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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with this letter from the school re: DS(6) absence?

102 replies

DancingLola · 13/02/2014 18:29

My grandmother (so DS's great-grandmother) passed away at the end of January, and her funeral was arranged for Tuesday this week. I told DS's teacher last week that he would be off school to attend it, and wrote a quick letter to the HT saying the same.

Today he handed me a letter when I picked him up from the HT that stated they received my request for permission for him to be absent, that they were keen to optimise his leaning opportunities and that there are 190 days allocated for school holidays & family activities and they urge families to arrange everything within those days to avoid the possibility of a fine. However, on this occasion they can authorise 1 days absence to attend the funeral and offer their sincere condolences at our loss.

This has really pissed me off, as I didn't actually ask for permission in the first place! I told them he would be absent, and in all honestly I didn't care whether it was marked as authorised or not. I know that rules have changed and it's rare to authorise a day blah blah blah, but this was for a funeral - hardly a fun day out! IMO all they needed to say was we received your letter, and can confirm that we will mark him as authorised absent for the day. I didn't need irrelevant facts about 190 days of the year for holidays and family activities - a funeral doesn't come under either of those. I'm guessing it's a general template that they work from, but even so, it just seems insensitive to me.

I can't tell if I'm BU about this, Tuesday was an exceptionally hard day (not least arriving at the cemetery to find the grave hadn't been dug) and my moods have been up & down so I don't want to create a mountain out of a molehill, but part of me does want to complain. This is the first day he's ever had off school since starting in Reception, so it's not like I make a habit of taking him out.

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
bochead · 13/02/2014 23:29

It's so sad when a lazy jobsworth destroys a home/school relationship. How hard would it have been to deviate from the template letter on this occasion, in order to include some compassion?

I honestly think certain aspects of the education system have totally lost site of the end goal of school in recent years. Hard to believe an institution will do it's best to develop the emotional literacy of it's pupils based on THAT communication.

What ever happened to the days when ALL school staff from the cleaner to the HT, used to prompt children to be kind to one another and to remember their manners at all times? Staff demonstrated kindness by role modelling it for the children too. The result was that a kid from the roughest home knew how to conduct himself at a job interview.

mummymeister · 13/02/2014 23:35

so sorry for your loss DancingLola. please respond to this letter. copy it into all of the governors, to Ofsted, to your MP and to your Local Education authority. Goves law regarding time off is ridiculous but it doesn't stop schools using common sense. this is lazy admin. lazy head teacher who cant be bothered to consider the individual circumstances. I hope that they hang their heads in shame if they are reading this. Unless people kick up a fuss this will just keep on happening. there is no humanity in this at all. what a culture and spirit this head must bring to their school.

fifi669 · 13/02/2014 23:44

Just leave it. It's badly worded but it's not the end of the world. Complaining to ofsted/governors/MPs? Don't you think that's a little ott?

breatheslowly · 13/02/2014 23:54

Fifi - just leaving it means that the same letter will go out to the next person who takes their child to a funeral.

DancingLola - I would personally write a response as I think that I would be angry enough in a meeting with the HT to cry.

Did the HT sign the letter? If so, then it isn't just an admin person using a template. If you sign a letter you really should read and consider the content.

mummymeister · 14/02/2014 07:34

no fifi669 I don't think it is a bit OTT. if the OP doesn't write to these people then the school will do it again and again. when they are challenged on this eventually they will turn round and say "arhh but this is our first complaint and we have sent hundreds of these" That's what the H/T is relying on. people being british about it and not making a fuss or complaining. When someone writes something so crass and insensitive they damn well deserve to be challenged on it and called out to explain. I would be savage. I would have the local press down as well. no one should have to put up with a letter like this at such a sad time.

LongTimeLurking · 14/02/2014 07:50

It is clearly a template letter they send in reply to every request. I wouldn't get upset about it (well I would, but there is no point really). Typically petty bureaucrats who think they have more power than they actually do.

MrsCakesPremonition · 14/02/2014 08:00

It might be a template but they managed to adapt it to include the details that it was for a great grandmother's funeral. It was ill-thought out and poorly executed and someone needs to let them know that they have thoughtlessly made a bereaved family a little more unhappy.

Jinty64 · 14/02/2014 08:00

I would write a nice letter to HT thanking him for authorising your requested day off. I would then ask that he look into using a different "template letter" for bereaved families as you found the suggestion that you were damaging your sons education at what was already a very difficult time very hurtful. Mention that you would not like another family to feel as you did when you read such an insensitive letter. Finish by saying you look forward to hearing his thoughts on this in the very near future.

