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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this mother was Completely Out Of Order Today

86 replies

mentaltodolist · 12/02/2014 06:50

Revealed tonight by an upset DD: -
Today DD, age 6 (youngest in class) was eating her lunch in school gym with friends when the mother of boy (age 7 1/2) in her class came in, went up to DD's ear and said 'stop distracting ' (insert son's name) in class'. Her DS then came & stood next to his mother. My DD said 'I did not distract **' - mother then said 'I'm going to speak to your Mum about this'. DD said 'OK'.
General Background: My DD has been off school with a D&V bug for a week & was just back in class today. This woman is chair of the Parents Assoc. She ranted at the Head during a meeting I was at & said 'Bullsht' about a particular matter. Her son cries before school most mornings - I know he's having a hard time in class & in a reading support group. He has called my DD 'wierd' on a few occasions but my DD - just shrugged it off. Anyway - I'm actually furious, as is DH.
I feel like the mother should have spoken to the teacher if her son was 'distracted' in class. I speak to DD's teacher every day after school. She is new & very, very thorough, giving a detailed précis of every single occurrence in class re: work & behaviour. I've drafted an email to Teacher & Head but haven't pressed Send as I need to breathe first. What would you do???

OP posts:
Tailtwister · 12/02/2014 09:03

It was completely wrong of the mother to approach your daughter directly. If there were any issues she should go through the teacher and only the teacher.

I would speak to the HT immediately and ask her to deal with it.

whiteblossom · 12/02/2014 09:09

Wow, Id be furious too. This woman should not hold a position at school if she cant control herself or follow correct measures for dealing with such a complaint. She sounds a loose canon.

You should complain in full, in writing to HT.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking · 12/02/2014 09:09

I would be furious about this. What have You written in your email to the school op?

whiteblossom · 12/02/2014 09:12

How on earth did she even get in the school hall at all. Don't they have security measures, can people just walk in and about? Why was she there at lunchtime- just to speak with your daughter?? Did she have a visitors pass and for what reason. Id be asking more questions, this women should not have been able to speak directly to your daughter!

Ledkr · 12/02/2014 09:13

Is she crb checked? Shouldn't be swanning about accessing children.

I've met this type of parent twice now.

Kids have issues, not helped by their parents over reaction to everything, so they seek to blame every other child around them rather than address their child's problems.

I tend to let mine sort out their own problems but regretted it recently when one if these parents accused my dd of bullying after I'd told her to ignore this child's nasty behaviour for weeks.

So yes report it.

Norem · 12/02/2014 09:17

Do you live in a very small community OP?
On an island?

OpalQuartz · 12/02/2014 09:27

I'd definitely complain.

WilsonFrickett · 12/02/2014 09:32

I too would be asking some pertinent questions about her crb check. It is not on for unaccompanied visiting adults to swan about a school.

Original poster
mentaltodolist · 12/02/2014 09:35

Pros & Cons: In draft e-mail I've stated (with polite yet palpable fury)
this is what my DD said has happened (then given all the deets) / I am incredulous & find this unacceptable etc / please advise on school's policy & what action the school will take & as I will not speak to this woman directly, due to previous form in a PTA meeting…

HT was at that PTA meeting & will know exactly what I'm going on about.

WhiteBlossom: Everyone at the school knows her & I believe she takes her son lunch in every day. She would have waved a hello to School Secretary (as her office is right at front door) then walked straight into lunch hall with her DS's lunch in hand. A couple of parents of SN DC & younger DC do this...

Thanks all so far - you've helped so much. Thanks I've been feeling just sick with anger.

OP posts:
Original poster
mentaltodolist · 12/02/2014 09:38

Hmmmm - not sure if she has crb check TBH.

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 12/02/2014 09:38

Why doesn't she send in a packed lunch before school?

Original poster
mentaltodolist · 12/02/2014 09:41

Opal: good question. That's what 98% of the other parents do...

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 12/02/2014 10:07

It sounds like the school are at fault for not laying down boundaries with her.

WilsonFrickett · 12/02/2014 10:21

There was one of 'those' at my last school - although I can't imagine she would have behaved as in the OP. Head of fundraising committee for the school, organised a free local event so the school had given her office premises, you were just as likely to bump into her in the corridor as a teacher.

However she was at least crb checked. because I asked

Original poster
mentaltodolist · 12/02/2014 10:31

E-mail has been sent - will update later.
Will probably need chocolate at some stage today...

OP posts:
DaddyPigsMistress · 12/02/2014 11:15

Is it really that unusual to talk to the teacher at the end of tge day? Ive got a 14,11and 3 year old , and at every infant/primary pick up the teacher and sometimes the Ta is out saying hello, how are you as you get your kid.

helenthemadex · 12/02/2014 11:27

I would be furious, its not up to a parent to go and speak to a child about things like this, its very intimidating for a child and I am glad you have sent the email. I would follow it with a call or chat to the teacher/HT

rollonthesummer · 12/02/2014 11:31

The teaching saying a general,'hi!' is v different to talking each mother how their child's day was.

RevoltInParadise · 12/02/2014 11:31

Well done sending the email. I would be fuming!

notapizzaeater · 12/02/2014 11:36

Even if she is allowed in school every day she should not be telling your daughter off. I volunteer In school and sometimes I've wanted to say something to another child that's upset my child but don't, I mention it to the teacher if its serious enough.

WaffilyVersatile · 12/02/2014 11:38

I always say hello to my dd's teacher and she often instigates a conversation - I like to make sure that the lines of communications are open between us and that she finds me approachable as a parent because I have a moody relaxed face and have been told in the past I look a bit irritated all the time which I am usually not

Clutterbugsmum · 12/02/2014 11:55

I would be asking to see the school safe guarding policy. Parents should not be allowed to entry the school grounds, let alone have access to the children within the school buildings other then drop off/pick up time.

I'm school governor and a member of the parent forum and can not enter the school for anything other then official business.

Floggingmolly · 12/02/2014 11:58

Why is she allowed to bring her child's lunch in every day? Confused
Being on the PTA doesn't normally give you the freedom to breeze in and out of school premises at will. Very odd.

Our school is like Fort Knox; and if you had any reason to go past the reception area you would be accompanied by a teacher the whole time.
I prefer our setup, tbh.

MothratheMighty · 12/02/2014 12:03

We have lovely parents who help out in all sorts of roles in school, from free fruit washing to PTA and school events to changing books to teaching support groups and dealing with specific medical stuff for their own children.
They can be encountered in all sorts of locations.
If any one of them misused their access to speak to a child in the way that your daughter was, that would be an instant interview with the head, a clear warning given and possibly a second chance, depending on the severity of the exchange and the feelings of the child involved.
No third chances, not even for the head of the PTA and if she was related to Gove. My head has her priorities right.

CSIJanner · 12/02/2014 12:09

Whilst its nice to have such a small, well knit school, this is outrageous! I help at DC1's school - I have to be buzzed into the grounds, seen by a member if staff to be allowed in the actual building, sign myself in plus wear a highly visible visitors badge. There is no chance that the school would just let me wander in. And to openly approach your child to have a go - I think the HT should be changing the lunchtime policy for the mere suggestion this happened.