ranked by their aggregated attendance figures then? That's where the absurdity starts.

As the saying goes, you don't make a plant grow by measuring it.

[HoratiaDrelincourt]

::wistful sigh::

[ivykaty44]

NO it is not indicative of the 'cultural degradation' of society and a new 'callous' Britain!

thats your opinion my opinion is that this type of behaviour will become normal and it is not pleasant behaviour it is crass and unthoughtful. if you have a culture of unthoughtfulness it is detrimental to society as a whole

If teachers and heads are on their knees then they need to stop writing these letters - there is no need for them as some schools choose to write compassionate letters at such a time even now.

[krasnayaploshad]

OP YANBU
I would do as others have recommended & provide 'feedback' on the letter you received & why it was inappropriate. That way the school can improve & hopefully not make the same mistake next time.
If someone isn't told when their behaviour is unreasonable, they will keep doing it & think it's acceptable.

[deakymom]

i would definitely tell them that a new template is in order for funerals its offensive back in the bad old days a friend of mine had a death in the family the school rang to demand why this frequently absent child was once again not at school the parent whispered im at a funeral WHAT? you heard the school say the vicar took the phone duly informed the school there was a funeral taking place and on this occasion the mother would not be able to take the call she got flowers and an apology for that one (and shown how to switch the phone off)

[Frostedloop]

Flip it round, point out to them that every letter is a learning opportunity on how not to be a copy and paste, insensitive fucktard.

[perfectstorm]

Incredibly insensitive. Really, really sorry you had that to deal with, OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[DancingLola]

Just to update on this, I've finally received a response to my letter (3 week later!)

^Dear 'DancingLola'

Thank you for your letter dated 17th February 2014 regarding the authorisation of exceptional leave for 'MiniDancing' to attend his Great-grandmothers funeral.

We have to follow strict guidelines set by the Local Authority when authorising exceptional leave. I appologise if you felt that the paragraph advising a fixed penalty fine was inconsiderate. As a school we are consistently striving to work with families to improve attendance.

'MiniDancing' was actually given authorised leave to attend the funeral for the one day requested. This was then extended to a second day when you rang to say you had been delayed.

yours sincerely

HT^

Is it me, or have they completely missed the point of my letter? I don't fecking care about authorised absence or not, I just wanted them to understand that a more sensitively worded letter for circumstances involving bereavement was necessary! And they spelt DS's name wrong, both times in the letter.

[ClownsLeftJokersRight]

I don't understand why the letters have to be standard and trotted out in such a crass and insensitive fashion.

There should be no need for standard letters in some most cases. If they are in possession of the reasons why, then all that can be achieved is bad feeling from the family on the receiving end.

'As a school we are consistently striving to work with families...' this is all they need to be concerned with. That and treating each of those families as an individual case. There is no 'standard'; how worrying that the person running the place hasn't worked that out

[cingolimama]

Dancing, no it isn't just you, that HT is either 1) deeply stupid
2) rude or 3) batshit crazy. Or maybe all three.

This woman is in charge of an educational institution? She needs to learn more about civilised social interraction.

[Pimpf]

I think I would reply stating that they seem to have missed the point of your originally letter, ad reiterate what you said originally.

[phantomnamechanger]

Not the best response from the HT and DO pull them up on continually spelling your child's name incorrectly, that is not on.

[DancingLola]

Yes I think I've got to go back, at least on the spelling issue.

'Dear HT,

Thank you for your letter, however you are spectacularly missing the point. Allow me to reiterate....

p.s Stop spelling minidancing's name incorrectly, it's really not that difficult!'

Perhaps I should copy to the Governors too, one of them might actually have a better grasp on the issue than the HT does!

[Timetofly]

Suggestion: Request that the governors review the letters relating to the Attendance Policy, in particular the templates used in cases relating to bereavement. Write letters to the HT and to the Chair of Governors, if you leave the letter to the Chair in a sealed envelope with the school office they will pass it on.
Understand that the governors will have seen the letters being used and approved them when they last ratified the Attendance Policy. Governors set policy, Headteachers implement.

[Charlie01234]

Write to the chair of governors - that is the only way a sensible person will get involved and actually provide an acceptable response.

[Musicaltheatremum]

That's an awful letter from the school. I took my kids 13 and 15 to the funeral of the husband of their old nanny(she was and still is a great friend of mine). He died of a brain tumour (which their dad( my husband) also had and died 3 years later) so very challenging for them. Not only did he let us have the day off but let us have the next day off too. Your head has totally missed the point and is heartless.

[Glasshammer]

Ht's letter was a total cop out. 'sorry you felt bla bla bla' is not an apology for their lack of compassion. Email the govnors and copy in the head. Make a formal complaint.

[DancingLola]

Good suggestion Timetofly I will do that.

Am still a bit bemused that the HT just doesn't get it...

[Timetofly]

As I said, the HT is following a policy and might be badly handling the situation, but ultimately the governors approved the wording of the letter. I would send the same letter to the HT and Chair of Governors, and ask them to let you know the outcome of the governors' deliberations.
Personally, I don't think this needs a formal complaint, I think if you write in a constructive fashion and say that the letter was upsetting at a time of family grief it will be looked at.

[northlight]

Our education authority has an 'exceptional family circumstances' category for this type of absence. I don't know if it applies throughout Scotland.