This leaves you very much in the right and the school in the wrong.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/02/2014 08:02

Mummy, I know you are massively against the new clarification to the law but I think a letter back to the HT pointing out that they need more than one template letter is proportionate. You don't complain to the Financial Ombudsman first when your bank doesn't register a cheque going in; you talk to the bank.

tiggytape · 14/02/2014 08:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 14/02/2014 08:07

That is awful.

The letter doesn't even make sense as it's obvious that no one has control over the date of a funeral!

It would be more understandable if there was a letter with the day authorised with the guidlines thrown in seperately iyswim.

tiggytape · 14/02/2014 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 14/02/2014 08:48

Tiggytape - even if the HT is the only one able to authorise absence, there are much better ways to phrase it:

Dear X,

Thank you for informing us that Y will not be in school on Z to attend his Great-grandmother's funeral. May we offer you our sincere condolences at your loss. Y's absence will be marked as authorised.

Yours sincerely,

HT

That doesn't explicitly say that the absence is authorised by the HT, but still makes it clear that the absence is an authorised one.

WorraLiberty · 14/02/2014 08:52

please respond to this letter. copy it into all of the governors, to Ofsted, to your MP and to your Local Education authority.

OMG, massive over reaction to a school using the wrong template...

Chesntoots · 14/02/2014 08:57

Im sorry for your loss.

When my mum died I took a day off work. At about 10.00 my team leader rang and asked when I would be fit for work.

He was mortified - nobody had told him why I was off.

I think this letter is extremely insensitive and I would certainly be pointing this out to them. I wouldn't manage it without a bit of sarcasm though.

whatever5 · 14/02/2014 08:59

They need to change the standard letter for those who are absent for funerals. The letter you received was totally inappropriate.

The school should be able to word a letter in such a way that it complies with the law without being insensitive and offensive.

mummymeister · 14/02/2014 09:01

worraLiberty - no it is not a massive over reaction. the OP got more sympathy and understanding about her loss from a bunch of people she doesn't even know on MN than from the h/t of her childs school who presumably knows the child and the family. why is it acceptable to use the wrong template because to use the right one would have taken a bit of thought and time and someone doing their job? . sorry but it isn't. Thedoctrine - this has nothing to do with my hatred of the Gove law but everything to do with my despair at the use of standard letters for everything which actually stop people having to think about what they are saying first. its lazy and its uncaring. and it wont stop unless people are pulled up on it. I just cannot abide this cut and paste society.

Original poster
DancingLola · 14/02/2014 09:31

I think the signature is a printed one, it's hard to tell as it's black ink. I was assuming the HT hadn't read it though, as hopefully the spelling mistake and slightly dodgy grammar would have been altered!

Whether or not I require permission for taking him out of school doesn't really matter to me, I had no interest in how they marked him absent under these circumstances. He's 6 years old, he wasn't going to be missing a vital exam, and actually until now has had 100% attendance since he first started school.

I just really want to point out to them that this isn't appropriate, and they need to realise that a one size fits all template doesn't work when it comes to time off for a funeral. It's quite clear this letter is designed for refusing time off. It is extremely lazy admin, and as a PA (who has worked in education before) it annoys me! Common sense is all that's needed here; if the standard text isn't relevant to the situation then remove it!

Bereavement should always be handled sensitively, and this hasn't been.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 14/02/2014 09:34

Ok , but it's still OTT to write to your MP in the first instance, before even giving the school a chance to apologise which I'm sure they will.

mummymeister · 14/02/2014 09:38

don't hold your breath on that one doctrine. after all its only a case of "we sent out the wrong standard letter" . How many others in DancingLolas school have been sent this inappropriately I wonder.

Procrastreation · 14/02/2014 09:40

YANBU - but it's a template letter.

Theas18 · 14/02/2014 09:43

Sorry for your loss but it really isn't worth being pissed off at school.

It's a standard thing, they don't have control over policing absence. And ultimately the DID grant absence. Chuck letter and move on.

Original poster
DancingLola · 14/02/2014 09:44

I wasn't planning on going to my MP, just the HT and possibly school governors if no apology was forthcoming.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 14/02/2014 09:47

I wonder if the teachers would advise the students to be writing letters in the same way, leaving sections in from a template letter that are not relevant to the correspondences.

Original poster
DancingLola · 14/02/2014 09:49

I have a friend with a child at a different school within the borough. She took her child out for similar circumstances and it was only ever discussed with her child's teacher, no letters regarding permission were needed. So it seems that some schools use a bit if discretion.

OP posts:
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