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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not discourage dd too much from telling her school friends about this?

60 replies

endlesstidying · 11/02/2014 18:11

DD's had a problem with a boy bullying her at school hitting her, stealing her things etc.

Today I had to take her to the dentist as she had a terrible tooth pain. To cut a long story short her new tooth was coming through and the baby tooth wasn't coming out to make way for it so it had to go.

DD SCREAMED AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED even after the local anaesthetic went in. It was awful. She was terrified but it had to be done so I held her hand and encouraged her and tired not to cry myself.

When we went back out to the waiting room bully boy was waiting and it was quite clear he'd heard DD's reaction because he was telling his mum he wouldn't go in and crying himself just at the thought of it. DD had to siti in the waiting room with cotton wool in her mouth and blood drooling down her chin. He was blatently terrified

Now DD has seen him for the coward he is, her tooth pain has gone and she has said several times that if he hits her or threatens her again she'll tell everyone he was a crybaby at the dentist before he'd even gone in! I have told her that that will make him just as bad as he is but not really discouraged her. AIBU?

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 11/02/2014 18:13

Yanbu at all! Grin

How old are they?

Nomama · 11/02/2014 18:14

Oh no, you are not being unreasonable in any way, shape or form :)

Then again the young man is only a bully because he lacks confidence and is really a sweetheart, you just have to get to know him. So maybe you are being a callous mare.

No, stick to plan A. Your daughter will feel more empowered and she won't have to put up with him any more.

WooWooOwl · 11/02/2014 18:18

How old are they?

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 18:19

Perfect OP Grin

If the bully boy has any brains he will know to leave her alone now or risk being outed Grin

Imnotaslimjim · 11/02/2014 18:28

YANBU at all, I would actively encourage it! I was bullied terribly at school, and I wish I'd had something like that up my sleeve that I could have used to make them stop

ohfourfoxache · 11/02/2014 18:30

I hope your dd feels stronger having seen this display of bravery Grin

Tailtwister · 11/02/2014 18:30

Excellent. Hopefully he'll be smart enough to leave her alone now. If not, your DD can have the pleasure of humiliating him. A win, win I would say!

TinyTwoTears · 11/02/2014 18:32

My heart says Yanbu, my head says "what if he gets worse?"
But then I tend towards the negative.

I would tell her to save it for when she needs it rather than telling everyone straight away. Her trump card if you will.

I hope your dd feels a lot better now. Anaesthetics in the mouth are scary Shock

pixiepotter · 11/02/2014 18:35

'she'll tell everyone he was a crybaby at the dentist'

So how will that work when she was screaming the place down herself?

peppinagiro · 11/02/2014 18:40

Hahaha don't discourage her at all! But just make sure she understands how to blackmail effectively. If she blurts it out, then the secret's out and her power is gone. So much better to keep it quiet but menacingly politely let him know that she might decide not to... Grin

Ha! He had it coming.

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 18:45

Pixie... because she was having GA.... he hadnt even been in and was crying....

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 18:45

Sorry local

steff13 · 11/02/2014 18:52

Would kids really make the distinction, though? Crying vs. screaming and crying, I don't know that most kids would care the reason why.

How old are these kids?

JumpingJackSprat · 11/02/2014 18:55

That would make your dd a bully too.

Pixel · 11/02/2014 18:58

I don't think it would make her a bully, not if she only used the threat of telling against him. Then it would be his choice whether he carried on with his behaviour or left her alone.

hickorychicken · 11/02/2014 19:00

Hardly Jumping, using something to make him stop bullying her?!

bodygoingsouth · 11/02/2014 19:05

first of all my dds would have been hit, had stuff stolen and bullied just the once.

why arnt you in the school, talking to the HT, demanding the parents are involved?

the inky thing your dd should be taught to do is, as you say, stick up for herself! mine were taught to punch back right in the face if hit first, with a boy then swift kick in the bollocks usually works.

blah blah yes bullies are really misunderstood darlings with low self esteem? in my considerable experience as a mum for 24 years bullies enjoy bullying and do it because they can.

why arnt you telling him that if he touched your dd again you will make him sorry?

blessing hearts will come on telling you to not teach your dd to hit back. ask them what would they do if they as adults were under attack? smile? understand? fuck no.

Mojang · 11/02/2014 19:09

I agree, bully could easily just say "so were you" no-one's going to care about the details.

And it would be a horrid thing to do, even if he does deserve it. It risks making dd look silly (because bullies have a way of twisting things like that) and mean

honeystillfortea · 11/02/2014 19:15

I really don't get this - she was screaming and crying, he was crying too.

Surely it would be more sensible to go in and use the anti-bullying policy to sort this out?

pixiepotter · 11/02/2014 19:18

I hop he doesn't get in first with the dentist 'tale telling''

steff13 · 11/02/2014 19:19

I don't want to seem like I'm sticking up for a bully, but we are talking about children here, not adults. If they are 15-16 years old, then ok, but if we are talking about kids who are 7 or 8 years old, isn't it possible that he is bullying for some underlying reason other than just being a jerk? He needs to stop bullying, and the school needs to deal with that, but if it were me, I think I would tell my daughter not to tell anyone about it. He knows she knows, after all. That might be enough to get him to stop bothering her.

pussycatdoll · 11/02/2014 19:23

How old are we talking here ?
I feel for both of them tbh
Tooth pain is horrendous

Viviennemary · 11/02/2014 19:39

I don't think your DD has any obligation to keep this a secret. But I would not advise that she uses the threat to tell to try and make him change his behaviour. But the school should be dealing with this.

Original poster
endlesstidying · 11/02/2014 19:45

They're both 8.

You're right really I shouldn't encourage it it could backfire. She is best as some of you say to keep it to herself and only use it if she has to.

i think kids will make a distinction because he's cultivated a tough boy image whereas DD never has pretended to be tough. DD's seen right through that image now.

Believe me I've been to the school plenty of times I'm not taking this lying down. She's not the only one who's suffered from his behavior

OP posts:
innisglas · 11/02/2014 19:47

Re. how to treat bullies. Purely anecdotal by when my dd was a two-year-old she went through a stage of hitting her little friend and nothing I said or did would stop this behaviour. The only thing that stopped her was when her friend hit her back, ever so lightly, at the instigation of her mother.

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